Wife Insecure after 6 years of swinging???

[mrfunfan]

Please...I need some serious help understanding what my wife is going through emotionally.

We have been in the lifestyle for over 6 years and everything seemed great until about 6 months ago she became very jealous and insecure.

I admit, we got into the lifestyle to fulfill my 3some fantasy and she went wild the first time after meeting a hot couple and really enjoyed being with girls and "hot" guys. I, on the other hand, was shocked because I had trouble getting hard so many time that I usually just watched her full and I soft played. She never felt good about it afterwards and had some guilt.

I am a very good looking guy and have no trouble with girls wanting me, we are both in excellent shape, I'm a very respectful man and not aggressive and I always want my wife more than anyone else. I prefer girl girl and 3somes with my wife but guys have always come attached.

Anyway, long story short, She has always had more fun until I started opening up and flirting with girls more and getting more attention and aroused. When I was able to finally full swap she got insecure about it and decided no longer wanted to share me.

I was shocked and hurt that she wasn't happy for me and resentful because I never got to experience what everyone else has with my own wife. I love her and this is just fulfilling fantasies and nothing has ever changed for me.

We have talked and taking a long break until we figure out where these real insecurities are coming from. She admits she doesn't know why because I have never cheated and I have never done anything to make her distrust me. I'm very open and honest with her about my fantasies. I'm very secure and have absolutely no jealousy and I feel we are on 2 different levels. She says she wishes she could be more like me. I thought she was the last 6 years until I started coming out of my shell more.

She is OK one day and points out hot girls and wanting to go to a party, or strip clubs, but will get jealous if I even look at another girl now.

I am very confused after all of these incredible years we both had in the lifestyle just hanging out with our friends and the way she was and we were together. We were quite the sexy couple together and now her entire attitude has changed and afraid she is going to lose me.

What do I do?

[it'sso]

If it were you instead of your wife demonstrating this behavior the "Dr. Phils" of this world would be calling you "controlling".

[mrfunfan]

Well, it does control me because it makes me not want to talk, look, or even fantasize about other girls and share them with the only person I want to. I'm afraid too because I don't want to hurt her. I love her too much and it hurts me unless she is happy.

[JustAskJulie]

Have you presented this to her in the "what if it were the other way around" scenario? and asked her how she'd feel then? If suddenly you started getting jealous of every man she looked at or interacted with? While at the same time you were getting whatever you wanted?

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by mrfunfan

Anyway, long story short, She has always had more fun until I started opening up and flirting with girls more and getting more attention and aroused. When I was able to finally full swap she got insecure about it and decided no longer wanted to share me.

I was shocked and hurt that she wasn't happy for me and resentful because I never got to experience what everyone else has with my own wife. I love her and this is just fulfilling fantasies and nothing has ever changed for me.

There are a million warning bells going off in my head about this. If she has a problem because you begin enjoying yourself after SIX YEARS of her enjoying herself, to me, this is a problem in the overall dynamics of your relationship and not necessarily just a swinging issue. Either she has done something that is leading her now to believe that you'll do as she has done, or she does not see you as equals--partners who both deserve to equally have a good time in the hobby you've taken up for half a dozen years.

I absolutely would have a heart-to-heart with her about how this development appears. I also would take a break from swinging [both of you!] until you can come to a closer understanding of each other.

Pepper

[lizandtom]

The addage goes, you go at the slowest persons pace. Considering your performance issues early on, I would have thought that she should have slowed down to a pace you were comfortable at so that you would be involved too, considering it was your idea to start with.

Six years is a long time for a couple to get comfy with the intertwinings of the lifestyle. Now you are getting yours and she doesn't like it one bit. It sounds like the harsh reality is that she is being very selfish.

As suggested above, I agree that you should explain that you want all swing activities to stop until you two can come to terms with what you both want and is comfortable for both of you.

She may not have any control over her jealousy. It's not something that one chooses to have or not, it just is. If you aren't satisfied in remaining on the sidelines (I would not be) and she can't come to terms with her insecurities then the reality is that swinging may not be right for you as a couple.

[Cpl2share]

Ditto what everyone else has said. Possibily up to this point she has been okay with things because of your "ED" problem. To her that meant that you did not want anyone but her, so she felt secure. Now the problem is going/gone away. That means that you are finding other women attractive and maybe do not find her as attractive anymore. Bottom line though: Step back, take a break and work things out. Not talking and working things out will only cause more problems in the future.

[mrfunfan]

Cpl2Share...I feel responsible for having an ED problem and it sux because girls ignore me afterwards but now my wife feels threatened by girls that get me hard and will ignore them.

I realize girls are very complex and make emotional decisions but I need help from the girls here to help me understand why if a girl can have sex with someone else and still love and want their man after why a man would be any different? Everytime we have played I have always wanted my wife more and our sex life is by far the best.

[mrfunfan]

How do you feel about jealousy?

Do you feel the same way?

There are two types of jealousy...the good and the bad. Maybe can be interpreted as pleasing and controlling also.

For example: If you see someone eating ice cream and you want to have ice cream too. It's pleasing..you like what you see and there is no problem with being jealous over that. Hey, maybe they will share!

However, if you see someone eating ice cream and you don't want that person having it because you don't have it or like it...it's bad, controlling and a serious problem with most relationships.

I have always thought jealousy is evil when controlling. I don't even know why these feelings exist. I can honestly say I am not a jealous person at all. What would life and relationships be like without it?

[LikeMinds321]

Right now you probably feel that your wife's jealousy is controlling your freedom to be yourself.

Jealousy also controls the person who feels jealous, it thwarts their enjoyment of life and relationships.

I agree that the word "jealousy" can describe a variety of feelings that range from simple to complex.

Your wife may have gotten used to being the focal point for so long that she doesn't want to share the spotlight with you in the swinging ring. I have to wonder if she isn't more jealous of you - threatened by you, than the other women.

LM

[mrfunfan]

LM, you said something that she told me.."I stole the spotlight from her".

She said I'm more of a flirt now and get alot of attention. The problem is I see her getting attention all the time. She looks sexy and guys and girls will come up to her..but she says...it's unwanted attention and mine is wanted. I have to agree with her because most guys have to work for it. I'm the same guy as the guy that goes up to her..so my question is..why is it ok for them to flirt with my wife and it's not ok for me? I'm not doing anything different. I'm actually doing less and not even kissing or all over the girls...I'm just talking and making them laugh. Meanwhile..the attention she gets is alot more..

It's hard for me to always be the one to allow all the guys to flirt, kiss and be all over my wife and lay back...and think to myself...why is it ok for that guy and not me...She basically is giving that guy permission and not me and I'm her man...she should be happy for me just like his wife is. It's not really fair to me. I really like being able to relax...be myself..and enjoy the flirting and social atmosphere.

I want us both to have fun and I don't think it will happen unless she sees me as equal and stops worrying about losing me.

[iapr]

If you are asking for help in understanding what goes on in a woman's head you are definately asking for the impossible

But all joking aside you do have some issues here and some red flags. For better or for worse your swinging situation and your play dynamics have changed dramatically. You have spent 5 1/2 years playing a certain way and now that situation has changed a lot. In essence you have become a different person than what she is used to and that can be very threatening and disturbing to anyone. To you it's good news. But obviously she is having some adjustment issues.

Going from a limp-dick who sits in the corner and watches while she gets all the glory to becoming a flirty and fully functioning ladies man is a very big jump. You have essentially hit the "RESET" button and now you have a completely different operation going on.

That big of a change even though it is a positive one will still need an adjustment period and reguire going back to the drawing board to come up with a new game plan.

In many regards you have now become a newbie couple and you may have to go back to pretty much square one again and come up with a whole different set of rules and guidelines.

As far as the "understanding" issue goes I think you need to understand that your wife became comfortable with you sitting in the corner and not actively playing with other women and now she is having some issues adjusting. All of us full-swap couples have had to come to terms with watching our partners fuck other people. she has had 51/2 years of not dealing with that and now she has suddenly come face to face with it.

I'm not pointing all fingers at you however. She also needs to give a little and meet you halfway here. she needs to show a little understanding and accomidation too. It's not just all about her anymore and now you are finally getting in the game. In many ways she should be the one writing to all of us here in asking how she can become more understanding and a better team player.

In many ways you are just like a newbie couple that is having their first talks about swinging and you have to assure her that you are in this for the two of you together and she needs to face up to that fact as well and should step out of her box a bit. She has had a 51/2 year free pass where it is all about her and now it is time explore some new facets of swinging.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by mrfunfan

LM, you said something that she told me.."I stole the spotlight from her"...

I want us both to have fun and I don't think it will happen unless she sees me as equal and stops worrying about losing me.

If you've never given her reason to be concerned about losing you then there is no premise for her to be worried.

I suggest you invite your wife to read this thread. If she reads your thoughts and feelings - not just hear you say them to her - it may have more impact on her and she may come to a different understanding of how difficult this is for you.

I would like to hear her thoughts and get her input as well.

LM

[mrfunfan]

IAPR, she never had to see me have as much fun as her with someone else and I thought that would pass and by now she would realize my feelings have never changed and never will. I even got closer and more in love with her. Everyone who has met me has told her how much I love her and it's obvious how much I'm into her.

I haven't just sat on the sidelines..I get to soft play and afterwards be with my wife. A few years ago we agreed to only soft swap unless I was ok to full swap and it was better for me but it would still occasionally happen where the other guy would go for and get full swap and I didn't. I always waited for a green light from everyone or waited for them to full swap first and it would backfire on me. If I don't get a green light first from my wife and she isn't happy for me I won't get into it. Even to this day, I don't want to do anything if she doesn't really want me to. That goes for golfing or going out for drinks with the guys, etc. I just want her happy for me because I love making her happy and I always encourage her to have girls nights out and play sports or pamper herself and just have fun. Life is too short and I don't want neither of us to miss out. I will do anything for her and have been more into her and the family during this break and trying to figure things out but I don't think she'll ever feel the same way about me. I just brought up how much I miss some of the things in the lifestyle and our friends and she responds by telling me she doesn't want that and I always want more.