Getting back into swinging creating anxiety

[justletmein]

So here is the main problem...

my partner (H) wants to get back into the lifestyle after a short break (we stalled for work reasons and just being plain too busy really). I am having trouble finding the libido to get back into it.

About 4 months ago, just as we were getting into threesomes, we had a girl stay on our couch for a week. She knew what we were into, but it was never really intended, just joked about. Anyway, it turned out that one night we had a threesome.

Background: my partner works from home. I work 4 day weeks, 10 hour days.

We all slept in the same bed that night and I was the only on getting up for work the next day. It was fucking hard to leave them two sleeping in the same bed that morning. H and I always returned home after other sessions and not having that one on one time after the threesome was hard. It's like a debreif, but in this case it had to be delayed.

So anyway, during the week when I was at work, H and this girl were spending a shitload of time together and H developed feelings for her. She moved out and H and I resolved our issues and even got tattoos to mark the occasion, indicative of our love for each other and the strength of our relationship.

About a month after she moved out, we had a MMF with a friend of mine. A great night enjoyed by all and H and I seriously believed that all issues regarding this previous girl were absolved and redundant.

Now, H wants to get back in to swinging that our routine is a little more standard. We met a couple a few weeks ago and I just couldn't do it. They came from an hour away to meet at a cafe near our place. We drank coffee, they had food, someone suggested going back to ours, we got around the corner and about 3 blocks away from our place and I just had to say no. H says it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. They were so rejected. It fucking sucked.

The thing is, I just couldn't get this image of H and another girl (it didn't have to be him and the girl who stayed on our couch) out of my head. It made my heart race, my palms sweaty, I burst into tears as soon as we got home. I could not have let H be with this girl.

This issue is, is that this anxiety is still here. Whenever I think about H and another girl, even if I visualise myself participating in the session as well, these mere throughts make my heart race and freak me out. I had a doctors appointment this morning for an unrelated issue but she checked my blood pressure and I'm through the roof. I'm only 21, I shouldn't have high blood pressure!

And now we don't know what to do. We explored that it may be an issue of choice. Because of my working hours, H is the usually the one that goes online to find people and initiates conversations. I get brought into the mix when it comes to phone calls and meeting up. So we bought a swinger magazine and it was great for me to look and choose, but again the anxiety related to actually doing anything still arose.

In my head a I have contradiction. I appear completely comfortable with the idea of another MMF. Slightly less with an MFMF, but cannot even imagine actually going through with an MFF. Is this subdued jealously?? A trust issue? I have no idea. But it's creating problems.

Swinging was a huge thing for us. It brought us so close and added so much strength to our relationship so how could this one time with a girl that means absolutely nothing to either of us anymore have this effect??

The way that we see it is that we have little choices
a) throw ourselves into an MFF and confront my fears (???) head on
b) meet a few possible couples/singles and see if the anxiety is quelled by mere conversation

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by justletmein

So anyway, during the week when I was at work, H and this girl were spending a shitload of time together and H developed feelings for her. She moved out and H and I resolved our issues and even got tattoos to mark the occasion, indicative of our love for each other and the strength of our relationship.

Is this subdued jealously?? A trust issue? I have no idea. But it's creating problems.

The way that we see it is that we have little choices
a) throw ourselves into an MFF and confront my fears (???) head on
b) meet a few possible couples/singles and see if the anxiety is quelled by mere conversation

First I want to state you are pretty young (not that that really amounts to a hill of beans, I was married and had a baby at 21). How long have you been in this relationship?

I mean, most people kind of go thru a cycle in a relationship...when it starts you want to be (or appear to be) the fun/crazy sex/open for any thing girl....then when things get a little more serious, you tend to want to 'nest' (I really hate that word but not sure how else to describe it..but basically when you want to feel more secure in the relationship and it's just concentrating on the 2 of you)....then when things settle in, people tend to loosen up again. So depending on where in that cycle y'all started swinging (say it was still in the 'wild' phase) you may want to just step back for a little while longer to re-evaluate.

I want to comment on the situation with the other female. Were they also having sex while you were at work? I mean, you don't go from having a great threesome to having your sweetie declaring their 'feelings' in the blink of an eye (or maybe it's just that I don't lol )...so between that and spending lots of time together, I could see that it would cloud his feelings. As for the other issues there...her sleeping in the same bed with you that night, and not having a chance for you and your sweetie to regroup afterwards...those are valid concerns/boundaries. I know it seems a might bit rude to invite her to your bed and after playtime is over, send her back to the couch...but if that was your comfort level, that's what should have happened. There are plenty of swingers that don't mind playing, but sharing a bed comes across to many as a pretty intimate act...as well as it doesn't give you a chance to reconnect as a couple at the end of the night.

I would say it's a trust issue of some sort, I mean...your sweetie developed feelings for a play partner. I know we can't always control our emotions, but it caused a rift in your relationship and in your mind you are equating that every female playmate may potentially cause that rift to reopen.

I don't know that I would recommend jumping into another threesome to 'just deal with it'...that's potential drama waiting to happen. You may just want to get back into the club/party scene to get your sea legs back...with no pressure to play. Can your sweetie help you get your confidence back and not guilt trip you if you don't play with anyone but each other in those settings? Or maybe start again as a soft swap so you can gauge how you feel seeing another female touch him again?

Good luck!

[screaminggood]

It's the "feelings" that have you upset....and you have a right to be upset about it. Your heart says he was "cheating" or having "an affair," even though you knew about it. You need to talk with him about it, and absolutely do not get back into the lifestyle unless it's resolved to your own satisfaction. This is one of those times when a man may not understand how long or how much talking it takes for you to be able to resolve it, but if he wants the relationship to last, he must help you with the process. I know he didn't intend to be "cheating," but in essence, that's what it feels like so those are the emotions you two have to deal with.

[LikeMinds321]

Welcome to the Swingers Board, justletmein.

At 21 years old, your relationship with your BF is still at the starting gate. You probably haven't been living together long. My first thought is that in the beginning of your relationship you may have been testing the waters and having fun discovering your common interest in inviting others into your bedroom. But now that you've been together longer - and experienced sharing yourselves with others - the feel of non-monagomy has changed.

Possibly you feel you are more committed to your BF than he is to you. I think you're worried that he may leave you for another woman because he had "developed feelings" for the woman who stayed with you. It had to be a major issue between you two if you got tattoos to mark the end of that troubling event.

You are okay with considering adding another male, possibly another couple, but you do not want another lone female. This tells me you still feel threatened by your BF being with other women - whether they're attached or single women. I don't think your lack of interest in swinging has anything to do with your "libido" but rather, your feelings of insecurity within your relationship.

At this young stage in your partnership with your BF, I don't think it's unusual to want to focus more time on seeing your love for/commitment to each other grow before you put more time into swinging. Swinging started you on an exiticing path together, but couples do discover that it can bring to them much more than they anticipated and be more complicated. It's not always "just sex" for a lot of couples, as you found out.

I wouldn't recommend throwing yourselves back into swinging to "confront your fears head on." I see this as trying to use others as your therapy. You would be bringing drama to other swingers - as you did once already - that I feel is unfair.

Your anxiety over what happened in the past is so great that it's affecting you physically. Look at what this is telling you...stop swinging and work out what's bugging you between you and your BF.

Bottom line, I think you fear losing him. Decide why you feel this way. You may be picking up some important cues - those gut instincts - that are telling you it's time to give your relationship a closer look.

Good luck. I hope you will continue to post in this thread and share more of your thoughts.

LM

[justletmein]

Thank you for all your replies.

I didn't include this in my previous post but H and I have been together for nearly 4 years, lived together for almost 3 and have been swinging for 18 months. He is 23. Although our age sounds young we are committed to each other and have always held communication highly. he even recommended that I post on here to get another perspective and to write out my thoughts getting everything out on paper, so to speak.

In response to sexcupid, they never had sex while I was work. the threesome was the only sexual contact. her presence definately changed the way that we veiw our relationship and how we see the time that we spend for us now, to make us stronger.

It's been great to read your thoughts. As not many of our friends are aware of our lifestyle, it has been difficult to get advice and let off steam related to the issues. Thank you!

[JustAskJulie]

It may be a little late but maybe you are still around reading/lurking. So a belated Welcome to the board. H gave you some good advice to come here and get some different perspectives, I'm just sorry your thread didn't get a little more attention, sometimes they get buried and missed and I do apologize for that.

Reading through both of your posts, the one thing that came to my mind is that you probably need to take swinging OUT of your house. DO it somewhere else, their house, a hotel whatever, so that when it is done, it's done and the two of you can have that debriefing time that you need (we all need that I think). I think that will also take away a lot of the emotional issue of seeing him with another woman, because it will be just sex and then you go home and reconnect with each other.

Good luck