Who to choose? How to choose?

[Nitati]

So the hubby & I have been discussing swinging and both actively & passively seeking another male or couple to have our first experience with for going on 2 years now. Needless to say, we're sick of talking and ready for action! We've gone to a local on-premise club that we love several times, but have never found anyone there that truly sparked our interest.

Suddenly, within the past week we have been contacted by a couple and a single male that might just work. But of course, there's a catch with both options. The first thing about the couple & single male is that they're all roughly 20 yrs older than we are... we don't think that should be a problem, but since we're completely inexperienced (even after all this time), is the age difference something we should take into consideration? Here's the info on them...

The Couple:
The couple seems genuinely nice, experienced, respectful, and from what we've seen in our 2 years of research they'd be the PERFECT couple to lose our swinging "virginity" to... yet neither of us finds either of them physically attractive! Now they aren't unattractive by any means... they're decent lookin' folks! Just physically they're not exactly what we were seeking, and honestly had no idea they'd be attracted to us! However, personality wise, they are exactly the kind of couple we have been searching for... and we just don't know what to do! The hubby is concerned b/c he doesn't want to "settle"... yet I am torn b/c we're both also firm believers that personality is the most important factor that can make or break the situation.

The Single Male:
He was married, but is currently single & claims to have had & shared mfm fantasies with his wife, but they never took it beyond that. (Please let us know if that's a red-flag issue! We don't have experience with single males!) All our email interaction has been positive. He's been very polite and respectful, and is eager to know what our fantasy-come-true looks like, and what all we'd like to have happen should we choose him for our first MFM encounter. I am definitely attracted to him physically, and wasn't sure I would be since the emails started before we ever exchanged pics. I'm trying to figure out what kinds of specifics I need to give him, questions I need to ask him to see how things progress, so help there would be appreciated as well.


So... who do we choose? How do we choose? If it helps, there are other couples out there we'd probably like to play with eventually, but we've been really picky about our *first* encounter, since we want it to be memorable in a positive light, hopefully the first of many Though I must admit I haven't really come across any other single males that I've been too interested in at all. And we mainly started all this b/c we both have a MFM fantasy lol. Decisions... decisions... HELP!!! LOL

[TNT]

The decision will ultimately be your's.

Don't put the horse before the cart here...Have you met either the couple or the single male? I ask because, e-mails, chats and pictures are great for getting a general feel of the person but, until you meet face-to-face, you will never really know if there is enough attraction (either physical or personality wise) to take things further.

As to the age difference...again, that's up to you. If you have no problems with the age difference then it's really not a factor in your decision.

I will say that even though personality is a big factor in deciding if you want to swing with someone, unless there is something that you're also physically attracted to, it could make for an awkward playtime.


Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

I would meet with them both seperately in a vanilla atmosphere and see who clicks. In the end, if they both click the only real choice is which one to go with first, in that case the one that clicks the best.

Along the lines of what Teresa said, as well, if you are not at all attracted to someone physically in the end it is going to make it a little difficult to have sex with them. That said, two things... don't base lack of physical attraction completely on a picture. Some people just don't take good pictures and second, sometimes when you meet people their personality may be so great that it may overcome in deficit they have in the looks dept.

So get out there and meet them, until you do that, you'll never know!

[LikeMinds321]

I'd look at this as positive...you have two people you are eager to meet!

Rather than focus on whether the couple or single will be your first - or who will make the best first experience - I think you should focus on first finding out if you are interested enough to play. You need to meet both of them before you'll ever know that.

Don't put too much pressure on yourselves to find the "perfect first" experience. You have to start somewhere and even if the first experience isn't ideal, you'll learn a great deal.

Let things happen naturally and set up a date to meet both without concern as to who will end up being your first, neither may be once you meet them.

As has been said, pictures can be misleading and people who don't look the hottest in pictures can charm the pants of you once you meet them! It's amazing how that can happen. It is also not surprising to find the the real looker in the pic doesn't do a thing for you in person.

LM

[arvcpl]

Here are just some random thoughts.

- a single male will be a simpler process since all that needs to take place is for you and him to have an attraction and for your husband to be comfortable enough with the situation to follow through. When you add another female into the mix now you have to have four people with an attraction and comfort level. The more people that are added the complexity increases exponentially and the chances of actually playing to any degree decreases.

- I don't see any unusual red flags with a single male just because he is divorced and had some experiences with his ex. That is quite common actually. Just keep in mind that the vast vast majority of single males on websites are wierdos, losers, wannabes, dreamers, cheaters etc and a huge percentage of them are really just fantasizing and talking big and will promise you the world and tell you what you want to hear and then never show up when you set a date.

- don't underestimate or downplay the importance of physical attraction. The fact that your husband is concerned with "settling" is a big red flag. Usually it's the male half of a couple that is chomping at the bit to get together and make it happen and they have a huge strike zone as far as physical attraction goes. If he is having reservations based on attraction that is a big warning that this may not be the right couple. Do not do something just to be doing it and to "get 'er done." If things aren't right don't do it just because you are getting inpatient for something to happen. You are doing both them and yourself a huge disservice if you go through with it just to get your cherry popped rather than because there is a sincere interest and attraction.

- Honestly I think your best chances are in either sticking with the club or if it is a small club with a small clientele then maybe looking for another club. If there is a club that allows single males then finding an mfm opportunity would be like finding sand at the beach.

[Nitati]

Thanks so much for the replies so far! Everything each of you said has made absolute sense... but that's also where so much frustration comes from. We've been to our local club several times throughout the past couple years and have seriously never found a couple we're actually attracted to. The people who frequent the club are amazing... and while they are attractive, none of them have really piqued our sexual interest. Neither of us is going to "take one for the team" but seriously, I am beginning to think perhaps we're being too particular about what we're looking for?

That feels strange to say though because there are plenty of physically attractive couples locally, but they're just not what we're sexually attracted to... In fact, at our local club I've seen one man that I actually wanted sexually, and the hubby & I were both mutually attracted to one female, but that's it.. two people in nearly two years! And in both cases, they were *VERY* occupied and not in a position to really have an actual conversation with us at the time lol (which we totally didn't mind, of course... just watching in appreciation has proven to be tons of fun). But I guess my patience is wearing a bit thin because we want to be one of the couples actually playing too, so hence the trying to jump the gun...

You are all right about the physical attraction thing though, I just hadn't thought about it in perspective: through the club we've met many interesting, genuine people... but the sex just hasn't happened b/c there hasn't really been a "spark". Maybe we should just talk to some of the people we've already met a bit more? I don't know. I think now I'm at even more of a loss than before LOL. But yes, maybe we need to keep trying at our local club, or venture to a different club a little farther away and see what they have to offer. In the mean time, I'll try not to start pulling out my hair LOL!!!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Nitati

In fact, at our local club I've seen one man that I actually wanted sexually, and the hubby & I were both mutually attracted to one female, but that's it.. two people in nearly two years! And in both cases, they were *VERY* occupied and not in a position to really have an actual conversation with us at the time lol...

If we spot people we'd like to know but they are VERY occupied the whole night, we ask the hosts of the club or some of our regular friends who the people are. We try to find out their profile name, this way we can then look them up and write to them letting them know we're interested in getting to know them. You might give that a try.

LM

[fun4Ds]

This is sex wright ! Who is holding who back here ?

You both said you found THE ONES and also found a reason not to.

Just our experience. The first couple we played with were not the one and only almighty sparks of life. I'm not cutting them down by any means, they were compatible. We liked them. We felt comfortable and safe. We played and never will we forget any moment of that evening. The sparks that flew were between Mrs Fun and I. We were very happy with our choice. Honestly, I don't think we were the one and only for them either.... We all still had a great time. We wanted to see how we felt after having sex with different people. They gave us the opportunity to feel that. We will never forget them for that night. The truth is who we thought were going to be the best of our choice, weren't.

Are you sure you not missing the ones you should be with, waiting on the impossible one ? Take your time by all means, as anyone should. But if your both ready to experience something like this together..... compatibility and convenience also play a big part. Then when you know and feel comfortable doing this... let the sparks fly when it may.... and it will.

As far as who to chose ? We did both... We went with a couple first then a single male. It worked for us. That was how convience played into it for us

[sweet_tna]

Ultimately, the decision is yours. But since you asked, here's what I/we'd do. We'd set up dates at vanilla locations to meet both the couple and the single male (not at the same time, of course). See what happens. You may find that the pics didn't do the couple justice, and the sparks just FLY. You may find that this hot SM isn't as great as his pics, or is a no-show. Either way, you won't know for sure until you meet them in person.

Many will tell you the dynamics of meeting a SM are simpler, since really only two of you need to "click", and your Dh just needs to feel comfortable with the guy. While I can see the logic in that, Mr. Sweet and I tend to prefer couples. But that's just us.

Good luck in your quest, and please keep us posted on what happens.

=)

[Alura]

It took us two years to find our first playcouple. We had a good time (especially Mrs. Alura) and have never been sorry we did it. Unfortunately, the other wife had some jealousy issues and the resultant drama assured the friendship wouldn't continue.

Not only was the sex fun, it gave us some experience that assured us we'd have no issues between the two of us if we continued. As an experienced couple it took us only a couple of weeks to find our next playcouple. A good friendship developed and we played with them for several years.

Perhaps y'all are over thinking the situation by trying to find the perfect couple to begin with. You'll never know if they're perfect until y'all've had sex with them. Even if it turns out to be a less-than-perfect evening, it's not likely to be something you can't leave behind.

We can't offer advice on single males. They're not our cup of tea. We prefer to take turns with our usual playcouple having MFMs... FMFs, etc. There are so many more and so much better possibilities, in my opinion.

Mr. Alura

[bendmeovernow]

well i'd say the cpl would be better for the reasons that you like there personalities and such like that. you can't always tell what a person will look like really online and heck... i meet a single guy this last week that i though wasn't all that great, hot looking guy and when he walked into the house party i was floored at how attractive i found him. so don't judge by just pics. age .... hell i love my older playmates, i'm 29 and i have a guy or two that's almost or 20 yrs older and i love the playtime with them.. so don't go by age. the single guy.... you don't know and can't always tell if they are single or cheating on a spouse. i try my best to find out if they are doing just that and won't see them. it's just a desaster waiting to happen... so i'd stay away from that as well. singles are fun if you can trust they are single. so my vote is to meet the cpl for dinner and see if it turns into a night cap and playtime... make sure they know it can be just dinner or that if your comfortable with them it can be more. any good swinging cpl understands that and will respect that. if nothing else you might have new friends not to play with but more friends is always good.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

This is sex wright ! Who is holding who back here ?

You both said you found THE ONES and also found a reason not to.

Just our experience. The first couple we played with were not the one and only almighty sparks of life. I'm not cutting them down by any means, they were compatible. We liked them. We felt comfortable and safe. We played and never will we forget any moment of that evening. The sparks that flew were between Mrs Fun and I. We were very happy with our choice. Honestly, I don't think we were the one and only for them either.... We all still had a great time. We wanted to see how we felt after having sex with different people. They gave us the opportunity to feel that. We will never forget them for that night. The truth is who we thought were going to be the best of our choice, weren't.

Are you sure you not missing the ones you should be with, waiting on the impossible one ? Take your time by all means, as anyone should. But if your both ready to experience something like this together..... compatibility and convenience also play a big part. Then when you know and feel comfortable doing this... let the sparks fly when it may.... and it will.

As far as who to chose ? We did both... We went with a couple first then a single male. It worked for us. That was how convience played into it for us

Take a good look at the above post and really let it sink in. I think there is some great merit and wisdom here.

If you have spent two years going to clubs and actively seeking playmates on websites and have been coming up empty handed the issue is probably more with your requirements or with your relationship or your level of readiness to take this step in your marriage.

The real issue in all of this is are you and your marriage ready for this and not who is the perfect couple/single. I have some news for you, you are NEVER going to find a "perfect" couple but you may have countless "compatable" people right under your nose but you don't see them because you are looking for perfection.

Don't get me wrong I am not recommending that you "settle" and I agree with an above post that said you aren't doing anyone any favors if you do it just to do it. However the real key here is what the swinging experience does to add to your own primary relationship and it is not about hand picking the most perfect couple out of the basket the first time out.

Truth be known, you really don't even know what traits and characteristics are right for you at this point. That comes with experience and at this point you don't have any experience because you have spent two years looking for rock stars.

My question to you is, is it really this important to you that you find exactly what it is that is etched into your heads of what someone "should be"? or is this two year quest because you don't feel that you or your relationship is actually ready for this step and you are using this quest for perfection as an excuse to keep putting it off?

It seems to me that you have a very specific scenario and idea of these perfect people should look like and be like in your heads and people don't come "made to order". People are what they are and either they have a basic compatability or they don't.

[cataryna]

Could it be possible that you haven't met that "perfect" couple because you're not ready to go that far? Are you using it as a stall tactic? Just a thought here, but for whatever reason, subconsciously you may not be ready and that could maybe why you haven't found THE couple. Maybe you should reanalyze what it is you hope to get out of this. Are you looking for a "porn" experience or are you looking for enlightenment, so to say, in your own relationship? If you're looking for a "porn" experience, then yeah I'd say 9 times out of 10 you're going to end up leaving without it. I am in no way saying you should "settle" but remember, there is no such thing as "perfect". There is only "perfect for that moment in time".

As for the couple that you don't necessarily find fully attractive; remember that meeting with them is not a guarantee of sex. Meet with them, see what clicks and what doesn't click. You may find that they are more attractive physically in person than they are in pictures. You also may find that they are less attractive personality wise. But you will never quite know until you meet them in person. My honey recently told me something that really struck home as far as physical looks go. He said "beauty grows on you." When I asked him what he meant he pointed out an adult film star that at first he did not find attractive at all, then many months later he realized that she was in fact very attractive. This outlook has kind of held true for our pursuit of other people. We have met and known a lot of people in this lifestyle over the years, some we would not have played with at first sight, but as time went by and we've developed friendships with them, they have become more attractive to us and we have ended up having some great experiences with them.

My point is, good personalities and great relationships/friendships can create physical attraction just as much as bad personalities can dissuade physical attraction.

[Pepper & Drew]

=iapr;333998]
If you have spent two years going to clubs and actively seeking playmates on websites and have been coming up empty handed the issue is probably more with your requirements or with your relationship or your level of readiness to take this step in your marriage.

Don't get me wrong I am not recommending that you "settle" and I agree with an above post that said you aren't doing anyone any favors if you do it just to do it. However the real key here is what the swinging experience does to add to your own primary relationship and it is not about hand picking the most perfect couple out of the basket the first time out.


My question to you is, is it really this important to you that you find exactly what it is that is etched into your heads of what someone "should be"? or is this two year quest because you don't feel that you or your relationship is actually ready for this step and you are using this quest for perfection as an excuse to keep putting it off?

I completely agree. You are not looking for a marriage partner, you're looking for people to swing with. And while you're trying to lose your "swing virginity" it's not like losing your virginity.

I think it's important to consider options and go into swinging with a lot of thought, but really, after 2 years, I suspect you all are overthinking this. Invite the couple and the single guy to the club you attend. Make it clear it's a meeting...not a sure thing. Meet them both. Then decide to go further with one, or the other, or neither.

Everyone has to decide what is going to constitute a good time for them, but in my experience, I've had a great time with people that I may not have originally chosen as a playmate. Open your mind to the possibilities.

Now, if the two of you aren't really ready and this has been a stall tactic, disregard all the advice in the paragraphs above.

Pepper

[Nitati]

Oh wow... I didn't expect so many detailed responses. Thanks again!

Alright. I guess now's as good a time as any for some background info on us & our relationship. We've been married for 7 yrs, together for 12... but we're 26 & 27yrs old (so yes, we're high school sweethearts). If it were just about looks or quick sex for us, the whole thing could've happened a long time ago. There's nothing wrong with either of those... but it's not quite what we want, we just honestly haven't really found *it* yet (not-so-casual, casual sex). We *aren't* looking for a porn re-enactment. We *are* looking for new meaningful, passionate experiences to share with each other. But it's good to know that another couple went through a 2 year period before finally having their first experience too It's not something we need, as we always have dynamite sex on our own! Just something different we'd like to try out (in years past, we've had sex w/ other people... but we were constantly hundreds/thousands of miles apart for extended periods of time back then and weren't ever able to experience it "together").

While we realize we can't always control it, we'd just really prefer to not have a "bad" first experience with this. I didn't think that was such a bad thing to want? We've worked very hard over the years to have and maintain a committed, open, honest relationship with each other... there are no secrets here. We have kids now too, so we've had tons of scheduling conflicts resulting in things just not working out period (it seems that many people don't have to worry about sitters for the kiddos, but we have to make plans weeks in advance). I know for a fact that the reality almost never lives up to the fantasy, but does that mean it shouldn't even come close? That's the main reason I started this thread... we're really struggling with putting the time/effort into planning two separate evenings out with the couple & single male when we know we only get out one weekend a month LOL. It seems like lots of swingers want to set things up for that night, or that weekend... sometimes we have to set a date that's a month away, and prefer to meet at the on-premise club we go to... yet understandably that's just not cool with some people. So...

What other words of wisdom do you guys have for us? I'm the type that likes to talk it out and hear differing views/opinions before drawing my own conclusions & making a final decision. So please know that everyone's opinion/view is greatly appreciated!