She fell for him. Now What?

[lizandtom]

My wife and I have been together for 22 years, married 16 and have always had a good relationship. We've been in the LS for just over 4 years. Our first full swap was 3 1/2 years ago. She hit it off with the other guy great; she described him as a tomcat seeking prey. Apparently she likes a somewhat domineering male. Although I was with his wife 1 or 2 times, I really didn't feel the right chemistry, so that was it for me, with exception of some parties we had where it just worked out that I did her. He had asked my wife to call him after that first time, and they have been in in phone contact ever since, once or twice a week, which I had no problem with because my wife has always been upfront with me about all.

When it was known that his wife wasn't my type, he told my wife not to tell me that they had phoned each other because he didn't want me going into aol chat and telling his wife that they had been in contact. Apparently he kept things from his wife. My wife tells me everything so I said that wasn't cool at all. Nevertheless, after 1 MFM with my wife and him, I wasn't into him telling my wife to keep things from me, and him going behind his wifes back to do as he wanted. My wife was enamored with him and though I expressed my grave concern that he was cheating on his wife, I allowed my wife to get together with him on occasion, like once every few months over the past few years but still saying I didn't like him keeping this a secret from his wife, as its something I never would do.

Fast forward to our local club last month. We were chatting with a couple newly acquainted with us in our off premise club, and they said they knew that other couple (we didn't say anything about my wife being with that guy for the past 3 years occasionally), but the other couple says "we know them, his wife cheated on him a few years back; he found out was pissed and told the other woman and they nearly got divorced over it."

Well that was it. When I heard that drama, I said to my wife "that's VERY uncool, and if relative strangers are knowledgeable about their drama, you will probably become known as the other woman of a cheating spouse, and we'll be blacklisted from our local LS community."

So anyway, last night I said why don't we have 3 couples over Sat night because we've only gone dancing at our local club for the past month but haven't had any playtime. She said great, and that she had planned to go out on Friday night with this guy if ok with me. I said, here I am thinking about something for both of us on Sat., and she already has made plans for herself on Friday for an intimate encounter. So now I'm thinking that she really only goes along with all our playdates to keep me in the game, so I'll allow her to keep on going with this other guy. I called her out on it, and she says she just really likes him, but if I demand it's over then she'll be mopey and dissappointed, but will have to deal with it. Anyway, we talked some more and as a solution I am trying to convince her to convince this guy to get his wife in on it; I'll do his wife to take one for the team (she's actually very foxxy) for my wife to be happy and see the guy, but for her to keep on going with him while he's doing it all behind her back is just not cool with me.

What do you think? Thanks.

[Alura]

I think you're right, Tom, and I'd stick to my guns if I were you. Since "taking one for the team" doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice in this case, I think you've struck a good compromise. Maybe if you get to know Mrs. Playmate better, it won't be an imposition at all.

What is it exactly that your wife likes about the guy? Have you asked her?

Mr. Alura

[TNT]

Personally, I think your wife is showing you (not to mention the other woman) a huge lack of respect.

You've voiced you concerns and that you're not happy with her playing with this man behind his wife's back, yet...she continues to do so.

I would ask your wife how she'd feel if you were playing behind her back...so she'd get a feel of what the other woman could be feeling. And, I'd ask her how she would feel if you were playing with someone that she didn't want you to play with.

IMO...you two need to stop and re-evaluate this situation.


Teresa

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by Alura

What is it exactly that your wife likes about the guy? Have you asked her?

She says she likes the way he fucks her, but I think it goes way beyond that. She has also said they talk about lots of stuff, like the breast cancer his wife is going through now.

Originally Posted by TNT

I would ask your wife how she'd feel if you were playing behind her back...so she'd get a feel of what the other woman could be feeling. And, I'd ask her how she would feel if you were playing with someone that she didn't want you to play with.

In addition to asking her that very same question a number of times verbatim, I also said the other guy is very hypocritical because when he found out his wife was cheating on him, he went and told the other guys wife about it. Now that he's doing the cheating, should I go tell his wife? I have said to my wife many times over this, it's not swinging, it's cheating (on his part). She's enabling him to do it though, and that has all degrees of wrong written all over it.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by lizandtom

When it was known that his wife wasn't my type, he told my wife not to tell me that they had phoned each other because he didn't want me going into aol chat and telling his wife that they had been in contact. Apparently he kept things from his wife. My wife tells me everything so I said that wasn't cool at all. Nevertheless, after 1 MFM with my wife and him, I wasn't into him telling my wife to keep things from me, and him going behind his wifes back to do as he wanted. My wife was enamored with him and though I expressed my grave concern that he was cheating on his wife, I allowed my wife to get together with him on occasion, like once every few months over the past few years but still saying I didn't like him keeping this a secret from his wife, as its something I never would do.

...she says she just really likes him, but if I demand it's over then she'll be mopey and dissappointed, but will have to deal with it.

Tom~

Years ago you felt things weren't going right, yet you let it continue, all because you don't want to deal with a "mopey and disappointed" wife? Well, I've got news for you, wife's get mopey now and then. When we do, you need talk to us and get things straightened out, sooner than later.

I think waiting so long to deal with this problem has only made things worse. But you do have to deal with it because it's not going to get better letting things slide as you have.

Maybe you can think about why you have postponed facing your wife more directly about the lying (by the other man to his wife) and the secrecy. Maybe you have been worried that you will discover something about your wife's need for this man that you don't want to hear. Maybe you feel telling your wife that you don't want her to play with him will cause her to leave you, or cheat on you. Maybe ending the relationship with this man will cause your swinging to end.

Whatever the reason(s), it's time to stand up to your wife.

LM

[2insandiego4u]

It sounds like the two of you did not establish a good set of rules when you started out a few years ago. Your swinging style seems excessively open and carefree, without much regard to your own relationship or your playmate's relationships, for that matter.

Assuming it is not too late, lay down some ground rules for various scenarios. You have some experience now so this should not be too difficult. To be honest, this other couple sounds like they come with a fair amount of drama attached. Is this something you really want to deal with? There are plenty of fish in the sea!

[lizandtom]

BTW, thanks for the comments and input from everyone.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

...because you don't want to deal with a "mopey and disappointed" wife? Well, I've got news for you, wife's get mopey now and then. When we do, you need talk to us and get things straightened out, sooner than later.

I think waiting so long to deal with this problem has only made things worse. But you do have to deal with it because it's not going to get better letting things slide as you have.

Maybe you can think about why you have postponed facing your wife more directly about the lying (by the other man to his wife) and the secrecy. Maybe you have been worried that you will discover something about your wife's need for this man that you don't want to hear. Maybe you feel telling your wife that you don't want her to play with him will cause her to leave you, or cheat on you. Maybe ending the relationship with this man will cause your swinging to end.

Whatever the reason(s), it's time to stand up to your wife.

LM

Likeminds, I have expressed disapproval of the other guy's cheating each and everytime. The guy is chicken shit to tell his wife because he know's she'll disapprove and say no because they're not playing together. When they come to our parties, we all have fun without issues, and all couples are full swap and easygoing. I have been very vocal to my wife though about the guy being a snake in the grass for the unauthorized get-togethers.

I have let it continue because I rationalize that if it makes her happy then why not as long as I'm not being deceived in anyway and our relationship is still strong (which it is; we love each other and know that WE come first). After all, we've had dozens of partners over the past 4 years in all types of situations, and I have a hall pass as well, although I have only used it maybe twice.

Like I said, I told her to convince him to talk to his wife and get her involved in a good way, otherwise it cannot continue. Should anything more be done iyho? Thx.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by 2insandiego4u

...Assuming it is not too late, lay down some ground rules for various scenarios. You have some experience now so this should not be too difficult. To be honest, this other couple sounds like they come with a fair amount of drama attached. Is this something you really want to deal with? There are plenty of fish in the sea!

Totally agreed, that's exactly how I feel; why not just find another that floats her boat, but thus the title of the thread explains it. IMHO we don't choose with whom we fall for, it just happens. Regarding rules, we have been a really good team thus far in view of swinging; we communicate constantly about feelings, attractions, etc etc., it's just this one issue of her "friend" cheating and not respecting his own spouse that bugs me.

[JKlovers]

I'm a newbie here so my opinion is probably not as important as others since I don't have any real experience to talk about. However, I have dealt with my husband's emotional affair with a co-worker so I do know what you're going through.

If I were in your shoes, I would cut ties with this couple and move on. I know you've known them for a while, but I see lots of red flags concerning your wife and her attachment to this guy. It may be harmless now, but it just sounds like it could quickly take a turn in a bad direction.

It sounds like their relationship is a bit on the rocky side, and I personally wouldn't want to deal with a couple going through all that drama. Good luck to you

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by lizandtom

I'm thinking that she really only goes along with all our playdates to keep me in the game, so I'll allow her to keep on going with this other guy....

Like I said, I told her to convince him to talk to his wife and get her involved in a good way, otherwise it cannot continue. Should anything more be done iyho? Thx.

Tom~

What you posted in #7 reiterates what you've already said, and I do understand how you have tried to convince your wife to change her view of this guy.

Getting this guy's wife involved doesn't seem plausible, with all you've said. As others have already pointed out, you taking one for the team would not be advisable or satisfying.

It's not your or your wife's place to tell this man's wife that he's cheating on her with YOUR wife. Your wife is having an affair with this woman's husband and the wife is not going to want to hear about it from you.

You asked me "should anything more be done?"

Tell your wife that you don't want her to see him anymore and ask her to stop all communication with him. Don't invite this couple to your parties. Drop them.

Then see what your wife does.

You believe your wife has fallen for this guy, you probably wonder if she is in love with him. She may be. If so, you should find out and face this head on. If your wife is keeping you in the game only so she can be allowed to have an affair with her playmate, that's not healthy swinging.

LM

[amid]

[quote=JKlovers;348900]

If I were in your shoes, I would cut ties with this couple and move on. I know you've known them for a while, but I see lots of red flags concerning your wife and her attachment to this guy. It may be harmless now, but it just sounds like it could quickly take a turn in a bad direction.

QUOTE]

It sounds too personal to me.. Once the guy asked your wife to keep things from you he should have lost all your trust. If there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to hide. Your wife should have keyed in on this too.. once a liar always a liar.. there are no degrees. From what I hear on a constant basis the whole premise of swinging is about trust and honesty.. lose him like a bad penny.. if your wife is sincere and not playing you, she will get over being mopey quickly because you are the most important person in her life and in her bed.

[iapr]

The other posters are trying to be sensitve and politically correct to protect your feelings and not make you feel any worse than you already are. I'm going to tell it like it is to give you a reality check so you can take back your life and hopefully save your marriage.

This dude and your wife are a couple of pukes and are taking advantage of you and the other wife and you are being a pussy for letting them push you around and get away with their shit while you knew all along this wasn't right.

You have made many mistakes throughout this whole ordeal, don't try to fix it by making one more huge mistake by trying to schmooze the other wife so your wife can cheat on you more with this schlep.

It may be three years late in coming but you need to toss this dickhole out to the curb and tell your wife if she wants to stay married with you then she needs to sever all ties with this guy... no texts, no emails no nothing.

This is nothing more than a sanctioned affair and you are sanctioning it by your inaction. This is nothing but a drama bomb full of pain and destruction getting ready to go off. If you want to save your marriage you are going to have to man up, velcro your balls back on and take your marriage back.

First thing in the morning go to a family law lawyer and find out how to get all your assets into your name. Find out how to protect your paternal rights and start drawing up the divorce papers and get all your ducks in row and to your advantage. Once you have all your shit together then you call a "Come-to-Jesus" meeting with her and show her that you have your shit together and you mean business and give her the option of living "mopey and disappointed" without her boytoy untill you two can get some good counseling. Or she can have the boytoy while she is fighting for visitation rights of her kids while living in a van down by the river.

I'm being hard on you because you knew from day one that this was not a good situation and you saw all the red flags and yet you did nothing to stop it. Now that you are starting to see the shitpot that you have all created you trying to backpedal by coming up with some cock-a-may-me plan to fuck his wife so your wife can keep her affair going with this asshole. You know you've fucked up, so quit digging yourself in deeper and pull the plug on this whole ugly, messed up situation before you have a real disaster on your hands.

[PB&J]

She has also said they talk about lots of stuff, like the breast cancer his wife is going through now.

Okay, what? His wife has breast cancer, and he's tomcatting behind her back? And your wife is cool with that? I'm sorry, that is just plain wrong. Obviously they are not thinking, so you have to do it for them.

I have let it continue because I rationalize that if it makes her happy then why not as long as I'm not being deceived in anyway

You've had the opportunity to rationalize it. The other wife HAS been deceived, and that is NOT swinging.

One way or another, if you respect yourself and your marriage, AND their marriage, you have to put your foot down.

[Alura]

PB&J is dead right on this one. (Forget my advice about taking one for the team. That was before you revealed the breast cancer.)

I know about breast cancer. Mrs. Alura has had two bouts with it. The second chemo treatment damaged her heart putting her into Congestive Heart Failure. She spent an entire month in intensive care and was released to hospice care with the prognosis that she would live for three days to three weeks. Due to her own gumption and survivor personality, she's still alive and quite active almost three years later.

Could I have cheated on her when she was living that nightmare? Hell, No! She says she couldn't have survived without my support. I don't know about that, but I can damned sure assure you that I gave every ounce of myself I could during the ordeal.

That low-life bastard who is fucking your wife needs to be at home with his own woman and you need not be enabling him.

His wife needs support. If he won't give it to her, perhaps you should.

And what if his wife dies? Does he already have a replacement in the wings?

Shit!

Mr. Alura
("Tell us how you really feel, Al.")

[it'sso]

My own opinion:
It's not about the other guy. Plain and simple, swinging is something two people do with others TOGETHER. If she is wrapped around him and you aren't getting any, it's not swinging. He's on the make and she's on the take, and you are left home to bake.