We don't want couples latching on to us after we've played.

[vodka&cherries]

Here is maybe a strange question....

We are kind of semi-new to the scene, have been to clubs a few times and always play with people. We love the public and couples rooms and have only done private rooms a couple of times just because we like the group thing better.

Anyway, we have come across the same situation maybe 3 or 4 times now and we're not entirely sure how to handle it. We are in a group room, play with a variety of couples/group and after a session will go down for a drink and invariably one of the couples is there and kind of 'latches' on to us. Not in a horrible way but in a 'we're your new best friend now' way. We are happy to maybe have a drink but then want to either spend a little while alone or maybe go back upstairs to play with others. One particular situation had us try to extricate ourselves and we spent the next hour, literally every time we turned around in every room we went into, tripping over this person/people!

We're not rude people and really don't want to upset anyone but how do you say, 'thank you, that was fun but goodbye now!!' We had another occasion where we played, bumped into them at the bar later, all smiled and said hi, but carried on our seperate ways...perfect!

I hope we don't sound stand offish or anything, we're quite the opposite. Love meeting new people and having new experience's with them, but that's the very reason why we don't want to say 'Can't you take a hint??!!!' We just kind of get 'hogged' LOL!

Does this happen to anyone else? If it does, how do you handle it without hurting peoples feelings?

Cherries!

[JustAskJulie]

I think some couples do get the idea when they play with another couple that they can or even should spend the rest of the evening with them, that perhaps it's rude to just say "thanks for the fuck" and keep moving. It's one of those little personal preferences things, that you have to be able to clarify with people and to be honest I don't know the answer to how to do that correctly.

The couples you've had this happen with, were they couples you talked to a bit before playing? Or did you just hook up with them in the group room and play? (Those answers might help give a better idea of how to answer).

BTW, to the board!

[slevin]

Yeah, reading through that I kind of got the feeling that we might run the risk of being one of those couples that doesn't get that you want to move on and play with some other people. Just purely because that's not how we approach it; when we meet someone we've got the intention of having a good time with just them that night. Not that we want to start anything more than that, but for that night we want to enjoy exploring things with them. I'm not sure we've ever tried to communicate that specifically or intentionally, but thankfully I don't think it's ever been an issue. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be thinking we'd play more together if the other couple was trying to move on and we just didn't get the hint.

I also don't have any advice on how to handle it, but I am definitely interested in seeing what anyone else has to say about it. I don't want to risk being one of those couples following someone around lol

[Additude]

I hate to say this to you, and I totally understand where you are coming from but this type of action will probably get you labeled as "Bed Post Notchers". Not that you are and not that you feel that way and not that you maybe even care, I'm just saying you stand a chance of "Labeling" from the judgemental side of our human psychological behavoir....get my drift?

So maybe you need to consider having a well thought out plan of tact that is both cordial and informative, nice and reassuring. Be able to convey thru your body language and conversation what your expectations are without allowing others to form the wrong opinion about you.

But then, maybe you are "Bed Post Notchers" and it is what it is....

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by vodka&cherries

Does this happen to anyone else? If it does, how do you handle it without hurting peoples feelings?

Cherries!

We've been in that situation a number of times and here is how we'd recommend you proceed. You've played with couple no. 1 and now it's done. Next you've probably headed towards the bar for a drink or two. Make sure you stand (or sit) next to your SO so that you two may speak one on one to spot anyone else you may like to be with next, but be friendly and outgoing with the ones you've just been with. It would be callous and rude to straight out give them the cold shoulder, and quite frankly unnecessary. When you've spotted another couple you may like to be with and have made eye contact, just excuse yourself to go introduce yourself. After you've chatted a little, then motion for your SO to come over to meet them too and take it from there. That way you've still been polite to couple no. 1, you've moved on to a new couple (unless couple no. 1 would fit in and you all can play nicely together).

[Spoomonkey]

I think it depends on what you are looking for. We've met a couple or two that feel as you do - and to find out after sex is really kind of shitty to be honest. It does depend on how you approach it though.

If you are in a group room and hands roam and sex happens then I suppose it makes little sense to think you are friends now and have more than a physical connection. But most couples we know spend a lot of time talking, flirting and finding other compatibilities before finding a room.

For us, we want more in a couple going into a room. Does that mean we are looking for friends? Not necessarily. We realize that the reality of being outside of a club makes it difficult. We have made friends, but those types of things just "happen."

I don't think there is anything wrong with your approach. You make the lifestyle what you want and what works for you. But I do think it should help to understand what probably the majority of swingers are looking for.

I'm not sure what you would say to a couple, but I would suggest that whatever you come up with you communicate before hand just like any other "boundary issue."

Spoomonkey

[The Fuse]

If they seem to want to talk more than you want to, perhaps you could steer the conversation toward how each of you approaches the lifestyle. In conversation you could then say something like "we really enjoy ourselves and our encounters... we're looking for excitement at the club, not for new friends necessarily, no insult meant, just how we roll". I don't really know how to put it more gently than that... just because you are interested in sex with someone doesn't mean you are interested in them socially, if that is the way you work... though like Spoomonkey, I think you should be prepared for many people to be interested in more of a social connection than perhaps you are.

Really, if you encountered someone in a group room and had sex without connecting socially beforehand, they shouldn't be surprised that you don't want to connect socially afterward. Perhaps just give them a big smile, a kiss on the cheek, a squeeze of the arm, and say "It was great being with you... would you excuse me/us?" and go to the restroom, drink, talk to someone else, or go huddle with your SO. They will get the message.

[realcplub2]

Perhaps, I read the posting and read too far into it, But, lets face it, there are times when you have a great time with someone and really want a repeat or round two..

So, maybe its not that they want to "be best friends" but , a case of, Thank You Sir May I have some more?

[vodka&cherries]

Hi,

Thanks for the replies, the Other half of the couple here.

Justaskjulie:
The last situation was in a couples public room where all couples were playing together so there was no preliminary conversation. i had an idea we could say we are off to the smoking room after we have shared a drink. Thanks for the welcome BTW.

The other was again as a result of a couples room meet, in that instance we did stay chatting for the rest of the evening and we all had a good time. What subsequently happened was on the next visit: We were at the bar and the other couple had literally just entered the club. The guy walked straight up to my other half and pulled her towards him while grabbing her arse... that was even before a hello.
That was what she was the reference to the couple following us around for an hour. It seemed very proprietorial to do that straight away, 6 weeks later after no contact since the initial meet. But it was only our second time at the club so we said we were off playing in such and such a room at the other end of the club, which i felt was a good polite and definite way of disengaging.
He said he never goes there to come with him. But we were insistent and moved off. Lo and behold himself and the other half turned up and tagged us.
I will also add, that this particular couple were well known regulars and us just second time newbies.

Additude: Thanks for the input, the second instance i have talked about we didnt even have chance to say a thing before he grabbed her. Now maybe i am just english in my ways lol, but i do believe in asking and politness before touching.

We aren't unsociable people, or rude. It is i believe impolite to cold shoulder someone and i certainly would have a drink after or a lounge in the jacuzzi

Its interesting additude, but we have to fly to a different country to play and we have made it clear that we play together and we enjoy the open couples rooms. We go over every few weeks.

Surely though "bedpost notchers" or swinging friends are all aspects of the scene . But all inputs are appreciated from everyone. Its also intersting to read from the other side of the coin in terms of the potential social aspect.

Vodka

[slevin]

Originally Posted by vodka&cherries

But it was only our second time at the club so we said we were off playing in such and such a room at the other end of the club, which i felt was a good polite and definite way of disengaging.
He said he never goes there to come with him. But we were insistent and moved off. Lo and behold himself and the other half turned up and tagged us.

If we met someone we'd previously played with out at the club and after hellos and some chat they said that they were going to play in such-and-such a room, I would interpret that as an invitation to come find them when we were going to play. His way of saying hello was definitely over the top and I think we'd potentially be put off by it, but I'd have no problem going to say hello to a couple we'd played with before (assuming we all had fun), having a drink and seeing if they were up for some fun that night.

[vodka&cherries]

Originally Posted by slevin

If we met someone we'd previously played with out at the club and after hellos and some chat they said that they were going to play in such-and-such a room, I would interpret that as an invitation to come find them when we were going to play. His way of saying hello was definitely over the top and I think we'd potentially be put off by it, but I'd have no problem going to say hello to a couple we'd played with before (assuming we all had fun), having a drink and seeing if they were up for some fun that night.

Thats interesting to know as newbies to the scene, but he wasn't interpreting anything as an invitation, but an expectation that he would be getting it.

Thats probably slightly different scenario from our original question, though pertinent.

Vodka

[slevin]

Originally Posted by vodka&cherries

Thats interesting to know as newbies to the scene, but he wasn't interpreting anything as an invitation, but an expectation that he would be getting it.

Thats probably slightly different scenario from our original question, though pertinent.

Vodka

For sure, hard for me to understand all of the subtleties of the interaction just based on a few paragraph descriptions. My intention wasn't to say it was your fault at all as it sounds like they were making sweeping assumptions based on how they said hello. Rather it was just that one small piece that stood out as something that I (also still considering myself a newbie) might interpret as an invitation.

[JustAskJulie]

I have to agree with an earlier sentiment that by telling them what room you were heading to you (without realizing it) extended an invitation to join you. Next time, don't give specifics, just say hello, nice to see you again " we are heading off to play, enjoy your evening".

Knowing that these situations occurred after you initially met these couples in the group room does give some better background to your question. It's a different story than if you'd met downstairs and talked for a while then decided to go play together. In those cases it's easier to see where they might make the connection that you had committed your night to them.

However! Since you did just meet in the group room, I can see where they might have wanted to get a chance to talk to you after the encounter (since they hadn't talked to you before it) and get to know you better. In such case, as another suggested be nice, have a drink with them while scoping out the room for your next romp and then bid your farewell and make your way over to introduce yourselves to someone else.

As far as the couple assuming after 6 weeks of little to no contact that just because you showed up again you are "theirs", that's their issue. Like I said, you made a bit of an error by giving him/them an indirect invite to play with you again (without realizing it) but I think the best way to handle that situation is at the very beginning. Were I your wife and he greeted me that way and I wasn't planning to play with them again that night (or interested in doing so), I would have extricated myself quickly, said "nice to see you again, hope you guys enjoy yourselves", grabbed my hubby's hand and walked away. I don't care how many times we've played, I do appreciate a hello and a smile before you walk up and grab my ass and assume we are going to play.

[vodka&cherries]

Hi
Thanks for the insights, definitely a case of newbies learning the ropes.

Tha advice has been helpful and noted. We don't think it will be an issue again as we now have a better idea of what to say and how to disengage politely.
Regards
Vodka