We don't think she knows...

[Nitati]

Okay... a male friend of mine has recently shocked me & my hubby by insinuating that he wants to have sex with me. He's aggressively hinted at this several times recently and I am at a total loss. He was one of my only male friends, has been for nearly 2 years now, and I just don't want that particular relationship to go any further. With him, I honestly started to believe that a man and woman could have a friendship with no other "expectations". Ah, well. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, right? It would simply be a matter of having an adult conversation with him.

The complication comes in the form of his fianceé. She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and I honestly don't think she knows what her hubby-to-be has been saying to me (or to my husband). We don't know what he's been saying (or not saying) to her either. His behavior recently has been a surprise to me & my hubby, and we believe this is all being said & done completely without his wife-to-be's knowledge. And that just doesn't sit right with us. Especially since he has recently been sending emails asking my husband to send him explicit, nude pictures of me (to which my husband has not responded) while sending me emails about wanting to cum inside me (to which I have not responded). Talk about akward.

The worst part is, this is all being done online as we don't live close and my hubby is currently away for a while (military). I know everyone isn't like us, but my hubby & I both have open, unrestricted access to each other's personal email accounts... and the hubby and I have both seen how this friend has been saying one thing to me and yet another to my hubby. So it just further goes to lead us to believe that the wife-to-be is out of the loop. And because we have an open & honest relationship, the guilt over this is just driving me crazy, and making my husband feel uncomfortable with it as well.

If you were me (the Mrs. here): How would you handle this? Would you leave it alone? (<---this is my first instinct... just leave it alone & avoid alllll the possible drama that could ensue, but I also kinda feel like that's a "punk out" so to speak). Would you address it with him only & let him know that there will be no sex? Would you have the hubby address him about it? Would you ask the wife-to-be if she's aware of his suggestions and see what she thinks? Or do you have another suggestion that I haven't thought of yet?

It is possible that this is all being done with her full knowledge, consent, and possibly encouragement... but we highly doubt it. They are both very attractive, so it's not *that*, but she seems very vanilla, which leads us to believe he's trying to "cheat". Yikes! I am so disappointed in him. Or is my mind taking this situation & blowing it all out of proportion?

[des1re06]

Sounds like you need a chat with him. If he's been a friend for that long, why not just come out and ask him what the hell he's thinking? I would also indicate to him how inappropriate you feel his emails are to your husband. Air it out and everyone will feel better.

Also, I'd let my friend know how I feel about cheating. That's a big misunderstanding about us in the vanilla world. We don't cheat!

Good luck

Mrs. D

[jccuriouscouple]

Although it may be akward, I would talk to him and tell him that you are not interested in him in that way and that nothing can happen or will happen. I typically think the "direct and to the point" conversation is best because some guys just can't take a hint.

I wouldn't put the other female in the middle of it yet. You could tell him that if he persists then you will make her aware of what he is trying to do. He probably doesn't want that to happen and will back off.

That is too bad that he has gone down that road. He's got some big cahuna's to directly ask your husband for explicit photos of you. There is a right way and wrong way and it sounds like he is doing everything wrong.

Good luck with this and keep us posted.

[jjtrindc]

It's like a bandaid, sometimes you just have to riiiiiiiiiip it off. Short term ouch, but you'll feel better. You may just need to draw a line in the sand. Tell him that he needs to immediately stop or that's it. I wouldn't even give him three strikes, but that's something for you and your hubby to discuss. I think you do have to be prepared to end the friendship which would be a shame. But over the long term, this is a situation that can really only get worse if you don't take care of it firmly. Good luck.

[slevin]

For me I would talk to him, let him know that you and your husband have absolutely no interest in you having sex with him. That it is not going to happen and the messages that he is sending you both are making you uncomfortable. You should ask him if his fiancee knows that he has been expressing interest in you and if he hasn't I'd tell him that you won't keep it secret from her. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her, but I wouldn't hide it either. If it came up in conversation I'd discuss it and if something slipped out in her presence I wouldn't feel guilty.

I also would stop talking to him or seeing him for a while out of respect to your husband. You've got an open and honest relationship so I know that it of great importance to you; since he is overseas I think it's even more important to make sure that he knows his wishes are totally respected and if he's not comfortable with anything happening then removing all concern about it is the best possible situation.

I find your friends timing to be very disrespectful to your husband, which makes me question how good a friend he really is.

[2insandiego4u]

If you're uncomfortable about confronting him alone without your husband around, send him an email and CC it to your husband as well. That way all three of you will be in on the conversation, and you can both see how he reacts. IMO, you should probably limit or discontinue seeing him until your husband gets back.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Nitati

Okay... a male friend of mine has recently shocked me & my hubby by insinuating that he wants to have sex with me. He's aggressively hinted at this several times recently and I am at a total loss. He was one of my only male friends, has been for nearly 2 years now, and I just don't want that particular relationship to go any further. With him, I honestly started to believe that a man and woman could have a friendship with no other "expectations". Ah, well. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, right? It would simply be a matter of having an adult conversation with him.

The complication comes in the form of his fianceé. She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and I honestly don't think she knows what her hubby-to-be has been saying to me (or to my husband). We don't know what he's been saying (or not saying) to her either. His behavior recently has been a surprise to me & my hubby, and we believe this is all being said & done completely without his wife-to-be's knowledge. And that just doesn't sit right with us. Especially since he has recently been sending emails asking my husband to send him explicit, nude pictures of me (to which my husband has not responded) while sending me emails about wanting to cum inside me (to which I have not responded). Talk about akward.

The worst part is, this is all being done online as we don't live close and my hubby is currently away for a while (military). I know everyone isn't like us, but my hubby & I both have open, unrestricted access to each other's personal email accounts... and the hubby and I have both seen how this friend has been saying one thing to me and yet another to my hubby. So it just further goes to lead us to believe that the wife-to-be is out of the loop. And because we have an open & honest relationship, the guilt over this is just driving me crazy, and making my husband feel uncomfortable with it as well.

If you were me (the Mrs. here): How would you handle this? Would you leave it alone? (<---this is my first instinct... just leave it alone & avoid alllll the possible drama that could ensue, but I also kinda feel like that's a "punk out" so to speak). Would you address it with him only & let him know that there will be no sex? Would you have the hubby address him about it? Would you ask the wife-to-be if she's aware of his suggestions and see what she thinks? Or do you have another suggestion that I haven't thought of yet?

It is possible that this is all being done with her full knowledge, consent, and possibly encouragement... but we highly doubt it. They are both very attractive, so it's not *that*, but she seems very vanilla, which leads us to believe he's trying to "cheat". Yikes! I am so disappointed in him. Or is my mind taking this situation & blowing it all out of proportion?

Best way to deal with this, is, first off, Have your husband when he replies to the request for pictures of you, tell the "friend" that he will only reply IN KIND.. Chances are, it will curtail anything further..

BUT if it doesnt..

Second, Put it straight to him, Does his fiancee know about this? If she does, tell him to have her call you.. and discuss this directly with her.. then comes the complicated part, If she does and gives her consent.. the choices are yours, BUT if she doesnt..

Third and Finally, Seems like a situation that you really if all systems are go, dont want to get involved in for yet one more reason.. there is more of an attraction there than just a sexual one, you said so yourself in the first paragraph.

I really hope this thread has nothing to do with another that was posted in the past few days..

[amid]

Originally Posted by slevin

For me I would talk to him, let him know that you and your husband have absolutely no interest in you having sex with him. That it is not going to happen and the messages that he is sending you both are making you uncomfortable. You should ask him if his fiancee knows that he has been expressing interest in you and if he hasn't I'd tell him that you won't keep it secret from her. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her, but I wouldn't hide it either. If it came up in conversation I'd discuss it and if something slipped out in her presence I wouldn't feel guilty.

I also would stop talking to him or seeing him for a while out of respect to your husband. You've got an open and honest relationship so I know that it of great importance to you; since he is overseas I think it's even more important to make sure that he knows his wishes are totally respected and if he's not comfortable with anything happening then removing all concern about it is the best possible situation.

I find your friends timing to be very disrespectful to your husband, which makes me question how good a friend he really is.

This is well put.. I view this friends advances as crossing a line that a true friend wouldn't/shouldn't do. There is a right way and a wrong way to go about things.. it's a matter of etiquette and this fellow has breached that etiquette. I would seriously have to reconsider a friendship with someone like this.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by amid

This is well put.. I view this friends advances as crossing a line that a true friend wouldn't/shouldn't do. There is a right way and a wrong way to go about things.. it's a matter of etiquette and this fellow has breached that etiquette. I would seriously have to reconsider a friendship with someone like this.

I think we would also

We think he is a player....

Shouldn't he be thinking of his fiancé

Could you ask him point blank about involving her ?

And by the way, your not so different. We couldn't imagine not shareing e-mail passwords. What could we possibly have to hide from each other? Sex with other people .......

[Nitati]

Oh wow... thanks so much for all the replies. I was in a rush this morning when I typed it up, and I see I need to add some things I didn't mention this morning.

My hubby is not over seas yet... but he is in another part of the country on orders from Uncle Sam. This "friend" lives far enough away that we have never met in person. But he has offered to fly out for a visit to "share" me. The request for more explicit pictures was made due to some recent profile updating of pics on our part (though I'm not naked in any of them, they're definitely sexy photos... you know, the usual). There is not "more of an attraction there than just a sexual one"... I'm not sure where that came from? He does know that we are "open" and when we first "met" he was single... but my interest in him has always been platonic in nature. I didn't even think that it wasn't the same on his side of the coin until the hubby brought some things to my attention. And now, the emails. Maybe I'm just naïve?

[Nitati]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

And by the way, your not so different. We couldn't imagine not shareing e-mail passwords. What could we possibly have to hide from each other? Sex with other people .......

LMAO @ your last comment, Fun4Ds!!!! Hiding extramarital sex from your spouse... imagine that!

[BiloxiCouple]

So you have never met this friend yet? Has anyone met him/her? If not, then cut the pixels on the screen and leave his drama alone.