Just can't connect

[bellady]

First the question: How do i handle this situation and get my husband to understand that I just don't like this woman?

Second, The situation: My husband and I were introduced to swinging by an old friend of his and his girlfriend. My husband has known his friend for a long time and has business dealings with him and we also owe him money...sigh.... So we have to keep a good relationship with these people...I like the guy but not the girl. I do not mind hanging out with them but am always getting annoyed by her.
We did initially have a very soft sexual encounter with them but I did not like my husband playing with her and have made it clear to him I don't want to play with them. He is ok with that and we have managed to advoid that situation with them. She does say suggestive things to my husband, especially when she gets drunk. I know it is just sexual/flirting and that is ok because we are swingers but just with this particular girl It bothers me.

I have really tried to like this girl.. she is nice and hospitable, as they like to have people over to their house, so we are there often. But I just can't connect to her on a girlfriend level. She is hard to have a conversation with sometimes and I just can not talk to her like you would with another girl. She thinks the world of herself..just ask her, she will tell you... she is always dressed sexily, you see her ,you see her boobs.. no matter what we are doing. She is just too out there for me. We are very different people. For example, last night we were at there house and her neice and her boyfriend were there.. They are not swingers...Of course some innuendos were thrown around and at one point she said to the nieces boyfriend .." I could teach you a lot of things" She was getting suggestive towards him and I could see the neice getting upset. I don't blame her... They left shortly after that.

So the problem is that my husband says I should should get to know her better and that she is a nice person... we have been hanging around with them for a couple years now. I don't think we will get any closer or that I will change my mind. How do i make him understand my feelings? I don't want to stop seeing them. I just want him to be more sensitive to my feelings about her.
I am also looking for any suggestions on how to deal with her and not be so annoyed.

I am sorry this is so long I just wanted to explain the big picture here

[ncmd_couple]

Hi Bellady,

That is one of the reasons that we don't play with people we have business relationships with. It is important to keep business and pleasure seperate. That is the way that you want to approach this with your husband. It is something that he can grasp more easily than relationship issues between the ladies. Us guys have a hard time with that sometimes.

It is also hard to undo what has been done. But the one thing you two can do is try to pay him what you owe so that lever is not there. For me, if my lady doesn't like someone, for what ever reason, then that is all it takes to step back. But the key is that you need to talk to your husband from a point of view that he will better grasp. Good luck!

S

[bellady]

Thanks for that good advice.. Nice to hear from the mans point of view.
We have told them that we do not feel comfortable playing with them because they are too close of friends and we do not want to hurt our relationship. They seem to understand when we tell them but we still get invitations to play.


Mrs Bell

[JustAskJulie]

I see a few issues here that make this just a giant set of "don't do it".

1. The friendship thing.
2. The business partner thing
3. You owe them money (which makes you end up feeling like you owe them a lot more) - as they say the borrower is slave to the lender (I think it's in the bible or something).

Honestly, I think while for your husband the first two may play a bigger part because he is the one who is friends with the guy, I think you feel the power of the third one the most and you just don't want to ruffle feathers. Your husband may also feel that along with the business partner issue and thus want to make everything nice to keep from pissing anyone off.

I have to agree with NCMD in that the only way to take some of the pressure off at this point is to pay them what you owe them. Since they are friends you are still going to have to see them, but you don't HAVE to swing with them and I would make that clear to your husband that you are not interested in playing with them anymore. Even if you are ok with the guy and not the girl, they are a package (whether you like it or not). It's in your best interest to put distance where you can, even if it's not much.

[bellady]

Thanks

I have told the hubby that I don't want to play with them and we have told them.... I am looking for ways just to deal with her when we are together, when I can't advoid it! How not to let her personality get to me. And I was just venting a little....

[sexcupid]

bellady welcome to the board!

How do i handle this situation and get my husband to understand that I just don't like this woman?

If you have been seeing them socially and/or in a business capacity for a few years and the other lady still hasn't 'grown on you'...then honestly I do not see that she ever will. I mean, if the other guy is an old buddy of his, then in a happy little world all the significant others of his friends would get along famously...but obviously this is not happening.

I have recently had this experience with a playmate of my sweetie. And his response to me saying, 'there's just something about her that rubs me the wrong way/makes me uncomfortable/insert your own phrasing here' is to tell me I don't know her and shouldn't make those kind of statements. True enough, but you know there are just some people you meet that do that for no 'good reason'. But you meet people that you have that reaction to even in vanilla life...they seem likeable enough, but for some reason you just don't. It's very hard to explain.

I think part of it is a personality clash with this other lady; being overly flirty, the way she dresses, etc. If you didn't like her before playing with them, of course you wouldn't like seeing your hubby play with her. How did it get to that point?

I think you are feeling a little obligated to continue to socialize with these folks, probably because of the long standing friendship between the men. Add in the business aspect and debt to them...wow...I agree with the others, try to pay it off as soon as you can so that level of 'obligation' is gone.

Good luck!

[bellady]

You are right I did not like her before playing, we just did not connect and It will not change. ... the playing happened because we were all drunk, naked in the hot tub
I wish we could pay off the debt. Hopefully this summer... Even after we pay them hubby will still want to keep the relationship.. and I don't expect him not too.
I just need to learn how to deal with her.

[Playful1]

One suggestion:

I don't know how many of your encounters have been only in small groups or only with them, but I would suggest that in the future if you need to keep seeing them (for whatever reasons) that you always make it a larger group setting or at the very least make sure someone you really like is also included in it. It makes it much easier to deal with someone you don't connect with if there is someone there that you really like and click with, in this case particularly if it's another woman that you really like. Plus, not many guys i know would turn down adding another woman into the mix.

It would give you someone else to focus on both in social and the bedroom (if you can't keep the bedroom from happening).

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by bellady

Thanks

I have told the hubby that I don't want to play with them and we have told them.... I am looking for ways just to deal with her when we are together, when I can't advoid it! How not to let her personality get to me. And I was just venting a little....

I know it's been a while but I just realized no one really addressed this question.

One thought I had while rereading your description of her actions is that she may very well be a bit insecure and the actions you are seeing are her over-compensating for that insecurity. What she isn't realizing is that she is shooting herself in the foot because her actions are only pushing people away (the opposite effect of what she wants). Perhaps honesty may be a good tact with her. Tell her what you like about her then point out that there are some things that really trouble you (like the innuendos with the neices boyfriend). We can all learn from each other so try to focus on the positive attributes that you can find within her and find ways to acknowledge those and get her to display them more often.

[bellady]

Hey ..thanks for that insite.. I have thought that maybe she is insecure and is overcompensating...while logically I understand that ..she still annoys me.

One night when we were all together and she had a few drinks, we did talk a little and she said to me that "It wasn't easy for her" and from other things she has said in passing, I can totally agree that she probably is insecure and has other issues.

Also after that night we talked I thought we had gotten a little closer but the next time I saw her and every time after that, she still is distant and hard to talk to.

One of these days we will sit and have a heart to heart. The problem is that I don't have much good to say and am not good at saying hurtful or negative things to someones face. I have to come up with a nice way to say "i just don't like you"

Some day I am hoping I can come to place where I feel comfortable enough for us all to play together and not have issues or bad feelings and just enjoy each other sexually and our friendship. That would be the easiest senerio.

Reading this board and all the great advice and thoughts and opinons really do help me in that direction.

[JustAskJulie]

She is reminding me of a girl I met once that has led to one of the greatest stories my group of friends at the time carried for a long while. Some of my best friends had a party one night and one of the very hot single guys that usually attended showed up with this little 19 year old hottie... hottie that is until she opened her mouth and would not shut it the entire night. Every time anyone said anything she had to interrupt with "well this one time....." Oh and she did porn .. the real stuff not that amateur stuff that my friends and I were doing at the time. I spent the whole night TRYING to get drunk so that she wouldn't get on my nerves so bad (it didn't work... and I never even got a buzz... talk about a buzzkill). (This was right around the time when American Pie had come out). So finally we are all sitting in the hottub trying to chill out and she starts out again "well this one time...." and I interrupted with "at Porn Camp?!" Everyone else died laughing and she totally didn't get that the joke was on her.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by bellady

My husband and I were introduced to swinging by an old friend of his and his girlfriend. My husband has known his friend for a long time and has business dealings with him and we also owe him money...sigh.... So we have to keep a good relationship with these people...I like the guy but not the girl.

As soon as you pay off your debt to this guy your problems will go away.

I think you're only hanging around with this guy and his girl because of the money you owe him.

LM

[Bama0468]

Money and sex never mix.. just ask a cop ,

any how, since we are all in the LS at various levels and picturing her in her Undies won't help, how about picturing her in a Jester out fit, or in the Stocks, Diapers....

Anyhow, guess I just had to say it