My Wife's Jealousy and Control Issues

[mrfunfan]

Ok, I'm not sure how to deal with my wife's jealousy or make her feel any more secure then I already have. I am one who usually focuses most of my attention on my wife because I'm so into her and love it when she is dancing and feeling sexy! I also spend 100% of my spare time with her when I'm not at work. We are inseparable and maybe it plays a role in her insecurities but I'm not sure why or where these insecurities are coming from.

When we started swinging she was totally enjoying it until she finally slowed down to let me have fun and realized she didn't like seeing me with another girl one bit!

So we are not swinging because of her insecurities and trying to go out just to dance at vanilla and swing clubs to be around friends and she is totally fine while she is in control and having fun. However, once she thinks I'm checking out another girl or gone to the bathroom too long she gets angry and we eventually leave because she accuses me of wanting to fuck someone else.

Naturally, I'm upset from being accused and confused why she doesn't understand that just because I share my fantasies with her doesn't mean I want to fuck every girl out there and I want it to be with her anyways.

She said she can't get over the idea of seeing me with another girl even though she has been with guys and girls many times... The kicker for me is that she tells me she only did it for me and afraid I might enjoy it more than her! What the heck? I feel cheated and all this time I've been duped by my own fantasy!

We are trying to talk about it and she absolutely does not like her jealousy but nothing has worked. She says she is ok with being with girls and 3somes only if she is in control! However...it will never happen because she is too shy and I have to be on the bench so I'm not accused of wanting more. We have had opportunities and I can definitely hook one up. I'm outgoing, funny, like to flirt and always meet others! Where is the trust??? I won't do anything else without her approval and I haven't given her any reason to not trust me. She is so afraid of losing me if I have too much fun and it really isn't fair because she has...

[Dave_kat]

Have you told her all of this? Sit her down and show her what you wrote.

We're not experts by any means, but affection and trust can be shown so many ways that it is entirely possible you are missing something that she is looking for from you that has caused her to react like this.

There are many possibilities, but we'd look there first.

[mrfunfan]

Honestly, I think if I showed her this she will get angry...I have told her many times and I'm exhausted trying to communicate to her that I love and only want her and that everything else I fantasize about is fun I would like to share them with her. I never did get to enjoy the lifestyle much and would really like a 3some.

What's frustrating me the most is that she did have much more fun, lived out all my fantasies while I watched or pleased the girl, and now she is afraid of letting me. I know women are emotional and will need reassurance, love and communication and I've given that to her...I know it's never going to be equal..but I'm having a hard time with the fact that she did it and loves and comes back to me still...why wouldn't she understand that?

[LikeMinds321]

mrfunfan ~

You've started other threads on this same topic:

http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...-swinging.html

http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...e-control.html

This issue with your wife has been going on a long time. I wonder why you have put up with it for over six years?

Your wife knows you'll give way to whatever she wants and that is why she's never changed. That's my short answer to why she has continued to control you through her show of jealousy.

I don't think your wife or you should swing.

LM

[sweet_tna]

It sounds like your wife wants to have her cake and eat it, too. If you're not happy with this arrangement, you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and/or show her this post. Try to find out WHY she feels this way. Hopefully, you can sort this out and find a way to participate in the lifestyle that makes both of you happy.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)

[truckerbuddy]

let me ask.. can you go with out swinging?? could you back off and go back to the vanilla lifestyle??

ask your wife if she want to drop the lifestyle? see what she want to do. now if she want to stay in the LS then the two of you need to set down and make the rules. not just for you, but for both of you .. ( if she can play with a man, then you can play with a women ? ) the 3somes are great for her if its a MFM but what about a FMF for you ??

if that is going to be a problem, then ( for myself ) we would have to git out ( for now )

but that's just me

[sexylady1970]

It sounds to me like you gave it a try and its not for you. Remember the lifestyle is a two way street with participation from both parties however they see fit. For example, there might be a couple where the wife just likes to watch or vice versa. While not the majority of lifestyle couples they do exist and participate to their own satisfaction.

It appears from what you said that your wife mentioned she did it for you. Personally I feel this is not the best way to get started, but it happened and its in the past. You both need to be on equal footing or this won't work to your benefit, and would probably work to the detriment of your marriage.

As painful as it might be for you, its probably time to let it go for a while at least. You might use it for some pillow talk, but that is as far as you should take it. Jealousy (the little green monster who sits on your shoulder) is a difficult guy to shake

[lizandtom]

What about your past's ; is this a first marriage for both? If not what ended the first and is it in anyway related to her insecurity? Did you ever cheat and get caught? If not to the two issues above, then perhaps she is just not open minded enough to share. Like others have said, there's nada in it for you so suggest to your wife that you two ought to stop because you're uncomfortable with the arrangement. I'd bet that given a few months of the issue put to rest, that she would come back to the bargaining table and work on it a bit so that you could participate too; its just too much fun for her to stop would be my guess. If she gives you an inch, be cool with it and don't go overboard like a kid in a candystore, and constantly eye her for any signs of distress, imho. Over time you will get more leniency after she realizes that she still gets to go home with you each night.

[Dave_kat]

Originally Posted by mrfunfan

Honestly, I think if I showed her this she will get angry...I have told her many times and I'm exhausted trying to communicate to her that I love and only want her and that everything else I fantasize about is fun I would like to share them with her. I never did get to enjoy the lifestyle much and would really like a 3some.

If she would get angry about you expressing your feelings and seeking advice, and then follow that with how many times you've posted a similiar thread... You're doing the way wrong thing.

She doesn't have your interests at heart when she does this - it is a control thing for her as LikeMinds tells you. She is enjoying making you a cuckold (I think that's the word), and to make it worse, you're not putting your foot down and telling her that you won't put up with it.

Swinging is a mutual pleasure activity. If you're not getting pleasure out of it, then you're definitely in the wrong place.

Our advise - Show her your threads and then stand up and say no more, especially if that is what you want. If no doesn't mean no to her then you need to be seeing a marriage counselor or thinking about protecting yourself.

And don't give in if she comes back with a "I'll give you the threesome you want.", you'll just be continuing the agony.

[ALilOEverything]

I think swinging and even putting yourself in swinging environment is a really bad idea. I know you're on a break right now but even discussing it when there is this issue is bad. Did something happen to your wife for her to be this jealous and controlling? I'm only asking because I had issues with this as well. I found out my former husband had numerous affairs because I wasn't what he needed at home (his words) and it through me through the biggest loop in the world. I went from being a confident, secure and a fun loving person person to an ugly, controlling jealous person. It took me what seemed like ages to get over it. When my new husband and I got together I couldn't fathom seeing him with another women. Him merely talking to another woman drove me insane. I finally get the help I needed and I'm finally back to myself. I believe that swinging will be detrimental in your relationship because you're going to drive each other crazy trying to make it work. If something happened to her in the past, make sure she gets help. If something didn't happen to her then give her lots of time away from swinging (even if it's years, this doesn't change overnight) and build a solid foundation between the two of you that includes building her trust and helping her see what she needs to do to be more secure in herself and her relationship.

What I believe the first step to be is to have a deep conversation about it. Let her know that right now you want to stop swinging, that includes anything that involves extra people. No MFM's either, she may try to use that to build a false sense of confidence. Next you have to help her identify that her jealousy and controlling behavior is a problem. She won't work on changing the problem if she doesn't see it as a problem and one that she can fix. If she feels anything like me she hates to feel that way and would want to fix it. Don't let her think you're doing this just so you can swing later either. Let her know you want to do this for a happier and healthier relationship. Once I realized how much this was negatively affecting my life and I decided to change it it still took over 2 years to feel emotionally healthy again. I think even if she hasn't been hurt in the past marriage counseling is the way to go, a counselor can help her identify where these feelings stem from so you two can work on a relationship filled with trust and happiness.

[mrfunfan]

Thank you all for your posts! We are talking about this more and I want to let you know a few more details..

We've been married 20 years...high school sweethearts...I've never cheated and never ever wanted to. She has always felt insecure growing up and always being a housewife. If I wasn't home from work on time due to traffic..she would think the worst and accuse me of cheating. But I never ever have or given her any reason to think that.

Lilo, you are right..she hates feeling this way and really wants to figure out how to deal with it. We've had a heart to heart talk and I told her how much of a strain it is to our relationship. It's not only pushing me away but all of our friends too. Our friends do not call and invite us to hang out to avoid drama.

She had the insecurities before but never had to deal with them and I guess she was always OK in the lifestyle when she was having fun and I had performance problems but once I was ok she stopped having fun and didn't like sharing me anymore and never really wanted to talk about it. She always avoids instead of dealing with them.

For the record, I am the one who wants to stay in the lifestyle at least for the friendships, parties, atmosphere and I don't care if we play or not. I just want her to be happy and be equal if we do. She can live without it and I know she can so she can avoid dealing with her insecurities. However, it's not that simple because the truth is even without the lifestyle and avoiding all our lifestyle friends and parties...the jealousy still happens when we are apart, out to dinner or at vanilla bars. As soon as our vanilla friends get wild she knows I like it and starts worrying.

It's not all the time. Like I said, she does have fun as long as I'm not having fun with anyone else and then feels guilty and doesn't like herself because of it.

I do baby her and give in but we are trying to figure this out so we both can have fun. She is looking up self help information and discussing it with me.

Lilo, how on earth did you get over it and be in the lifestyle after a cheating husband? If you can do it then it is possible...

[Speed & Trixie]

Originally Posted by mrfunfan

I do baby her and give in but we are trying to figure this out so we both can have fun. She is looking up self help information and discussing it with me.

I agree with Dave_Kat that you two should consider talking to a third party to help you BOTH work out your issues: her insecurity/jealousy and your need to "give in" and reassure her all the time. This has been going on for 20 years, and it's going to take both of you changing the way you do things within your relationship for this to get better. But like Lilo said, it can be done -- especially if you work together! I just really think that if y'all haven't done it by now, just the two of you, maybe it's time for a professional to help.

There are people who won't judge if you bring up the swinging part of things, but you really don't have to -- like you said, this goes on in the Vanilla part of your relationship, too. Swinging itself and all Lifestyle activities, as others have mentioned, should be taken off the table COMPLETELY at this point. You should also have your eyes open to the fact that it may be a long, long time before you swing again.

Your main focus has to be changing the dynamic in your relationship because you want a healthy, trusting relationship with your wife -- not changing things to make swinging possible or "equal." It's obvious you and your wife love each other. I have every confidence you can work through this together, and your love will deepen because of it. Please keep us posted and good luck!

Trixie

[mrfunfan]

Trixie, that is a good point about not changing things to make swinging possible or "equal" but to build a healthy and trusting relationship.

I do feel like the time is now if we are going to swing or not. We are both in great shape and like to travel and party and live life to the fullest. I'm looking forward to settling down in a few years.

We are both balancing life between work, the kids, us, and of course, fulfilling fantasies before that time comes.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by mrfunfan

I do feel like the time is now if we are going to swing or not. We are both in great shape and like to travel and party and live life to the fullest. I'm looking forward to settling down in a few years.

We are both balancing life between work, the kids, us, and of course, fulfilling fantasies before that time comes.

I have to disagree here. Now is NOT the time to swing if you have all these issues between you. Yes, you're going to feel more attractive when you're in good shape and feeling young. But I promise you, none of that's gonna' matter if your relationship is not in good shape.

Ya'll need to work your marriage, and get these issues straightened out--for each of you as individuals, as well as a couple. The best gift you could ever give each other (and your kids) is a loving, healthy, respectful relationship.

Hugs,

=)

[mrfunfan]

Oh I just re-read my last post and It's confusing. I'm sorry, didn't mean I want to swing now in our current situation. I agree now is not the time to swing for us. What I meant is that if we were going to swing...I'd rather it be this time when we are both really feeling young and living life to the fullest..but of course, the missing ingredient here is security.

I'm not going to want to swing or party in a few more years. There will come a time to put those days behind us and settle down. I will miss out on this experience I've always found exciting but I love my wife and she is more important.. There is always that wish she would feel the same way as me and if there was a way we can make it work and share this lifestyle happily and get what we both want out of it..great..but if not...it's not worth it. There are couples very much in love like us in the lifestyle and make it work and maybe we will get there before it's time to settle down.