Ok, I'm that dreaded one...

[funcpl4life]

A sex-starved marriage can be very very very difficult. The person with low/no sex drive feels that they can completely regulate the amount of sex in the marriage and it's not fair and it's not what either one of you signed up for/agreed to.

I just don't think the swingers board is the best place to look for help in your situation. The divorcebusting boards or sex-starved marriage boards or no-more-mr-nice-guy boards will offer a much more positive outlook on your situation and how you can resolve things in a more positive direction.

I think that completely withholding sex or driving the other person insane with pre-conditions and charlie-brown-football-pull foreplay is just as much a lack of fidelity to the marriage as cheating. It can be resolved, but it ain't easy. *good luck*
Mr. FC4L

[sexcupid]

funcpl4life...what you are describing is something totally different (I think) that the OP's situation, which was brought on by his wife's battle with cancer that totally killed her sex drive.

OP...some questions and thoughts. Does your current wife know about your previous lifestyle experience? How long have you been married to her? How recent was the illness and is she still in treatment? What kind of cancer was it? If she is in remission, how long has it been since treatment ended? I didn't see your age(s) stated any where either.

Even if she doesn't know about your prior experience, she probably feels horrible in not being able to meet your basic sexual needs. If she is aware of your prior activites, she may have already felt inadequate (ie: she can't measure up).

The rest of my response might seem a little ugly...so I apologize in advance since I don't have all the information. (Altho I did see in your Intro that it's been 3 years?)

If she is still in treatment, stop worrying about your lack of sex life and focus on getting her through the chemo/radiation/whatever treatment she is in. If the roles were reversed, how would you like to find out that she had been stepping out on you? Women, particuarly in the role of caretaker, usually make alot of sacrifices...and while she probably wouldn't be happy with going without for a few years, she may not seriously contemplate stepping out on you either.

If it was variety and spice you were wanting, even before her illness, you should have mentioned it. In another post you mentioned being a clothing optional resort in Jamaica recently, was she on that trip with you? If she wasn't, did she know where you were?

Honestly, you need to sit down and talk with her. Or go to a counselor. Her doctors can probably recommend one with experience with your situation. Have her talk to her doctors about the lack of interest. Not knowing what kind of cancer she had, but if it was uterine/ovarian cancer and they did a hysterectomy...all of her hormone production is gone. Is she on HRT?

If you haven't talked to her about this, she may not know how much of a problem you have with the lack of sex.

Unless you wrote you own...most vows say something about for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Most people say them and hope they never have to deal with the 'worse' or 'sickness'. Do you not think that she would be very hurt when she finds out about you stepping out on her? I mean, there's also that bit in there about forsaking all others. She might just view your activities as kicking her when she's down. As my sweetie would probably put it, throw it all away for the chance to get your dick wet. Masturbation does get old after a while...but it all keeps coming back to one thing for me...talk to your wife!

As for where you or can you fit back into the lifestyle. We wouldn't touch a known cheater with a 10 foot pole (altho we woud appreciate your honesty). But we also aren't looking to play with single males. However, there are others that take the attitude of 'it's not our fault he's stepping out, game on!' It's hard enough for single males in the lifestyle, you would probably have better luck picking up a woman in a vanilla setting.

/soapbox lol

I say good luck and because I didn't get it on the other post: Welcome to the Swingersboard!

[bibbwtoronto]

Sexcupid, AWESOME reply. Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking but not able to put into words!

[Alura]

Let me get this straight... Your wife has cancer and you're thinking about your own sexual satisfaction??? When my wife became a breast cancer victim, the only thing I could think of was that my sons and I might lose her.

In addition to her health problems you're thinking of cheating on her?

Did anyone ever talk to you about your priorities?

Mr. Alura

[neilgayle]

My first wife was also stricken with cancer (ovarian) and it was a very long and slow process. During that time (4 years) sex became virtually non-existant. I also had needs/desires that I wanted to take care of. Would I participate in this lifestyle to do so - no. Check your local newsparer, pay a few bucks, have a good time for an hour or so, leave and return to your real life. You will get the release you are looking for, will not screw up someone elses marriage and it is business. Will there still be guilt feelings, yes but at least they are only your own. You need to be there with your wife providing support and care. My wife passed away a few years ago, I met a wonderful lady who introduced me to the lifestyle and we are enjoying it "together". That's what it is all about - not merely cheap sex.

My thoughts

[a_and_a]

I have to agree with every1. It's either both on board or it's a no go with us. We would NEVER think of a single male, or woman for that matter, regardless as to what they say their situation is.

If you want to have an afair with some1 go to a bar. I highly doubt that you will find it easily here. My wife and I love each other tremendously and wouldn't want to be the cause of anybodies relationship going south because of a lieing spouse.

A swinging relationship enhances our love for each other. Yes we are fairly new to this but I/WE never would have done this without the consent of the other. Once you loose a loved ones trust then it's all over. There will always be doubt in the back of ones mind that comes back to haunt you at just at the right time. A person will NEVER, imo, completely gain the trust back. Why risk it. Talk to her. Work it out.

Just my $.02

[iapr]

Originally Posted by neilgayle

My first wife was also stricken with cancer (ovarian) and it was a very long and slow process. During that time (4 years) sex became virtually non-existant. I also had needs/desires that I wanted to take care of. Would I participate in this lifestyle to do so - no. Check your local newsparer, pay a few bucks, have a good time for an hour or so, leave and return to your real life. You will get the release you are looking for, will not screw up someone elses marriage and it is business. Will there still be guilt feelings, yes but at least they are only your own. You need to be there with your wife providing support and care. My wife passed away a few years ago, I met a wonderful lady who introduced me to the lifestyle and we are enjoying it "together". That's what it is all about - not merely cheap sex.

My thoughts

I kind of agree with this. if you absolutely HAVE to get some action at least do it in a manner that takes as little time and energy away from your responsibilites as possible. For single cheating male in the lifestyle to get anywhere you would have to invest quite a bit of time and energy into it and I think that is a lot of what people have the problem with. Noone really cares where you stick your dick but it is the thought of leaving your sick wife at home while you are out investing time and energy into finding someone to stick your dick into that causes a lot of the disgust. If you must get the tank drained just swing by some redlight district on your way home from work, pull up along side some ho, hand her the money out the window and let her blow ya and then get home and take care of your sick wife while she is still here.

[LFM2]

Wow... ya know, I actually was going to reply to this thread yesterday. I had my reply written out and was ready to post. I deleted it because -- well, I'm not sure. I thought I was too hard on you but really, your initial post comes off as so selfish and egocentric.

Alura said what I wanted in much less space.

It amazes me that you could think of YOU while you're wife is fighting her own demons.

If the tables were turned and my husband came down with cancer, you can damn well bet that I wouldn't be thinking where I could get laid next.

I'd be too worried whether I got to spend another Christmas with him, or if he would be around to see his grandkids grow up or walk his daughter down the aisle.

You, dear husband, need to reevaluate your priorities and do us all a favor and think of someone besides yourself.

[imsherona2]

Originally Posted by LFM2

Wow... ya know, I actually was going to reply to this thread yesterday. I had my reply written out and was ready to post. I deleted it because -- well, I'm not sure. I thought I was too hard on you but really, your initial post comes off as so selfish and egocentric.

Alura said what I wanted in much less space.

It amazes me that you could think of YOU while you're wife is fighting her own demons.

If the tables were turned and my husband came down with cancer, you can damn well bet that I wouldn't be thinking where I could get laid next.

I'd be too worried whether I got to spend another Christmas with him, or if he would be around to see his grandkids grow up or walk his daughter down the aisle.

You, dear husband, need to reevaluate your priorities and do us all a favor and think of someone besides yourself.

I knew if I waited awhile, someone would put into words what I didn't or couldn't, so thank you for saying what I did not. I concur 100%!!

[Cpl2share]

Yep, I agree with the rest of yall. Unless you have been in a major agricultural accident, you already have a way to get the sex that you "need". It is called your hand! Mrs. Couple had some pretty severe female problems which "put her out of commission" for almost a full year. We had already been in the lifestyle when these problems came along, so the change from playing to wacking off (as my exclusive sexual release) was somewhat difficult for me. There were several occasions that I could have had my "needs" satisfied by other women, I would not disrespect my wife that way! Now after all of the medical issues have been "cured" there are additional issues to deal with. After a year of very severe pain and then surgery, I completely understand the dislike of anything touching her there. It will take a long time for the desire to play with that part of the body comes back. If it ever does. But, there is something that will not be lost: She is my wife, and I would not even consider cheating on her. She would have to spend a lot of time convincing me to "take a girlfriend" before I would even do it WITH her permission. I did not marry her for sex, I married her for love. Sex is great, but the love is what I could never live without, I am not about to risk losing that for a piece of ass!

[Everlearning]

I know I don't post much on this board, but I have to say something here. First, I agree with all the replies, they are saying the same basic thing, just in different words. I have a hard time believing anyone would send the original post and be serious. Who could believe they would get any support for that from this board. The other questions I have are, if you were in the lifestyle before, and now you are remarried but you say she never did have any desire, why did you not know that was a problem before you married her? Second, going back to you having been in the lifestyle before, YOU of all people should know the first thing to do is TALK to her about what you are feeling. I can assure you, if either one of us couldn't provide sexually, due to illness, for the other, we would be talking about it and finding a solution that worked for BOTH of us.

[Alura]

When Mrs. Alura was at her worst from breast cancer and congestive heart failure (caused by the chemotherapy), she was unable to rise up to sit in bed. I (or one of our sons) had to lift her so she could sit on the side of the bed. Then we had to lift her out of bed and place her on the bedside potty. Afterward, we had to lift her and put her back in bed. We hand-fed her.

The doctors had said (on February 28, 2006) that there was nothing else they could do and that she had three days to three weeks to live. Fortunately, they didn't know her very well. She's not fully recovered and probably never will be but she leads an active life and is happy, for which I'm most grateful!

I must say that during those dark days sex seldom crossed my mind, although the people on the Swingers Board proved their mettle and offered true friendship to help me through.

If she had said, "Go out and get laid, Sweetheart," I'd never have considered leaving her side and risking the chance that she might be gone when I returned. Often, I'd wake at night and carefully watch the covers of her hospital bed to see if she was still breathing.

Cheat on her when her life was at risk? Not a chance!

Please, Ladies, NEVER miss a mammogram. Mrs. Alura was "too busy" and went two years between them.

Mr. Alura

[screaminggood]

MatureLadyLover,

Are you feeling attacked? I'm going to make a guess and you can tell me if I'm correct: the cancer that ruined the sex life has been in remission for quite a while but the sex hasn't rebounded? My guess would be that you're completely frustrated because you have stood by your wife....and now, life just hasn't gotten back to normal. How am I doing here?

[audiguyvdubgirl]

First of all, they guy is asking for feedback. He didn't do anything as far as I could tell in his post. Yet, some of you are vilifying the guy for just posing the question. It's a tough situation to be in for sure, and he's looking for a viable solution, not looking for you all to crucify him or treat him like a leper.

I see some of the women write their scathing remarks to this guy, not really understanding his situation. His wife is going through something that probably a good portion of us have witnessed in our own families, but the fact of the matter is, someone is not getting that physical contact that is so desperately needed in a relationship. Whether intentional or unintentional, the lack of sexual interaction can be detrimental to anyone's psyche. What is he supposed to do if he talks to her about his needs and she says no, which would be understandable given her circumstances? Is he supposed to jack of for the rest of his life? Jacking off may be a short term solution, but even that gets old. Is he supposed to just turn off that libido as if it is a light switch? It's easy to cast stones when they're not being thrown back at you. Easy up on the guy.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by audiguyvdubgirl

First of all, they guy is asking for feedback. He didn't do anything as far as I could tell in his post. Yet, some of you are vilifying the guy for just posing the question. It's a tough situation to be in for sure, and he's looking for a viable solution, not looking for you all to crucify him or treat him like a leper.

I see some of the women write their scathing remarks to this guy, not really understanding his situation. His wife is going through something that probably a good portion of us have witnessed in our own families, but the fact of the matter is, someone is not getting that physical contact that is so desperately needed in a relationship. Whether intentional or unintentional, the lack of sexual interaction can be detrimental to anyone's psyche. What is he supposed to do if he talks to her about his needs and she says no, which would be understandable given her circumstances? Is he supposed to jack of for the rest of his life? Jacking off may be a short term solution, but even that gets old. Is he supposed to just turn off that libido as if it is a light switch? It's easy to cast stones when they're not being thrown back at you. Easy up on the guy.

I see your point. I couldn't reply to this situation. I thought when matureladylover said "o.k., I'm that dreaded one" I didn't see it as the dreaded one we have all heard from before. I saw him as the person I could not imagine being someday. I can't put myself in that position without a tear. Thats what I felt.

I think maybe matureladylovers' first impressions were misunderstood. I wanted to just repeat Julies question, " Why cant you talk to your wife and maybe get permission " At least talk to your wife. Then I felt the question was overlooked because the answer was..It's out of the question.

His response was a reminiscence of the good times long ago perhaps. I could see me having those thoughts over a prostitute first...I had to think a moment about when we were younger we were exposed to the lifestyle without even knowing that sex could be without issues. I see no problem if he wanted to just take a moment and talk with us in good company, as swingers. Maybe just reminiscing.. I don't know how to deal with this personally but I hope matureladylover comes back and adds more so we could for one, get to know him better. If anyone is wrong about him and his situation. We're not without compassion here. I have lost friends and family. I met a woman once whose husband was dieing of cancer, she wanted sex. No I didn't ! I just couldn't understand. But I saw her cry real tears not knowing what to reach for. Something she was loosing, or something new to hold on too. I just listened..... I don't know whats right or wrong.... I can say now I would be without sex and passion till the end. I honestly don't know...