Taking one for the team: How long can this go on?

[jid2008]

My wife and I have gotten with a couple twice.

The first time we got together, the other girl was wearing a summer dress, and all I could tell was "Wow, she has some big tits!" Well, then her clothes came off. She was so skinny, I never thought her face was that great, and she has NO ass (and I am an ass man, completely, 100%). Completely unattracted to her, but it felt good because it was the first time I was with another woman in 7 years and she looked decent in her summer dress.

Well, the next time came along. This time we all went to a mall and she was wearing jeans. These especially accentuated her having NO ASS. By this time I am completely turned off. We all 4 played, and I barely touched her at all. For one, her husband goes down on her instantly and makes disgusting slurping sounds. I'm not cool with sucking some other dudes spit out of a girls vag, especially a girl that im not even attracted to's vag.

Both men are both fully prepared to let our wives play together. They are into each other (my wife likes kissing women, and I think it turned her on that she is able to give this chick and orgasm). I have no problem with that.
Well, rather than going f/f and leaving me out of it (I absolutely DREAD it all day if I know we are going out with this couple), the girls have decided they want to go....drumroll..FULL SWAP! Yay. Yuck. Any way, my wife blows up and decides I am a "jerk" and a "dickhead" and I "care about no one but myself" because I don't want to have sex with this girl.

She brings up that she was willing to get with a couple of couples that had unattractive men "for me," but those never happened any way. I suggested, okay, maybe we should just get with couples that we are both attracted to...That's fine! But no, I'm still a dick and a jerk who cares about no one but himself.

What do I do? Do I keep dreading DAYS AHEAD of the time I am to meet this couple because I have to try and "perform" with a girl that I find unattractive? Or do I tell the wife to get with the girl, leave me out of it, or move on? I'm sick of this!

[Alura]

Okay, so we know what you like physically about women. What personality traits in a woman turn you on? Is your attraction to a woman strictly physical and you discount her if she isn't formed exactly to your taste?

Your wife may be right.

Mr. Alura

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by jid2008

My wife and I have gotten with a couple twice.

The first time we got together, the other girl was wearing a summer dress, and all I could tell was "Wow, she has some big tits!" Well, then her clothes came off. She was so skinny, I never thought her face was that great, and she has NO ass (and I am an ass man, completely, 100%). Completely unattracted to her, but it felt good because it was the first time I was with another woman in 7 years and she looked decent in her summer dress.

Well, the next time came along. This time we all went to a mall and she was wearing jeans. These especially accentuated her having NO ASS. By this time I am completely turned off. We all 4 played, and I barely touched her at all. For one, her husband goes down on her instantly and makes disgusting slurping sounds. I'm not cool with sucking some other dudes spit out of a girls vag, especially a girl that im not even attracted to's vag.

Both men are both fully prepared to let our wives play together. They are into each other (my wife likes kissing women, and I think it turned her on that she is able to give this chick and orgasm). I have no problem with that.
Well, rather than going f/f and leaving me out of it (I absolutely DREAD it all day if I know we are going out with this couple), the girls have decided they want to go....drumroll..FULL SWAP! Yay. Yuck. Any way, my wife blows up and decides I am a "jerk" and a "dickhead" and I "care about no one but myself" because I don't want to have sex with this girl.

She brings up that she was willing to get with a couple of couples that had unattractive men "for me," but those never happened any way. I suggested, okay, maybe we should just get with couples that we are both attracted to...That's fine! But no, I'm still a dick and a jerk who cares about no one but himself.

What do I do? Do I keep dreading DAYS AHEAD of the time I am to meet this couple because I have to try and "perform" with a girl that I find unattractive? Or do I tell the wife to get with the girl, leave me out of it, or move on? I'm sick of this!

Oh dear It is so much easier for a woman to take one for the team physically speaking. And I think many women do it because they believe there will be some sort of payoff. Regardless, I don't think either one of you should do it. Just my opinion. And you've got to be honest. Otherwise, the no-ass woman may wind up hurt, thinking there's something more wrong than a simple, "sorry, babe. you just don't do it for me." Stop now. It only gets worst if you continue the facade.

[sweet_tna]

That's a toughie. The ladies really seem to like each other, but if you're not attracted to the other person, then there's really nothing for it.

I'd say you and the wife need to put swinging on hold altogether until you can figure out a way to play where you're both happy. While I see Alura's point, there's no point in swinging unless you're both enjoying it.

Best of luck to ya'll . . .

=)

[good times]

I also understand Alura's point, but I don't really see what it has to do with this situation. For me at least, it doesn't matter how much I like a person on a personality or emotional level, if she doesn't turn me on physically, nothing is going to happen sexually, most guys I know are the same.

To the OP's problem, I am pretty sure that most couples that only play with couples go through this at some point. The fact is, it is really hard to find two couples that all four find each other equally attractive. Some folks handle that by one or the other having to take one for the team now and then. And while I think almost all swingers can point to encounters where one of them took one for the team, whether they knew it going into the play session or not, I know very few that would do it repeatedly with the same person. The other approach is the one we eventually settled on. That is, we have decided that for us, quality is better than quantity. So while we don't play as often as some, or even most swingers we know, we choose to only play with couples that we are both attracted to. Does this mean we never take one for the team? No, but we do it much less often now days, and it is usually after the fact that we realize we did it, when the person that initially turned us on just doesn't do it for us when the clothes come off.

So from my perspective, if your wife is being unreasonable, which if she expects you to play with someone that doesn't turn you on, she definitely is, in my opinion. Then you need to talk to her about it and come to a reasonable compromise before going any further. while, as I said before, it is hard to find to couples that all find each other reasonably attractive, it isn't that hard. We are the most picky people we know, when it comes to picking suitable playmates. Yet we don't have any problem finding playmates that meet our desires. We don't find a half dozen new people to play with every weekend, but, on average, we probably find a couple of new couples a month. So, again in my opinion, to fixate on this one couple, even though the woman doesn't do it for you, is unreasonable.

I do understand your wife's frustration though. We seem to go in waves, for a time it seems all the couples we find the woman turns me on but the guys doesn't do it for my wife, then for a time it seems like the opposite. Regardless, we stick to our plan, if we both aren't turned on we pass them by.

[bbarnsworth]

For my wife and I, our rule is we don't play unless both want to play. If you were in my shoes, you wouldn't be playing. It's really that simple. We don't "take one for the team" as it were.

We are willing to be less picky than we would in finding an actual significant other (if either of us were looking for that, and we of course are not), but we're not willing to accept a half of one couple who actively turns us off because the other half is really turned the other on. That would ruin the experience for all of us, and that's not why we swing.

I agree with Sweet. Pause in your swinging; work this out to understand what the rules/limits are and move forward again. Your wife might be extremely attracted to the woman in the other couple, but that's not a reason to continue when you are so uncomfortable. There will be other women.

[jid2008]

Thank you all for your replies!! It seems pretty unanimous...it should stop if we aren't both into it.

To Alura, you shouldn't be offended by my comments. For my wife and me, swinging is about enjoying each other and enjoying having a new body in the bedroom, spicing things up. There is no emotional connection, it is strictly for fun, excitement, and pure sexuality. There are plenty of girls that have great personalities that I wouldn't want to hop in bed with.

I guess my thinking is that if I continue "taking one for the team" that sometime when I find a girl that is to my liking, my wife will do the same if she finds the guy unattractive. But as another poster said, my wife isn't nearly worried about physical characteristics as I am. How am I supposed to stay hard with a girl that just doesn't do it for me?? Tonight if I didn't watch my wife's beautiful ass bouncing up and down on the other guy, I don't think I could have stayed hard. If she thinks someone is clean and finds the girl somewhat attractive, she is down to play. She gets in the mode and she is ready to go.

[fun4Ds]

I'm just curious.

Are you actually turning down women with nicer asses or at least women that do turn you on sexually, because your wife is so "into" this couple for now ?

Or

Do you feel your wife and this couple are holding you back from pursuing new playmates ?

[JTcamp05]

Are people really this vain?..... Ohhhh dear I think they are......



Guess if your not "both" into this couple.... you know what to do!

[Alura]

Originally Posted by jid2008

To Alura, you shouldn't be offended by my comments. For my wife and me, swinging is about enjoying each other and enjoying having a new body in the bedroom, spicing things up. There is no emotional connection, it is strictly for fun, excitement, and pure sexuality. There are plenty of girls that have great personalities that I wouldn't want to hop in bed with.

I'm not offended, Jid. I just think differently about playmates, I guess.

I've overlooked physical attributes that were not to my liking just because I found the lady to be interesting. For instance, I prefer slender women, but I've had a great time with some ladies who were overweight.

I have trouble "getting it up" if the lady doesn't stimulate my mind. Mrs. Alura is similar. More than once she's said, "He's attractive, knows his way around a woman's pussy, ... I just wish he could talk about something interesting when we're not fucking."

Did you ever consider that the other lady may find you lacking in a particular attribute she likes about men but is "taking one for the team"? She may be trying to keep the friendship alive for her husband and your wife.

In my opinion, playmates are hard enough to find without making it more difficult by demanding certain physical characteristics.

I do agree, however, that if you're not having fun you owe it to yourself, your wife, and the other couple (particularly the lady!) to find more compatible playmates. It may not be that easy, though.

Mr. Alura

[JustAskJulie]

Just because your wife isn't as concerned with physical aspects doesn't mean she couldn't end up taking one for the team to make you happy. Perhaps the guys a total ass and you are so into the woman that she feels pressured to do the asshole just to make you happy? It's the same thing.

No one should take one for the team, regardless of the reason, and the longer you continue to do so instead of moving on an dfinding a couple that makes you both happy, the more issues you are going to see develop.

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by jid2008

the girls have decided they want to go....drumroll..FULL SWAP! Yay. Yuck. Any way, my wife blows up and decides I am a "jerk" and a "dickhead" and I "care about no one but myself" because I don't want to have sex with this girl.

She brings up that she was willing to get with a couple of couples that had unattractive men "for me," but those never happened any way. I suggested, okay, maybe we should just get with couples that we are both attracted to...That's fine! But no, I'm still a dick and a jerk who cares about no one but himself.

The girls aren't the only ones that get to decide what you do. If you're not attracted, you're just not attracted. Period. I think she's being selfish by pretty much guilting you into playing with this other couple, unless of course, you've done the same thing to her on previous occasions.

I think sometimes the excitement of being in the lifestyle leads to some desperation and clouded judgement. If you stop for a minute and think, it doesn't make any sense to have bad sex with people you aren't into. Either one of you. Hell, you're together....you can have sex anytime. And, if you think this other woman is fooled into thinking that you're into her, you're kidding yourself. As lousy as it is for you, I'm sure it's as lousy for her.

You really shouldn't full swap with this couple. You and your wife should figure out whether she should play separately with them, or if you should part company with them all together.

Pepper

[iapr]

Originally Posted by jid2008

She brings up that she was willing to get with a couple of couples that had unattractive men "for me," but those never happened any way. I suggested, okay, maybe we should just get with couples that we are both attracted to...That's fine! But no, I'm still a dick and a jerk who cares about no one but himself.

There is something about this paragraph that really troubles me. Most problems in swinging are not from other people or from swinging per se but rather from dynamics from within the couple. Taking one for the team should never be an issue and it should never be a negotiation point. If one party does not want to play then there is no play and you move on..period.

That fact that she threw her willingness to take one for the team in your face is not a good sign at all. Taking one for the team should never be thought of as ammunition or something one does to garner favors to be cashed in at a later date.

The fact that she is harboring resentment and disappointment and holding it against you in this is also troubling. I fear there is more underlying problems here than some gal with no ass and those underlying problems are probably from within. Search for and address those issues and taking one for the team shall become a nonissue.

[screaminggood]

Well Said, Iapr!

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by jid2008

By this time I am completely turned off. We all 4 played, and I barely touched her at all.

How did this jump happen? If you're completely turned off, why did you go ahead with the play?

Originally Posted by jid2008

Well, rather than going f/f and leaving me out of it (I absolutely DREAD it all day if I know we are going out with this couple),

You've played with them twice, right? Was the first time full swap, then the second time soft swap since you "hardly touched her"?? From your statement about dreading it all day when you meet them, it sounds like there have been other encounters with them too that didn't result in a play session?

Originally Posted by jid2008

I suggested, okay, maybe we should just get with couples that we are both attracted to...That's fine! But no, I'm still a dick and a jerk who cares about no one but himself.

That's the only way to do it to be fair to both yourselves and the other couple. Both are interested, or you take a pass. That's especially true for the second time around. It's easy to fall into a situation with a new couple that doesn't go quite as well as hoped and in hindsight realize someone took one for the team and the better decision would have been just to take a pass, but when you go back again to the same couple and expect whatever wasn't there the first time to 100% be there this time, that's kinda unrealistic.

Originally Posted by jid2008

What do I do?

As others have said, probably best to stop swinging until you get to the heart of this problem and get it worked out. Things just aren't clicking between the two of you the way they should when it comes to swinging, and it's a dangerous game to keep playing if they aren't.