Telling close friends that you're swinging?

[slevin]

We have starting playing with a couple that we are now also starting to build a friendship with. Something that has crossed my mind now that the friendship is building is whether to tell my close friends (two people I am extremely close with, one who is like a brother) what we are doing. I am thinking that if we start having our swinging friends involved in our social circle that eventually it's going to come out, either by some slip of the tongue or by people picking up on the vibe between the four of us. Something is inevitable I am sure. Either I can deal with it when it comes up (if it comes up) or I can tell the people I am close to now and get it over with.

Part of me wants to share it with them because I am not ashamed of what we're doing and I'd really love to be open with them rather than telling white lies (about where we met etc.), but I sure do not want to lose those friendships.

I poked around a little bit and found a few older threads on the subject that made for great reading on the topic: Who knows you swing (poll) and Tell our friends about our swinging, but it just served to jumble my opinion even further lol.

One concern for me is that those friends may not be as discrete as I think they would be. Having it get out to all of our other friends who are not as close wouldn't be something I'm happy with at all. Which leaves me feeling like it would be better to keep this to ourselves and deal with someone finding out if it does happen. Although that is too bad because I'd truly love to be able to share this openly with them like we do the rest of our lives.

Thanks in advance for any insight and advice you may be able to impart

[rpu3]

My latest rule as to whom to disclose our activities to is "will it enhance our live or their life or the relationship if I tell them the full truth?" If the answer is no, then we are going to divulge further.

I have the same thoughts as you - I'm not ashamed and I would rather be honest. At the same time people are strange and I don't want to complicate my life/our life needlessly due to anyone else's lack of discretion.

The good news is you can still, if wanted or needed, introduce your two circles truthfully - as friends. That's the truth. Do your vanilla friends need to know every last detail?

I've disclosed in full to two friends, and my sister. One friend lives 3 hours away, and looked into the lifestyle for herself but declined to go further because her marriage isn't in the world's greatest place. The other friends (a couple we've known for 8 years) are more than cool with it; in fact, I think not disclosing it would have caused problems (long story). My sister, on the other hand, I wish I hadn't disclosed the rest of the truth to, I think. I'm happy the truth is out there, but I'm not enjoying the judgmental questions and commentary at the moment. And if she decided to tell my dad, instead of me telling my dad if I choose, I'm going to kick her ass. And she could do just that if I piss her off somehow (love that sibling relationship - it's so love/hate!)

So, do you think disclosing is going to make your relationship with your vanilla friends better? Or is it just going to make you feel better by being completely honest? I'd think long and hard if as to how it's going to change the relationship, because it will change, for better or worse.

Good luck!

[2inVT]

I wouldn't tell them. Unless you're in the habit of sharing the details of your sex life with them. I know it's all really exciting, but for one thing, your wife may have strong feelings about not telling your friends.

There's no reason this would slip out at a social gathering. If the new swinger friends can't be discreet, then don't include them. Any time we've had a mixed gathering, it's been fine - our swinger friends know enough to be discreet.

As far as lying about how you met, just keep it basic. Met them at a club/the gym/mutual friends/kids event/stamp club/dance, whatever seems most likely. It's funny - the only ones who've ever asked us, "How do you know so-and-so?" are people we only see every 10 years or so. But, we also have some activities that are great reasons to know people - dance classes, etc.

[good times]

We have had our swinger and vanilla friends mix pretty freely and have never had anyone "slip" and tell our vanilla friends.

We have told a few vanilla friends, and I have to say, once you tell one vanilla friend, even if you tell them to keep it confidential, all of your vanilla friends will know it shortly. I think their are a couple of reasons for this. First, vanilla people just don't have the vested interest in discretion that your swinger friends do, so their is no motivation for them to keep it secret. Second, lets face it, if you are a vanilla and find out your friend is a swinger, that dirt is just to good to not tell the rest of your friends. I am sure when they are telling your other friends they will tell them not to tell though.

[sweet_tna]

I have told only my best friend. We discussed our sex lives anyway, as close girlfriends are wont to do. Not only did I hate keeping a secret like that from her, but she knew something was up, and suspected I was having an affair.

The only way I would tell anyone else was if I knew it wouldn't harm our relationship in any way and that I could trust them implicitly to keep our "naughty little secret". We've had parties with a "mixed crowd" (vanilla friends not in the know and swing friends), and not had any problems. Most swingers understand the need for discretion. Explaining how you know them is simple--just mention a common interest (besides swinging, lol) that you share.

=)

[realcplub2]

Getting close to intimate friends is great, including them in your regular life is great.. So long as they know not to share the personal details..

Telling your friends HOW you know them, not so great..

there are some things that really need to be re thought 5 or 6 times before you do something that life changing.. and how wrong it can go, in ways that havent been thought of..

I hate to be crude, BUT, Would you annouce to everyone when the cycle has started? How HEAVY the FLOW is..

These are topics just as sensitive.. And just as much NOT EVERYBODIES business..

[gatorvol64]

Rpu3 has a great rule!

In our situation, it would and wouldn't enhance our lives. Telling family and friends would make my life so much simpler. Dealing with the shit from some of them would take a while. I actually think one of my sisters has figured the four of us out. She doesn't mention it which leads me to think she isn't ready to know "for sure" yet.

What would telling do in your situation?

Vol

[Pepper & Drew]

A friend of mine (a swinger) has a dear old friend that she was extremely close to. After getting into the lifestyle, she began to pull away from her friend because there was so much that she had to censor...about how she met all of these new friends, why they were having a pool party but not inviting her, and why she couldn't go out with them on Saturday nights. Finally, my friend told her friend that they're swingers. The friend was relieved...because she didn't understand why she was being pushed out of her friend's life. Now, she comes out with us sometimes. We don't have to censor what we say, and they are as close as ever.

Now, it could also go the other way...with telling friends being a total disaster. Your mileage may vary.

Yeah, I know...that cleared things right up, huh?

Pepper

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by good times

We have had our swinger and vanilla friends mix pretty freely and have never had anyone "slip" and tell our vanilla friends.

We have told a few vanilla friends, and I have to say, once you tell one vanilla friend, even if you tell them to keep it confidential, all of your vanilla friends will know it shortly. I think their are a couple of reasons for this. First, vanilla people just don't have the vested interest in discretion that your swinger friends do, so their is no motivation for them to keep it secret. Second, lets face it, if you are a vanilla and find out your friend is a swinger, that dirt is just to good to not tell the rest of your friends. I am sure when they are telling your other friends they will tell them not to tell though.

Yeah, we agree. For us, it's on a need to know basis only, and so far the only people who need to know are others in the lifestyle, and no one else! We are VERY discreet and expect the same in return. The couples who trust us have had us over for family/vanilla events, and we do not hesitate to invite them as well.

Honestly, we kinda enjoy having this little secret life!

[slevin]

Originally Posted by rpu3

My latest rule as to whom to disclose our activities to is "will it enhance our live or their life or the relationship if I tell them the full truth?" If the answer is no, then we are going to divulge further.

Thanks so much for the reply, this quote here really gave me a lot to think about and from a totally different tact that how I have been looking at it. I'm not really sure that it would enhance our lives at all by telling our close friends, so until that becomes clear I am thinking that it would be best to not do it. I'd still love to just be able to be honest, but I think that your perspective here is awesome and will be how we look at this subject from now on.

Originally Posted by 2inVT

I wouldn't tell them. Unless you're in the habit of sharing the details of your sex life with them. I know it's all really exciting, but for one thing, your wife may have strong feelings about not telling your friends.

I didn't really make it obvious in my original post, but I absolutely would not make a decision about telling our friends about our swinging without talking it over with my wife and making sure we were both in agreement. Keeping that communication open is very important to me; I love how open and honest that we are continuing to become and want that to continue. She and I have talked a bit about whether to tell people or not and neither of us really had a firm position on it. We had decided to leave it be for now, but fortunately we have this great place to get insight and advice from and I think it has helped sort the subject out.

So thanks for all the replies, great info and I appreciate the personal experiences that were shared!

[JustAskJulie]

If you have ANY doubt as to what their level of discretion would be, I would not tell them.

I have a few friends that know, but they are friends that I knew when I was single and my openness about swinging came from a general openness that we shared (on both sides) regarding sexual things. Looking at our "vanilla" friends, those that already know are the only ones likely to ever know. Then again it also helps if you know things about them that they may not want others to know either.

If you really are not ashamed at all and don't care who finds out, then don't worry about who knows. As far as losing friendships, if you are going to lose them by being open with them, then how good of friends are they really?

[Pierced-n-Proud]

G'day All,
We think it is impossible to tell how it will affect the friendship so it's better not to say anything to those who don't have an appreciation of the lifestyle.

We had some very dear friends, known them almost 10 years, had gone away on holidays with them, seen each others kids grow up and discussed intimate parts of our sex lives together and felt extremely comfortable doing that. They were wondering what the "extra spark" was in our marriage and we were hesitant to tell them. We ate together at least once a week and during one of those meals the female of our friends was looking at some photos in our camera... we'd asked not to go beyond a certain point but she did. It seemed she thought that we were going to wreck our 28 year marriage by "being unfaithful" to each other. The relationship went into immediate melt-down and despite our efforts to revive it things have become cold between us, with just the occasional phone call to see how we are going and visa versa for over 18 months now.

I've seen a wise person's signature saying something like... swinging is like owning a Harley, you can't explain it to those who haven't got one and there is no need to explain it to those who have. The upshot is you never can tell how vanilla friends will take the news, no matter how well you know them. If they are not involved in the lifestyle then it is probably best not to say anything and continue the friendship along it's original lines. After all it is really only your partner who needs to know you that intimately.

[3sumff]

My friends all know we are "swingers." It's no longer a big deal anymore. Well, maybe my friends gf's don't like it so much since we are open about it. I am sure they would rather we keep it to ourselves. Since a lot of my friends will hint about how they wish their gf's would be a little open-minded like my gf. We do it for the shock value and laughs. I guess it is a little immature on our part. It also doesn't help that gf gets along with all the guys and none of the girls. Oh well!
Now, when my family caught wind of it. I was not very happy. My family can be a little brutal when it comes to razzing one another about personal issues and secrets. Never would I want my mother to hear about it. Things have gotten with my family though. We never fessed up to anything. Thank goodness the razzing is over!

[SandJinVT]

We mix our swinger and vanilla friends all the time, but we have NEVER even thought about telling our vanilla friends that we swing. First, I don't see any reason in the world for them to know about our sex life. Second, as someone said previously, it is a guarantee that once a vanilla knows about your swinging, EVERY vanilla they know will know. Gossip is a powerful pull on some people, and that would be about as juicy as gossip could get.

My advice would be to deal with it when, and IF, it ever comes up in a conversation.

[NT69]

We are new to the lifestyle, but we would never tell any of our vanilla friends that we swing.
Our sex life is our own and no-one needs to know exactelly what we are upto.
It's my wife & my little secret.