Meeting with single female, left me feeling uncomfortable ???

[1of2]

Hi everyone,
just want to share with you a situation ,iam still not dealing well with at all.
My partner and i have recently enterd the lifestyle and things for us are moving along well, BUT... i hav mentioned in other threads about this single female, welllll, iam having so much trouble with it , but i have decided and i know its the wrong thing to do, but i will take part in the 3sum ,i think they calll it " taking one for the team " with the single female, She came over for drinks the other night and fpr the first 2 hours i realy tried to be freindly , but its very hard to hide your true thoughts. In the end i just came out and asked her , why a single straight female is chasing couples ????
she said that she had tried several combinations and this is sommething she always wanted to try.i was thinking " shit why us " and my partner is thinking " oh yeh ". anyway the everning ended ok , and she went home, as it was just a meet and greet. Then my partner admited to me , that she dosnt speak to me online , becuase she knows iam uncomfy with her, thats when i lost it as i felt soooooo stupid , as they have been chatting for weeks with out me knowing, he said do i have to tell you everytime i chat to people , i said no... but not to mention anything about it , just leaves me , with not nice thoughts. Here iam the part of the couple and iam the one left out of the loop. It feels like iam the invited guest, not she !!!!
My partner reasured me , that he loves me , and would never want to loose me , but he wants this very much, wouldnt be so bad if she was bi, but she is a single straight female ?????? anyway , thanks for takingthe time to have a read and a ponder N xxoo

[TNT]

Originally Posted by 1of2

i hav mentioned in other threads about this single female, welllll, iam having so much trouble with it , but i have decided and i know its the wrong thing to do, but i will take part in the 3sum ,i think they calll it " taking one for the team " with the single female,

Why?

If you're not comfortable with this why are you even considering doing it? Doing something that you don't want to do will only cause resentment, anger and hurt afterward.

Swinging is suppose to be fun for both halves of the couple. If you're not going to have any fun, get any type of enjoyment out of this at all, don't do it. Your partner should understand this and respect it. No one should do anything they are not comfortable doing.



Teresa

[sweet_tna]

Rule #1 in swinging is (all together now, folks): NO means NO!

You absolutely do NOT have to go through with this if you don't want to for any reason. Whether your partner wants to is irrelevant if you're not comfortable. Simple is that.

Quite frankly, it sounds as though he just wants to hook up with this girl, and expects you to go along with it. If he really does love you, he'd be more concerned with your feelings than his desires.

Ya'll need to have a nice long talk before you do anything else.

[slevin]

For sure if you aren't comfortable with something you shouldn't do it. I don't think he should be chatting with people without telling you either. I might chat with people a bit before bringing it up to Katrina, but that is because she hates chatting online and I do the weeding out. Once it seems like someone might be for real Katrina is well aware of that we've been chatting and has the opportunity to chat if she wants or ask anything she wants to about them. If she says she doesn't like the situation then we don't meet. One thing I should note there is that she usually takes a look at the profile and pictures to make sure she's also attracted to them before I even contact them.

I will reiterate again, before I point something else out; absolutely never do anything you aren't comfortable with and don't want to do. Never. Don't take one for the team ever. Talk openly about it with your partner and get it all out on the table.

That said, I don't think you need to feel concerned about single females in general. I notice your question was why would a single girl want to be meeting a couple. I'm not sure if that was your real concern or if it was just a manifestation of something else (concerns about your partners commitment to you, questions about whether you even want to swing, nervousness about the fact he is chatting with these women without you etc.?). Some women just enjoy it, they like threesomes and being with a man and a woman. I know we'd feel lucky to have a great single girl take that kind of an interest in us! So if your concern was purely about why a single girl would meet a couple I wouldn't be too worried about that personally. The only concern I would have would be if I got the feeling that she had an ulterior motive. Not that every woman will have an ulterior motive, but if I got a gut feeling that something wasn't right with this particular person then I'd back off and voice my concern to my partner.

And...with all of THAT said, my impression of what you seem to be most concerned with is that your partner is doing all of this chatting and flirting with other women, not always telling you about it, perhaps you're feeling that he isn't respecting your involvement in all of this etc. What I think you need to do is to sit down and talk completely openly about how you are feeling. Be honest with yourself about how you are feeling and be honest with him. Enlist him in doing things in a way that makes you comfortable, happy, excited and most importantly; secure. He won't know there is a problem if you don't talk openly and honestly with him about it.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by 1of2

Hi everyone,
just want to share with you a situation ,iam still not dealing well with at all.
My partner and i have recently enterd the lifestyle and things for us are moving along well, BUT...

How long have you two been together? Before considering any type of involvement with anyone else, whether it's a single M or F or even a couple, you two should know each other very well and be secure or issues like this will keep coming up. Also if the other F is not bi, then there's really nothing in it for you it seems, as you could have your M privately at home, etc.

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

Rule #1 in swinging is (all together now, folks): NO means NO!

You absolutely do NOT have to go through with this if you don't want to for any reason. Whether your partner wants to is irrelevant if you're not comfortable. Simple is that.

Quite frankly, it sounds as though he just wants to hook up with this girl, and expects you to go along with it. If he really does love you, he'd be more concerned with your feelings than his desires.

Ya'll need to have a nice long talk before you do anything else.

That about sums it up. The lifestyle is all about everyone feeling comfortable. If you're not then just say no. If your man can't understand that without question then he's isn't lifestyle material, and probably not worthy of being in a relationship with you, as the probability of cheating will almost certainly ensue.

[JustAskJulie]

I answered your other thread with my thoughts on swinging with single females vs trying to swing with half of a couple, so I won't go into again.

That said, and I think I said it in your other thread as well, YOU SHOULD KNOW about the chatting. He should either have transcripts enabled so you can check and see who he's been chatting with (as there's no reason not to) or he should at least give you a heads up. No he shouldn't have to tell you ever time he chats with anyone, but you should know before you meet someone that he has been chatting with them. If he can't turn on chat logging and be totally honest with you and understand that your relationship with each other is the most important thing and that the most important factor of making that relationship work is being completely open and honest and understanding with each other, then you (as a couple) don't need to be swinging at all.

Now, to what I see as the real issue here. YOU have a serious distrust of single females, based solely on your friends experience. Are there single females out there who will get involved with couples only to end up causing trouble and drama? Yes, there are. Are they all that way. NO THEY ARE NOT. It is up to you to open up and take some control here. If you really want to have this threesome, then take some control of it and be involved in finding the female. If you do not really want to do it and are doing it for him, then STOP you are going to create the very drama you are trying to avoid (regardless of whether you play with a single female or half of a couple).

The only way you are going to get past your trust issues of single females is to get involved in the process of finding one. Because he is talking to them without you there that is adding to your feelings of being left out and creating more mistrust. The only way for you to feel comfortable with this is to be totally and completely involved in it. Right now it doesn't matter what the female says to you in your mind she is lying and is there for no other reason than to steal your husband. No matter what she says it won't change your mind. Then when you find out your husband has been talking to her without your knowledge that just adds to it.

[truckerbuddy]

WOW I may be way off here,, but ,, that sounded like he want to cheat with you knowing about it.. I agree with everyone.. DON'T do it if you don't want it ( NO is NO )

I could be wrong here,,,but im a man too

[1of2]

hi everyone , thanks for your imput. B and i have a realy good relationship, its very strong and comited, feel like we finaly found the other we have been looking for all of our adult lives, so i have no doubt where our feelings lay. But.... i guess i also have this lurking in the back of my mind,. Way before i met B he was ina relationship with a lady and then another lady got involved ( who was married ) and the 3 of them , had a relationship and it went for years, maybe this is whats driving me , to these thoughts, i told him , this as we talk about everything, he said NO i dont want that , in the end its just you and me. When i had calmed about the hole thing i layed down some ground rules, not that we didnt have them before.... like couple seeking couples, is what we posted ( mmm seems to have gone out the window that one ) 1. she is to leave after , she is not to stay the night 2. it is not to be a every week thing, dont want some weekly date night, and yes i have made it quiet clear iam not up for it , and not happy with it. So then he actualy came home from work , as hehad just spoken to her and showed me the conversation, to show me what they had said. and i must admit there was nothing in it , that gave me the impression , that she wanted more than what it was.
maybe , iam just reading to much into it , iam not sure ???, he saids its just abit of fun , (mmm for who ) he saids once i relax i may enjoy , as i havent done this before ( we will see ), and then i wonder , god how would it start ??? do i let her and B, have some time , before i go in ? do we all go together ?.
He also said that if i wanted we could get a singlr male for me, but i said no , dont see the need , becuase iam sure on this journey there will be a time , when that will come about, but with a another couple , or couples, its not a big deal for me , i dont need to have that tomorrow !!!!
I also no this , when we have met couples ,he has felt that they where only interested in me , maybe thats it, i dont know maybe iam just asking myself to many questions, should just relax about the hole thing , and go with the flow.
Anyway its going to happpen tomorrow night, she willl be comming over for dinner and then after........... so wish me luck everyone N xxoo
P.S. Ill let you know how it turns out

[sexcupid]

1 of 2....if you feel comfortable enough to do it...I would recommend you all 3 head to the bed together. If she isn't bi, then the 2 of you concentrate on him. If you send the 2 of them off to get things started, then I think that will increase your discomfort and feeling of disconnectedness and when you walk in it may feel more like you are intruding on their playtime rather than being a part of it.

Do keep in mind that no does mean no...and even if everyone is all naked and piled up on the bed, if you start feeling like you can't do it...call a halt to things. Just because your sweetie was previously involved in a triad does not mean that you have to recreate that for him. If that's what he wants, and you do not....even if you feel like you have been looking for each other all your lives, if your goals/values/desires do not ultimately jive then that is something that needs to be discussed.

My level of comfort is that I tend to be the one to handle the communication aspect of our meet ups...primarily because Jeff doesn't have the patience for the sorting thru profiles and chatting. He is notified if I have been chatting with someone, we look at profiles together, etc. We have primarily stuck to couples for one on one meetings and go to house parties for the rest (more opportunities to play in various combinations). We've each had some alone play time with varying degrees of success.

Good luck and don't do anything you aren't comfortable with...it won't end well.

[frisky-n-fun]

Originally Posted by TNT

Why?

If you're not comfortable with this why are you even considering doing it? Doing something that you don't want to do will only cause resentment, anger and hurt afterward.

Swinging is suppose to be fun for both halves of the couple. If you're not going to have any fun, get any type of enjoyment out of this at all, don't do it. Your partner should understand this and respect it. No one should do anything they are not comfortable doing.



Teresa

I agree completely! Mr. Frisky makes choices at a lower pace than I do and usually requires more time to get comfy so we move at HIS pace. We do what we r both comfy with. That means so far that I wait, happily. B/c no matter what fun we find ourselves in the middle of or sitting out for we are doing it together. And as long as I have my happy beautiful marriage with him I do not NEED anything else. So we enjoy what we both want. If I present an idea to him he just cannot ever become comfy with we will never do it. If we meet a cpl or single he does not want to play with then we will not play with them (our choice to only play together). You obviously do not want you or him to play with her. You may have already but if not make sure you make that very clear to your SO, but just explain it calmly. When we discuss anything that makes me angry I shake the anger off first (aggressive dishwashing). Then when I am calm just tell him how I feel. Tell him calmly how the situation makes you feel. Try to avoid blame or accusations. I do not know abt yours, but if I put Mr. Frisky on the defense he does not LISTEN to a word I say, just reacts to my anger.... well, angrily. He says he LOVES you, then giving up a sexual adventure that makes you feel so uncomfortable, upset, (insert all the negative emotions you feel here) will be no problem 4 him. B/c he will still have you (the one he NEEDS) and both you and your relationship will be happier without the fantasy he WANTS. That is how I look at it when I do not get to fulfill my fantasy right away or even ever b/c Mr. Frisky does not FEEL good abt the situation, person, place, ANY PART OF IT. Swing together! even if you r swinging in seperate places! Always stay on the same page, always put your SO 1st! Hope it helps,