Why Facebook Is a Bad Place for Swingers

[JandCMI]

Sorry in advance for the length of this post. It's late here! This is more a rant and sad sob story than anything. Most of all, we hope that someone has had some kind of similar experience and can pat us on the back and say "it will be ok" (or will hopefully agree with our main takeaway lesson at the end)

A few months ago we met a really great couple from Swing Lifestyle and played with them a couple of times. We both really dug this couple and, supposedly, the feeling was mutual. We chatted everyday, became Facebook friends, and seemed to be on the way to friends "outside the bedroom" territory.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, they randomly dropped on us that they were taking an indefinite break from swinging. And, by this, it seems that they really meant they were done for good. OK, fine. Both sides had previously communicated a shared concern for truth and no bullshit in dealing with swinging friends. So, when the other couple brought up their break from swinging, I asked them in a couple of gentle different ways, and a couple of different times, to just be honest with us if it was something else either with us or with their own situation. They stuck to the story and were effusive in expressing concern for our feelings about the situation (which, admittedly, were hurt). All I can do is take them at their word, right? I still had a very strong hunch that this was not a true story, though, given the nature of the lady of the couple and a couple of other reasons.

So, here's where the issues for us start. We recognized a particular female half of another couple from Swing Lifestyle who was quite active with the comments on the female half's FB updates/photos. The bummer is that this is a person who we don't care for much for reasons that aren't related to this story. The other couple didn't know our feelings about this person as we didn't discuss any mutual acquaintances or previous/other friends, but I can't speak for if our name might or might not have come up in conversations between them and this other person (considering we put a cert on their profile).

We've noticed the last few days some of the comments back and forth between these two were rather titillating, with one posting (and subsequent comments) in particular alluding to what could only have been some very recent fun. While they deleted their Swing Lifestyle profile, we also noticed the other couple's Swing Lifestyle profile now indicated they were taking a break, too. Things didn't add up. Our guess is they decided to maybe engage in some manner of exclusivity with each other. This is fine; we're not jealous types. We're just types that don't like being BS'ed and left to piece together details on our own.

We're not going to ask people about the stuff they're up to with other folks, and we're not going to confront people with accusations of anything. But, given what we saw on FB, we really have our suspicions. With that said, we eventually decided to just "de-friend" the couple from FB and just be done with it. We don't need the hassle. But it's a real bummer to lose friends we care about. We feel like we were jerked around and told half-truths to. (and it's an entirely separate rant to have people you adore as friends pull this kind of shit) Being able to see their FB didn't help since our suspicions really seem to have been validated (though I admit there could be a slight chance we are wrong).

I guess the biggest lesson we're taking away from this is that we probably don't want swingers on our Facebook friends list anymore. We'd rather not know who someone is "friends" with and we'd rather not see what kind of sultry things are typed back and forth. We are already sort of on the fence about giving and receiving Swing Lifestyle certs and we're also guilty of making assumptions based on the certs we see attached to other profiles. The whole unintentional kissing and telling of being Facebook friends and using Swing Lifestyle certs is sort of...I don't know.

Are we too suspicious? Should we just have deleted them from our FB friends list as soon as they said they were taking a leave? Are we taking it too personally? I guess none of these questions really have clear answers given the nature of this post, but more than anything I just wanted to get it off my chest.

EDIT: Yes, we are also slightly peeved that we may have been dissed by someone we really like for someone that we don't like. I guess it happens, but it still sucks.

[The Fuse]

JandCMI,

You sound like a very nice couple with some real skin in the game, and I'm sorry this happened to you.

My husband and I have a general policy of keeping all lifestyle contacts away from our Facebook pages. Interestingly enough, we made our first exception.... yesterday. It's someone who lives several states away and we're not likely to see, and if we see them we're not likely to play with them. I recently had a former playmate contact me and want to become Facebook friends, and I just said no.

I definitely agree with your "takeaway lesson" of keeping the FB and lifestyle arenas separate.

About what happened to you, I can definitely understand why that would bother you. Why your friends would bullshit you like that, I don't know. And doing it in favor of someone else you don't like... that does hurt. I hope that a few months down the road your friends are contacting you and saying they are changing their minds again. I think you are right to let it go, though. Pursuing someone in search of an explanation is not usually a good thing.

By the way, I really like your profile.

[slevin]

I also agree with keeping swinging friends off your Facebook list. We've added two couples that we've played with on Facebook and it was fun while we were all playing. Now that we don't play with them anymore there is just no point in having them on there anymore since we also don't hang out socially. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but it is something we won't do in the future.

I also hate being bullshitted and I much prefer everyone be completely up front and honest about what is going on. Unfortunately that happens very rarely, even amongst swingers who are, hopefully, more open with communication. I think it's a bit over the top to be quite that upset about the situation. You said yourself that the lady of the couple did some things that made this seem quite 'in character' for her; regardless of what people say they are going to do what comes with their nature. I can't tell you how many people we see with adamant displays of "We hate drama" that are obviously serious drama queens. It is to the point now that if I see someone comment that they hate drama, or want drama free people...we don't even contact them. That is a bit of an aside though lol, for your situation I would be glad that we'd gotten this out in the air. I go with my gut and if I suspected they weren't being totally honest and they didn't come clean after some polite and gentle prodding....well, I would be glad to not have to deal with them anymore. I would much prefer to have people involved in my life who are going to be up front with me, so when people show me they can't be I am appreciative that I figured that out. It lets me either know what to expect, or free's me up to move on. Life's too short to have people around who don't make life more fun!

I might be off base with this last part, but under the covers of this post I wonder if you aren't showing signs that you want couples you play with to be exclusive with you, even if it's not something you ever bring up or ask of them. There seems to be a hint of resentment not just that they are now playing with a couple you don't like, but that perhaps that they may have been playing with others while playing with you as well. Of the couples that we played with who were on our facebook, there was flirting on there with other couples and singles that made it obvious to us they were playing with other people. It didn't bother us in the least....in fact we started getting ideas of hoping they might setup a party sometime lol (while we were still playing with them anyway!). It's not a bad thing to want a couple to be only playing with you; I am just wondering if that is how you're feeling and maybe don't realize it? As I said, I could be way off base there; just throwing it out in the open

[good times]

I guess my take on this is totally different from the others here. From what you have said here it sounds like you are way more emotionally attached to this couple than is acceptable or comfortable. The reason I say this is that this story sounds like several experiences we have had where we were the other couple in this story trying to extract ourselves from someone who has become too clingy.

The bottom line is, I think you are taking this entirely to personally. My guess is that the other couple is trying to ditch you while at the same time trying not to hurt your feelings. And yes, what they have said to you probably is total bs, but then, I can tell you from experience, that were I in their situation, I would do the same. We have tried the honest approach when dumping someone that has gotten to attached, they get more pissed than you are now by several orders of magnitude. So, this is the one time when I would advise against the "honest" approach, the drama just isn't worth it, I would have most likely done the exact same thing the other couple did.

[LikeMinds321]

I think you're having your annual rant.

Here is a thread you started last year:

Why I Hate the Lifestyle

It is similar to this one in that you are feeling bad about being rejected/unwanted and not getting a reason as to why. Yes, rejection sucks royally, but it's part of swinging.

I think you are taking this experience too personally.

I think expecting an explanation of why they no longer want to play with you or even be social friends (which hadn't yet developed) is expecting too much. I also think you'd be just as unhappy if they told you why they have dropped you.

This couple may have decided to take a break from swinging because of how things were going with you. But you can't see it. Then, they decided to jump back in because this other couple got them feeling hopeful and interested once again in swinging. What I'm saying is that you're doing a lot of guessing and only upsetting yourself. You're accusing them of being untruthful and there is no need to, from what I can see, because you have no proof that they lied to you. You don't know what the story is and knowing it wouldn't make you feel better because the bottom line is YOU GOT DISSED.

I don't have experience with FaceBook, but I don't see that as the main issue here. I think your difficulty with being dumped - without explanation - is the issue.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you're feeling better soon.

LM

[two4youinswva]

I've got to agree with good times and LikeMinds on this one (which, after 4+ years, I've figured out is a pretty good team to be on ).

As to the FB and swing friends issue:
We have quite a few swing friends on our FB accounts. Now, our FB accounts are 100% totally vanilla, and that is made clear before we friend any of our swing buddies. Their FB pages are much the same, so there isn't any lifestyle drama to worry about. I really don't worry too much about what comments and dialogue my FB friends get and receive from each other.

So, I really don't see an issue with swing friends being on FB, as long as everyone is on the same page.

[JandCMI]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I think you're having your annual rant.

Here is a thread you started last year:

Yeah, this is a good place to come blow off steam when we're down about stuff.

As for the points about being too attached and such, I certainly hope that there isn't some impression that we were smothering these people and being overly clingy, as this was not the case. Both sides initiated lots of contact, cybersex, sexting, and other kinds of things.

You're all right, though, that we probably are taking it too personally. The rejection, especially by people we consider friends, is something we've just never been able to deal with well.

[MrsVan]

I guess I look at this differently. In order for my LS friends to be on my facebook or MySpace, they have to be people I trust to not make it known on either of those areas that we are in the LS. I do have some LS friends who are my friends on facebook and MySpace. These are people whom we became good friends with but we do not play with anymore. For the most part some of them do not live near us and well things have changed for some of them and therefore we are just friends only. We do have friends who are on our facebook from the LS that we may have had play sessions with but since our play sessions have just became good friends and we just do not play and that is okay with us.

I am sure they may have pictures of their other friends and of other times out with friends and well, I just look at it as friends and not LS friends. What they all chose to do on their own time is their business and I am not going to get upset with any of them.

It seems to me that you may have gotten too attached to this couple and in the process felt hurt when they said they were taking a break. Maybe it is possible that both parties took a break at the same time but even if they chose to be exclusive with each other does not make it sound like they did not like you back. I think your initial reaction to deleting them from friends on facebook was a "knee jerk" reaction cause you felt hurt or disappointed. Maybe you should have contemplated that for a few days before you deleted them because now the situation you run into is that what if they still wanted to remain friends and try to contact you on facebook but can't? How would you explain that?

We had a couple who we were friends with and they were on my MySpace as friends. However, the divorced and I was more in contact with the wife than the husband and noticed he deleted me as a friend. I didn't get upset cause I figured that was a decision he made and he wants to keep things away from the ex-wife and possibly have some privacy as he goes through the divorce.

We all react in different ways and the way you reacted may have been the best for you so that you did not continue to feel hurt about the situation.

I wish you the best! And hope you can find some way to work around this situation.

MrsVan

[twoforone100]

We do have some trusted LS friends on our facebook and myspace pages....Some we play with some we don't any more and some we have not and will not. facebook and myspace are clean pages...And not everyone we know gets on them... but we do believe in " friends" and not just " lifestyle" friends.

I agree that the being dumped is the issue here.. and it sounds like you are stalking just a bit. You don't have to read their page.

Get over it and let it go.....if you don't talk to them in say 6 months or a year quietly delete them... just like most do with their IM lists.

[Meetussoon]

We now have the opposite happening. I (Tom) was contacted on FB by an old junior high girlfriend/HS friend. We exchanged pleasantries and some clear flirtations. Its in my DNA, and she was a huge dirty talker back then (my first telephone sex years before actually getting some). Well as the flirting progressed she confessed that she and her husband had been to an "adult resort" for vacation. She then slowly confessed to not being a "swinger" but to enjoying other men in her husbands presence and participation.

Later I confessed that Marie and I are swingers. So now a former Vanilla friend is a potential friend with benefits for me.

Since we both have a stake in discretion we are not worried.

Tom

[JustAskJulie]

I have a handful of swingers on my FB page, none local - not that I wouldn't have local swinger friends on my fb page, I just don't have any local ones that I am that comfortable with that are on FB.

My thought when I read this is that I think you might be reading too much into someone else's posts on someone else's FB. You admittedly don't know the level of their relationship and while you THOUGHT that you guys had gotten to be REAL friends with this couple, it's possible that you hadn't, but that they had gotten to be real friends with this other couple. To the point that they feel comfortable being flirty and batting comments around on their FB without a second thought of what others might think.

I have friends on FB that I do flirt with, they aren't swingers (to my knowledge) we are just having fun. I wouldn't be as likely to be flirty with my FB friends who are swingers because I'm more concerned with not wanting to give any appearance or make their friends think there is anything going on that shouldn't be, if that makes sense.

[sweet_tna]

Since you asked, here are my $0.02. I think your biggest issue isn't the FB stuff in and of itself. I think ya'll were starting to really like this couple, and for whatever reason, they decided they weren't going to play with ya'll any more. Now whether or not they were really taking a break or not is irrelevant. It sounds like they were trying to be nice to ya'll, but that doesn't ease the sting. No one likes to be rejected, and the more you like someone, the more it's gonna' hurt.

Yes, the facebook stuff probably aggravated an already frustrating situation, but ya' gotta' just shrug it off and move on. If moving on means keeping Swing Lifestyle friends separate from FB, then so be it.

In our case, we reserve FB for folks we know well enough to spend vanilla/family time with. And by the by, if I happen to see some flirting going back and forth with our friends and other Swing Lifestyle friends of theirs . . . so what? I fully expect they'll have lives apart from us, just as we do from them.

=)

[Edison Carter]

Ed here: Yep, people lie. Even people you've had sex with. You knew it was a lie and it kept rolling in your head and you had to go out looking and you found more than you bargained for. That sucks too. And now you can't get them out of your head. Well, you've got attachment, a smidge of obsession and the fact you cannot understand why they lied or what a fool you were.

Give it time, stop looking at their facebook page and no more cyberstalking. I mean that in a nice way

[safireblues]

I can take the rejection personally and be a little weird about it all, so I just try to hang back and avoid reading stuff. Just play it cool and you'll have more fun. Expectations are the killer.