Swinging individually?

[Daddy68]

Hi,
My wife and I recently were discussing fantasy's and it came out that my wife has been fantasizing about a friend of her's. As the conversation became more honest she admitted that there has been sexual tension between the two of them for some time now, in fact I would guess at least five to six years. Whenever I had brought up my interest in "expanding" our sexual activities, she was adamant that this would not be an option, although when I told her that I might be open to her satisfying her curiosity with this person, she seemed interested in the idea. We still continue to process this idea, but I wonder if this is a positive way to explore this in so far as whether or not I am present when/if the two do actually get together. It seems to me that the experience would need to somehow deepen our relationship, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to not share the experience with her, albeit I may or may not participate. She has always told me that she couldn't imagine sex with another person without an emotional attachment. To my thinking this type of lifestyle could work if it was clear that the basis of creating new relationships is for sexual pleasure, although friendship is welcomed. I'm not sure if started with a friendship of six plus years is such a good idea. I am worried that she will not be able to seperate the two. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Daddy

[good times]

Originally Posted by Daddy68

She has always told me that she couldn't imagine sex with another person without an emotional attachment.

That is your answer right there. If she has to have an emotional attachment to have sex with someone, she is not cut out for swinging.

Beyond that, swinging with non-swinger friends is almost guaranteed to end in grief. Their have been a very few that did it successfully, but most that have tried it had it end in disaster.

[Daddy68]

So in your opinion would it then be a bad idea to give her the go ahead to get this "out of her system" with her friend? Thanks.
Daddy

[screaminggood]

The problem is that some sort of relationship between your wife and this man already exists. I'm not implying she's cheating on you; they just already have a flirtatious friendship in order for her to consider him. Your uncertainty about whether you'd be comfortable with her being with him with or without you indicates that you either aren't ready for it or your intuition is telling you it won't turn out positively.

Trust your intuition! It's telling you "no" so don't go there. If you and your wife decide to try swinging later, my suggestion is that you meet someone at a swing club/online/etc. who "knows the score," instead of going with someone who, even if your wife doesn't have the attachment, may have the attachment to her.

And finally, you must be a great husband to consider something you're not comfortable with to make her happy! Good luck!

[good times]

Originally Posted by Daddy68

So in your opinion would it then be a bad idea to give her the go ahead to get this "out of her system" with her friend? Thanks.
Daddy

I would have to have a lot more information and personal knowledge of all involved to give you a definitive answer. But generally, it is usually a bad idea to do it this way.

[Daddy68]

We have been married for ten years. I have an interest in the lifestyle, which I have shared with her, but she has stated that would never work for her. She has also stated that she can't imagine that kind of sex, that there needs to be a certain level of emotional attachment for it to work for her. Recently we have been trying to be more communicative about sex and we were talking about who we fantasize about. She was hesitant to tell me, but eventually mentioned a friend of ours that she and I have known and worked with off and on for about eight years. This kind of freaked me out at first as my intuition had been on to this and she had assured me that there was no chemistry there, a number of years earlier. As we continued this conversation over the course of a couple days, she became more honest and told me that there were times when they shared a good amount of sexual tension, although she assured me that they had never followed through. I asked her to describe the moments when the tension occured and she really couldn't. I asked her if they had ever spoken to each other about these feelings, and at first she said there had only been comments. When I continued with the questions I asked her to be more specific and she said the comments were like "If only I could be cloned" and "If I wasn't married we probably would have already hooked up." I told here that if I ever decided that I would be cool with it, I would more than likely want to be present either as a participant, or an observer. Initially she wasn't cool with that, today she seemed a little warmer. All in all I think there are quite a few red flags. I'd really like her to have the experience if it will make her happy, but I have to admit that my intuition and the things she has said, make me feel like something may have already happened, god forbid, and if not, the outcome of such a meeting might not be too positive. From what I have read on this site, at the very least there is way too much drama at this point for this to be a healthy thing. I don't think she takes it as seriously as I do in terms of discussing it. The third party at this point has no idea we have even been having this conversation, I've asked her to keep it this way at this point as he is a shared friend, and I don't want him to be any more uncomfortable than he may be at this point, knowing how he feels about my wife, and hopefully still being respectfull of our marriage. Thanks so much for everyones perspective, it is very much appreciated.
Daddy

[bryanlee]

I would definitely not do it myself. I would also talk to your wife in regards to her relationship with your mutual friend. I'm not saying anything wrong is happening, but it sounds like you have some concerns as well. Going along with this is more than likely going to make things worse. You don't want it to turn into a way for her to have sex with him without cheating on you. This is something that you guys should be doing as a couple and if it can't be about both of you in one way or another it's going to be a problem at some point.

Just my .02

Bryan

[fun4Ds]

I think I would have to question one thing. She has emotional attachments ( friendship) at least. The other man in question has stated that if she wasnt married to you, he would have (hooked up). Now suppose that were true. Would she have had a relationship or just sex ? Just something to think about. I mean, how would she feel if this other man dosent want anything more than hooking up (sex). Just a thought. What then ?

[tittietwister]

I suggest that your assumption that your wife's desires fit within the framework of swinging is in error. What you describe is best considered in the framework of open relationships/marriages or polyamory. In that context emotional attachment would fit. It is quite possible to have secondary loves without endangering the primary if both are secure and committed to the other. Suggest you investigate those other “lifestyle” options before nixing the idea.

[ViSexual]

I think it might be better for her to go for it with your knowledge than to risk her doing it without.

And, if you deny her something she, evidently, wants so much it's only going to make her resentful.

Just make her promise that if (supposing she hasn't already) does, that she must tell you and the two of you discuss it afterwards.

[Additude]

Based on your explaination, you are absolutely correct in your judgement.

Persuing this further at this point would not be condusive to your mariatal relationship.

You need to have experience swinging as a couple, sharing as a couple, discussing these fantasies as a couple and going home to bed together after an encounter first.

You make a foundation before you build a building.

If your wife is unable to seperate sexual love from sexual recreation then you will both have a problem if your first time out is your wife alone with her "Friend".

That individuality at this point in the process has enough potential to destroy your marriage.

Like I said, based on your situation, do the sexual together thing first and become comfortable with that as a couple first. Then expand on it.

[Overthetop]

It seems that she just isn't willing to see things in a different way. She may say the things you say she has, but she really isn't ready to do anything. She is locked up in the monogamous type of thinking that says you really have one and only one, then if that doesn't work out, you form an attachment with another and go on.

People will continue to look at the sex between a husband and wife as different than many other things in life that are really quite similar. The "eating out" similarity should be mentioned again. No one tells you (in a marriage) the things you can eat. When you eat those things that your SO doesn't like to eat, you are still welcome in the house, even when you like it better than homes' cooking.

The thing that is worrysome is the idea that you may leave bcause of it?

In sex with other people, that is just one face to your relationship with your SO. So many other things make it nice to come home, and part of that is knowing that you CAN eat someone elses food and still be welcome. We should be mature enough to discuss ourselves and our minds with each other?

So, in your situation, you are trying to allow/encourage your wife to be open and tell you her fantasies, to set a foundation. And by doing this, you hope she will allow your fantasy of being with other girls at the risk of her really liking this other guy? I think this is no way to start out. Regardless of your individual desires, you must trust each other beyond all else that Sex really is like eating out. You must convince each other that you can have sex with another and still love your SO more than anything.

When you get to that level of trust, you may be ready to try.

I know, this is simple thoughts, but we really shouldn't make this too complicated...

OTT

[Daddy68]

Howdy,
I greatly appreciate all the feedback everyone has given. At this point I have let her know that I just am not comfortable with the idea of her sleeping with this man due to their history and all the contradictory statements she has made about her philosophies regarding sex. I think it best to start slow and build a good foundation first. Just the fact that she shared this information and fantasy with me is a huge step for her. I think it best to take it slow. Thanks again.
Daddy