First encounter issues...need insight on this.

[virgincouple22]

Hubby and I had our first encounter recently with a couple we met online through an ad. The other couple turned out to be really cool and nice and we hit it off. Since it was our first time we had "rules" we set...pretty much just no sex with the opposite spouse, and no kissing the opposite spouse, but everything else was fair game. This was stated on multiple occasions before the fun began and they said they would totally respect it and not do any of that.
Well the fun begins and the wife tries to kiss my husband and her husband tries to kiss me. They both made several attempts but each time we turned out faces. Then at one point the wife mounted my husband and had her "area" near my husband forcing my husband to hold his member down away from her. Am I right in feeling violated? or being overly sensitive about it?

Also since they were our first experience we wanted some sort of feedback from them on how it went but now they are avoiding us...is that to be expected?

[LFM2]

In my humble opinion, the other couple broke your boundaries. You say you told them you were not into kissing or penetration, yet the rest was fair game, if I understood your post correctly. If in fact, she tried to mount your husband and they both tried to kiss you, they've done dirt and they know it. In fact, we would have probably picked up our clothes and walked out. We might remind them one time that it was agreed upon that there would be no penetration and no kissing. Twice is swinging death.

I think you have every right to feel how you do.

Even though this so called "really cool and nice couple" were your first experience, I hope it doesn't sour you on the lifestyle. Some couples have problems following the directives of the other couple. The more experienced couple should have been sure you were comfortable, yet I don't think I'd want feedback from them. They would be a bad memory I'd want to forget. They might be avoiding you because they're embarrassed (Which they should be for acting the way they did) or they're angry that they feel they were cheated out of a "good time".

Personally, and again, this is my own opinion, you did nothing wrong... They overstepped your boundaries and tried to take advantage of the situation. NOT cool and NOT nice.

[twobears]

Hi welcome to the lifestyle!! We still consider ourselves new at swinging with just a little over 3 years, for the first year we were solf-swing only and kissing was off limits at first. In time we have gotten more comfortable and more at ease meeting new couples so our guidelines has changed some. I am sorry that this couple was trying to push you into an area that you were not comfortable with. They might have thought that once you crossed the boundaries that you would go along with it but they were not very considerate or showing you the respect that every couple should have for each other. We started off on a good foot by reading this board and books on what other couples went through and learning to really talk about everything between us and the other couples. I have found that if the new couple does not appear to be comfortable talking about what limits will be set for the evening or what they want to experience, we then go very slow with them. If you really like them you might give them another chance by openly talking face to face about how both of you feel about the last meeting. If this happens again stop right then and let them know you are leaving without making a big scene just smile and leave. I had a girl go down on my hubby knowing we always use condom and we were just started our playing I was busy up top with hubby and when I realized what she had done and of course he pushed her up off of him but I felt very betrayed,so we all understand how you feel. Happy swinging to you both and keep close to this site as they are all very nice people here!!!!!!

[Texasfuncouple]

I agree with LFM2 on this, but would go on to say:

It may have been, they understood your boundaries but figured since you were new those boundaries may not be to firm. It is unfortunate, but some couples in the lifestyle take on the persona of a 21 year old male at a bar. They can say all the right things and behave perfectly, but that does not mean their intentions are totally pure. They may be avoiding you becauses, just like the jerk at the bar, when they did not get what they want they are moving on.

As a new couple you did everything EXACTLY RIGHT! Please do not let a "bad apple" couple deprive you from moving forward in this fantastic journey you have started. I would avoid their feedback like the plague! If they failed so miserably in the act, I would not expect them to be fountains of wisdom now.

You already have fantastic feedback. You know you are better at "this swinging stuff" then the experienced couple you met!

~Texasfun

[LFM2]

BTW... Welcome to the board!! What a great place you've found that can answer a lot of your questions. Most people here give out the best advice. I hope to see you post more!!

[JustAskJulie]

First off, Welcome to the board. Second - YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. So before you think anything else, just please know that. The other couple was very much in the wrong here and it is my guess that the entire time they were saying "yes yes we understand your boundaries and will abide by them" they had no intention of doing so. They had every hope that they could push you past your boundaries - as someone earlier said "like a 21 year old at a bar"... or better yet a teenage boy. And now that they know they can't get what they want they are done. And probably even if they had gotten what they wanted they probably would be gone as well from the sounds of it.

[virgincouple22]

They wrote back "it would've been more fun if what wasn't allowed was allowed." So I guess we were right about them. They knew what we wanted and didn't want but figured they'd still hook up with us hoping to change that . Oh well...moving on...next couple please

[sweet_tna]

Welcome to the board. I concur with what the others said, that you did NOTHING wrong, and that the other couple was disrespectful to knowingly push the limits that you set forth. I'm happy to see that you're keeping a positive attitude. That's a very helpful thing in the lifestlye.

=)

[BCinIN]

Originally Posted by virgincouple22

They wrote back "it would've been more fun if what wasn't allowed was allowed." So I guess we were right about them. They knew what we wanted and didn't want but figured they'd still hook up with us hoping to change that . Oh well...moving on...next couple please

Exactly what I figured upon reading your first post above. As a side note, it's a good thing you didn't let them push you past your boundaries--doing that can cause a lot of intra-marriage problems later...

You, like others have said, did all you could do by letting them know what the deal was ahead of time--I wonder if "coaxing people past their limits" is the other couple's sort of fantasy? Who knows...at any rate, good luck in the future. There are plenty of couples out there that will be very careful (and delighted) to abide by any rules laid down.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by virgincouple22

They wrote back "it would've been more fun if what wasn't allowed was allowed." So I guess we were right about them. They knew what we wanted and didn't want but figured they'd still hook up with us hoping to change that . Oh well...moving on...next couple please

were it me, they'd be getting a pretty nasty response back to the affect that they KNEW up front what was and was not allowed and they had the opportunity to say no thank you upfront rather than allow themselves to be dissapointed.

Better that they be dissapointed than you guys be dissapointed in yourselves for doing something you weren't ready for.

What jerks.

[virgincouple22]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

were it me, they'd be getting a pretty nasty response back to the affect that they KNEW up front what was and was not allowed and they had the opportunity to say no thank you upfront rather than allow themselves to be dissapointed.

Better that they be dissapointed than you guys be dissapointed in yourselves for doing something you weren't ready for.

What jerks.

Yea that's pretty much what I told them...nicely. That we CLEARLY stated what we were looking for and what we did not want but they chose to go with it saying they'd respect out "rules" anyway.
Then I get a PM from someone on here saying "sorry for saying this but if you dont want to get wet dont go nead the water...
sorry to be so blunt but so many rules when the horny is on...."

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by virgincouple22

Yea that's pretty much what I told them...nicely. That we CLEARLY stated what we were looking for and what we did not want but they chose to go with it saying they'd respect out "rules" anyway.
Then I get a PM from someone on here saying "sorry for saying this but if you dont want to get wet dont go nead the water...
sorry to be so blunt but so many rules when the horny is on...."

Well, I guess you know not to play with that person.

Most people will be respectful enough of you to either say "thank but no, your boundaries don't fit for us" or if they are going to go ahead and play with you to respect them (as they said they would). There are assholes out there and that's where you have to learn to just get up and walk away... as you said... Next!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by virgincouple22

...Then I get a PM from someone on here saying "sorry for saying this but if you dont want to get wet dont go nead the water...

sorry to be so blunt but so many rules when the horny is on...."

Do you mean someone from the Swingers Board sent that PM?

Sheesh!...they didn't even have the moxie to post in this thread. If they had posted, they knew SB members would have given them a piece of their mind.


You did everything right with the couple you played with. They didn't respect your clearly set boundaries. Kudos to you for handling yourselves so well!

I hope you will become active members of the Board.



LM

[lovelygirl2]

We tend to turn down couples for a meet if their profile lists a bunch of rules that we know we're going to have trouble following. We have so little available time for play that we'd rather be able to be in the moment then try to remember what we can and can't do.

That said, I think you just learn from the experience and move on. The couple was completely in the wrong and showed themselves to be the type of people who's opinion shouldn't hold much weight. You WILL meet great people in the lifestyle. There are so many couples out there that everyone can find someone that fits what they are looking for.

[Ellyanne77]

We are totally new to this as well and had our own rules as well.
You need to remember this is supposed to be fun...something to add spice to your already wonderful life and relationship!! Don't stress over the bad first encounter and hopefully it will not turn you off from all of this because although I don't think it's for everyone I do think its wonderful!!!
As for the pm that was rude and I'm sorry you got that.

I agree with what others have said...if the rules are broken you should have no regrets walking out. This is for you both!! Enjoy it the way you want to enjoy it.