Signals-That you're not Ok

[ownerspet]

Recently something happenned that was somewhat minor, that motivated this post. I met this couple the Mrs. has known for years, and we were in a large group setting / atmosphere with other lifestyle couples around. The male half of this couple was very forward, and it seemed like at the time his body language and mannerisms were just from someone that was screwing with my head. It wasn't the fact that he was kissing my wife or feeling her up. I don't know what it was that made me pick up on the fact that he was screwing with my head, and at the time I didn't really know how to point this out without looking like an ass. So I ignored it, and after-all it was just kissing and feeling her up. At this point, I knew it wasn't going beyond that, so don't worry about it was my attitude.

Then, something happenned to alleviate the pressure that probably wouldn't happen in any similar situations. He looked at me right in front of my wife, and told me that he was just kissing my wife and feeling her up to f--- with me.

So my instinct was definitly right. While it wasn't going to a more involved play situation, I'm sure this is just one of many uncomfortable situations that you or other lifestyle couples end up in. So my question for couples is:

"What type of things do you do or say to let your significant other know there is something wrong in any uncomfortable situation in a group setting, without making a scene or an ass of yourself, and to not ruin the mood for everyone else in the group? Do you use hand signals? (I know that sounds cheesy)" In a couple on couple situation, where it's not a large group it may really not matter, but I don't think anyone wants to look like they're at the center of drama by causing a scene (especially if you may be interested in others in the group). So I do realize getting out of uncomfortable situations can be a balancing act.

[ncmd_couple]

Wow, we haven't been in a situation like that, but it surely makes me wonder what in the hell he was doing that for! If something like that happened I believe my lovely wife would turn to him at that point and tell him to go screw with someone else's mind and drop him like a hot rock. Nothing subtle, because that behaviour is just mean and wrong in my book!

S

[Bama0468]

the word "Stop" or "no more" then you can follow it up with the ones you are with or just ask the SO to talk a moment.

After all the Golden Rules are the Golden Rules for a reason, and should not make anyone look foolish or like and ass, My opinion is if the ivokation of the golden rules makes you look like and ass to the couple your with (or single) then do you really want to keep playing (or trying to) with them any way?

[CB_n_Red]

I think if it had been me there I would have decked him! What a prat!

CB

[warkman]

Originally Posted by ownerspet

I met this couple the Mrs. has known for years, and we were in a large group setting / atmosphere with other lifestyle couples around.

Everyone at this party were swingers and you hadn't met this couple (that your wife had known for years) until this party. Is that correct? Even if this couple had played with your wife before you were married, it seems quite rude to me that the husband wouldn't have gotten to know you and establish permission to touch before getting physical with your wife, even if it was "just kissing and feeling her up." And then to add the comment seems assholically (if I may coin a word) hurtful and exclusionary.

[socolais]

We haven't encountered such disrespectful behavior at any of the parties we've been to. When either of us are uncomfortable in any setting, the need to be covert about it is just not there. My wife became uncomfortable at one of the parties and said to me, "We need to leave". The look on her face convinced me she was serious. Our solution was to thank the hosts and drive away. I don't see a need for revenge, Karma will probably settle that score much better than I could.

Our version of a two-person party is never second best.

[sweet_tna]

What a jerkasaurus! While I applaud your restraint, this guy certainly did NOT deserve it. If I may ask, what were you doing at the time this guy was pawing the Mrs.? 'Cause unless I was busy pleasing my partner, I'd walk over and either do a shoulder rub and whisper in Mr. Sweets ear, OR simply ask if I could cut in. That would've alerted my honey that something was up. Heck, even if I was busy, I'd probably excuse myself anyway. Tough to enjoy playtime if your hackles are up . . .

Of course, it goes without saying once either of us learned the other was uncomfortable, we'd drop that guy/girl so fast they wouldn't feel the fall.


If ya' don't mind me asking, what did your wife say/do?

=)

[Couple-N-NM]

My wife is a polite smoker, so that makes it easy for us. If she wants to talk to me about something or we want to discuss whether or not something is going to happen at a party, with a couple or whatever she suddenly needs to smoke and we go outside or some distance away from the crowd. This allows us to discuss whats happening and get feedback from each other without offending anyone else.

[NumbskullsX2]

Originally Posted by ownerspet

Recently something happenned that was somewhat minor, that motivated this post. I met this couple the Mrs. has known for years, and we were in a large group setting / atmosphere with other lifestyle couples around. The male half of this couple was very forward, and it seemed like at the time his body language and mannerisms were just from someone that was screwing with my head. It wasn't the fact that he was kissing my wife or feeling her up. I don't know what it was that made me pick up on the fact that he was screwing with my head, and at the time I didn't really know how to point this out without looking like an ass.

He wasn't "screwing with your head", he was testing you. You're new to the group, and this is his way of asserting dominance within that group, letting you know that no matter who feeds your wife and cares for her, HE'S the alpha-dog, and has (and will continue to) copulate with her at will.

Let me guess.......this person is probably a little bigger than you, maybe a little more physically imposing, and has stronger ties within the group, correct? Doing this in front of everybody reasserts his position as alpha-dog to them, as well.

Originally Posted by ownerspet

So I ignored it, and after-all it was just kissing and feeling her up. At this point, I knew it wasn't going beyond that, so don't worry about it was my attitude.

That was the wrong thing to do. You should have challenged him. I don't mean to a fight (although that's how these things often end up in vanilla bars) but looked him dead square in the eye and said, in as cold and expressionless of a tone as you could muster, "That's enough" Say nothing more, you're not entering a negotiation or a dialogue. There's no need to curse, raise your voice, or make threats. With assholes like this you simply have to draw the line one time, but you MUST do it convincingly. Do so once, and you probably won't have to do it again, ever.

As it now stands, you will probably have to do it at some point in the future, most likely when he's feeling his status slipping within the group.QUOTE=ownerspet;324425]Then, something happenned to alleviate the pressure that probably wouldn't happen in any similar situations. He looked at me right in front of my wife, and told me that he was just kissing my wife and feeling her up to f--- with me. [/quote] This is where a nice right cross or roundhouse kick can be effective. As he's instinctively reaching up to his bloody face to see if his teeth are still where they were when he left the house, you say...

"Sooooo, 'just fucking with me,' eh? Well, back at ya, pal!" and offer your hand in friendship.

Well, not really, but it would be nice.

The big question I have is, "Where in the HELL was your wife while all this was going on?" Couldn't she see (or sense) your obvious discomfort with all this? What's her problem? SHE should have been the one putting a stop to his actions. Why did she let this proceed?

Originally Posted by ownerspet

So my instinct was definitly right. While it wasn't going to a more involved play situation, I'm sure this is just one of many uncomfortable situations that you or other lifestyle couples end up in. So my question for couples is:

Well, yes and no. We don't have many "uncomfortable situations" in the lifestyle. If we did, we'd find another lifestyle. This is supposed to be fun.

Originally Posted by ownerspet

"What type of things do you do or say to let your significant other know there is something wrong in any uncomfortable situation in a group setting, without making a scene or an ass of yourself, and to not ruin the mood for everyone else in the group?

If somebody is deliberately making me uncomfortable ("fucking with me head" as you put it) worry about "making a scene" is the last thing I'm concerned with. Do whatever you have to do to put a stop to it.

Originally Posted by ownerspet

Do you use hand signals?

You shouldn't have to use hand signals. Your partner should be able to tell by the look on your face that you're not cool with the situation. If she needs a "hand signal" I suggest an upraised thumb, motioning towards the door. You're not ready for this, and you need to get her ass out of there.

Originally Posted by ownerspet

I don't think anyone wants to look like they're at the center of drama by causing a scene (especially if you may be interested in others in the group).

When people step out of line by taking liberties with your woman (like this guy did) they've already created "drama." The only question is "How will YOU respond to it?"

[VegasLee]

I am the type of person that does not let others control my emotions or fun. If they are getting what I consider to be out of line or appear to be "fucking with me" I advise them they don't have that power, they are no one to me. I also advise them they can move on and find other things to do. I don't have to make a scene or cause any drama. Just be straight forward with them in a nice calm voice. That normally ends it.

I go to events and parties to have fun. I am not going to let some fool spoil that for me or Laura by us getting up and leaving. No one will have the power to effect my emotions or feelings.

[Pensacolapair]

Unfortunatly, there are people who get their pleasure from making others uncomfortable..and love to push other's buttons.

Like any other poor behavior, it continues because it's allowed to continue. Many people in the Lifestyle prefer to be non-confrontational; a fact that button-pushers are aware of and use to their advantage.

We are 'old school' Golden Rule people...we don't disrespect other people and therefore refuse to tolerate disrespect from others toward ourselves.

In our case, G (our female half) wouldn't have had to 'discuss' it with me..she would have handed him his head verbally, knowing that if he wanted to continue to be an ass after that, M would be readily available to do the same physically.

The only way button-pushers learn is when they push that button that blows up in their face.

[JustAskJulie]

"testing the newbie" is pretty much what I would call it.

For the record we were in a large group party setting and said person is half of a couple that I have known and played with in the past. This was the first time I had seen them in years and the first time Pet had met them (earlier in the day).

The guy had kissed on me a few times during the course of the day and it was no big deal for anyone. At the time the situation occured that invoked this post, I had no idea that he was doing it to "fuck with" anyone. Maybe I'm stupid or blind, I don't know. I was looking at Pet during this to see how he was reacting and the look I got back was that of "it's no big deal". A few minutes later after he had stopped he looked at Pet and said "you know I was just doing that to fuck with you right?".

Honestly, THAT pissed me off, not only that he was doing that to Pet because it left me as a pawn feeling used in the situation. These are people who have been in the lifestyle for years, so what is their reason or need to do this?

Had I realized the reason behind the actions I would have stopped the actions before they started, or had I known that Pet was in any way uncomfortable I would have stopped things and it would have been no problem for me to do so. So how have we chosen to respond to them now? Like nothing happened with with no allowance for any further physical contact. Any chance they had of doing anything with me again is now gone.

[ncmd_couple]

I think that most of us take people at face value. It is upsetting to us to find out that some are playing ego trips. You were honest and up front Julie. He lied about his intentions and motivations. Sad, very sad, for you and the OP.

S

[Additude]

It seems out of the ordinary that any person would say and do something like that with malicious intent unless there was a specific detrimental reason for doing it. However, this person, based on your story, already knew your wife and knew of you so he was an acquaintance at worst, maybe your wife’s friend? I don't know, but definately not a stranger.

I don't think what was said was intentionally meant in a harmful way.

Why would someone say something like that? Who knows, the booze, the passion, the moment. You were best to ignore it if it bothered you.

A response from you of, "I'll return the favor" would have leveled the field.

Let it go.

[Alura]

I'm just a hick Okie, Owner's Pet, and I don't pretend to know the motivations of someone I haven't met, but my guess is that Julie (testing the newbie) and Numbskulls (alpha male syndrome) are closest. I can think of several good reasons for kissing your wife, but fucking with you would not be one of them. Suggesting that the reason he was kissing your wife was to "fuck with you" was very insulting to your wife, in my opinion.

It's hard to fault any man for wanting to kiss your wife, especially if he's kissed her before and, therefore, has some idea of what it might be like. It's easy to fault an asshole for being an asshole, though.

Here's how I would respond:

Ask him to repeat what he said, as if you didn't hear or understand. Any repeated remark is weakened and will seem more foolish when you reply.

"Well, I'll tell you what, Cowboy... It doesn't seem to be working."

Ignore him. That's what will gore his psyche most.

Mr. Alura