His actions with the female make me uncomfortable...

[jonelle514]

Hi, we are pretty new to lifestyle. We have been married 11 years and have two kids. We currently live in FL. I am 30 and he is 33. So far we are still trying to get our feet wet. I am still a little hesitant in doing a full swap, but he is all for it. I do feel that if I give him the okay to do it that I will be taking one for the team, plus his actions with the female make me uncomfortable. I look forward to getting to know people on this site as I have a million questions LOL.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by jonelle514

Hi, we are pretty new to lifestyle. We have been married 11 years and have two kids. We currently live in FL. I am 30 and he is 33. So far we are still trying to get our feet wet. I am still a little hesitant in doing a full swap, but he is all for it. I do feel that if I give him the okay to do it that I will be taking one for the team, plus his actions with the female make me uncomfortable. I look forward to getting to know people on this site as I have a million questions LOL.

First, a big big

Second, it is not uncommon for the male half of a couple to be considerably more ready for swinging than the female half. I would recommend you do not take his readiness as anything other than normal.

What you should not accept, and your husband should never consider doing, is pressuring you into doing anything...anything...in swinging. You should feel yourself ready and wanting to do something. It is normal for you to have trepidations about doing something in the lifestyle. Do not mistake trepidations for not being ready or not wanting to do something. People usually have trepidations about ANYthing they are doing for the first time. You have to evaluate for yourself when you are ready. Your husband should not be evaluating for you or pressure you into accepting more than you are ready for.

In our couple, the basic ground rule is that we only do what we both agree on doing, and we're not going to take one for the team. If we both don't agree on doing something, it isn't going to happen. Period. That goes both ways, applies to both of us equally. Both of us can pull the plug at any time, for any reason. I'd suggest a similar rule for you and your husband.

To get your feet wet, you do not have to full swap. You can attend a swing club, or a meet and greet, and just meet people who are in the lifestyle. You'll rapidly find that we're not freaks just regular, average, every day people except we do not place limits on sexuality.

If you want to do more, but not full swap, then have same room sex with another couple, or soft swap, or various permutations thereof. You don't have to do anything you're not ready for. If anyone (your husband or anyone else for that matter) pressures you, the answer should be no.

Feel free to ask lots and lots and lots of questions here. The people here are very welcoming and receptive. We'll give you honest advice. Even if you think a question has been asked before, feel free to ask.

[jonelle514]

Hi. My husband and I are new to the lifestyle. Before we decided to get into the lifestyle our talks were about him wanting to watch me with another woman. I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me because I know that now it is him watching me with another woman and then him wanting to join in and then full swap. He assured me that all he wanted to do was watch. Well we found a married couple that we like. I am not sexually attracted to either of them, but I did kiss her and finger her. My husband just could not sit back and watch, he made out with her and even got a bj. Now it seems that watching me and her is out, he wants full swap. The other couple wants full swap also. I am scared about the whole thing. My husband and the wife talk on the phone every day and then they chat all night all long on the messenger. When we see them, he becomes touchy and he is not a touchy person. They flirt constantly and they have even become jealous of other people. For instance, he was chatting with another girl on the messenger not flirting or anything, just talking and the wife got upset. Now the wife is going to meet some guy she knew in high school and says it is the one guy she always wanted to do, but never did. My husband got upset. When I am around them, I feel like the 3rd wheel. I want him to have fun and want to tell him it is okay to have sex with her, but I am afraid of the feelings they may get after. Plus, I am not sure how I feel about them having sex. I asked him if it would be a one time thing or if he would want to do it again and he said he would want to do it again. I know he really wants to have sex with her and I told him last weekend he could and he saw how upset I was, but he still ran to her. Nothing happened because they were not sure what to do, but I thought if he just did it and got it over with he would leave me alone about her. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

[2inSanDiego4u]

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I am scared about the whole thing. My husband and the wife talk on the phone every day and then they chat all night all long on the messenger. When we see them, he becomes touchy and he is not a touchy person. They flirt constantly and they have even become jealous of other people. For instance, he was chatting with another girl on the messenger not flirting or anything, just talking and the wife got upset. Now the wife is going to meet some guy she knew in high school and says it is the one guy she always wanted to do, but never did. My husband got upset. When I am around them, I feel like the 3rd wheel.

These are some huge red flags, and I'm sure others will chime in and agree. One of our rules is that she gets the women's phone numbers and screen names, and he gets the guy's. This helps to avoid some problems. In your case it sounds like there is an emotional bond forming, which is not how this (swinging) is supposed to work. You should talk to your husband about your feelings, the fact that you're scared (and rightfully so), and tell him that you want to stop until you can both get all of this sorted out. The rules you established were clearly not firm enough, and that is something you need to re-visit before doing anything else. If he is not going to respect the rules you both set, this is not going to work out well. Good luck!

[2inSanDiego4u]

Hello jonelle514! -- Glad you found us!

Since you're new, there are some areas of the site you should be sure to check out:

• The site F.A.Q.'s (Frequently Asked Questions): Click Here
• The "Curious About Swinging" sub-forum: Click Here
• The Archives area: Click Here

If you're looking for a specific topic or keyword, the site's Advanced Search function is very useful for finding information. To use it, click here.

If you have any questions, feel free to post them in the appropriate sub-forums. The community here is very knowledgeable and helpful with all aspects of the swinging lifestyle.

We have posted a response to your question in the other thread here. Hopefully some others will chime in with their thoughts on this as well.

Once again,

[jonelle514]

thanks for the reply. I was worried that I would come off as the jealous wife. I have tried to talk to him and he knows how I feel, but it doesn't change the fact that he wants to have sex with her. He tells me that no special feelings are going to come out, but I feel like they are already forming. We had a rule of no kissing and he threw that out the window the first chance he got to make out with her. I know he loves me, but sometimes I feel that his desire to have sex with her make him do such stupid things. This is going to sound insane, but I would be more comfortable with him being with another woman if he didn't act like a highschool girl. I want everyone to be friends, I just don't want to feel like I am here to have sex with the husband so he can have sex with this girl. I don't even know if I want to take one for the team

[2inSanDiego4u]

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I want everyone to be friends, I just don't want to feel like I am here to have sex with the husband so he can have sex with this girl. I don't even know if I want to take one for the team

You should never have to take one for the team if you're both on the same page. Make sure you come back to this thread later today once some of the others here have had a chance to comment on this. The advice given here is top-notch!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by jonelle514

This is going to sound insane, but I would be more comfortable with him being with another woman if he didn't act like a highschool girl...

It doesn't sound insane at all, maybe that's because I was thinking the very same thing...your husband is acting like a high school boy. This can happen to men or women when the swing bug bites them. It's like their brain flies out of their skull! It's funny, yet not so funny, and can be a sign of big problems if not dealt with immediately. He's got to come to his senses and you'll need to help him get there.

There are many problems with your scenario already: he wants you to continue playing with this couple and you have no interest in either of them after having your first experience with them. Right there this should be reason enough to stop seeing them. Neither of you should ever take one for the team when you swing. And the jealousy thing between your husband and this other woman, bad all the way around.

Right now your husband is not taking your concerns seriously. He needs to, and he needs to cool it with this woman while you two talk more about what your limits are, how you will mutually approach selecting couples, and all the other guidelines couples make when swinging.

Bring your husband here, to the Swingers Board, to read and learn about swinging. Together you can avoid problems and find a solution to handling your differences.

To be happy swingers you have to travel down the same road together, and right now you aren't.

Keep us posted.

LM

[LFM2]

to the Swinger's Board, Jonelle! I really hope this doesn't sound too brutal, but just some thoughts that came to mind when I was reading this. Please remember my opinions are just that -- Opinions.

What do you want out of this foursome?

You're taking one for the team, which is really a no-no. In fact, if my husband did something for me, even though he didn't want to, because I really wanted it, I'd feel horrible.

He does sound like he's in high school. I keep thinking it's that "Y" chromosome , but sometimes guys just lose their minds when they think about swinging. I think they want back those feelings of newness with a new person and tingles in their nether regions. Swinging between consenting spouses is about trust and respect between both spouses.

We keep our swinging life very simple. Swinging is sex. No feelings of love or jealousy toward the other couple. We don't make the other feel insignificant or like poop. We are out to have fun. My spouse is my number one person in my life and no swinging partner is ever going to change that. I can't imagine my life without him.

Bring him here and let him read about swinging. There is a plethora of information here and he could ask questions if he has any.

[bbarnsworth]

Huge, major, mega, astonishingly tall, mile high neon letters


*****STOP*****

There's not a single green flag on this one. Your husband
a) broke the rules, kissing her and getting a blow job from her.
b) is developing emotions for her; jealousy of her with others
c) isn't paying attention to your wants and needs
d) is, as others noted, acting like a high school boy
e) is becoming infatuated with her
f) is pressuring you into acceptance

No way. Absolutely not. Done. Over. Kaput. This girl is OUT of the picture.
Your husband should not be swinging until he learns to respect your rules and abide by them without kindness, courtesy and respect. He should be absolutely thankful that you'd be willing to swing and allow him to do so as well, and stop trying to pressure you into accepting something you're not ready for.

If your husband won't stop the association with her, I'd short circuit the situation and call her husband and tell him what's going on. The husband on the other end, if he's sane, will try to pull the plug too.

This situation is a HUGE mistake.

One way for your husband to look at this; if you both go into swinging together, happily experiencing everything together, it's likely he'll have multiple partners over the years you swing. Is he willing to sacrifice all of that future in exchange for one or more rolls in the hay with *one* person, for a very limited time? That's what he's doing. He's approaching this all wrong. You are being harmed, and that is NO way to operate in swinging.

STOP it, NOW. Immediately. It's over. Not swinging, but this relationship with the other woman. Step back from swinging, and spend time talking until you're BOTH ready to move ahead TOGETHER.

[MrkLin]

As I was reading your first post, Jonell, the red flags popped up like mad. My personal opinion is that you need to sit down with your husband and tell him you want to stop the whole thing - now.

Why do I say that? It's obvious that everything you said you didn't want to happen is exactly what's happening. You need to be firm, but not argumentative. He needs to understand that when the two of you agree on rules, those rules mean something. They're not to be thrown out just because a situation has presented itself. If the two of you set limits, those limits will be respected by BOTH of you. Let him know what you're thinking - that you didn't want to become a full-swap couple, that you aren't attracted to this woman, and you never wanted for him to have sex with her. If he gets upset about it, that's his problem - he seems to be fine with upsetting you about it. I'm not trying to get you two into an argument, but he needs to know that he's crossed the line by breaking the rules he agreed to.

Again, this is just my opinion, and it's probably not one you want to hear, but I think you both have a lot of work to do in your relationship in general. Based on what you've posted here, it appears that all he's done is manipulate you into allowing him to have sex with her. That's not what the lifestyle is about. There has to be complete openness, honesty, and trust in your relationship for even the slightest dabble in the lifestyle to work. Your post tells me that you don't have that, and so your first encounter was a bad one for you.

Again, it's just my opinion, but I think you need to back away from this other couple and focus on the two of you before you even think about dabbling in the lifestyle again. If you don't want anything to do with the lifestyle, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. He needs to understand that your relationship is the most important thing at stake here, and that the way he's going, he's putting it at risk. He really needs to decide whether or not he thinks a little bit of slap and tickle with this woman is worth damaging your relationship.

Again, I'm not trying to get the two of you into an argument. I do think, however, that the two of you need to get some things straight between you.

I wish you luck, no matter what you decide to do.

[jonelle514]

I want to be a swinger, I guess I had different expectations. I wanted to be with a female, then have same room sex and MAYBE a full swap. I wanted to ease into it. When we talked about the experience with this couple I told him that I like to know what is going on. I want to be prepared for what is going to happen so I can process it and when he made out with her, jumped in when I was playing with her, got a bj from her and then was rubbing on her while she was having sex with her husband I was upset because it was something I wasn't prepared for. I was strictly under the impression that he didn't want anything to do with her sexually. I also told him that I felt like the asshole because my mood went south because of it. He said it was all the excitement and that he couldn't help himself. I wouldn't want him to take one for the team for me, but I might do it for him. I just can't for her and I think it is because of the feelings that I think they have for each other. They both deny it, but I am not stupid. When we see them, they are glued at the hip. I even caught them cuddling on my couch when I came in from smoking. They said it was a joke for me and I asked how it could be a joke on me when I wasn't even in the room? I only came back in because I forgot my lighter so its not like they were expecting me to come back in so soon. I was not a happy camper and couldn't see why they had to hide it. I kinda feel like I have to a private eye, which makes me not enjoy anything. Her husband says he has no problem with what is going on. I am hoping it is just because of the newness and not deeper feelings. I am not a prude, I just want to take things slow. I don't know what rules are the norm, but I think I am against kissing. Honestly, I thought that their interactions with each other was the norm and I did start to think that I am not meant to be a swinger. I am glad to have my feelings actually heard. I finally feel like I have a valid claim. When we first got on Swing Lifestyle, I thought my biggest problem was going to be finding someone that would like us.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I also told him that I felt like the asshole because my mood went south because of it.

You should NEVER feel or be made to feel like the asshole because you do not feel good about a situation in swinging. All the more reason to stop a particular situation if that is the case.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

He said it was all the excitement and that he couldn't help himself.

If he can't help himself in a particular situation, then he can't abide by the rules either. I would stop any swinging (at a minimum) until he's ready to agree to abide by the rules...PERIOD...regardless of how exciting something is.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I wouldn't want him to take one for the team for me, but I might do it for him.

I would not recommend taking one for the team. Bad idea.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I just can't for her and I think it is because of the feelings that I think they have for each other.

Everything you have said before and in this post make it blatantly apparent they have developed feelings for each other. Letting them have sex is just going to make this worse, not better. Put a stop to it. NOW. It ends now. Today.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

Her husband says he has no problem with what is going on.

Some husbands don't have a problem with their wives developing significant emotions for their play mates. For my wife and I, the rule is that if emotions beyond friendship develop for any playmates, that playmate is out of the picture. Personally, I don't mind if my wife has sex a thousand times with a particular guy, so long as the only person she loves in a romantic sense is me.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I am hoping it is just because of the newness and not deeper feelings.

Newness can definitely play a strong part. New Relationship Euphoria can have a major impact on someone. "THIS is love! Not what I have!" and etc. It's a very potent emotion. It's also empty. In a few months, it vanishes. What matters is deep, enduring love. Your husband very well could be experiencing NRE and allowing it to color his every action.

The fact that he is lying to cover up his emotions is exceptionally, exceptionally troubling. The lack of being honest with himself is bad enough, but an understandable problem. Lying about it means he's aware of it and he chooses to ignore it, despite your wishes and feelings.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I am not a prude, I just want to take things slow.

Even not wanting to be a swinger doesn't make one a prude

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I don't know what rules are the norm, but I think I am against kissing. Honestly, I thought that their interactions with each other was the norm and I did start to think that I am not meant to be a swinger.

Every couple has their own rule set. One virtually universal characteristic of swingers is that whatever the rules are they are followed. That's not happening here. What is happening here with your husband and this woman is, flatly, cheating right in front of you.

Your rule set, wanting to go slow, no kissing, is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with it. Even if your rules remain like that it is ok. They probably will evolve if your husband gets his head screwed on straight and starts treating you with respect and the two of you can healthily get into swinging.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

I am glad to have my feelings actually heard. I finally feel like I have a valid claim.

You had a valid claim the moment you said "I don't feel good about this". Your spouse should be THE #1 person who supports your feelings. Even if I don't agree with my wife, I support her. She's my team.

Originally Posted by jonelle514

When we first got on Swing Lifestyle, I thought my biggest problem was going to be finding someone that would like us.

You're learning grasshopper, you're learning Finding someone that would like you isn't all that hard. There's ups and downs with the people you meet on Swing Lifestyle, but there's enough ups to easily find people you like and like you.

[TNT]

Hello jonelle514 and Welcome to the board!

I have a few questions for you if you don't mind


How long have you two known this couple and did you meet them through an ad site or at a local social?

From what I read of your post, it seems that this couple has a bit more experience than you and your husband...am I correct in this?

You say you want to be a swinger but you had different expectations...what were these expectations?

How long did you and your husband discuss swinging before deciding to jump in?

The answer to those questions will help me understand a bit more.


Now...STOP SWINGING! You and your husband are obviously NOT on the same page and until you both know EXACTLY what you BOTH expect and want out of swinging you should NOT be swinging.

There is no "norm" in swinging...swinging is what each couple and/or single makes it for themselves. If you are uncomfortable with the way things are going right now STOP. NO means NO is the one universal rule in swinging and it can be said at any point of any encounter and should be respected by all parties involved...including your husband.

It sounds to me that you two jumped in before you really knew what you were doing or what you really wanted. It's time to revisit any discussion you had before and make sure you both understand each other.

Please, bring your husband here and both of you TOGETHER read over as many post as you can, I promise you it will help you both understand swinging and yourselves a bit more.


Teresa

[PB&J]

After our first couple of swing experiences with one couple, I thought that she was getting way too intimate with my husband- phoning him up to get off while her husband was out, and texting him constantly. I didn't like it, I said "It stops here" (even though sex with him was WAY hot!!), and my dear husband said yes, of course, and we haven't been back in touch with them since.

That is how a swinging relationship succeeds. If he can't understand that, then yes, it is time to step back and figure out what's really important here.