Husband wants swinging more than our relationship.

My husband and i have been together for a little over 2yrs. We both enjoyed swinging for 1yr and a half of our relationship. We did it for all the right reasons. We both had fun and it was some what of a connection for us. We would enjoy all aspects of it, whether it was before had talking about the things we wanted to try to the actuall acts. A couple months back we found out that I had HPV. We both freaked out and both agreed that it wasnt worth our lives and that we would stop. About a week ago we had an argument over something small but it has escalated into something so big that we have talked about splittin up. Now today he starts talking about how if we were still swinging that it would help ease some tension between us. i would not have considered doing anything with the way things have been between us. So now he feels he is not being true to himself if we dont go back to swinging. All through the relationship i always told him that although it was really fun and errotic that i didnt need to any of it to be happy. that if it ended tomorrow that i would not care in the least. He would say the same but now it seems that things are changing. After that scare i dont want to do it anymore, its not worth my life. He on the othe hand thinks that if it makes you happy then its worth dying for. He says that he doesnt know if he can be happy if he is not being true to himself. It makes me feel like we are not worth saving if not for the crazy life. i feel like a fool for believing we had something special. I dont know what to think anymore. It turns out that it really bothered him that we stopped.

[Edison Carter]

Ed here-- Well, Violet, you married a pouty little boy and not a Man. This whole 'not being true to myself' is a load of crap.

[Additude]

I agree with Ed, a different approach by your husband would be more mature...

But what bothers me more is that...if you have HPV, then isn't your husband a carrier of the virus and now, anyone he has sex with going to be infected also?

Is he willing to spread the virus to others for his own sexual satisfactions? To me that's an un-comprehensable act bordering on criminal intent.

Maybe my knowledge of HPV is incorrect, but everything I've read about it tells me it's an STD, which speaks for itself.

[lardub]

Did a little search this is what I found...

Currently, there is no test designed or approved to find HPV in men. The only approved HPV test on the market is for women, for use as part of cervical cancer screening. There is no general test for men or women to check one’s overall “HPV status.” But HPV usually goes away on its own, without causing health problems. So an HPV infection that is found today will most likely not be there a year or two from now.

REMEMBER: HPV is very common in men and women. Most men with HPV will never develop health problems from it. Finding out if you have HPV is not as important as finding out if you have the diseases that it can cause. Scientists are still studying how best to screen for penile and anal cancers in men who may be at highest risk for those diseases

That being said, your Hubbys approach is rather immature, and I wish I had some advice to give you that could help. Besides sitting down and talking with him, and reminding him that you two entered swinging as an activity for the both of you, I have nothing constructive to add here.
My main thought is for you to think perhaps you erred in your choice of a mate.
The only other thought that is entering my mind is perhaps you got into swinging way to early in your relationship, I believe you state you had been together for six months or so then got into the lifestyle. Had either of you been active within the lifestyle before hand?
Another thought is your Hubby the one who has given you the HPV, as he could be the carrier not a swing partner..
I really hope you can overcome this stretch in your life and come out the other end secure that it is nothing you have done.

[Dave_kat]

We've always thought that mankind in particular isn't designed for monogamy, but even this is going a bit further than we've contemplated.

Our problem? When you stopped seeing others because your health was in danger, not to mention being considerate to others at the same time, he went along for a while, but didn't make the commitment that you were his one and only "true" love. Now it's I've gotta be true to myself and go out and seek others for sexual pleasure.

This has us thinking that he's not quite mature enough to really have a monogamous relationship in the first place.

Is your husband willing to put your HPV status in online ads in places such as Swing Lifestyle or AFF or even craigslist? Is he trying to swing without you but with your permission? You should be aware of these things. Him simply going out and getting some does show a distinct lack of regard for your emotional well being, not to mention trust and other things.

Personally, we'd reccomend going to counseling for both of you, to work on your mariage as well as understanding who you are, and as to how you relate to each other. Otherwise, if Swinging is not for you at the moment, then put your foot down and say no. If he can't be happy with only you, then you are probably in this for the wrong reason.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Dav-Kat are exactly right. I love our Play with others and I was Playing three years before Ed and I met. Yet, as much as it is a part of who I am, if I ever needed to give it up for any reason that meant maintaining my marriage, it's a no brainer, we would stop. I would not miss it because their is nothing more important than the marriage. We Swing as a sexual extension of our marriage, not to augment it or to fill in any gaps.

[Mobile]

Newbie here...but this thread has me wondering.

How do couples decide to stop swinging once they have started? Isn't it inevitable that eventually one of the partners will, for whatever reason, be the one who decides "that's enough", and doesn't that all but guarantee that the other partner will feel that something has been taken away from them?

Just wondering...

[socolais]

Originally Posted by Mobile

Newbie here...but this thread has me wondering.

How do couples decide to stop swinging once they have started? Isn't it inevitable that eventually one of the partners will, for whatever reason, be the one who decides "that's enough", and doesn't that all but guarantee that the other partner will feel that something has been taken away from them?

Just wondering...

Good question. I think it all depends on the REAL reason couples decide to swing in the first place. I think if the relationship is mature and the swinging activities are just for fun, then nothing is really "taken away" from either partner when one decides to stop. I think the feeling of having something taken away here is a sure sigh of selfishness. That kind of attitude is a ticking drama bomb.

[ShinyHappyGirl]

Originally Posted by socolais

Good question. I think it all depends on the REAL reason couples decide to swing in the first place. I think if the relationship is mature and the swinging activities are just for fun, then nothing is really "taken away" from either partner when one decides to stop. I think the feeling of having something taken away here is a sure sigh of selfishness. That kind of attitude is a ticking drama bomb.

great point. but if having a wife who is comfortable with swinging was the most important thing to him in his selection of a mate, then of course the marriage will fail once swinging is taken away. he feels cheated bc he feels tricked.

at this juncture both parties need to seriously consider whether or not they are compatible anymore with one person wanting monogamy and another person wanting to swing. the two can never be reconciled. something else in the marriage has to be strong enough to overcome this issue.

in a true compromise, neither side is completely happy. but both sides are happy enough knowing that the sacrifice of compromise means they get to stay together. if that isnt enough... then it may be time to split.

[slevin]

I wonder if his frustration over swinging suddenly being taken away is because it wasn't something that either of them decided they didn't want to do anymore. Rather it was her decision to stop because of contracting HPV. He is acting like a spoiled child, but I wonder if it would be easier for him to accept if she had decided she no longer enjoyed swinging and wanted to stop.

There are two things at play here that I think should be addressed separately:

1. He is acting like a spoiled child and trying to manipulate you into swinging again by his tantrum
2. You still wanted to swing, but contracting HPV scared you into stopping

I agree that your life is far more important than some fun sexual experiences, but let me ask you this. If you do get divorced and start dating again, how will you manage having sex with new partners weighed against the chances of contracting an STD? Keep in mind that even if you asked each new partner to get an STD test prior to sleeping with them that men can not be tested for HPV and that Herpes is generally not tested for on an STD test. Personally I think you're overreacting to the HPV diagnosis, but I definitely understand your STD concerns. That was a big topic for Katrina and I when we started out on the path to swinging and was one of her primary concerns as well. After going through a lot of actual research data on STDs (not common 'facts' delivered by sexual health organizations, but rather the real research findings) we both felt better about forging ahead. It's a personal decision though and if you've made that personal decision your husband should respect it.

As to him being a baby about not swinging; I am not sure how best to advise you on how to deal with a guy like that. All I will say is that I think you have a decision to make here. He is very likely going to deal with every major issue between you in this kind of way; are you going to be willing to deal with him reacting this way in those stressful times? I think you need to decide if you want to stay with him and let that decision guide your reaction to this. If you do decide to stay then it depends on whether he is willing to stay with you even though you no longer want to swing. The ball is in his court there and if he doesn't want to stay with you if swinging isn't involved then I would say you are better off finding out 2 years into the marriage rather than 20 years in.

Good luck and I hope that you stick around the board no matter what happens to both keep us updated on how things go, but also to participate in other threads and discussions

[safireblues]

Shiny Happy Girl has it right.

You are both wrong. HPV is very common and mostly harmless. People who swing should ASSUME they are coming into contact with all kinds of HPV. Once you are over 26 or so, your body can process these viruses easily and they are harmless to most people. Everyone here has been exposed to HPV...you just got a positive reading on a test on a certain day. If you had waited 6 months, you probably wouldn't have it at all as your system would have gotten rid of it.

As long as you are checked for cervical cancer, the likelihood of you "dying" from HPV is way less than dying in a car wreck or from bad meat--we still do those things.

I hate how he is dealing with this, though, and I think that's a way bigger problem than swinging or HPV or anything else. Just took this to illustrate his immaturity.

[VegasLee]

violet,

If you feel you have the desire to save your relationship then you both need to go to some counseling. If he won't go then that pretty much sums it up.

For a couple to swing you both have to be 100% into it. If one does not want it, it won't work. Really pretty simple.

If he does not feel he can live with you without swinging then you have your answer. Don't give in because HE wants it. That won't work either.

Sit him down, don't beat around the bush. Lay it out for him. If you don't want to swing for what ever the reason, then the swinging is over. If he can not deal with it then best you find out now.

Good luck to you. Being honest and blunt is the best way to handle it.

[JustAskJulie]

Violet,

I don't know if you are still reading the replies, but I hope you are.
From reading your post it sounds like swinging was more important than your relationship from the start. You said it was a way of connecting for the two of you, I have to wonder how many other ways of connecting you had with each other? If you are fighting that is no time to be swinging. If life is happening, it's time to slow down and take a break (at the very least).

Your husband may think his life is worth swinging, but you have to make the choice yourself. At the same time you have to consider others you (or he) might infect if you are choosing to swing with HPV and not telling others. As others said it can be spread without any sign of having it, most men don't know they have it unless there is a visible wart (which isn't too often).

If he is forcing you to make the choice between not swinging and him, then choose not swinging and find a partner who really cares about how you feel.

[bbarnsworth]

I have to agree with many of the comments made above. In particular...

HPV isn't the death sentence you're making it out to be. Do nothing, and it's very likely your body will get rid of it within a few months. It remains important to be checked periodically for any signs of cervical cancer, etc. But, HPV is not in and of itself a death sentence. I agree with an earlier poster here that you are over-reacting on that point (by itself).

The reality is you are exposed to all sorts of bacteria and viruses every day. The vast majority of these your body shrugs off and proceeds merrily on. STDs aren't special just because they're STDs. They're a disease. That's it. Some of them can be quite serious (HIV for example). Others, you might not ever know you had (HPV). Does swinging increase your chance of exposure to STDs? Sure. But, I have to agree with another poster above here. If you're going to stop swinging because of fear of disease, you might consider reducing the amount of time you spend in cars, touching grocery carts, and shaking hands/hugging other people, using public restrooms. It's perfectly valid to feel the risk isn't worth it. But, if you do feel that way, these other threat vectors are just as valid to consider reducing your life risks.

Over-reacting or no, if you don't want to swing and he insists on it there's a serious problem in the relationship. You have every right to say "No, I don't want to swing anymore" and you don't have to defend that. Who you share sex with is your business, not your husband's (well, primarily anyways).

Also, this notion that swinging will help ease tension between you? Like hell! It WILL make it worse right now. You do NOT swing to fix a relationship. If I knew you were swinging with this intent, I wouldn't even think of touching you. This idea shows you, for now at least, would be swinging for absolutely the WRONG REASONS.

I also agree with others that your husband is acting in a very immature way.

At a minimum it's exceptionally rude for either of you to be swinging right now while you KNOW you are HPV positive. At least wait six months or something.

[truckerbuddy]

hello there violet.

I come to you as a man of 46 years. I'm not old but not a kid either. but as a man.. Now I may be off in left field here.. but your husband is not being honest with him self in any way, and I don't think he is with you either. if my gal ( of 4 years ) came to me and said.. we have to stop swinging ... it would be over.

the talking/fantasizing about being with others can be great fun. get with a cpl is hotter than hell.. but would i give up me wife or my life for swinging... not ever

I have just 1 question for you. What do you want to do here.

As I see it you have to decide what you want,

(A)- stop swinging (for now) work on your relationship as husband and wife.
(B)- sweep this under the rug. and let your husband walk all over you ( like i think he is)
(C)- call it and get out of this relationship before things get worse than they are..

Like i said before I may be in left field. I just hope you find the answer your looking for.. good luck and you have my best wishes