Brought To Tears

[Bunny&Ed]

Hi all;
We have all talked about this before in another thread. But, this time I really need to know how often this is happening, and if it's just me or are others going through the same thing. I would have written last night, but I was depressed, disgraced, and totally feeling degraded, in and about myself.

For the first time in years, I let someone else's action make me cry. I cried in the car going home and in the shower while trying to erase any evidence. I have never felt so dirty and disgusted with my self. We had just spent the evening with a couple that we had shared prior soft swap relations with. We have seen him and her together on other occations having sex. We know that he takes medication (viagra) and has had no problem with erection.

During our full-swap with them, last evening, he was hard and soft through the foreplay section. Hard when dancing or playing cards, hard during the approximate 10 minute blowjob, and hard during the periods of me giving him a hand job, but....when it came time for him to penetrate me for our ride together, didn't happen, he couldn't, it was like instant limpness...(please, note that...not bragging here....but I'm very tight and any softness at all isn't going to get in..a side effect from being a belly dancing instructor..) After about 30 minutes I gave up trying to get him hard enough to get in.

This was our third full-swap situation, and I haven't had a ride or been penial penetrated yet. Meanwhile, my husband is pounding away on these other men's wives. And then I have to go through the gushing wives comments about how wonderful and hard my husband was, while I'm trying to be polite and feeling worthless.

Four things, then did I Question....

1. I questioned myself and everything I did, thinking that I had tried every trick in the book, that I have used on my husband (except for a whip). So, does this mean that my husband can and will fuck just about anything, which includes me? Am I that disgusting?

2. Should my husband wait to penetrate, while waiting for a sign from me that I have successful penetration, before he penetrates the wife. Then calling a switch at the last moment, if the male cannot get penetration. (Which, by the way, I totally hate this options, because it feels so selfish..)

3. For us to just stop swinging all together, because I'm not what men want. (which again is a selfish answer, because obviously the women like my man, and this may not be what Ed wants, but will do, if I ask.)

Are there any others out there, who have had this problem. Multiple Failures of Penetration related to limp-dick-ness? Is this why a lot of couples seem like bed notchers, because they are going through couples at a fast rate, just to find another complete couple that can perform?

Still hurting..Bunny

[prettylady]

Ah Bunny,
I am so sorry you are hurting. Because I am still feeling my way through the lifestyle I have no words of wisdom for you except not to dwell on this.
I don't belive you are the "cause" of this gentleman's issues. There are so many reasons why a man might have trouble performing and your not one.
I don't see anything selfish of calling a switch if things are not working out between you and the Mr. I think it might be the better solution, He is likely more relaxed with his own wife and can probably perform easier with her. This way you all get to have a good time.
I hope he took equally as good a care of you as you did for him. If not, definatly don't stress it, just carry on and find someone who will take care of your needs as well.

Your friend,
Prettylady

[tribbles]

And then I have to go through the gushing wives comments about how wonderful and hard my husband was

Here is a hint it's not you, it's the guys.

1. So, does this mean that my husband can and will fuck just about anything, which includes me? Am I that disgusting?

It means your husband has no ED. The other guys do.
Stop stinking thinking about yourself. It's not you.

Should my husband wait to penetrate, while waiting for a sign from me that I have successful penetration, before he penetrates the wife. Then calling a switch at the last moment, if the male cannot get penetration. (Which, by the way, I totally hate this options, because it feels so selfish..)

It's selfish to want all of you to have fun? Not in my rule book.
I'd hope my hubby thought of this himself and learned to watch and trade back to me if things weren't going good. I know once we talked it over, that is exactly what he would do.

For us to just stop swinging all together, because I'm not what men want.

You are female and willing. You ARE what men want.

Stop thinking it's you and if you can't choose the #2 option, bring a dildo and have the guy use it on you. Heck, he might even feel happy to do so cuz he knows it's his problem, not you.

We have met lots of guys with E.D. and if they aren't willing to use a toy, then we cross them off. If they are toy willing, then they are willing to please playmates and that's a good thing.

[curious_2for2]

Bunny - please don't blame yourself, you seem like a caring and compassionate person, and that's quite attractive. If your needs aren't being met, address those concerns, and let everything else go.

We don't have a clue why others bed notch, but it works for them and thats ok. As for male limp issues, there's several posts that discuss it. You aren't alone....

Now for the fun part...

"...So, does this mean that my husband can and will fuck just about anything, which includes me?" Yes! Am I that disgusting? No, not disgusting at all!

2. "...(Which, by the way, I totally hate this options, because it feels so selfish..)" Isn't this part of the problem, you're being selfless, and it's not working for you? Why not be slightly selfish?

3. For us to just stop swinging all together, because I'm not what men want. (which again is a selfish answer, because obviously the women like my man, and this may not be what Ed wants, but will do, if I ask.) I think you are drawing a larger conclusion from a small subset of data. You'll find the right couple, and again, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself when your play partner isn't standing up for you!

"...We know that he takes medication (viagra) and has had no problem with erection." HUH?

"...a side effect from being a belly dancing instructor.." and you question your sex appeal?

Bunny, we can't take your hurt away, but we can support you and share the love and hopefully make you smile. Talk to Ed and work through this, you'll be glad you did.

~C2

[lizandtom]

Hi Bunny, good of you to communicate how you're feeling and you're not alone. My wife had the same issue with one particular guy of a couple for many tries and was feeling the same thoughts you are; maybe not pretty enough, gets hard at other times but not when it's do or die.... Worst part of it was, the guy was great; so funny and personable and a hot wife that I had no problem with, but finally we just decided that as much as we like them it wasn't a match. The chemistry wasn't there enough to keep on seeing them on a regular basis. In your case it's nothing you have done, it's just not a match , and no reflection on you. People don't decide who they're attracted to; they just are or they aren't no matter what they say. NOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO is try a few other couples where the chemistry MAY WORK OUT, that's all. We've been swinging for about 4 years and this happened to us in our first few months, so the effect was harsh on my wife regardless of my assurance of how beautiful and sexy she was. Once we decided there are plenty of fish in the sea, we went fishing and that boosted her confidence right up when a number of guys went the full monty with her (over time that is lol). The clubs are great for that if you're willing to make eye contact, flirt and get to know people.

[Pierced-n-Proud]

G'day Bunny,
I'm so sorry you feel this way. Mr P & P here and I'll be open and honest with you, I've had the same experience but in reverse. For reasons unknown sometimes I just can't get an erection to penetrate my playmate. It can be a degrading experience not to be able to join in the fun with your partner.

Firstly, I doubt it is you! From my point of view if the action has already started and Mrs P & P is having intercourse and I'm not I get the feeling that I'm watching my wife go on a wonderful "holiday" and I'm waving her goodbye from the shore. This is not conducive to maintaining an erection.

Secondly I begin to worry that my playmate is feeling just what you are. Fortunately I am told I'm good manually and orally, so if the erection doesn't work I concentrate on other talents for her pleasure. Try not to focus too much on penetration.

Timing has been helpful in our case. It is more a matter of your partner waiting until it's happening for everyone. This can even serve to build the sexual tension and make the experience more enjoyable. Don't be afraid to swap him back to his partner in an attempt to get things working.

If it helps, Mrs P & P and I have played with one particular couple 5 times. Each time Mrs P & P and her playmate have great success and enjoy the experience emensely but I have not been able to get an erection. My playmate is gorgeous, sexy, beautiful and her body and mind are a real turn on. I'm not sure why it doesn't work but I do know it is not because of her...(and I make a point of her knowing it isn't her!)I'd say the same is likey in your case. I know I feel terrible after each of our playdates fellings like worthlessness, ugly, etc...all self-destructive.

Be open and honest with your Hubby and your playmate, don't give up, and realise that your playmate might just be feeling as bad as you feel and I doubt it would be intentional (if he even knows) that he made you feel this way. After all it is about experiencing sensuality, not just fucking.

Just for the record...
1. Your husband is probably used to a beautiful, responsive partner (you!) and be lucky enough to have his head around the whole swinging thing.
2. Timing so that everyone enjoys might be worthwhile trying.
3. You are what men want...Ed would agree no doubt. AND a belly dancing instructor to boot! Woo hoo.

Penises are awful things, they can be like unions...go out on strike for the smallest reason and refuse to return to work! The owner rarely has control over them

I hope it all works out for you.
P & P

[Bunny&Ed]

I start by saying thank you for taking the time to read my very long message.

Originally Posted by prettylady

I hope he took equally as good a care of you as you did for him.

I would say that everything was definately hot and heavy, sweaty and wet, until that last seconds, when it all went limp. Then total disappointment, because foreplay for me is all fun, but the hard pounding at the end is what I'm really after, to be truthful...

Originally Posted by tribbles

It means your husband has no ED.

I giggled at this, Ed does have ED, in fact, when we first decided to swing, we discussed this, and now we make sure that Ed has taken his Cialis 4 hours before our planned meeting time with another couple, or club time. It costs us $150.00 a month to keep Ed from having an embarrassing moment and little Ed is performing as expected when on a command performance.

Originally Posted by curious_2for2

"...We know that he takes medication (viagra) and has had no problem with erection." HUH?

At first, it was like Huh? you didn't understand what I wrote, and then I realised that you were as confused as we were. Here's a couple that we have been getting to know for more than 4 months, cards, dinners, movies, soft swap, voyerism, exhibitionism,,,,and then reassurance that he was on medicine and was ready to literly rock my world and couldn't wait to do it. Then after 30 minutes of hot, exciting foreplay, and fizzle....with the medication on board to boot, so you can just imagine how I felt. (Note, this is the third guy in a row that has had this happen...Am I cursed?)

Originally Posted by lizandtom

We've been swinging for about 4 years and this happened to us in our first few months, so the effect was harsh on my wife regardless of my assurance of how beautiful and sexy she was. Once we decided there are plenty of fish in the sea, we went fishing and that boosted her confidence right up when a number of guys went the full monty with her (over time that is lol). The clubs are great for that if you're willing to make eye contact, flirt and get to know people.

Thank you for sharing this, it wouldn't have been bad if it was just one guy, but to have three in a row, and all of them couples that we had spent time getting to know and had faith in. But to no avail, no fun for bunny.

Thank you all for your support....I'll keep dreaming of a stiffy, at worst, my husband says that he's always available for me...heehee

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by curious_2for2

Talk to Ed and work through this, you'll be glad you did.
~C2

I thought I might chime in here. Yes we are talking. And I have even pushed a bit to make sure she posts her experience and feeling so that she can get some advice. This has been hard on her, but I have been paying attention to how the men deal with her. I see alot of men who are attracted and interested. We just need to hit the right one for her to get her WOW. I just worry about her self esteem though. And if she keeps being unlucky, I will not hesitate to either make us soft swap only or stop the swinging altogether. Yes I find the lifestyle fun, but not if if it is going to hurt my wife in the long run.

Originally Posted by Pierced-n-Proud

Be open and honest with your Hubby and your playmate, don't give up, and realise that your playmate might just be feeling as bad as you feel and I doubt it would be intentional (if he even knows) that he made you feel this way.P & P

These are my thought also. I do hope we can manage to have a discution to find out what went wrong and try again if it seems like we can make things work out better. They are a wonderfull couple and we enjoy spending time with them. But I have a feeling that Bunny is going to need a good experience before she is willing to risk it. Its crazy, we have seen him perform and do well. Maybe he just forgot to take his meds last night, I dont know.

[LFM2]

Bunny, I'm sorry you're hurting as well. I have to agree with Prettylady about you definitely NOT being the cause of this.

I'm curious if the other man said anything? I'm wondering if he forgot his viagra?

[Bunny&Ed]

Originally Posted by Pierced-n-Proud

G'day Bunny,
Penises are awful things, they can be like unions...go out on strike for the smallest reason and refuse to return to work! The owner rarely has control over them

Dear P&P, it was good to hear a man's point of view. Thank you...did I forget to mention, that I love a man with an accent, even if it is only in ink..Seriously though, being a nurse I can totally understand the union issue, and though awful things called penises. However, I still can't help but adore them, lick them, suck them, blow on them...I digress...Wasn't there a phrase that the third time is a charm, does that mean that I'm cursed, because all three times have been unexpectedly limp in response. Ok, I'll keep fishing, maybe if I hook one, it'll stay erect, I've heard that pain can cause this response!!!

Originally Posted by Ed & Bunny

And if she keeps being unlucky, I will not hesitate to either make us soft swap only or stop the swinging altogether. Yes I find the lifestyle fun, but not if if it is going to hurt my wife in the long run.

See Mama, he really does love me....I love you too, you beast (my pet name for Ed, always said with love within the tone....)!

[singleagain]

"I still can't help but adore them, lick them, suck them, blow on them..."

Bunny...this is the secret that keeps me up and ready for the long run. A woman who adores...

I have a real problem every time I am with a lady who expects me to perform. Just can't seem to get around the "performance" issue when "performance" is expected. And there are so many ways a lady signals that "performance" on my part is what it is all about. The best sex is the kind where you "perform" what you like and leave it to me to "perform" what I like. When that magical moment happens, I "perform" and "perform" and "perform".

Oh, when does the magical moment occur? The moment "the moment" becomes about the other person!

[LikeMinds321]

Bunny ~

It could be that you have been spending too much time getting to know these couples as friends before having sex. The men may see you differently after getting to know you well, more as a great lady and friend, rather than someone they can "go all the way" with. This can be a genuine problem for many couples who move from just FB status to friends with benefits. Have you ever met a couple and played with them - full swap - on the first meet? I'd suggest giving that a try when you find a couple you click with.

Also, the ED drugs won't keep an erection if a man is not turned on to having sex with a person. So if these men have had any reservations about intercourse the ED will still be a problem, as you've discovered. Just because your Ed can still think of these women as playmates doesn't mean the husbands can still relate to you in the same way. They may think of you as a friend now and that may get in the way of their performance. This has nothing to do with your attractiveness or sexiness, it's just the way it goes sometimes.

Have you noticed if these men watch Ed with their wife? Maybe these men are more into watching their wife with men than actually being in the play. So instead of them being in their moment with you, they are more into watching and when the time comes to focus on you (or any woman) they aren't able to make the transition to focusing completely on their partner and reaching climax through intercourse.

I wouldn't put myself through attempting sex with these men again. I think you and Ed should find a new couple and try a different approach, have sex sooner before becoming "backyard barbecue friends" and also consider finding a couple who may even enjoy separate room play...not that you have to do this, but if they state they are comfortable with this it could be a sign that he is less voyeuristic and the end result may be better performance with you.

Please don't give up. Just re-evaluate and try a different approach.

Good luck.

LM

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Bunny ~

It could be that you have been spending too much time getting to know these couples as friends before having sex. The men may see you differently after getting to know you well, more as a great lady and friend, rather than someone they can "go all the way" with. This can be a genuine problem for many couples who move from just FB status to friends with benefits. Have you ever met a couple and played with them - full swap - on the first meet? I'd suggest giving that a try when you find a couple you click with.

Also, the ED drugs won't keep an erection if a man is not turned on to having sex with a person. So if these men have had any reservations about intercourse the ED will still be a problem, as you've discovered. Just because your Ed can still think of these women as playmates doesn't mean the husbands can still relate to you in the same way. They may think of you as a friend now and that may get in the way of their performance. This has nothing to do with your attractiveness or sexiness, it's just the way it goes sometimes.

Have you noticed if these men watch Ed with their wife? Maybe these men are more into watching their wife with men than actually being in the play. So instead of them being in their moment with you, they are more into watching and when the time comes to focus on you (or any woman) they aren't able to make the transition to focusing completely on their partner and reaching climax through intercourse.

I wouldn't put myself through attempting sex with these men again. I think you and Ed should find a new couple and try a different approach, have sex sooner before becoming "backyard barbecue friends" and also consider finding a couple who may even enjoy separate room play...not that you have to do this, but if they state they are comfortable with this it could be a sign that he is less voyeuristic and the end result may be better performance with you.

Please don't give up. Just re-evaluate and try a different approach.

Good luck.

LM

Well at least we know we are on the right track. We were discussing doing the sex first already. It nice to hear from you that may help. In fact, with this in mind we have sent out a few new invites and plan to push a few old ones which have been lagging.

But our reasons were just to find out if the new guy functions and to avoid spending the time cultivating something that may go nowhere in the end. We hadnt thought about the rest of what you said. It is possible that it had something to do with what happened the other night. It was strange in that we had a difficult time getting things to get started in the bedroom. It seemed like they were hesitating for some reason. So your reasoning may be on target. I hope that we are able to get some dialog going with them and find out. Neither of us would mind keeping them as just friends.

A big thanks for all your advice.


And another big thanks again to all the others who have responded here. We may not always agree or get along, but when help is really needed everyone seems to find a way to say what is needed.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Bunny&Ed

For the first time in years, I let someone else's action make me cry. I cried in the car going home and in the shower while trying to erase any evidence. I have never felt so dirty and disgusted with my self. We had just spent the evening with a couple that we had shared prior soft swap relations with. We have seen him and her together on other occations having sex. We know that he takes medication (viagra) and has had no problem with erection.

If he is taking viagra then he probably does have some erection issues, even if just during swinging (and that's pretty common). DO you know for sure that he took it last night? Maybe he ran out and therefore returned to the issues that he takes it for.

but I'm very tight and any softness at all isn't going to get in..a side effect from being a belly dancing instructor..)

This could actually be an issue. I can recall a time with my ex when we were planning to swap with a couple and he was totally fine up until the point of entry at which point he went limp trying to get it in because she was so tight.

And then I have to go through the gushing wives comments about how wonderful and hard my husband was, while I'm trying to be polite and feeling worthless.

It's not you. The fact that these wives are gushing in such a way tells me that they are feeling rather lucky to encounter a guy who is staying hard. So either their men have problems on a regular basis (even with them) or they two have encountered a lot of guys within the lifestyle who can't stay hard.

Four things, then did I Question....

does this mean that my husband can and will fuck just about anything, which includes me? Am I that disgusting?

No

2. Should my husband wait to penetrate, while waiting for a sign from me that I have successful penetration, before he penetrates the wife. Then calling a switch at the last moment, if the male cannot get penetration. (Which, by the way, I totally hate this options, because it feels so selfish..)

I honestly don't think this is a bad idea or totally selfish. This (swinging) should be about both of you as a couple, not about one partner or the other and if only one of you is getting something out of it then it's not. Perhaps if you notice that a guy is going up and down throughout the night you should just call a switch "oh I really want to see you fuck your wife". And why not have your husband wait for a sign from you that all is good before he begins penetration and if it's not happening then he can call for the switch.

3. For us to just stop swinging all together, because I'm not what men want. (which again is a selfish answer, because obviously the women like my man, and this may not be what Ed wants, but will do, if I ask.)

If you weren't what men wanted then you wouldn't be getting as far as you are. It's not you.

Is this why a lot of couples seem like bed notchers, because they are going through couples at a fast rate, just to find another complete couple that can perform?

I don't necessarily think that is the case but I do think this is one of many reasons why many couples don't get a second date.

[sweet_tna]

I somehow missed this thread earlier, but I wanted to say that it is NOT you, Bunny, and I'm sorry you've had such a terrible run of luck.

It could be the meds aren't working, it could be the guys were more into watching their spouses, it could be the phase of the moons in Jupiter's orbit. But it's NOT YOU.

Ed, you are such a sweetie to encourage her to post here and to be so supportive of her. Granted, that's how things should be in the lifestyle, but it's still heartwarming to see.

I agree that it might be a good time to try hooking up with someone you meet at club right off, even if it's just soft swap. I don't think it's time to give up just yet, that great experience for both of ya'll is probably just around the corner.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)