on-premise club strikeout, what'd we do wrong?

[unusualsuspects]

My wife and I went to an on-premise club this weekend and as these things sometimes go, we met nobody and generally didn't have much fun. I'll give a quick post mortem and we'd love to hear your thoughts.

First off, we don't want to bag on the place we went (yet) so we're keeping it vague. If you think it's relevant I'll mention it. The place is set up more or less like a small nightclub atmosphere: it has a coat check, dancefloor, bar area, smoker's deck centrally and a few good-sized playrooms including a very large playroom the size of the dancefloor.

We arrived in the early in the evening and stayed until about 90 min before closing. We were roaming between the bar and dancefloor and generally smiling at everyone and introducing ourselves to those that we thought looked interesting and gave us good eye contact. While dancing we'd freely make eyes and others and dance facing interesting folks and even invite some over to dance if they were looking shy. We did check out the playrooms but didn't feel the need to get naked with each other there.

My wife and I had a good time with each other, don't get me wrong, but we didn't click with anyone there at all. First of all, the majority of people we saw were extremely unapproachable -- turned in towards each other while sitting or standing around, barely making eye contact with anyone, and generally not looking around when dancing. There was a small subset of people that were more outgoing though we were not interested in them or they were not in us.

I'd say we introduced ourselves/danced/interacted with 16 couples (about half that showed up) and of those 3 couples carried on a conversation or a dance more than a couple minutes. We were only approached once, otherwise we did all the introductions.

We've been to this club before (3rd time now) and the first two times we were very shy so we were being as open, inviting, and approachable as possible. My wife and I don't think we scare people away, we're both on the younger side at the club (31) and in good shape and dressed better than half of the people there: a lot of jeans/t-shirt wearing guys and mall-walking clothes for the women despite the dress code, though that says little more than "dress like you're going out on a date to a nice club"

The conclusions I draw from this is that too many of the people there are too shy for us to draw out in the club setting, so we're going there for the two or three couples that are outgoing, and that seems like a crummy ratio.

What are we reading wrong?

[JustAskJulie]

You said you talked to about half of the couples in attendance (about 16 out of 30ish), that's really not too bad overall. The main thing that I'm seeing (but you didn't come out and say) is that maybe of the other 15 you saw more attractive couples that you might feel like you might have connected better with had you been able to approach them. Am I guessing right?

Sometimes you don't click with anyone, that's just the way it goes. We got with the intent to have fun and meet people. If we click with another couple, all the better. We try to talk to people, but there are a high (and getting higher) number of couples who go to the clubs just to watch, it seems. Or couples who are only there for the female to hook up with another female (which isn't what we go for). It's a turn off.

The only suggestion I can make for you is next time go ahead and play in the play area. You never know, one of those couples that seemed unapproachable in the dance area might just approach you, or suddenly become more approachable in the play area than they seemed elsewhere.

I really wouldn't say you did anything wrong though, you went, you approached, you were friendly. Sometimes you just don't click with people. Give it another shot and repeat the same measures and see if you maybe you meet someone that you do click with.

[Dave_kat]

We've gone to clubs all over, from Texas to Georgia/Florida and sometimes run into the same problem. It honestly sometimes works like that. We've had nights where plenty will talk with us, but noone wants to play, and then nights where we're in for 10 minutes and someone is dragging us to the rooms (like we'd be kicking and screaming, but well, maybe screaming).

Anyway, it depends a lot on the night and the crowd. Sometimes at these things you will find people who are interested in meeting others, and just seeing what is going on. If you watch closely, the couples you're talking with probably didn't play themselves, or played with close friends.

This is your 3rd time at this club. People are still getting to know you there, and getting comfortable with you there. A couple of things we've done to "break the ice" so to speak is to

1) leave the door open and go on and have sex with each other. Sometimes couples will walk in and watch, and you chat them up while messing around. Some might even decide to join you if you invite them to do so. You can of course say no if they don't meet your own desires or interest you. Even doing this will show the club regulars that you are really interested in partying, and they will be more apt to start to get to know you and perhaps play.

2) Don't wait for someone to ask you. If you've been talking to someone for a while, ask them if they would like to go someplace quieter to talk, maybe a little messing around.

Some couples get nervous with the younger couples in the room. We can't explain that, maybe a fear of "not quite experienced" or potential age issues. It's up to ya'll to show them that you don't mind their ages/dress and you're interested in having a good time, and you might have to lead them to heaven.

Once they get to really know ya'll, you will more than likely dtart hooking up. It only takes once for people to know you're really into things and to get over the nervousness with a new couple.

Wish you luck with this, but don't give up. One time is usually all it takes for you pretty much be able to hook up most times you go.

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by unusualsuspects

we're both on the younger side at the club (31) and in good shape and dressed better than half of the people there: a lot of jeans/t-shirt wearing guys and mall-walking clothes for the women despite the dress code, though that says little more than "dress like you're going out on a date to a nice club.

With the way a lot of the other patrons dressed, doesn't really sound like they were interested in hooking up If another couple doesn't put the time and effort to make themselves presentable in a club setting for us....we're not gonna make the time or effort to talk with them.
When we head out, we dress to impress as we're trying to attract others The clubs we go to, only a few couples dress poorly. If half the crowd dressed that way, we'd be looking for a different club. Sounds like it's time for you to find another club.

Brett

[unusualsuspects]

Thanks for the responses; I like to think we approached everyone we had a hint of interest in physically, and just some that were nearby while we were dancing. The other half of the couples that we didn't really go for were the ones not dressing up to see and be seen.

I think we did meet more people (or a few couples did approach us) when we played in the playroom the first time we went, so maybe we will do a little messing around in the hopes of being more approachable.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by unusualsuspects

The other half of the couples that we didn't really go for were the ones not dressing up to see and be seen.

Are you going to be seen or connect? It's understandable to dress suitably for a club, groomed, hygienic, minty breath, but all too often we see people who go to clubs to impress others, waiting for others to notice them and to approach but get a relatively cold shoulder if they're not 'your cup of tea,' and it becomes very apparent in their body language. Not knowing you, how you move and act within the club makes it hard to determine what you feel is not happening for you, but I'd suggest doing a little soul searching to make sure you two aren't giving off the 'wrong vibe.' When we go to either Hedo, Desire, Trap, or our local NY clubs, or whatever, its our nature to be friendly with everyone, and play selectively with those we feel there is chemistry with. Good luck.

[fun4Ds]

Your saying you struck out.

Did you actually ask anyone you might have wanted to play with, if they wanted to join you two ?

[SW_PA_Couple]

Nothing I read in your story indicates that you are doing anything wrong. We made many visits to a club before the other members became familiar. It was a long time, in fact, before any invitation was extended to convene to a private room. And that invitation came from people whom we had first met at a house party. I expect you will eventually make your club connnection.

~Michael

[good times]

When we first started swinging 7 or 8 years ago this would have been very unusual. Compared to our experiences lately, your experience sounds about like an average night at the club to me. The biggest problem we notice is that where several years ago that vast majority of club goers were their to hook up with other folks for sex, now days the majority are not. For a while it looked to us like the voyeurs and exhibitionists were going to take over the swingers clubs. Turns out we don't even see that many of them any more and the new people now just seem to come to the club to hang out. And even though we have asked, we have no clue what these people are in to.

Because of that where it used to be very unusual to go to the clubs three times in a row and not hook up with anyone, now days it seems like, unless you arrange to meet someone there that is, more or less, a sure thing, it is pretty much hit or miss on whether we will find an actual swinger that we all find each other interesting. The problem for us is, we look at meeting someone we already know that is a sure thing at the club as kind of like taking sand to the beach. In other words, our primary reason for going to the club is to meet new swingers, so arranging to meet someone there that we already know seems like a waste of time to us.

All that being said, we still seem to get those lucky nights, sometimes even two club visits in a row. But more often than not we will go to the club as many as a half dozen times to meet one fun playmate. The clubs still beat the online dating sites though, and their is no denying that even if we don't meet someone new, we usually have a good time when we go to the club. Funny thing is, when this started to become an obvious problem (all the non-swingers at the swingers club), I made up a little line we always tell each other on the way home, "well, that still beats staying home and watching TV".

So, I would suggest you do like we do. We go to the clubs intending to have a good time whether we meet and hook up with anyone else or not. Then if we do hook up with someone it is an extra bonus. If we don't, it was still a fun night out, and it beats staying home and watching TV.

[twohots4u2]

There is nothing like being nude in the group room to signal to others that you are serious and ready to play. We get nude and play with each other until we see others there we want to join or they see us and come over and ask to join us.

[karezza]

we went to an on-prem Saturday night. First time in over a year. We went to the nude room, and enjoyed ourselves. Even in that setting Id say there were 5 voyeur couples who were not participating at all for every couple that was being sexual. There has been an influx of new couples lately that are simply not going to have sex in a room full of strangers. They just act like they are watching porn together, thats it.

[xyzzy07]

We don't go to on-premises clubs very often (the one nearby is closed for a while), but have noticed what some of the others pointed out: many people are there just to watch and not hook up. It's worth trying again. It's not every time, but every once in a while we have a fantastic experience.

[Playtou]

Originally Posted by good times

So, I would suggest you do like we do. We go to the clubs intending to have a good time whether we meet and hook up with anyone else or not. Then if we do hook up with someone it is an extra bonus. If we don't, it was still a fun night out, and it beats staying home and watching TV.

We agree with this. It is very seldom that we don't hook up with someone at a club but it can happen so we try not to expect it. Besides, we have a really good time on the dance floor.

I think your age could be an issue. When we started we were in the youngest group and there were some issues with that we had to address. Just like you we asked questions and people told us what we needed to do.

[Mr.Essex]

Umm, I don't know what to say, but here's what works for me.

Dress down a little bit (maybe a polo shirt for him and a skirt and blouse for her.)

Do some more in-depth research into your club. It sounds like the club that you're visiting may be drawing poly-minded people. If you're looking for more conventional swingers, you may want to change venues.

Lower/Alter your standards. I'm a big geek, but some of the more entertaining times that I've had swinging involved me reaching out of my comfort zone. If I'd turned down the attentions of a certain woman, I never would have learned that I really enjoy voluptuous (by voluptuous, I mean more than buxom) women.

Physician, heal thyself. You'd be surprised at how many people never pay attention to how they're perceived. Example: I use big words. I didn't realize that a lot of people think that big words=pompous until I was 25 years old. If you want better results, you might want to pull your friends to the side (for swinging sake, I'd suggest that you pick your most generic friends) and ask them about yourselves. If they say that you were an "acquired taste" (talking from experience) then the issue with making connections may be yours. Some of us have unconscious mannerisms (crossed arms, smug grin, etc.) that make us look unapproachable or uninterested. By changing those actions, we make ourselves look more attractive (even when we're already a 10 or barely a 4.)