Girlfriend messed up...did full swap

[Famous04]

Okay so last night we went out a swingers club that we go to quite often and ended up fooling around with a few other couples, everything is great right?
Well the one thing we have always specified is that we are only a soft swap couple, no full swap, at least not until we are both 100% sure we are ready to get to that step.
So Im having some fun with a girl and look over and my girlfriend is fucking the hell out of some guy, obviously I was pissed.
She says its only cause she was drunk and didn't realize what was happening, which tells me she didn't have control of her situation.
Now I'm at that point of I don't know what to do, because Im really hurt and disappointed in her, we recently bought a house together.......
On top of that now when I look at her I either get disgusted or angry.
I realize that any advice I receive on a forum should be taken lightly, but it would be nice to see what people's opinions are.

[NCfuncouple98]

You had an agreement of boundaries. She crossed them. Drunk is no excuse, even if plausible, it's still not acceptable.

How about some more information on what she said when you discussed it? Was she sorry? apologetic?

Have you talked about where your boundaries are today and whether or not you both are willing to change those boundaries? Are you both at the point where full swap is ok? It doesn't matter that she was "drunk". She crossed the boundary that you both set. And no, that's absolutely not ok, but as a couple you will have to work through this. If she knows that you are "disgusted" or "angry", she may not be able to truly open up to you about this. If you are a couple in love, regardless of buying a home, than talk like the couple that you are. Yes, she crossed the line, and you have every absolute right to be pissed and hurt. Did you notice her stumbling around, so drunk that she couldn't think for herself?

You two need to have some serious discussions on this. I like to drink, but I am never so out of control that I cross a major boundary like that! And Mr NC would be pissed if he were in your shoes.

Time for a talk: No drinking, no name-calling, no anger, no judgements. Talk it out, both of you. Why did she do it? How did she feel afterward? What now?

And I would also recommend no visits to the club, or meeting up with anyone within the lifestyle, until you two work through and past this, and discuss boundaries again.

[truckerbuddy]

I would like to know one thing? Are you (the man ) are you ready to go full swap?? If not then you need to talk to her and maybe back off of swinging for a little. get back on the same page with what YOUR both looking for in and out of the lifestyle. .. If your not ready to go full. she needs to know it, and your the one that has to tell her.

The boundaries thing need to be look at real hard here, and maybe make the (I was Drunk ) one of the new boundaries, no one needs to get drunk to have fun..

Really hurt and disappointed?? ( ncfuncouple98 ) said it (I would also recommend no visits to the club, or meeting up with anyone within the lifestyle, until you two work through and past this, and discuss boundaries again. )

best of luck with this .. I hope you can work it all out ..

[The Fuse]

to NCfuncouple98 and truckerbuddy.

I know you are disgusted and pissed off, but it might help to know whether you feel like her stepping beyond the boundaries is going to be an isolated incidence, i.e. whether she is likely to repeat it, or whether you think she really just made a HUGE error in judgment that is out of character for her.

Sometimes we all do things we regret. Part of being a successful couple is knowing what to forgive and what can't be forgiven. NCfuncouple98 asked a good question: how did she react when you got angry at her? Was she incredulous at herself? Or did she just blow it off?

And... does she get drunk often? That's never good for one's judgment. (Please forgive me for stating the obvious.) If so, that's definitely something to work on.

This may seem overly suspicious but... do you think it's possible that since you've now bought a house together, she thinks she can get away with a bit more because it would be harder to walk away? Perhaps she is relaxing a bit on putting your interests first? I don't know your girlfriend or what she's like, but I've definitely known people who will take advantage when they think they are likely to get away with it.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here -- It is sometimes said that alcohol reveals a personality. I don't know if I agree with that as an absolute, but I do know that I always know if I'm fucking some guy I just met ! It has a lot to do with allowing his cock to slide inside me. Somehow, it's just not easy to have that happen and not be very aware of it.

Anyway, you two really need to talk because she did exactly what she wanted to do.

Alternatively, she was in a very sexually charged environment and went one step too far. Well, if you're at the buffet, despite telling yourself to the contrary, the dessert tray is sometimes too difficult to ignore. When adding alcohol, perhaps impossible to ignore.

[JustAskJulie]

While I agree with the above thoughts. I feel like it's part of our duty as a couple who swings to watch out for each other. It's not up to us each individually to have control over a situation. Yes, we should be in control of each situation and should be aware of what is going on, but we are responsible for each other as well. If my husband has had too much to drink to really make good decisions then I need to let him know to back off (and yes I should be paying attention to that) and he should do the same for me. That said, you played a part in this as she did.

You should have her back and be aware when she has had too much to drink and at that point not allow ANY swinging to occur.

That said, it happened, you were both there and you were both involved. You have to choose at this point whether or not you are going to let this ruin your relationship. Things happen, rules get broken, but hopefully you are committed enough and love each other enough to be able to work through it. If she is honest about what happened then you have to realize you played a part in it as well and forgive her and yourself and move on. You probably should take a break from swinging for a while while you wrap your heads around what happened and really discuss what happened. You need to talk to her about the full swap thing and whether or not deep down this is something she really wants (chances are that it is - as others have said, alcohol often reveals the truth), then you have to decide if it's something you want.

If and when swinging should continue for the two of you, it has to be at the pace of the slowest moving partner. If you aren't ready to full swap (and she is) then the slowest partner is you. There is nothing wrong with that, but she has to accept that if swinging is going to happen at all it has to happen at your pace, or not at all.

There is lots of talking that needs to be done between you two. It's hard to talk when you are angry and bitter, but you need to do it. Don't spend all that talking on blaming her though, accept that you played a part in it as well, and accept that it's already done. At this point it's about moving on and forward.

[sweet_tna]

Yes, your girlfriend broke a rule. And yes, that one's a biggie. Yes, you have reason to be upset/hurt. No, being drunk is not an excuse. However . . . you had to know she'd been drinking probably more than she should have, and yet you allowed playtime to happen anyway.

Ya'll STOP any and all lifestyle related activities, sit down and communicate. Notice I didn't say "talk". That's because you both need to listen to what the other person is saying, or you're both wasting your time. Try to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that sometimes being "right" isn't what's important.

Whether you decide to continue in the lifestyle is up to you. If you do, then you need to do so with the understanding that the only way it works is to go at the pace of the least comfortable person. At this point, it appears that person is you. There's no shame in that whatsoever, but it does need to be respected.

I hope ya'll are able to work through this and maintain a loving relationship.

[Famous04]

1. Yes she was apologetic and I'm fairly certain she feels bad about it, but no that does not make it right. If a drunk driver ran over a kid, I'm most certain they would feel bad about it, but they would still serve time.
2. We are not the same person, if she goes to the bar and buys a few extra drinks its impossible for me to know exactly how much she has had and unless she's going up/down stairs she's pretty good a keeping her balance when drunk. At the point we were at the club I trusted her to make right decisions, so no I did not watch her at all times because I do not like being watched at all times, I trust myself to make right decisions and I feel I should be able to trust my girlfriend, my friends, my family, etc... to also make good ethical decisions, If a person breaks that trust, shouldn't they have to deal with the pain that follows?

Up to this point I felt as if I was betrayed and I had been hurt, but now I think I have realized that it's not my loss, My life will still continue with or without her in it, If she decides she wants me in her life then she must rebuild that trust. It's not my responsibility to help her rebuild it, if she truly feels bad for what she did, then she will come up with a way, no matter what it takes.

[truckerbuddy]

Originally Posted by Famous04

Up to this point I felt as if I was betrayed and I had been hurt, but now I think I have realized that it's not my loss, My life will still continue with or without her in it, If she decides she wants me in her life then she must rebuild that trust. It's not my responsibility to help her rebuild it, if she truly feels bad for what she did, then she will come up with a way, no matter what it takes.

WOW OK then but it sounds like to me .. you have made up your mind already.. so now i will ask? what are you going to do? are you going to try and work through this?? or hold it over her head for ever ??

Im sorry but thats what i read in your post... sorry

[sweet_tna]

It's not my responsibility to help her rebuild it, if she truly feels bad for what she did, then she will come up with a way, no matter what it takes.

And just what would it take? It sounds like you are ready to walk away from this relationship with no attempt at reconciliation. I'd hate to think that I could never make a mistake with the person I loved . . . how sad for you both.

[realcplub2]

While I do agree with NCfuncouple98 And Edison Cater (Susan)

I would start by asking a few key questions first...

I take it from your post that you are fairly new to all of this, Correct? How did you come up with your Boundairies/Rules, was it consensus or ? Before you went did you ask her how nervous she was about the evening?

Its a situation where nersousness tends to over drinking.. and of course lowered inhibitions.. Alcohol Fueled and ready to ride.. has ruined quite a few evenings within the lifestyle especially for new folks.

I would suggest instead of being pissed, that you sit down and discuss everything all over again. It doesnt matter about the WHO did what, WHO brought what up.. the key question is getting comfortable within what you are gonna do, before doing it.

Hope this helps.

[NCfuncouple98]

Originally Posted by Famous04

Up to this point I felt as if I was betrayed and I had been hurt, but now I think I have realized that it's not my loss, My life will still continue with or without her in it, If she decides she wants me in her life then she must rebuild that trust.

OUCH!

Originally Posted by Famous04

It's not my responsibility to help her rebuild it, if she truly feels bad for what she did, then she will come up with a way, no matter what it takes.

It certainly sounds like you are going to hold this over her head until she has "come up with a way" to your satisfaction. And what would that take?

You are harboring a lot of anger right now, and the best thing the two of you can do is sit down and talk it out.

Julie had some very good comments as well. You entered swinging as a couple. Boundaries were crossed. Now talk through it as a couple.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm with others here. It sounds like you have already made up your mind. She's wrong and you are right.

I posted this in another thread (oddly along the exact same lines - female half breaking a rule) and I'll post it again here. You have to decide what is more important to you - being right or being happy in your relationship?

That said, if you want this to be a long-lasting committed relationship - you also have to accept that as half of a couple you do have responsibilities to each other. Yes, she failed you and yes she broke a rule. But until you can accept that you play a part in this as well, you won't be able to move past it. You are stuck on being right, let it go and allow yourself to move past it and learn to communicate with her to get through this.

[Dave_kat]

Ok. We're going to be blunt here - If you want to keep your relationship, get rid of the ultimatum mindset. She is not the only one who can fix this, as it takes at least two to have a working relationship.

That being said, something is definitely wrong with this picture. Your rules obviously allow you to do anything with someone else other than actual intercourse.. ok.. got it. So grinding is ok? What happens if you're naked and grinding and something slips into just the right position? Does just one accidental stroke count as breaking the rules?

Look at yourselves and ask each other why you do this... What does it bring to the table that keeps you going back for more? Unless you're already unhappy, it should bring excitement and enjoyment watching your SO enjoy the PHYSICAL pleasure of being with another.

Right now it sounds to us like you're wanting your cake and trying to eat it too. She didn't go off and have an affair with someone, she went off and got carried away by a physical moment of pleasure. It's entirely possible that the shoes could be reversed on this one and you having crossed that line. Think about that. Consider if you had just a little bit more to drink and a hot lady was in your lap grinding and wiggled just right. That can happen just as easily. Would you be disgusted with yourself, keep it to yourself, or would you face the music willingly and admit it, especially if your SO didn't see?

You have entered into a world where physical acts happen between people, and it is entirely possible to get carried away. Walk a couple of miles in her shoes before you make an ultimatum about her making this up to you. And for that matter, it is YOUR responsiblity to help her make up for it - by establishing reasonable guidelines to do so, and to be open to her doing so.

We are all human (I haven't met an alien yet) and we ALL make mistakes. Allowing yourself to realize just that one point will take you a long way towards rebuilding your relationship and your trust. But trust is a 2 way street, just as respect is. You have to give it to get it.

[truckerbuddy]

Dave_kat