The morning after syndome

[sexandmore]

I do not know how to handle this when my wife and I were married we were swinging seperate both as the extra in the couples life. When we were married we decide to try it ourselves and meet this guy she found actractive. The day of and that night was exciting to both of us but the next morning she had a reaction of how could I let someone have sex with her and be ok with it. We thought maybe it was first time together jitters and we would cool it now 6 months later we have some time to ourselves and go to a strip club in Dallas (the dancers ingnored me and hit on her all night ouch so much for my ego) we hook up with a single guy again and everything was great again till morning. Same thing how could I enjoy haveing someone have sex with her who can help the she gets excited about it but we know what tommorow will bring.
She said she could not stand to watch me haveing another woman but the idea turns her on.

[socolais]

I think those issues would tend to point to someone trying to go faster than their partner. Ya shouldn't go faster than the communication and common interests support. Give her a chance to sit in the driver's seat and explore her adventures.

[sexandmore]

you know I thought of that the deal was we would not go back till she thought she was ready it comes around every couple years since then 10 years now and the responce is always the same excitement not just for me but from her she called the couple to meet and while we never got around to it with them she found the next guy the last time and we had had a good time he spent the night and left early the next morning same thing how could I we have not been active in 5 years but it has come up in a few conversations about it and if she decides to act then i would like a little information to help the next morning?

[LikeMinds321]

Your introduction says:

we are still looking to get back into this lifestyle and found this site throught sls same log in there to we are married for 10 years now and last active in the lifestyle 5 years ago thought we would check it out again

From reading that I gather that you both previously did your swinging separately - as you stated in the OP - and now you're giving swinging together a try but that's not working.

I wonder if it's the switch from never seeing each other playing to now seeing it happen that is causing the problem. Your wife isn't comfortable with the thought of seeing you with a woman and she therefore can't understand how you can enjoy watching her with another man.

Maybe you two are only meant to play separately in order for swinging to feel comfortable.

Until your wife can mentally handle the idea of watching and being watched, I don't think continuing the way you have will end in feeling any better the morning after. If through discussion she realizes what's bothering her about swinging together, she may discover that she has an unrealistic worry or concern. But until then, she's probably not going to get comfy with this new approach to swinging.

LM

[JustAskJulie]

I am curious, as your OP was a bit unclear. When you were swinging seperately was that before or after you got married to each other?

[Chicup]

Ok I'm not a psychologist, I have a real degree (yes this is a *zing* but most psychologists not only can't pour piss out of a boot, but also can't tell you why they pissed in it in the first place but they do blame your mother for it), but I do play one from time to time.

This sort of focuses on her insecurities.

One is that women expect/are taught that men should fight for them sexually. Its the old beating up the other guy to get the girl kind of thing. By saying 'no its ok to have sex with another man' you have hurt her ego a bit. She thinks you don't value her enough as a woman, as a possession. Its all very basic and very primitive but its who we are.

The other issue is she feels guilty. She feels guilty over wanting it, she feels guilty over doing it, and she feels even though YOU said it was ok, she should have been a good woman and said no. She feels guilty over not valuing you enough to forsake other men. Its the old you get married, you now magically forsake all others, and if you even think about other men sexually there is something wrong with you.

Now I can't say I'm in touch with the MFM side of swinging completely. I've been the extra M countless times and my wife has had her share but thats in the context of couples swinging. I wouldn't have been a swinger if the only option open was MFM so I can't say I understand the motivation there. I'm not sure if you only do that or not but I can try to give a solution based on what I've encountered.

You need to talk to her and explain to her why you enjoy it, and that its ok with you because she enjoys it. Not knowing your spouse I can't tell you the right words, but you need to make her feel less guilty over wanting it and less offended by you not being a stereotypical male. Its a tough conversation because you need to let her know you are not threatened by other men, you are not worried about one taking her away, and that the reason isn't that you don't care if she leaves, but because you trust her and are happy when shes really enjoying herself. Then you need to let her know that there is nothing wrong about lusting for other men, and what could be a better way to do so then with you there for it instead of having an office trist like so many women end up doing.

Good luck, and don't rush the conversation.

[SandJinVT]

My first thought was that perhaps you two should try separate rooms. Meaning you aren't watching while she is playing. You two really need to talk about it though. I don't think any responses you'll get here really will address the problem you two have, since it sounds like your wife may be "over-thinking" when the morning-after rolls around. S

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by SandJinVT

My first thought was that perhaps you two should try separate rooms.

I'm not sure how this would help at all. If anything I think it would make it worse.

[sexandmore]

before we lived in seprate states, different couples I would say completely different lifes till we got together later

[sexandmore]

I would have to agree that different rooms would not be a good thing for the situation right now. I believe that the ego thing and guilt are going to be closest to what I had in mind the problem to be. But since what I was saying was not working I thought I would ask thanks all