WHY am I having trouble dealing with the women he talks to online!!!!!

[1of2]

Hi everyone,
would like to share what iam feeling today, wish i could shake it, but it just wont leave my mind. my partner and i are new to the lifestyle, and even though i know he loves me deeply , and keeps re-asuring me of this alll the time , iam having trouble with some of the people he talks to online.
Iam finding that alot of the people online are mainly the female part of the couple , which is fine, and they ask the useual ?s about me , and he answers always honestly. But..... when he saids if they would like to speak to me, they say yes , but when i start chatting iam finding it very hard, i think iam a goood comunicator , but its like pulling teeth much of the time, to the point where i say.... wait just hand you back to B.
It makes me think , are they not interested in me ? ( i think iam fairly attractive ) also i think , what is it they realy want ? ( so then alll trust flys out the window ) becuase when i ask him something about them , he dosnt go into it, just saids , " oh you know , just the same ole same ole ".
makes me think crazy thoughts,. I trust him completely , just iam finding these women so hard to deal with. Even had one say.... " dont worry iam no home wrecker " , why say such a thing ??????
maybe iam just reading to much into this ??? As when we are meeting people he is always very attentive towards me and re-asuring.
thanks for taking the time to read Nxxoo

[JustAskJulie]

are these single females he's talking to? Wives of swinging couples? What site is he chatting with them through?

You might want to consider chatting with people together rather than separately. Guys generally are not great at relaying details. Women like to talk about everything, but guys not so much, so it's hard for him to relay to you everything that they've talked about. If you can be there with him when he's chatting (then you'd both be chatting), you'd be in on the conversation and not feel left out, you could ask questions along the way, as well and you could get to know people together.

If for some reason you can't be present, then it's usually best to make sure that any chatting is done on a program where the transcript can be logged to be viewed later.

I asked about what sites you are finding these women/couples on as that may also add to the response. I'd dare say that most of us have found the opposite to be true (that's it's most often the guys online chatting, with a few exceptions), however, some sites have a higher ratio of "fake" ads posted by webgirls, escorts, etc. That knowledge combined with comments like "don't worry I'm not a homewrecker" lends me to believe that the females he's talking to might not really be half of a couple. If she was half of a couple she would not have a need to say that because she would understand how you might possibly feel by being left out of the conversation. That comment just shoots up a red flag for me.

[Additude]

I think you need to be the first one to chat and hand them off to "B" or as Julie said, "Chat together".

I think you first need to know that nothing was said prior to your "being handed over to" that would make any significant difference in the demeanor of the person your chatting with.

I also think that a woman would say, "dont worry I am no home wrecker" because she is a single female or because your partner previously said something to her that you have a concern in that respect.

See if you can find the transcripts log of the chat. Most chat programs save a copy of the chat, some on-line don't though. But I say you need to take a more active roll in the chat process and see whats said and done from the moment a chat window is opened.

[Spoomonkey]

Mrs Spoo and I have always kept things open - especially with people we have just met or have yet to meet.

We never IM since neither of us really enjoy that very much. We will send email or talk on the phone, but even those things are done together. If I get a private message I will wait for Mrs Spoo to read it before I respond. Overly cautious maybe, but it eliminates insecurities.

Once we get comfortable with friends, email will go back and forth without us showing them to each other. But those are existing, comfortable relationships with couples that we both have a good feeling about.

Doing the talking together is really the best idea based on what you are feeling (in my opinion, anyway)

Spoomonkey

[bendmeovernow]

i think it's norm for you to feel this way... i've been the main one to do the chating and all for us.. but i have seen that he will sometimes send a hey how are you to a cpl or lady.. but i think you have a great guy there... as you said. he pays attention to you when out.... and stays at your side.. yeah.. he's a keeper. i'd maybe try the chating together... that will make it where you know all that is said and don't have to worry about it. as with the i'm not a home wrecker.... that's just something a woman will say if she thinks the wife is going to get upset and think they are being torn apart as a cpl.. i will say that sometimes if i'm talking to a wife that i feel worries about that... but i just say that i'm in it for the fun and friends.. not to break someone up.. so don't worry there.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by 1of2

Hi everyone,
would like to share what iam feeling today, wish i could shake it, but it just wont leave my mind. my partner and i are new to the lifestyle, and even though i know he loves me deeply , and keeps re-asuring me of this alll the time , iam having trouble with some of the people he talks to online.

Ok, first question, when you say how new you are to all of this, are you new as in still waiting for your first experience or have had a few and are begining the online search thru new sites.. I ask this because, depending on the answer it can "color" how his searches are going.. We all start out with conceptions of what and who we are looking for, standards ECT.. sometimes desperation can change those standards, and have people that we might not consider, out of hand, become "possibles"..

Ask B directly what the criteria he is using.. And it maybe time to review and revise them, to match both desires.

Iam finding that alot of the people online are mainly the female part of the couple , which is fine, and they ask the useual ?s about me , and he answers always honestly. But..... when he saids if they would like to speak to me, they say yes , but when i start chatting iam finding it very hard, i think iam a goood comunicator , but its like pulling teeth much of the time, to the point where i say.... wait just hand you back to B.
It makes me think , are they not interested in me ? ( i think iam fairly attractive ) also i think , what is it they realy want ? ( so then alll trust flys out the window ) becuase when i ask him something about them , he dosnt go into it, just saids , " oh you know , just the same ole same ole ".
makes me think crazy thoughts,. I trust him completely , just iam finding these women so hard to deal with. Even had one say.... " dont worry iam no home wrecker " , why say such a thing ??????
maybe iam just reading to much into this ??? As when we are meeting people he is always very attentive towards me and re-asuring.
thanks for taking the time to read Nxxoo

Ok, To Echo Julie, depending on the site and HOW he is communicating, It may be possible to set the messenger to archive the conversations, we do it all the time with our Yahoo messenger, this way there are no questions about what was said.

Next, Lets suppose that Down in Oz, its normal for the women to chat, and converse.. Again, knowing what has been said already is a powerful bit of information. But more importantly, Do NOT be intimidated, While yes this may have been a sexually charged bit of talk, Dropping back and talking about ANYTHINg is fine.. I have said it a thousand times, being able to hold a conversation before and beyond, the clothes coming off, is SOOOO IMPORTANT. So relax, ask about hobbies.. ask about Weather, Shopping, Food, or whatever you are comfortable with. And if they still have issues speaking to you, then its time to sit down with B and have an honest conversation about who he contacts.. Or better yet, browse a few yourself. because, this is the is again, definate buzz kill. If they can't talk online, or hold a simple conversation on the phone, WARNING WARNING

The biggest thing, is RELAX.. Being new to all of this, there maybe butterflies, that cause all of this to be harder than it has to be. Just be yourself, and go with the flow. The more relaxed and laid back the easier this will all be/seem.

[1of2]

Hi everyone,
first of alll i would like to thankyou for your advice and opions to my thread. The site b uses is redhotpie.com.au there is all sorts of people on there , but i know that 95% of the time he chats to couples, but he also chats to single ladies , which like i said dosnt bother me in the least. i know and he hsa exspresed to me , that he wants FMF , which is ok , but i would prefer that other to be part of a couple , and i have told him , this, as i have spoken to a close freind about it , and they had the same sort of exsperience and it nearly ended in tears. ( dont want that )
As for transcripts he has turned of archiving on his computer, so no trace , exsept for intial emails on RHP, then they switch to MSn , as it better to chat on. ( also B is I.T. so his computer his very complex , and me computer dummy )
i have been present while he is chatting , and i have to say just the useual ?s and answers are being said, but i find that 99% of the women , to me seem very sexualy agressive, and either iam not use to that , aand thats the way it gos, or i tell myself ( toughen up princess )
I feel totaly secure in our relationship, even last nite we had a meet and greet and B almost gos out of his way to show affecton towards me, but its just this nagging feeling , i have told him , i dont want any single straight women , for this one reason..... if i was single i would not be online targeting couples, would rather be down the pub , meeting a man, and lets face it ladies... its not hard to get what you want , if you put the right bait out there !!!!!!
i dont no , to me 1+1=3 on this to me.
We eneterd the lifestyle about 2 months ago , and have met about 7 couples, and all are interested in catching up again , but have only played once and it was a spare of the moment thing , and it was not a soft swing , it was full swap and same room, (mmm very brave ) by the way the Kaluha helped alot.. hehehe
i enjoyed , even though felt strange hearing B and seeing B with another woman , but i just focused on the man i was with and it was good.
and alll the couples i have met so far have been realy nice and alll seem interested, as we would like playmates , but also have and make new freinds. B and i are very easy going and get along with most people , very laided back ( after alll it is the aussie way )
Anyway , would just like to thankyou for your imput , feel iam making freinds here....mmmm pitty you are alll so far away !!! N xxoo

[Edison Carter]

The reason you may be feeling bad is that you are chatting with flim-flam artists. Here's what you should know about Redhotpie. Many sites like this are complete frauds. They have staffs for 'fake' chats that are never with legit swingers. I came across this about Redhotpie:

Gday. know this is a US based site but I imagine the entire industry is premised on a scam. After feeling ripped off after buying premium membership, I conducted some research on this adult dating website called Redhotpie. Its a scam and I have the proof. (Believe me, I have 20 years experience as a Systems Analyst)

1. go to this scamming website Online Dating, Adult Dating Site for Singles & Swingers in Australia and set up a user eg "Hunky Guy" in the write up make him out to be a Brad Pit kind of bloke that girls can't resist - Make the guy sound like some sort of sensitive caring new age kind of dude, I even used a photo of an hot lookin' actor from overseas. Just Remember the options you click for this guy.

2. Now set up a second user eg "Geek Man" , in the write up make this dude as unappealing as yo can, I used the eg of the 40 year old virgin who still lives with his mum. Now for the important bit, make sure all the clickable options for the 2 stooges you set up are exactly matching.

3. Each night you open up 2 internet explorer windows and log each stooge onto Redhotpie and leave them signed on for a couple of hours.

What you'll notice is that EXCACTLY the same chicks look at each stooges profile. Whether he is God's gift to women or the dork who works in the IT area they get visited by the same babes.

4. Also, send a flirt to the same obvious fake female profile (there are also a few fake couples but many more fake females) and just wait a few days until both these accounts receive the same reply flirts at the SAME time. Now that my friends is confirmation of a scam. Redhotpie is a Scam, pure and simple. If you do not want to get scammed, avoid Redhotpie.
Reports them to fair trading bodies. Write you opinion on sites like this and other scam registrees and the product review. Do not let these *******s get away with this and basically steal money form your pocket.

[2aussies]

We try to make sure we're both there when we chat with someone, for the very reasons the OP has outlined.
Mrs Aussie is usually on the keyboard because she is a better typist and loves to flirt. But if it's only one of us there for whatever reason it's easy to save the content and drop it onto a Word document, then mention to the other that it's there to be read.

[LOL_OMG]

Hiya

The only real problem I see is your hubby making the 'same ole same ole' comment. To me that's a lot like 'Yadda Yadda' and any Seinfeld fan knows how that episode ended. If you want details tell him, that should ease up the problem of your not being into talking on the phone. Mrs. Lol hates talking as well, so don't feel like an oddball. Good luck with your adventures.

Mr. Omg

[sweet_tna]

In our household, it's the other way around. I'm the chatty one, and Mr. Sweet prefers to let me do the talking. BUT occasionally, someone does want to chat with him, if for no other reason to make sure I'm really part of a couple. He'll do so, but most of the time, he'll just look over my shoulder and ask questions/make remarks about what he's reading, and I'll take "dictation". (Sorry, couldn't resist that one)

But you have to do what works for you. I agree with the folks who suggested that you look for the chat history/logs and read previous chats. I save all my chats for just that purpose. And perhaps you could do what Mr. Sweet does, if you're not that fond of chatting yourself.

=)

[JustAskJulie]

A few comments..

First off all, you are not your friends. You have a different relationship and knowing what they went through can hopefully allow you to avoid the same outcome. You don't know exactly the details of their relationship or what happened. Don't blame what happened solely on the situation of playing with a single, as there are many factors involved. If you do choose to play with a single, do so with your eyes open.

Consider what you are asking of a couple if you require that it be the female half of a couple that you play with. How would you feel if you were being asked to leave your man on the side and play with anther couple, how would he feel being so left out? This is what you are asking of this other couple (if you find one). While there are couples out there where the guy just likes to watch, they are as few and far between as single females.

I would again suggest that you have him turn on transcript logging on MSN, it's easy to do and there is no reason not to do it, as long as he is not trying to hide something. This will give you a little peace of mind just being able to view the transcripts if you wish. Even if you never view them at least you know you can. If he isn't willing to do this then he should be willing to ONLY chat with other women when you are present. That is not too much to ask for your own comfort. This should be about both of you, and both of you should be happy and comfortable with what is going on.