Family has suspicions!

[sexylady1970]

The other day Mrs sexy called me completely upset about a conversation she had with her sister. Apparently, she and her husband have had some suspicions about us for quite some time. During the conversation it became apparent that she called their mother to tell her about us without any proof.

My take on the situation was pretty simple. I told her that it was nothing to be ashamed of, and that they should stop this nonsense between each other. I also wondered when her sister became so prudish so I took it upon myself to call her.

She basically called us every name in the book, and while not admitting to anything or denying anything, I simply told her that what my wife and I choose to do with our private lives is our business and nobody elses. I told her that we have a very good circle of friends that care more about us than even our families. We both look and feel better than we ever have and enjoy ourselves. I also told her that all things are not what they appear, and if in the future, she wished to discuss things with either of us, then she should do so, and not start spreading rumors or stories. Mrs sexy rarely if ever talks to her mother so that is not an issue, but she has a big mouth and I am sure it is all over her hometown (we don't live in the same state as her).

I think that in the near future even if we were to openly admit our activities to her in some detail (censored of course) things might get ugly. I suspect that she is so upset over jealousy about our relationship versus hers (her and her husband have been having serious problems recently) and she sees how happy both of us are.

What is the take from other members of the board on this subject? How would you have handled it?

[bbarnsworth]

The potential impact to you and your wife appears to be very small, if any. I think you handled it fine, but not sure I would have vested so much energy in talking to her. Her viewpoints will not change, and the lack of confirmation will be viewed as confirmation to a suspecting mind. Her next call was probably to your mother in law..

Sister-in-law: "I just got off the phone with <mrsexylady> and he didn't deny it!"
Mother-in-law: "What did he say?"
SIL: "Nothing much really. Just said he and sis are happy, but he just wouldn't deny it. Also said his friends are closer than we are. Nice, huh?"

People take from things what they want to hear. I've also noticed that there are people who, when their lives get bad, try to tear down other people to be as miserable as themselves. Misery loves company.

For my wife and I, if my mother in law found out the ENTIRE family would know. Not rapidly; she's not a gossip. She just doesn't keep things private and has no ethic to do so. It's not out of malice, she just doesn't think of things as being private. My sister in law, I don't know. She'd probably go ballistic. She has a rather poor sex life with her husband (out of her own fault, by all clues). My wife and sister in law are close, so I wouldn't want to see their relationship harmed. But, we also recognize that our family is us and our kids, not our in-laws and prior nuclear family. We'd still be happy if her family disowned us. On my side, most of my relatives are dead, and the couple remaining either wouldn't care (especially one of them...former die-hard hippie) or couldn't affect us anyhow. So, no worries.

[JustMrJ]

I agree with bbarnsworth... sounds like your sister-in-law is just looking to tear you guys down because she's having troubles. She's not going to change. No sense in even talking to her about your relationship in my opinion. If that's all she can talk to you about, then you have nothing to say. (I would sever my communications with her, other than holiday cards, etc.)

My family does not know and neither does my wife's. I suspect the only person that would understand would be my father. Everyone else is a bit too emotional about sex and can't distinguish between love and sex. They would respect our choices, but disagree with them and try to convince us it was something we should stop doing. We don't even want to go down that road.

As to friends finding out. Some very close friends have been told about our LifeStyle choice and have not changed their attitude towards us. Others, that are more casual and or more work related friends will not be informed. If they bump into us at a house party, then they have as much to loose as we do.

Good luck!

[two4youinswva]

I'm curious as to how they got suspicious in the first place.

Honestly I think you have two choices when you are confronted and asked "are you swingers?". You can flat out deny it, and say "what, like key parties and stuff?", or you can say "Hell yeah we are. Sorry if that's a problem for you".

When you try to be coy and neither confirm or deny, it puts you right in the middle of the road. Usually being in the middle of the road results in getting run over by a semi. As bbarnsworth said, they're going to hear what they want to hear. If you didn't deny it, then you admitted it, and since you didn't come right out and admit it, then you're ashamed of it (their interpretation, not mine!).

As for our family, her sister knows, and that is it. She is fine with it, even though it holds no interest for her.

My side learned long ago it's better to not ask about my private life, lest they be shocked and frightened about what they discover.
So, it is highly unlikely this scenario would play out.

Good luck to you!

[LFM2]

I think you handled it just fine. I also agree with some in that your sister-in-law is so unhappy with her life and marriage that she wants to share that with you two to see if she can make those around her as miserable as she is.

As far as calling her, I wouldn't have done, but then that's just me. I think that's just inviting more trouble and if you don't confirm or deny, they're going to take that silence as guilt. Some people can be so weird about that. Most people are presumed guilty before being found innocent.

I don't think anyone in my family knows except our oldest daughter who found our profile on AFF. Not a biggie though. She came over the other day and we talked more about sex and life and come to find out -- she and her BF tried the swing thing, too. I would be more comfortable if my mother never found out about us. She definitely wouldn't understand, but the rest of the family can either accept it or lump it.

[VanHlebar]

I most likely wouldn't have wasted the time or energy in calling my sister-in-law. Other than that, sure you probably have and are handling it right. We have some folks that know about us, our best friends that we are going on vacation know about us, and we have very strong indications from my two older children that they also know. Neither of them would ever bring it up directly to us though. We have raised them to talk openly about sex, but not to discuss ones sex life, that is private.

If someone in my family or my wife's family actually had the balls, or if a friend actually had the balls to ask me if I was in the LS, my only response would be that the question is very personal in nature and that I don't talk about my sex life with friends/family. I would ask them how they would feel if I asked them personal questions about their sex life? Yes this would most likely be seen as a confirmation that we are in fact in the LS, but hell they already think it anyways, so they don't need confirmation. They are going to continue believing what they want no matter how I answer their question.

Hope everything works out for you and your wife.

-Van

[lookingfornow]

Formulating any sort of serious response is going to require a lot more information. Most significantly: How large is your wife's family? How centrally located are they? How morally committed are they to the concept of monogamy in a relationship? How large is the community within which you live? How close is your wife to her mother? How influenced is your wife likely to be by her family's disapproval?

Depending upon the situation, my response might have varied from ignoring the situation, to subtle detective work to discover why she thinks what she thinks, to wholesale and complete denials (without reservation). It is nice to think that one's private life is and should be their own. And, in large, metropolitan cities when family is small, dispersed, and not terribly influential in one's life, it is easier to stake out that position. But, I know from experience that in a small town with a large, centrally located family, such a position will never be sustainable.

Good luck.

[lizandtom]

Never explain. Never apologize.

[WildMiCouple]

I probably would have handled it the same way as you. Talking to your sis-in-law was your way of coming to your wife's rescue. But that's the last I'd talk about it with her. If she wants to drive a wedge between you guys and her....then I'd let her. But I've got a feeling that once her marriage troubles play out, your sex life won't matter much to her and things will blow over.

Wishing you luck,
Brett

[sexylady1970]

I think the way they got suspicious was from several things.

1. Both of us have changed our appearance in weight and dress as well as having some cosmetic surgery.
2. We go out on the weekends and usually arrive home at 4am or later while another family member is babysitting at our home as they sleep over when we are out
3. Like most people we have one of those electronic picture frames with some pictures of us dressed up in club attire but nothing out of the ordinary.

I have to agree with some of the other posters on this one as she is attempting to bring her misery to us. Mrs sexy and her mother never talk and frankly she never was considered mother of the year, and in fact is exactly the opposite (for another forum on that one). The more and more we think about it we have decided.......screw them. We are what we are and will stay that way at least for now. Oh BTW, hypocrytical sister inlaw confessed to an affair as well. Hmmmmmm

[Additude]

I think you did the right thing and took the correct course of action calling on your wifes sister to address the siutation directly with her.

I am a firm believer that people should mind their own business and that any subject is open for interpretation, or miss-interpretation by anyone other than the originator.

Thats why I never participate in rumors or judging people based on what other people say about them.

I think no matter what, she will always remember that you approached her directly and that in itself will give her cause to consider before she does something like that again concerning you.

But I ask, Why would this sister of suspicion not first come to yourself and your wife to discuss it or verify the truth?

[Trace Ekies]

I firmly believe that some people, like cockroaches, thrive on death and destruction. I don't know if it's the old "misery loves company" or if it's more related to schadenfreud (did I spell that correctly?).

As pointed out, it is probably related to some sort of jealously that leads her to either attempt to make you miserable (misery loves company) or just to stir something up and watch you scramble (schadenfreud).

In either case you didn't react except to confront her which promptly set her back on her heels and left her wondering. No death and destruction ensued which completely removed the enjoyment for her. Hopefully you removed any fun for her and she'll not mention it again.

Sidebar: 1. I have not called anyone a cockroach...it is used only as an example of a lifestyle some humans live. 2. Schadenfreud, as I understand it, is defined as the malicious enjoyment of some else's misfortune.

Trace

[VanHlebar]

Sady, the family is more likely to forgive your sister-in-law for her "indiscretions" before they will forgive you for yous. Mind you hers most surely have hurt someone (her husband, kids etc) where yours clearly are not hurting anyone and are actually bring
more joy, love and pleasure to your relationship... go figure!

-Van

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by sexylady1970

Oh BTW, hypocrytical sister inlaw confessed to an affair as well. Hmmmmmm

Well DUH don't you know she's waaay more straightlaced and moral in cheating on her husband than you are for having sex with other people with your spouse's consent? My word, where DO you get your notions of fidelity?!?!?!

I have zero time in my life for people who think cheating is somehow more acceptable than swinging.

[JustMrJ]

It never ceases to amaze me that people can not distinguish between cheating (affair) and swinging (approved extra marital sex). It's like all they see is the sex part, not that it's truthful or lying about it.

Sounds like if she wants to talk about it and not give you two a load of crap about it, then talk, if all she wants is to drag your choices through the mud, tell her to look in the mirror and hang up the phone.