New and trying to deal with the idea of a couple's swap

My husband and I are new to swinging. He first initiated the idea about 6 months ago. I slowly came around to the idea and agreed it would be fun. Now we've done 3 MFM threesomes and that has been relatively fun. I have no issues with any of it. However, he wants to do a couple's swap. I am having issues with the idea of him having another woman. I know he loves me and isn't going anywhere but I still have trouble picturing him with someone else and not feeling heartbroken over it. Some days I am okay with the idea but other days I cannot even fathom the thought.

He cannot understand how I am not turned on by it because he is really turned on by the thought/and reality of me with other men. I want to work past this. I want us to have fun together, but I cannot seem to take that first step. Is there a best way to ease into this?

[VegasLee]

First thing is you and him have to understand that there is no reason to rush into this since you are not ready for it. If you do there is a good chance that your swinging days will be over and possibly your relationship.

Your not comfortable for your own reasons. You need to figure out what those reasons are and see if they are something you can work through. If they are then work on them until you know for a fact that you can live with him being with another women. You may or may not ever come to that point.

He also has to understand why you are not ready for this. That is a very important part of this lifestyle. Being able to fully understand your partners feelings and reasons even if you don't agree with them.

You only go as fast as the slowest partner in this lifestyle. Sometimes that means there are some things you never do.

Take it slow, look at yourself and see if you are ever going to be able to deal with him and another women. That is the first step here.

Good luck to you.

[SecretAsianMan]

I agree with VegasLee ... there's no reason to rush into anything you're not comfortable with.

Since your husband pretty much had to convince you to try a MFM threesome and you've only been "okay" with it - it doesn't seem like it's something you're really passionate about. Which is alright.

Seriously. Swinging or group-sex activities may NEVER be your thing. It's not for everyone & your partner needs to be aware of your discomfort and not pressure you into doing anything you're not enjoying.

If you give into his desires at the expense of your own happiness - you're going to resent it later. (And that's only going to lead to more problems down the line) Do what's right for you when it comes to your own happiness.

[hppycpleus]

If you are not ready for it then don't do it. I wasn't not comfortable with it and that's why we didn't get into swinging until this last year.

[thiscouple]

Thank you all so much for answering my question. I knew it would not be a good idea for us to just try it at this point and 'see how I feel' afterwards. I do have body image issues and I'm more than positive that this has a lot to do with how I'm feeling about him being with another woman. I worry she'll look better than me while he's having her and then he'll want that and not me from then on. He also is a man who is very sensual and likes to cuddle and pet afterwards to get going again and I am not comfortable with him doing that. To me that part is more intimate than sex itself. He's agreed to the rule that when I do say 'go' there will be no afterglow cuddling and petting, always wear condomes, and he doesn't want anyone else to kiss his neck. At first he wasn't understanding my objection to the after sex cuddle ban until I asked him to explain why he didn't want anyone else kissing his neck. It's something only I've ever done and he finds it very intimate... I explained that's how I feel about the after cuddle. We're back on the same page now. He's going to be patient with my feelings and until then we can continue the MFM threesomes.

I should clarify... the idea of the MFM threesome drives me wild. I really enjoy hubby watching us. We had one guy who was very nice and we enjoyed him. The other 2 were a disappointment. So, it's not that I don't enjoy the 3somes... we just haven't found a good fit for that just yet. Guess it's like dating... kiss a few frogs before you find the right one?

Anyway, just wanted to thank you all for your advice and help. It really helped for him to see the 'seasoned' swingers were saying my feelings were not so unusual. I do want to do this... I just need a little time to get myself straight and be absolutely sure I'm going to still feel secure afterwards.

[Gordo]

I too am blown away by my reaction to cuddling after sex. I can watch the wife **** her brains out with another guy but get absolutely green with jealousy over (major) cuddling after. Go figure!

Maybe try some softswap with another couple a few times and see if your reaction is the same. You may find yourself getting used to seeing him with another woman in a less threatening environment and the problem will disappear once you get used to it.

[Learning]

I would only do what you are comfortable with. Listen to you gut, go slow if that is what you need. We are a soft swap couple and I love that. I don't forsee us ever doing a full swap at all, have no desire to do that nor am I able to probably handle that emotionally. I know my limits as you know yours.

[SoFlaCp]

Have fun with what you are comfortable with. I honestly wouldn't question why you feel a certain way - for now, those feelings are the "...facts of life"

Too often, we worry about what we don't have and completely forget about all the great things we do possess/can do. You are having fun - keep having fun. If / as you get more comfortable then that will open up new horizons. My wife and I contemplated swinging for almost 4 years, took 2 years to actually take first attempt, then another year before we stepped fully into this. Our views, opinions, "rules" have all changed considerably.

The only constant is each experience we learn something new and it changes us for the next time. Taking this as a "Zen" approach - going with the flow and accepting has allowed us to focus on each other and the fun we have. This is about fun - and part of that fun is stepping out of the comfort zone. Just take it slow and focus on enjoying each other - and talk, talk, talk, talk , talk with your spouse.

[socolais]

Welcome to the board, this is a great resource. Read some of the old threads that catch your interest. Explore inside why you feel you need these restrictions in your sexual adventures. Rules, limitations and restrictions are normal and fine, almost every couple has some restrictions. The rules keep everything safe and predictable (sometimes).

But it's also important to understand the "why" behind our restrictions.

In your first post, you asked about a good way to ease into this. I suggest searching for an experienced couple you feel comfortable talking with face-to-face. Find out how she handles those feelings. You'll know when you're ready and you'll know the couple you want to share this experience with.

[oncewere]

The people on this board are wonderful. Good advice all around, especially Socalis. If you can get to know an experienced couple who are willing to work with you, you can get your questions and doubts answered clearly. She and you talking and talking can not only let you know how she handles her feelings, but will build a trust that might allow you to lose some of your apprehensions.

When my wife and I dealt with newbies, we found that soft swapping, as was suggested, helped break down the barriers. It's amazing how the trust grows and the ability to discuss things grows after you've seen the others make love, and they've seen you. There's nothing like getting naked together for opening the conversational doors. If you trust her and your hubby, perhaps over several soft encounters, your decision, either way, will be a good one.

It's easy to build up an artificial barrier in your mind if you aren't sharing your thoughts and feelings with others. Bringing another nice couple into your conversation will generally help, especially if you like them.

As far as body image problems are concerned, everyone has body image problems, nobody is perfect. Your husband loves you, not your body image.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm curious how we'd be answering this if it was a guy asking the same question (he wasn't willing to share his wife but wanted to play with other women). I think the answers would be different. More along the lines of "it's ok for you, but not for her? How is that really fair?".

What I got out of the OP was not that she was "just ok" with the MFM threesomes but that the enjoyed them. Now her husband is asking for an opportunity to have the same enjoyment and she's unwilling. Personally, I'd say stop swinging altogether if you can't agree on how you are going to swing or if it's all about one person and not both. Sure he gets some enjoyment out of watching her with other guys and that's great, but I can definitely understand why he'd be frustrated and wanting more.

[RDfnd]

My thoughts exactly Julie. I completely agree.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My husband and I are new to swinging. He first initiated the idea about 6 months ago. I slowly came around to the idea and agreed it would be fun. Now we've done 3 MFM threesomes and that has been relatively fun. I have no issues with any of it. However, he wants to do a couple's swap. I am having issues with the idea of him having another woman. I know he loves me and isn't going anywhere but I still have trouble picturing him with someone else and not feeling heartbroken over it. Some days I am okay with the idea but other days I cannot even fathom the thought.

Welcome to the Swingers Board, thiscouple.

Your other thread, I wouldn't mind him just having sex... is part of this same situation you are dealing with in this thread.

I think that husbands who bring up swinging to their wife often begin by suggesting MFM play because they know that is the only way they'll get their wife to give swinging a try. Yes, they like to watch their wife with other men, but they also hope to move on to MFMF with couples. Some husbands let this be known at the start, others don't put emphasis on that. Problem I've seen with this over the years in other threads from wives who have come to the Board with your exact situation is that the wife almost never accepts women playing with their husband. The husband may go on waiting for months or years hoping his wife will finally get over her body image issues, overcome her jealousy issues, get to the point of swinging with couples...but it never happens. The wife controls him, knowing she has a husband so desperate to swing that he'll continue to let the MFM play go on. She never changes. They never play with couples.

I hope this isn't going to be the case for you and your husband.

LM

[thiscouple]

Thank you all for the advice, it is greatly appreciated.

No, I do not want to control him and continue with the MFM play and not go into the couples play so he can have fun too. I really do want him to have his fun and move into it. It's just very difficult for me. We have decided to step back from any play for now and just focus on us for a year. Working out any insecurities I might have and doing a lot of pillow talk/fantasizing about the couple situation and see if that will get me more into it. He's not forcing or being inpatient... fact is he's being very patient with my hang-ups and really wants to help me move into this where we are both comfortable, noone gets hurt, and our relationship is better for it and not damaged. We've decided to revisit the topic in a year's time, unless I feel comfortable sooner. I can initiate a play date with a couple sooner, but he cannot. Is this fair? Maybe not. But, hopefully it works for us.

We're also halting the MFM threesomes unless HE requests we do one. Maybe doesn't make sense, but we're both happy with the agreement as of now and both feel a lot less pressure and anxiety over the situation.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My husband and I are new to swinging. He first initiated the idea about 6 months ago. I slowly came around to the idea and agreed it would be fun. Now we've done 3 MFM threesomes and that has been relatively fun. I have no issues with any of it. However, he wants to do a couple's swap. I am having issues with the idea of him having another woman. I know he loves me and isn't going anywhere but I still have trouble picturing him with someone else and not feeling heartbroken over it. Some days I am okay with the idea but other days I cannot even fathom the thought.

He cannot understand how I am not turned on by it because he is really turned on by the thought/and reality of me with other men. I want to work past this. I want us to have fun together, but I cannot seem to take that first step. Is there a best way to ease into this?

Ideally, its best to sit down and discuss this, between you both rationally, and explain yourself to him.

I fear however, like some, and this isnt a judgement against him, He felt that since you had "gotten your first" its his turn..

As far as easing into this.. other than trying Soft swapping, or seperate room swapping there really isnt an ease into it.. However, remember the axyum we live by, No means No.. When someone raises a red flag all play is supposed to stop

Soft swapping is still going to place it right in front of you and, if you expereince negative feelings it will be apparent. The only advantage of seperate room is you wont see, and of course you will be placed in the hands of another man to keep yourself busy, and its on a one on one situation very unlike the threesomes.

So, that brings us back to the beginning..

talk it out and decide from there. explain your feelings as to why, and why not you arent ready for this new direction.