Girlfriend messed up...did full swap

[slevin]

Originally Posted by Dave_kat

Right now it sounds to us like you're wanting your cake and trying to eat it too. She didn't go off and have an affair with someone, she went off and got carried away by a physical moment of pleasure. It's entirely possible that the shoes could be reversed on this one and you having crossed that line. Think about that. Consider if you had just a little bit more to drink and a hot lady was in your lap grinding and wiggled just right. That can happen just as easily. Would you be disgusted with yourself, keep it to yourself, or would you face the music willingly and admit it, especially if your SO didn't see?

Really? I just don't see that. In all the times I've been in sexual situations my cock has never "just slipped in" unless we had already been fucking. I've been tempted to slip it in when a girl has been that close to me, grinding or wiggling just right. But it's never just happened.

[Dave_kat]

Originally Posted by slevin

Really? I just don't see that. In all the times I've been in sexual situations my cock has never "just slipped in" unless we had already been fucking. I've been tempted to slip it in when a girl has been that close to me, grinding or wiggling just right. But it's never just happened.

True.. Perhaps bad phraseology, but we try to give them the benefit of the doubt, especially in a situation like this. Of course he wouldn't do it on purpose, that would be violating his own rules regarding swinging.

[PB&J]

Originally Posted by Famous04

1. Yes she was apologetic and I'm fairly certain she feels bad about it, but no that does not make it right. If a drunk driver ran over a kid, I'm most certain they would feel bad about it, but they would still serve time.

She went too far in a sexually charged atmosphere, okay. That's like a drunk driver killing someone? I don't think so. Why does she have to "serve time?" And how? What does she have to do to prove to you that she "won't ever do it again"? Or can she?

Julie's right. If you love her, let go of it and move on, with or without swinging.

[Edison Carter]

Ed here-- Careful about having these absolutes that make her 'wrong' and you 'right'. The same absolutes that place the responsibility completely upon her to come up with a way to set things right. I strongly advocate something that you should consider: a simple act of forgiveness and understanding. It will carry you further than absolutes ever will.

Personally, I never understood the man who didn't mind if the woman was sucking a cock but felt that one in her pussy was crossing the proverbial 'line'.

As far as your absurd drunk driving analogy. Nobody died. Instead two people had a great time experiencing each other, while a voyeur looked on and got upset over semantics.

[NorthLaCpl]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Personally, I never understood the man who didn't mind if the woman was sucking a cock but felt that one in her pussy was crossing the proverbial 'line'.

Not that I really have a dog in this fight, I do have to say I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it this way.

And Famous, you and I are somewhat in the same boat here, and I do believe we both have a decision to make and it's this. Either forgive her or leave her. But holding this thing over her head will serve no purpose at all. Demanding she grovel and strive to regain your trust, hell I don't even know how she'd do that. All it will do is create resentment that will manifest itself in other ways. Then one thing will lead to another and it'll become an avalanche and there will be no fixing it once that happens.

I think it really comes to this. We have to decide rather to trust them again and then just see what happens. And if their not worth the risk, just cut em loose and move on, but what I won't do is belittle her or drag this thing out any longer than necessary for me to understand where we both stand. Once that's understood, make the call and live with it.

That said, I can very much relate to how you feel, I'd be pretty torqued myself.

Best of luck amigo

[twohots4u2]

We feel that you are blowing this out of proportion. We recommend that you back off and realize that when you started swinging, there is a fine line between soft and hard swinging that at the peak of pleasure is hard to keep from crossing. It it was your first time at a club, perhaps yes. But, you indicated that you have been there a number of times. If you are going to a swing club, the purpose that most all people go is to have sex with other folks. We feel that she was just doing what comes naturally.

When we first visited a swing club, we agreed to just soft swap, no penetration. However, when we were playing with another couple, I looked over and the guy was on his knees, hard dick in his hand, headed for Tina's pussy. She was laying back, her eyes glazed, not stopping him from having sex with her. I had him stop and told him that we did not want penetration. He was OK with that. Afterwards I asked Tina why she did not stop him. She said that she was just so overwhelmed with the situation she froze. She said she knew she should tell him to stop but could not. I believe her.

The next time we returned to the club, we still had the no penetration rule. But, while playing with the first couple for an hour, he wanted to have sex with her. She looked over at me and raised her eyebrows to ask if it was OK. A thousand thoughts went through my mind, but I love her and wanted her to have all the pleasure she could. So, a split second later I nodded my head, "Yes," and she pulled him into her. We have been swinging for four years now, and I will always fondly remember that occasion.

If you want to keep your marriage, you need to reassess why you got involved in swinging, and realize that the natural outcome is to have sex with others. We recommend that you talk a lot, apologize for making a big deal of it, and go really swing this time, with both of you enjoying watching each other have sex with others. Best wishes.

[Famous04]

Originally Posted by Dave_kat

Right now it sounds to us like you're wanting your cake and trying to eat it too. She didn't go off and have an affair with someone, she went off and got carried away by a physical moment of pleasure. It's entirely possible that the shoes could be reversed on this one and you having crossed that line. Think about that. Consider if you had just a little bit more to drink and a hot lady was in your lap grinding and wiggled just right. That can happen just as easily. Would you be disgusted with yourself, keep it to yourself, or would you face the music willingly and admit it, especially if your SO didn't see?

The problem with your response is you gave an scenario of what if I had made the same mistake, but as I had stated I trust in myself to not make that same mistake, having a hot lady sit in my lap and wiggle is not a problem to achieve and I believe I have great self control over a situation like this. However having a loving partner who respects me is rare, and as u said u must give respect and trust to receive it. Well I did give out my trust and respect, thats why I was not always watching her as some of you have said I should have been doing, I respected/trusted her to not mess up.
I honestly believe that if your truly in love with someone that emotional trust will always overpower any physical attraction you have with someone else, it works for me, or at least it did. So for me to be happy I need someone who can be on the same level as myself.

The idea to getting into the lifestyle was agreed that we could go out and have fun as long as the grand finale was always with each other. We had talked about this many times in full detail and the rules were very clear and agreed upon, this was something that we decided almost a year ago when we started doing this, and up to the other night we had had fun with our rules because everyone was winning. I'm sorry but I don't care how hot or attractive someone is, that is not worth breaking your rules and the trust your partner has for you, end of story.

[Famous04]

Originally Posted by twohots4u2

We feel that you are blowing this out of proportion. We recommend that you back off and realize that when you started swinging, there is a fine line between soft and hard swinging that at the peak of pleasure is hard to keep from crossing. It it was your first time at a club, perhaps yes. But, you indicated that you have been there a number of times. If you are going to a swing club, the purpose that most all people go is to have sex with other folks. We feel that she was just doing what comes naturally.

When we first visited a swing club, we agreed to just soft swap, no penetration. However, when we were playing with another couple, I looked over and the guy was on his knees, hard dick in his hand, headed for Tina's pussy. She was laying back, her eyes glazed, not stopping him from having sex with her. I had him stop and told him that we did not want penetration. He was OK with that. Afterwards I asked Tina why she did not stop him. She said that she was just so overwhelmed with the situation she froze. She said she knew she should tell him to stop but could not. I believe her.

The next time we returned to the club, we still had the no penetration rule. But, while playing with the first couple for an hour, he wanted to have sex with her. She looked over at me and raised her eyebrows to ask if it was OK. A thousand thoughts went through my mind, but I love her and wanted her to have all the pleasure she could. So, a split second later I nodded my head, "Yes," and she pulled him into her. We have been swinging for four years now, and I will always fondly remember that occasion.

If you want to keep your marriage, you need to reassess why you got involved in swinging, and realize that the natural outcome is to have sex with others. We recommend that you talk a lot, apologize for making a big deal of it, and go really swing this time, with both of you enjoying watching each other have sex with others. Best wishes.

I'm sorry but I disagree with you and believe you are wrong in this matter, the purpose of swinging for us, or at least I was lead to believe was the idea of getting the tease from others which would make our sex that much more passionate. Everyone who is in the lifestyle knows the "no means no rule", Everyone says that you start swinging as a couple, if anyone of the couple says no to anything, that is the way it should be.

[Famous04]

And on a final note, I have decided to agree with everyone on here in one aspect, making her try to win me back does no good for anyone.

So on friday she's moving to her moms.

[fun4Ds]

You turned teasing into testing and respect into controll...

You, messed up !

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Good choice Famous, then she can find herself a real man without your silly barriers and restrictions.

[Dave_kat]

Famous04 - one last parting gift. One day perhaps you will meet that someone who severely tests your self control, and maybe then will you even by chance get a feeling of what your girlfriend went through with this. We all have our kryptonite.

But then the world doesn't revolve around you, and those hasty controlling decisions are going to ruin any chance you have in the future for happiness. Barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen went out of style many years ago.

You singlemindedly have decided that a Swing event has become an affair, that you can no longer trust someone because they made a mistake. We both feel sorry for you, as you have decided that you have decided to cut your nose off to spite your face to fix a broken nose instead of pinching the break back into place and moving on.

Instead of stopping swinging and reestablishing your boundaries and reevaluating your relationship, even possibly trying to reconnect, you choose to issue ultimatums and throw everything away. You took the one piece of advice that we gave you - don't make an ultimatum like that, ignored everything else to the point of arguing that you are in such control when you had a lot willing to overlook that and try to get you two to talk things out.

Originally Posted by Famous04

I'm sorry but I disagree with you and believe you are wrong in this matter, the purpose of swinging for us, or at least I was lead to believe was the idea of getting the tease from others which would make our sex that much more passionate. Everyone who is in the lifestyle knows the "no means no rule", Everyone says that you start swinging as a couple, if anyone of the couple says no to anything, that is the way it should be.

You forgot one thing. Swinging does heighten the experience of being with the one you love. The tease you speak of is the same tease as going to a topless bar with your wife if she is into that. The heightening of the experience is the actual interaction with couples of similiar sexual interests and a willingness to open themselves and share their intimacies. To go home even more excited about being with each other.

Yet you're upset about your girlfriend getting carried away in the moment, and that she DID NOT have the same level of self-control that you have. What you did was forget about people being human.

[Famous04]

Originally Posted by Dave_kat

Yet you're upset about your girlfriend getting carried away in the moment, and that she DID NOT have the same level of self-control that you have. What you did was forget about people being human.

The problem most of you people don't understand is that I have never been so miserable as I was later that night, and the following days, no one has ever made me feel that bad, and it is an extremely scary thought that someone has the ability to do that, and did it.
I am also human, and what this event made me realize is I need to do a little more growing, and I believe she needs to do just as much growing, if not more. I can't grow with a shadow hanging over me at all times.
Its as if I said at the beginning any advice received on a swingers forum has to be taken lightly, because only I can make decisions for myself in a situation like this, I did what I felt was best for both of us.
I felt I couldn't easily forgive her, so I'm attempting to move on.

I'd also like to note all the people who said I have control issues, I have yet to meet another couple who didn't have come kind of control over one another.
Be "he doesn't play, only I do with other girls"
"ohh tonight's all about me, he's just gonna watch"

both real things I heard this past weekend before our mishap.

[likeitalot04]

So it looks like you are now a full swap couple...either continue or quit, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Decide what you want. I don't understand the drama.

[likeitalot04]

I thought about this more...

I think your girlfriend has the wrong guy and she should move on.