first time mfm.. and his green monster appeared

[hypnoticgreene]

ok to start...

We have been swinging for awhile but I(female) had never felt the desire for two males at once but with some talking and experimenting with toys I agreed this would be a new experience that I would enjoy. Long story short we met a nice couple that play both together and alone. and he was given permission to fulfill this new desire of mine and it went wonderful. but 3 days later Mr. X was online and we had a very generic 15 minute conversation which spiraled Mr. hypnoticgreene into a jealousy mind set.

I would love to hear some advice on this so I can try and mend this before it gets ugly. as it is right now I have put the swinging on a back burner until we can find a way through this. He isn't happy about this and knows i have told him he may continue the lifestyle without me but i will not return to swinging until we can resolve this issue......

God I hope someone out there can shed a little light on this for sanity and my sex drives state.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by hypnoticgreene

We have been swinging for awhile but I(female) had never felt the desire for two males at once but with some talking and experimenting with toys I agreed this would be a new experience that I would enjoy.

Sounds like your husband had been encouraging you to do a MFM and you finally agreed. Is this correct? It was your husband's idea?

Long story short we met a nice couple that play both together and alone. and he was given permission to fulfill this new desire of mine and it went wonderful. but 3 days later Mr. X was online and we had a very generic 15 minute conversation which spiraled Mr. hypnoticgreene into a jealousy mind set.

You say the play went wonderful, did your husband feel the same way?

I would love to hear some advice on this so I can try and mend this before it gets ugly. as it is right now I have put the swinging on a back burner until we can find a way through this. He isn't happy about this and knows i have told him he may continue the lifestyle without me but i will not return to swinging until we can resolve this issue......

What have you and your husband discussed thus far? What reasons has he given you for being jealous?

I feel I need more information before I could guess, with any accuracy, what the problem is.

LM

[NCfuncouple98]

It could be that the boundary of non-play contact was never really discussed, and he feels a 15 minute conversation is too close or too intimate for his comfort level.

Mr. NC and I have had to have that conversation - are we both comfortable with text or IM outside of the bedroom, or do we want to leave it in the bedroom only and no single contacts?

Did you discuss this possibility before? If not, you need to now. Find out why this bothered him. Then set the boundaries that you both are comfortable with and will agree to.

Mrs. NC

[hypnoticgreene]

"Sounds like your husband had been encouraging you to do a MFM and you finally agreed. Is this correct? It was your husband's idea?"

He did talk me into in the way that he helped me open up and release the issue i had from my upbringing about being with more than one man at any time, which is odd since i like toys and have never had a issue with multiple women. So I guess he gets credit.


"You say the play went wonderful, did your husband feel the same way?"

Yes we all enjoyed it, there wasn't anything uncomfortable about it at all. For almost three days afterward . we were having sex every time we had a chance.

"What have you and your husband discussed thus far? What reasons has he given you for being jealous?"

I tried to talk at length with him about the reasons for his feelings and his only answer was that he felt left out when mr. x sent me a message over messenger and not him instead. Which is weird because i don't share that same concern in return when it comes to the multiple females he chats with online, not even when its the females we have shared together.

I am honestly really confused and at a loss. And hope that a different point of view will help me correct the problem so we can continue having a happy healthy sex life together.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by hypnoticgreene

I tried to talk at length with him about the reasons for his feelings and his only answer was that he felt left out when mr. x sent me a message over messenger and not him instead. Which is weird because i don't share that same concern in return when it comes to the multiple females he chats with online, not even when its the females we have shared together.

I am honestly really confused and at a loss. And hope that a different point of view will help me correct the problem so we can continue having a happy healthy sex life together.

Thank you for answering all my questions.

The text message from Mr. X, was it the first communication from him since the MFM? If so, did he address both of you in his message and thank you both for the wonderful time? Did Mr. X show his appreciation to your husband for sharing you with him? If not, this could be part of why your husband is unhappy right now.

LM

[hypnoticgreene]

"Did you discuss this possibility before? If not, you need to now. Find out why this bothered him. Then set the boundaries that you both are comfortable with and will agree to"

We have discussed boundaries and put them in place a few years ago. But with that being said, maybe there needs to be different boundaries for MFM

[hypnoticgreene]

"The text message from Mr. X, was it the first communication from him since the MFM? If so, did he address both of you in his message and thank you both for the wonderful time? Did Mr. X show his appreciation to your husband for sharing you with him? If not, this could be part of why your husband is unhappy right now."

It was the second communication the first being to both of us. Mr. X did express gratitude and was very polite and respectful to us both.
As a add on question........Where do i begin to go forward? He is wanting to still play with others but in my mind and experience of other couples who have issues, to put this aside and continue on is only going to lead to a bigger disaster later on and it might be one we cant come back from.

[hypnoticgreene]

P.S. Thank you for your help with this....

[LikeMinds321]

At this moment I will make a guess that your husband is embarrassed or uncomfortable sharing the cause of his jealousy...he may not even know what has triggered it, but will realize later and share it with you then.

Sometimes, on reflection, what was exciting during play starts to feel threatening. Did the other man do something that got a response out of you that your husband hasn't been able to produce; does Mr. X have a larger cock, more stamina? You get the idea, there are many things that your husband may have noticed. Possibly your husband feels less important in a MFM threesome than when you are with a couple in a foursome where he has another woman and you to play with. The dynamics of threesomes are different than foursomes and some people don't take the transition well.

LM

[sexylady1970]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

At this moment I will make a guess that your husband is embarrassed or uncomfortable sharing the cause of his jealousy...he may not even know what has triggered it, but will realize later and share it with you then.

Sometimes, on reflection, what was exciting during play starts to feel threatening. Did the other man do something that got a response out of you that your husband hasn't been able to produce; does Mr. X have a larger cock, more stamina? You get the idea, there are many things that your husband may have noticed. Possibly your husband feels less important in a MFM threesome than when you are with a couple in a foursome where he has another woman and you to play with. The dynamics of threesomes are different than foursomes and some people don't take the transition well.

LM

Excellent points! Somwhere I recall hearing about a 20% rule. Meaning you during a threesome, you should pay 20% more attention to your partner than the third.

We have been involved in many MFM situations. Some good and some not so good, but there were lessons to be learned from all of them. One thing we have found out is that paying more attention to your partner does keep the "green monster" in check.

[slevin]

I wonder if perhaps your husband is concerned about emotional involvement happening between you and a single guy that you play with? Something that he isn't concerned about when you play with couples and that he knows isn't an issue when he is talking with the women you have played with (since it's him doing the communication). Perhaps the sexual intimacy isn't an issue for him, but the potential of an emotional bond forming concerns him (and possibly isn't something he's even aware concerns him)?

Just a wild guess.

[hypnoticgreene]

all of your help and views is so very helpful. i am currently trying to get to the root of the issue and your points have helped. I am not one to let things lie or fester. So now i think that new boundaries need to be defined before we go forward.
If anyone thinks differently please let me know. This is such a new situation for me i am open to all suggestions.

[JustAskJulie]

I would definitely take a break until you have worked past this issue. Let him know that you don't feel comfortable continuing to play until you fully understand where his jealousy has come from so that you don't repeat whatever happened to produce it. Hopefully, that will get him talking.

He may not even realize where the jealousy is coming from at this point. It's odd what can leave us feeling jealous or left out at times and sometimes we just have to work past it. It may just be a feeling of seeing you get more attention than him for the first time? Have there been other times where you've been chatting with the male half of a couple you've played with and he wasn't there to be part of it?

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by hypnoticgreene

I tried to talk at length with him about the reasons for his feelings and his only answer was that he felt left out when mr. x sent me a message over messenger and not him instead.

Emotions and logic don't often talk to each other, and even more rarely agree. Your husband may be doing the best job he can to articulate his feelings. The first time my wife put a phone number of a play partner into her cell phone was something I noted as a step along the path. I wasn't jealous about it, but I recognized that from that point forward I could never know for my own self. I'd depend on my wife. I trust my wife absolutely, so it would never be an issue. In fact, I wouldn't even care if she spent an hour on the phone with a play partner and I didn't know it. But, I can understand your husband's view a bit here.

When you played in the threesome, it was both of you with the other guy. He was there. You were there. When you start chatting with other men without your husband, well...you're without your husband. It's different. Even though chatting is a very minor thing, and having a threesome is (physically) far closer a thing, the lack of togetherness on it probably bothered him.

Originally Posted by hypnoticgreene

Which is weird because i don't share that same concern in return when it comes to the multiple females he chats with online, not even when its the females we have shared together.

That's not weird at all. Couples frequently do have disagreements on what is good for the goose being good for the gander and vice versa. This is especially true when it's an emotional issue. You may be fine with him chatting up the most recent play partner, but while logically he should be ok you doing the same, emotionally can be a very different story. Don't assume that if it makes sense logically, it makes sense emotionally.

Originally Posted by hypnoticgreene

I am honestly really confused and at a loss. And hope that a different point of view will help me correct the problem so we can continue having a happy healthy sex life together.

You can. You're just learning something about how the two of you can swing together well. Honestly, I don't see this as all that serious based on what you've said so far. You're just learning what is and is not good for the two of you in swinging. Some couples play alone, some don't...for very similar reasons. Some couples are ok with their spouse flirting left and right, others not so much. Each couple has their own way of swinging. I think you just learned something about yours. If you're going to chat with others, invite your husband to join you. If he's not available, don't get into a chat program until he is.

Originally Posted by hypnoticgreene

We have discussed boundaries and put them in place a few years ago. But with that being said, maybe there needs to be different boundaries for MFM

If you haven't discussed boundaries in swinging in a few years, you're over due talking about boundaries by almost that length of time People change. My wife and I have changed many things in how we swing since we first started, and I expect we'll continue to change to maximize our pleasure and happiness in swinging.

It was your first time in an MFM. Some discussion about boundaries probably should have happened before. But, water under the bridge. Discuss it now.

Originally Posted by sexylady1970

Excellent points! Somwhere I recall hearing about a 20% rule. Meaning you during a threesome, you should pay 20% more attention to your partner than the third.

The first time my wife and I had a threesome, we had a minor stumbling point (discussed afterwards) in that a few times I said "I love you" into her ear. I didn't get a response any of the times from her, and when it's just us I always do. I remember four times during the threesome. We talked about it, and she apologized and said she was very distracted. The sex was very, very good and it was a very distracting environment overall. The next day, she put a note in my lunch that said "I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!" how cool is that? I love my wife


At any rate, you can't anticipate every possible thing that might happen in swinging and know how to respond. You're adding one or more other people to the mix, and they will act sometimes in unexpected ways. This is true for both of you too; you can act in ways you don't expect of yourself.

I remember the first time my wife and I got into swinging. We did a soft swap with a very nice couple that we clicked very well with. Great couple, great time, great experience. I didn't feel funny getting naked with a strange woman present. I didn't feel funny doing anything to her. I didn't feel funny when she gave me head. I _did_ feel funny when she put her hands on my side, near my hips at one point. Weird, huh? Couldn't have anticipated that.

So, you ran into something you didn't anticipate. No big deal. Pause, talk, work it out, go have more fun swinging. The important thing is to walk together in this.