Daughter caught us - How to handle this?

[Playingnow]

My wife and I have been playing for about a year now. We were invited to a private party at a freind's freind's home. Things progressed through the evening pretty well. We knew there were other couples already playing when we arrived. We met a nice couple and before we knew it, were enjoying each other in a large tent the hosts had set up for pleasures.

As I was being rode by the wife of this couple and my wife was being serviced by the husband, another couple came walking in the almost darkenss and over to join us.

Then a scream. Looking up, there stood our 20ish YO daughter, naked as can be with a young guy.

Go figure!

She ran out and dissapeared. I have called her and went to her apartment but she wouldn't answer the door and won't return my calls.

Has anyone been caught in the act and how do I handle this?

[bbarnsworth]

I'm sure it was a major, major shock to your daughter, not to mention both of you. But, both of you are probably far better equipped to mentally and emotionally handle this shock.

My wife and I have discussed this in the past. Our kids are not old enough to make this a potentially reality now, but it could be in the future.

Our general idea is that we will of course not in any way look negatively upon a child of ours getting into the lifestyle. We will make sure they understand that. Your daughter, in your situation, may feel a huge shock in part because she probably thinks you have a particular image of her, and seeing her as a swinger just shattered that. Self esteem can plummet. "My God! I don't want to think about what my parents think of me now!"

Another issue might be her general unease at her parents seeing her naked and either involved in or soon to be involved in sexual activities. This can be violating to a person. I think how I would approach this is saying "You're a human being, which means you are in part a sexual creature. It's no secret to us that you have sex. We don't need to see it, and we need to work something out to prevent that happening again, but you're not freaking us out by inadvertently proving you have sex. "

Another issue could be she has an image of how her parents "are", and seeing her parents having sex with someone other than mom/dad could also have shattered that impression. Kids often think their parents are sticks in the mud, know-nothings, that have sex about once a year and only in missionary position. They are the moral fiber of the family, the backbone. Mom and dad might have dabbled in different things when they were younger, but now they're responsible...the wouldn't do something like that! You could have just destroyed her entire view of you. Our response might be "Now you know something about us you didn't know. We can't undo that. What we can tell you is we're still your parents, we still love you, and everything you thought of us before is more or less true. It's not really affected by what you know now."

There's a lot of possible things at play here, which makes yet another issue. Emotional overload. Just toooo many inputs to synthesize at once. A common defense mechanism in that situation is to shut it out, push it away, make it non-existent for as long as possible.

Your daughter is a grown woman. You can't hold her hand for everything. She's probably hurt, and may emotionally hurt herself more for the time being by pushing you away, but she probably will be fine in time. I wouldn't push. I'd wait a week or two, and try to contact her again. If necessary, leave a message like "Honey, we're not mad at you, we're not disappointed with you, or anything like that. We're still your parents, we still love you. Please talk with us"

There's been threads on this topic from a theoretical stand point before. Some others may post links to them (I hope!)

[fun4Ds]

Man, this has to really suck !

I really mean that, we could only imagine how you guys must feel today.

I don't know that there are any how to's, at this point.....

Mrs.fun and I sat here and talked about this. I know I felt like, wouldn't we have stopped and exchanged some kind of words before our own daughter left. Mrs.fun said " Like what, stick your head out of the tent yelling, wait its not what you think ? "

We might not have wanted to even come out of the tent...

We have always had a fairly good relationship with our kids who are now, adults. Sure they know what we do, but appreciate our discretion. We know them well enough that no, their not interested in the lifestyle. Allot of things actually changed from the 90's till now. Growing up, they realized that a few other piers had parents that well, enjoyed their weekend getaways also.

Growing up, we felt it best to lead by example, not demonstration....... I'm not making light of this, but you kinda stepped out of our boundaries.

Talking to Mrs fun about this, she said we wouldn't call, we wouldn't knock on her door. We would wait. I have to listen to her as she has some pretty good points as to why. Our children are adults and we respect their homes just as they do ours. We would think of letting your daughter bring this to you, not the other way around.

That may take time....... We would say, wait do nothing for now.

Then if and when the need did arise, we would not apologies for who we are or what we do. Perhaps how this happened, but not what we were doing.

Do you think thats possible ?

[Playingnow]

It has been nearly two weeks now since running into our daughter at the party. She finally called me last night late. I could hear the tention in her voice. I said nothing and let her ask first which she did. I told her that her Mom and I had been playing for a year now and just because we were enjoying sexual pleasures from others, didn't mean any loss in our love for each other.

I never asked her why she was there. I didn't have to. She began explaining to me why and I interupted her. I told her it was her freedome to do as she wished and she didn't have to explain. She reminded me of how protective I was as she was growing up and I told her because I loved her and didn't want her to get hurt by some young boy who only had one thing on his mind. Her perfect little body. She does have a perfect little body and unlike me, is very cute.

I told her not to embarressed by the situation and not to let this ruin her feelings of sharing with others as long as she plays safely.

I guess hearing this coming from her Dad, made things a little easier, I think! She then asked me something I wasn't expecting. Would I be able to hug her and hold her in my arms like I always have in the past. I asked her why I wouldn't be able to. I told her I had always held her and hugged her with love from my heart. She said yes, but now I had seen her naked and seen her exploring her sexual side. I asured her I was not upset and would never judge her for enjoying life.

So we are taking it from here.

[LFM2]

I'm not quite sure how I'd handle your situation, but it sounds like it was a very good adult conversation.

I also believe it was good for her to hear that you and your wife have not lost any love for each other or for her. She needs to hear that, just for reassurance.

[Trace Ekies]

Wow!!! All she wanted to know is if you'd hold her and love her like you did in the past...she focused on what matters and nothing else. Smart "kid".

BTW...I got a tear in my eye when I read that...

Trace

[The Fuse]

Yes, my chin is quivering too. So happy to hear that you and your daughter are focusing on your love as family and acceptance as adults. I'm sure LFM2 is right as well; your daughter probably benefited a great deal from hearing you reinforce the love between her parents.

[shymxcpl]

Sounds like you have a wonderful daughter. I think that the fact that you are also in the lifestyle should serve to reassure her of her own decisions. It sounds like she wasn't so sure that she was doing the right thing but you can build on the fact that you and your wife are swingers to give her some moral support.

And hug her as much as you can!!! She's a great girl!

[fun4Ds]

Wow, this is admirable........ simply just inspiring.

If ever there were a how to's in this situation, I hope other parents "can get" how you handled this situation, and why.

[turnuptheheat]

Kewl

Your daughter was upset that you saw her enjoying herself sexually. I bet you saw her enjoying herself on roller coasters, playing with dolls, jumping rope and watching TV as well.
Looks like you have seen her grow up in ways most never do.
It will be an interesting, and I bet fantastic turn in your relationship, based on the account of your conversation.

[If_You_Please]

I just have to say that I have the utmost respect for you and how you handled this situation. I'm also envious as hell of your daughter...openness like this in a child/parent relationship is rare. I hope you realize how lucky you really are.

[dodgechevy]

Originally Posted by If_You_Please

I just have to say that I have the utmost respect for you and how you handled this situation. I'm also envious as hell of your daughter...openness like this in a child/parent relationship is rare. I hope you realize how lucky you really are.

Totally envious. NOT in we wish our parents were swingers (ewww). But in that if they were ever to find out they would be accepting.

Would not be surprised if both our sets of parents would never want to speak to us again if they were to ever find out.

[2aussies]

Just like to endorse what everybody else has said. I think you have a great relationship with your daughter and I can see it getting better.

[Additude]

See....

All's well that ends well.

You all have a bond that will deepen your family ties.....and give you all something to laugh about in a few months from now when the initial shock wears off.

As shocking as that meeting has/had to be at the moment....the reality of the situation is rather jovial from an objective point of view.

I'm glad things worked out for you.

[NCfuncouple98]

Your bond with your daughter has grown through this experience. So no matter the negative feelings initially. Our boys are teens, and we hope to never face this situation, but should we ever..... You handled it with grace and style, and your daughter obviously is reassured of her relationship with you, and the relationship her parents share.