Not sure how to take this...they are stingy with their certifications

[shy_couple]

We are a caucasion couple in our mid 30s (38/m&36/f). We are still relatively new to the lifestyle. We recently got together with an asian couple in their early 30s (both 32). They contacted us through our Swing Lifestyle account. Their rule was to meet first for coffee and if there is chemistry them set up a later play date. We met and all seemed to get along well. She was a bit reserved and he did most of the talking (we figured this was a cultural thing). They were attractive and seemed normal. They asked to meet again and it took about a month before our schedules alaigned and we met at their house and went out for food. Back to their place for hot tub and fun.
They have been at this about 3 years and us only a few months. Our profile clearly states (several times) that we do not full swap. It was a little awkward as it seemed that no one wanted to make the first move. He finally did and then everything seemed to go fine. We all switched back to our own partners in the end. We finished and thanked them for the the evening. We dropped an email the next day and said that we enjoyed our evening together and apoloized that we were a little shy. They responded that they had a good time also and preferred shyness to over agressiveness.
We have met a few couples and been with only 3 including these guys. They had told us on our first meeting about an older couple they met who gave them a cert but they never actually played. So a couple of days went by and since we did not have any certs and had been a little reluctant to ask for them, coupled with the story they told us about their first cert, we asked for one. A few days went by and we got a response that we were new to the site and they would like to cert us BUT they are stingy with their certs and people read alot into certs and make certain assumptions based on them. They usually give out certs until they have had several dates.
Are they ashamed of us? Are we not hot enough? Was it the fact that we didn't full swap? Was it that we were too reserved? Is it a cultural difference?
We want to ask them whats the deal. They shared the story of their first cert (they never played with the couple). Our profile repeatedly states that we dont full swap. What assumptions are they saying that people make? That we are a legit couple and not some creepy single guy skulking with a false profile? That we got naked and touched eachothers naughty parts? Thats all true!
Don't get us wrong, we can respect the fact that they don't want to certify us. Just dont feed us some lame ass hippocritical BS. Yes we know to be careful what you ask for as you just may get it. We are really honest peopleand expect the same in return.
It boils down to do we shine a light on theit hippocracy or just drop it and not go any further with them?

[rpu3]

Don't get us wrong, we can respect the fact that they don't want to certify us. Just dont feed us some lame ass hippocritical BS. Yes we know to be careful what you ask for as you just may get it.

I think their statement that they normally don't certify until after several dates is a reasonable explanation. I, speaking for myself only, wouldn't question or call hypocritical.

From what I'm reading, you've had two "dates" total, only one of which any play was involved. As such, it could very well be they are being truthful - they are careful and they do not know you well enough yet to do so (i.e., you've only had two "dates").

There are many reasons why people certify or won't certify (there are several threads on this topic here at SB). I'm not so sure I'd be so quick to head down the "hypocritcal BS" negativity trail just yet. I personally don't see it from your description.

Just my .02. I'm sure someone else's mileage will vary.

[The Fuse]

Whew... you sound upset. Glad you posted your thoughts.

What you'll find about certifications is that everyone has a different opinion about them, and that many people disagree about what they mean, what people read into them, how many people should have or not have, etc. In general, there is a LOT of disagreement about certifications, and people can get quite sensitive about them. My opinion is that your new friends probably meant you no disrespect.

I recommend you check out this thread: Certifying couples on Swing Lifestyle

After that, I recommend you simply not push your new friends to certify you. Just wait until you meet someone else you'd like to certify you, and ask. To some people it simply means they've met you in person and you're a real couple. To others, it means "these are the friends we want you to judge us by". To others, it means "We play with people like these people". Many couples to not accept or give certifications at all. So, I recommend you don't take it as a slight.

[rpu3]

Just as an FYI or the like, you may want to check out these threads regarding how people view giving/receiving certifications. A number of us here at SB will not certify and do not accept certs, or are very careful with the use. It may be helpful in thinking through your particular situation.

Certifying Couples on Swing Lifestyle

Certifications on Online Ads

Swing Lifestyle Certification - Etiquette Question

To validate or not to validate, that is the question


Good luck in making a decision.

[JustAskJulie]

RPU3 had a good point. It may just be that they don't certify after only playing once (or only meeting a couple of times) that they want to make sure you aren't going to turn into a "hit and run" couple who just plays and moves on, that the cert they give you will be real and valid to who you are.

It would be easy at this point to give you a cert saying how great you were to meet/play with/ whatever. Then you move on and they never see you again, making them rethink the validity of their cert. Wheras if they spend more time getting to know you and feel more comfortable with you, that you really are the type of couple they feel comfortable giving a cert to, they will do so.

[shy_couple]

After reading your thoughts and some of the previous threads I do feel a bit better. It did upset us because we are not a hit and run couple. We tell everyone we play with that we don't really want to accumulate alot of numbers but would rather meet a small group of friends that we have chemistry with ang get together occasionally. We mean that.
We did feel that they were a little let down that we didn't full swap although it was clearly from the beginning, in our profile and when we met. Also they were the ones who initiated contact and asked us to go further.
You are all right, we know our intentions. They don't. It is a little frustrating to finally work up the nerve to ask for a cert and be told no.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by shy_couple

After reading your thoughts and some of the previous threads I do feel a bit better. It did upset us because we are not a hit and run couple. We tell everyone we play with that we don't really want to accumulate alot of numbers but would rather meet a small group of friends that we have chemistry with ang get together occasionally. We mean that.
We did feel that they were a little let down that we didn't full swap although it was clearly from the beginning, in our profile and when we met. Also they were the ones who initiated contact and asked us to go further.
You are all right, we know our intentions. They don't. It is a little frustrating to finally work up the nerve to ask for a cert and be told no.

While it might be frustrating, certs don't necessarily make or break you. We've thoroughly enjoyed the company of some folks who had no certs at all. Try to focus on meeting new people and having a good time with them, instead of whether they'll certify you.

=)

[rpu3]

I am glad you feel a little better after reading a couple of the certification threads.

It is a little frustrating to finally work up the nerve to ask for a cert and be told no.

I can see why it might be a bit frustrating, because rejection, no matter the form, is not usually fun. But it is a matter that probably shouldn't be taken personally. One's certification position is as much of a boundary as your soft-swap boundary; it needs to be respected and understood as simply a boundary and not a personal slight.

I hope you've just shaken it off; Sweet_TNA is right in that the certs just don't make or break you. We don't do certs nor do we have any, and things are fine for us.

[lizandtom]

Our general feeling on certs is merely to verify that a couple is what they state they are, most of the time a man and woman. Profile with no certs imho have either no intention of ever actually meeting anyone and is a guy lurking behind his wifes back fantasizing, or people who perhaps have been offered to be certified but have not accepted because they fear a bad reputation somehow.

Don't read anything in to that couple not wanting to certify you; many people are weird about things in the lifestyle you'll come to find out.

When you're talking with your next couple that you hit it off with, ask them and they'll probably be glad to.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Okay, let's go with the cultural aspect of being Asian. From their perspective, a cert is like offering a reference. This reference is leveraged as a reflection of their good word and good name. A bit much from our simpler Western perspectives. Yet, from their point of view, if someone Played with you and had a bad experience, they would be partly responsible. They take it very seriously, perhaps too much so.

Anyway, certs never have kept Eddie and I from having great sex with others . In other words, don't worry about it.

[NCfuncouple98]

We have 0 certs and to be honest with you, we plan on keeping it that way. I don't want anyone seeing who we've met, whether play was involved or not. I have floated profiles, read their certs, which leads to looking at the profile of the one who certified. Hard not to judge when you're looking at profiles of couples they've met, and I don't want to be judged that way.

We just prefer to meet in person. It has not stopped us from being contacted or meeting people with not having certifications.

I wouldn't worry about it. Just look over this thread and the others that were linked above - a lot of varying opinions on certs.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98

We have 0 certs and to be honest with you, we plan on keeping it that way. I don't want anyone seeing who we've met, whether play was involved or not.

I will admit that to took me a while to come to this realization. Some of the most interesting people whom we've met in the lifestyle have no certifications with their on-line profiles.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98

We have 0 certs and to be honest with you, we plan on keeping it that way.

we will ditto this as well. The people who are going to take the time to meet you are going to do so whether you have certs or not.