I need some advice...too much flirting - PLEASE help!

[johnndanielle69]

Ok, we met this couple, they are younger than us. I'm 30,my guy is 38 & the couple..25-f & 29-m. We had a play date this past weekend, I didnt get nothing out of it, though my guy did. We are interested in this couple, but Im feeling a lil unsure about something. The girl is always flirting with my guy non stop, & I told him the other day that I felt like hes overly flirting overly doing it. Well, she has texted him, which is making me feel unconfrontable, because if its "just sex" like my guy says...then why text each other & flirt EVERYTIME you speak?? I wouldnt text someone else's husband like that. Should I say something to him about her texting him? I mean, really I feel like he should say something to her.. its houldnt be me that says anything. I dont want to come off being jealous or anything, but I'm unsure of what to do here..if I should say somethng or not. Please give me some advice.

[PB&J]

If you didn't get anything out of it, why are you still interested in this couple? Are you taking one for the team here? If there's a strong connection on one side, and not on the other, that can spell big trouble.

Definitely talk to him. Tell him what is making you uncomfortable. You need to be able to communicate with each other.

[johnndanielle69]

Ok, the guy was totally drunk as well. They seem like good people, but i thought about just giving it another shot & hes not drinking this time, but I just dont think its right for her to text him, i mean im not sayin he cant have friends, but just I think theres too much flirting. I dont want us to stop having fun, & make him feel that im being jealous...by far.I just think that the flirting carries on a lil too much.

Originally Posted by PB&J

If you didn't get anything out of it, why are you still interested in this couple? Are you taking one for the team here? If there's a strong connection on one side, and not on the other, that can spell big trouble.

Definitely talk to him. Tell him what is making you uncomfortable. You need to be able to communicate with each other.

[The Fuse]

First of all, welcome to the Board, johnndanielle69. You've found a great resource for discussion and support.

Sounds to me like you have two separate things to deal with. The one you are concerned about, the texting, sounds like a boundary issue. Your husband's playmate is asking for more attention than you are comfortable with. Of course different things work for different people, but if I was in your position I would feel the same way. It's a swinging relationship, not a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. A few emails or texts here and there is one thing, but at some point it oversteps the bounds. And you are correct, it should be him that politely asks her to dial it down. My suggestion to you is that you tell him you are uncomfortable in nice but clear terms, and what level of communication is okay and what isn't. It's up to him to make sure that happens.

It might be a little awkward from the playmate's point of view, because it would look like suddenly something that was okay is now not okay. But he should explain to her that you're still new, just figuring things out, and you're just not comfortable with the two of them seeming to be striking up a relationship that goes beyond your play dates, and that you are sorry for any mixed signals.

The other potential issue, that you didn't get anything out of the play date because the guy was drunk, is quite possibly unrelated to the first one. If you are still interested, then you're still interested. Hopefully they will correct the problem themselves. But if it happens again or seems to be going that way, you will have to decide how to handle it in a way where you are treated fairly. You and your guy should talk about "what-ifs" beforehand. If the other guy starts drinking, will one of you ask him to stop? If he doesn't stop, or if play starts happening for your guy but isn't in the cards for you, would you want your guy to stop? How will you let him know? Is he willing to stop? These are the kinds of things you should talk about before they happen.

Good luck! I hope you post again and let us know how things are going.

[Dave_kat]

I have to somewhat disagree with the texting issue. We've got a lot of younger friends who only text, they don't actually talk on their phones. And of course some people are more outgoing than others, and possibly live off of texting (Dave has tons of Soldiers who do that.. You talk to them and they have the phones out waiting on a message).

Now the overdoing the flirting isn't as bad as it could be. At least it's not sexting, or straight up making plans to hook up. If the amount of texting is unreasonable, something could be said in itself about that. But then that is possibly going to turn them off as well, especially if she lives through texting and that's the only way she communicates with friends.

As far as too much flirting, what happens when you talk on the phone with them, or email, or get together to hang out? Is she a naturally flirty person? Is this her normal behavior to talking with her vanilla friends?

Something you can do is try to keep hubby from flirting back with the texts, that might slow it down and get you a normal conversation.

[VanHlebar]

well first I would say if it is bothering you, then it IS and issue and you need to talk to your husband about it. Depending on how that conversation goes, then you BOTH can decide if it needs to be dialed down.

I can say that MrsVan and I both have fallen into this issue from time to time. We both do a tremendous amount of texting with friends, family, kids and "other friends". When we are texting with our lifestyle or with the one couple that are now more lifestyle than vanilla, the flirting does get pretty intense at times. When it reaches a point that one of us feels it has become an issue, then we talk about it and do what we can to make the other one feel comfortable or tone it down.

On the other issue, if you are not getting anything out of the male half of the other couple, then why go there again? I'll also ask another question? Could some of this "uncomfortableness" stem from the pretty big age difference between your husband and the female of the other couple? I know that on NYE MrsVan and I met this really great couple at our local club and although we did not get to play with them that night, we got their phone number. We later met for drinks and the female half and I really hit it off well and MrsVan and the husband seemed to bet getting along just fine. After we got back home and started talking about the couple, MrsVan expressed a concern and "uneasy feeling" because the other wife was 12 or 13 years younger than I am. Ultimately we decided not to play with them, but I do wonder if maybe some of the issues might stem from this?

-Van

[swing_style]

I think you have every right to feel the way you do. If the texting was taking place occassionly that would be one thing, but you stated that it is happening non stop, I would have a problem with that. I would ask him to put a stop to it...there is a tactful way to handle everything. In my opinion texting and phone calls should be used for planning get togethers, with the exception of an occassional text or call that is non-threating.

On the subject of the male half not doing anything for you, you stated that you would give it another try and see how it goes, but if again the same thing happens then it won't work for you. If you continue to see this couple and you aren't getting anything out of it you will end up resentful, angry and dreading (been there done that and don't want to go there again)...lol

Well good luck in however you decide to handle this and hope it all works out well.

[NCfuncouple98]

A couple of questions:

You said the playdate was just this past weekend, and the flirtations are non-stop. How often are they speaking/texting? Have you known them long? Are you aware of and involved with any of the conversations?

As the Fuse mention, your boundaries as a couple are yours, and what works for some doesn't work for others. Mr. NC flirts (through text) pretty heavily with one long-distance friend of ours, and another gal whose husband he works with. The texting, even the heavy flirting side, does not bother me as long as I am aware and involved. Involved meaning he talks to me about them as they are texting back and forth, and shares her responses.

In the beginning, it did bother me, but through some soul-searching and open discussions, I realized it was my insecurities/jealousies, and not his actions. Now I enjoy hearing about their texts, and sometimes I take the phone and join the conversation.

If it bothers you, you do need to talk to him about it, absolutely. Keeping something like this to yourself will only cause harm down the road. And as a couple, decide what your boundaries are for this and future situations. If you don't want any contact outside of playdates, there's nothing wrong with that. There's no requirement to be friends with swing partners. But if outside contact is ok with both of you, than at what point is it too much contact?

[sweet_tna]

The girl is always flirting with my guy non stop, & I told him the other day that I felt like hes overly flirting overly doing it. Well, she has texted him, which is making me feel unconfrontable, because if its "just sex" like my guy says...then why text each other & flirt EVERYTIME you speak?? I wouldnt text someone else's husband like that. Should I say something to him about her texting him? I mean, really I feel like he should say something to her.. its houldnt be me that says anything. I dont want to come off being jealous or anything, but I'm unsure of what to do here..if I should say somethng or not.

The short answer: If anything makes you uncomfortable, it's your responsibility to TELL your guy that it bothers you. Hopefully, by talking to him, you two can figure out why this bothers you and come up with a solution to this problem together. Communication is everything when it comes to swinging.


Longer answer: Flirting, really, is an intregal part of the lifestyle. It's how we communicate our interest in someone else. Some women are naturally flirtatious. I'm one of 'em, as anyone that knows me (or has read a sampling of my posts here) will attest. It doesn't mean anything--I'm not out to steal another woman's man, it's something I do for fun. Mr. Sweet knows this and is privy to all my online chats, texts, and PM's. Most of the time, he just rolls his eyes at me.

BUT if anyone were to ever tell me that it made them or their spouse uncomfortable, I'd back off, no questions asked. Again, you need to talk with your guy and let him know how you feel.

IF you've told him this bothers you, and the texting/flirting behavior continues, then you have another issue to deal with. As far as I can tell, you haven't broached the topic with him. I suggest you get on that right away, and especially before you attempt to have another go with this couple.

=

[johnndanielle69]

thnks for all the replies. I know the texting may not be much...& maybe i have thought about it in the wrong way...i guess all i can do is try to be more open with my guy about things & tell her hw it makes me feel as well. any more suggestions...please feel free to drop a line

[The Fuse]

Yes, definitely be very open with your guy about what is comfortable to you and what isn't. If there's one thing that's important, it's talking to each other a lot and putting each other first.

I know some people text constantly, especially younger people. It's not the type of communication that I would focus on (texting, phone calls, email, IM), as I don't think that's the important thing. What's important is the frequency, content and amount of communication that happens between members of a couple and their playmates. You and your guy should agree on what's okay and what's not, at least in generalities. You should both be comfortable. If you feel the other woman is expecting too much attention from him, and you have a bad feeling about that, you should say so. If your guy brushes you off or minimizes your feelings, that doesn't sound very good. Maybe your feelings will change later, and maybe they won't, but he should respect them even if he doesn't agree.

[johnndanielle69]

well, i must say the day has progressed & the girl & i have talked...things are alright & she understands how I feel about the situation, we taked for almost 2 hours & she told me that she doesnt want me to feel that way @ all. She did text him this morning.. & he just told her he would text her later & that he was busy..that made me feel alot better knowing that he was respecting my wishes on this & how I felt. She also told me that she went through the same thing & that if any time i felt that things were getting carried a lil too far let her know...she would tone things down if he didnt. So I guess we shall see where it goes...& he & I have agreed to talk when he gets home this afternoon.
thnks everyone for your replies...I GREATLY appreciate it

[JustAskJulie]

"she would tone things down if he didn't"? I'm sorry you told her how you feel so the texting (on her end) should stop. If he's initiating it then that's a different story.

I also don't buy this "I know you feel because I've been there", if that's the case then why is she doing it?

You should be talking to him more than to her. You need to set limits within your relationship of what you are comfortable with outside of your relationship. Limits are a good thing, they keep us from getting hurt. He should honor your request. If she's initiating the texting then all he has to do is NOT RESPOND! You shouldn't have had to talk to her.

I don't know if you've attempted playing with them again since the first time, but honestly it doesn't sound like it's worthwhile. There are too many reasons NOT TO PLAY AGAIN. You didn't have fun the first time, so it sounds like you are just doing it again to please your husband because he enjoyed it. The "well maybe it will be better the second time", I doubt it. Rarely is ever better the second time.

You have to take some control in all this girl, or you're going to end up VERY unhappy in all this. Right now it sounds to me like you are just letting others walk over you and tell you whatever you want to hear. Stand up and take some control or this attempt at swinging will tear you apart.