Boundaries?

[Additude]

Why are you doing this to yourself?

You've obviously made a decision to stay in this relationship and respond to this banter.

I do not think your question should be about who is right or who is wrong about private emails and phone calls, but rather it should be "How much longer are you going to participate in this shirade"?

[sirspeach]

Originally Posted by slevin

It can be a lot of fun to chat one on one and I do that with both the other guy and the other girl. It isn't for everyone, but it works for us because of that open and honest communication.

I agree Slevin, one on one chatting or flirting is fine with me. Meaning at a club - two of us sitting together, at one of our homes, two of us in discussion etc. It was only when it was taken privately - emails to him at work and phone calls made during lunch hour. To me, that was going over my boundaries of what I'm comfortable with. I think everyone has limits or ideas of what they can or will accept and I feel it should be respected.

[sirspeach]

Originally Posted by good times

I agree with the others for the most part, from what you have said it sounds to me like you are not compatible with this couple and it is time to move on.

That being said, I can also see, just from the impression I get from your post, that maybe, despite your previous swinging experience, you just aren't ready for swinging right now. The reason I say this, is that the undercurrent of everything you said here, no emails unless cced to all, no kissing, no phone calls, all lead me to believe that you have trust issues of your own. I have to admit, if we met you and got the same impression of you as I have from reading your post, we would view you as drama waiting to happen, and avoid you like you had the plague.

I hope you are not offended by this, keep in mind this is only my opinion based on what you posted above. Without knowing you and having all sides of the story, their is no way for me to really know what happened. But by the way your post struck me, it seems possible to me that you may not be blameless in this situation. Normally, I wouldn't have said anything, but it strikes me that if you continue to pursue play partners without a bit of self analysis first, assuming my first impression here is correct, that you may find yourself repeating this scenario again in the future.

Thanks Good Times, no offense taken. We have moved on physically however, trashing emails are continuing to be sent to me/us. I'm not sure I really have trust issues as much as my intuition told me things weren't right to begin with. Was it a self fullfilled prophecy then? Who knows. It started as being relayed to me the interest in a f/f relationship and soft swing. I'm 100% ok with that. But it didn't go that way. It turned into the other woman having more interest in my partner physically and thus, the private interractions. Her husband then tells me she is not bi nor wants to be. Fine - but hey wait, isn't this why we got into this?? LOL

In any event, it has helped me hear others opinions. Thanks.

[sirspeach]

Originally Posted by MIbbwcpl

Simply put, it sounds to me like the other b...ahem lady is crazy and looking for drama. Or, in other words, she's highly insecure. "

I tend to agree with you MIbbwcpl - emails won't stop from them with the bashing, insulting content. They have now gone as far as telling us she was pregnant with his child.

[sirspeach]

Originally Posted by twohots4u2

The objective in swinging is for everyone to have fun. If that is not accomplished, or if just one of the group is uncomfortable, then it is time to move on. The key here is that the relationship between you and your husband HAS to come first, before friends, swinging or not. Your husband needs to understand that and support you 100%. Anything less is not acceptable. That is just the facts of life.

So, let him read this and the other postings on your question, and hope that he gets the message. Best of luck.

Thanks Twohots. We had fun with a previous person several times so I know it's not beyond our reach <g> He, my fiance, and I have discussed this whole situation many times and continue to do so....and yes, I forward him responses! He has seen, accepted and admitted where he did wrong - he was put in the middle and he stayed there too long without thinking of what it was doing or would do to me. That's a good thing - being able to accept and acknowledge allows us to learn. Thanks!

[sirspeach]

Originally Posted by SnowwwWhite

Regardless of whose fault it is, get out of this situation ASAP. The other woman clearly has no respect for you and your finacee's relationship. Bad news.

Think about it. Would a mature, decent person do something that you have repeatedly told her makes you uncomfortable? Would an honest person continue to call and email your fiancee without your blessing? Would she try to get your fiancee to take sides against you? This woman HAS to know that her behavior is causing trouble but she seems to only care about what's convenient and desirable to herself, your relationship be damned.

The other possibility you need to think about is that maybe your fiancee is encouraging this behavior and is seeking the attention? Why else would it be allowed to continue? You need to figure out if this is the case, because his priority should be with YOU and no one else. If you are not his priority and he isn't looking out for you and the relationship, there is something very wrong. You should not be blamed for "ruining everyone's fun." Your fiancee should be on your side, but it sounds like he was playing on their team... and was a part of whatever it was they were cooking up.

It's obvious the other couple is not ready for the lifestyle and this type of drama will most certainly follow them wherever they play. It also doesn't appear that you and your fiancee are anywhere near ready to swing, either. Maybe you want to physically, but your relationship and bond need some work.

Get this other couple out of your life permanently and then spend some quality time focusing on your own relationship and figuring out if your fiancee is committed to it. Give things time to heal, out of the lifestyle. He is contributing to your insecurity by not keeping a reign on things. Don't reward his behavior with a free ticket to swinging. You obviously need a more secure partnership before you'll feel comfortable in the lifestyle.

Good luck

Snow White - wow, wonderful reply and appreciated : )

We've come to many realizations. First, he and I both try to hard to appease others - keep the peace and go with the flow. I did so by allowing it to go on as far as I did even with my uncomfortable feelings, thus putting on restrictions/limits. He did so by corresponding with the other female to keep the flow with her. We each had uneasy feelings many times and discussed them when we did, but neither of us put our foot down to call it an end. Why? Probably because neither of us wanted to be responsible for breaking this off and possibly hurting the m/m friendship that was there before anything else. Very immature thinking on our part.

We are no longer talking with them. However their emails continue to us. I have them blocked actually. But he has a working relationship with the other male and cannot block him. I'm sorry - but I think these are truly sick people. They are pushing my fiance with advice about me. Premarital agreements and the such. They are telling him that I will limit him sexually in his world of discovery. They have told him she was pregnant with his child. Basically, it appears they are trying to wedge between us pulling him to them and pushing me out of his life! At this point we are ignoring it all and trying to go on with our life - but we don't need these annoyances!

[sirspeach]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

good times has made some very good points.

Too many rules and you run into trouble in swinging. You've got many rules and I think they're getting in your way. Maybe it's because there are trust issues with your partner.

LM

Possibly so. Is it not normal to set limits in swinging? We were not into the "anything goes" mode so I did not think it was wrong. From my own experiences, I've met many couples who are different. Some have no limits, some have some limits and some have many limits! Point being - if a person has limits it should be respected or if you choose not to - then don't go there with them.

[sirspeach]

Originally Posted by Additude

Why are you doing this to yourself?

You've obviously made a decision to stay in this relationship and respond to this banter.

I do not think your question should be about who is right or who is wrong about private emails and phone calls, but rather it should be "How much longer are you going to participate in this shirade"?

No, actually we are trying to put it behind us and take it as a lesson learned and move forward. In order to learn, I like opinions from others so that my side isn't shaded only by my own thinking.

[Additude]

Good to hear.

I always appreciate a positive outcome. I'm glad you are both working together to build a relationship.

Based on your initial comments, I believe you were both headed down separate paths and you were being guided by hope.

Good Luck!