Swinger friends got upset because we talked to "vanilla" friends about the lifestyle

[tinker760]

Ok, I’ll make this as to the point as I can. There is this couple that we have played with and have become good friends. Lets name them Joe and Jane. We've been to Joe and Jane’s house many times for vanilla and non-vanilla get togethers. We met one of Joe and Jane’s vanilla friends who seem not so vanilla, and have talked about it with Joe and Jane as to if the friends were swingers or not. All 4 of us agreed that they may be. At a party with Joe and Jane and the vanilla couple Mr. Tinker decides to ask Mrs. Vanilla if they would like to partake in the lifestyle...since there was heavy flirting between Mr. Tinker and Mrs. Vanilla, Mrs. Tinker and Mrs. Vanilla, Mrs. tinker and Mr. vanilla. Mrs. Vanilla admitted to having been in the lifestyle several years before, and are interested in getting to know us and seeing were things may lead.

Here is the dilemma....Joe got upset that Mr. Tinker was talking to Mrs. Vanilla about the lifestyle. Joe and Jane did not want the vanillas to know that they were in the lifestyle. Mr. tinker was careful not to indicate that they were involved in any way. Joe and Jane left the party early....and left us hanging..as we were suppose to go to there house and play after the party.

Were we wrong to talk to their friends about us being in the lifestyle? Or did Joe over react? We don't know whether to feel bad and apologize or let it go.

Any insight would be appreciated.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by tinker760

We met one of Joe and Jane’s vanilla friends who seem not so vanilla, and have talked about it with Joe and Jane as to if the friends were swingers or not. All 4 of us agreed that they may be.

When you first met Joe and Jane's vanilla friends was it just the six of you?

Originally Posted by tinker760

At a party with Joe and Jane and the vanilla couple Mr. Tinker decides to ask Mrs. Vanilla if they would like to partake in the lifestyle...Mrs. Vanilla admitted to having been in the lifestyle several years before, and are interested in getting to know us and seeing were things may lead.

What kind of party was this? How many people attended and what was the focus of the gathering? Did you feel there were other people there who may be swingers too, or mostly vanilla?

Originally Posted by tinker760

Here is the dilemma....Joe got upset that Mr. Tinker was talking to Mrs. Vanilla about the lifestyle. Joe and Jane did not want the vanillas to know that they were in the lifestyle. Mr. tinker was careful not to indicate that they were involved in any way. Joe and Jane left the party early....and left us hanging..as we were suppose to go to there house and play after the party.

Were we wrong to talk to their friends about us being in the lifestyle? Or did Joe over react? We don't know whether to feel bad and apologize or let it go.

Any insight would be appreciated.

This is something we've never come upon, but it feels like it would need to be handled with extra care. My advice will depend on the answers to my questions.

I can think of a number of reasons why Joe and Jane would be upset.

LM

[tinker760]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

When you first met Joe and Jane's vanilla friends was it just the six of you?It was the six of us and a single male, vanilla party.

What kind of party was this? How many people attended and what was the focus of the gathering? Did you feel there were other people there who may be swingers too, or mostly vanilla? This was new years eve party. There was one other couple who were friends of the Vanillas who were openly nudist.

This is something we've never come upon, but it feels like it would need to be handled with extra care. My advice will depend on the answers to my questions.

I can think of a number of reasons why Joe and Jane would be upset.

LM

responses are above

[TNT]

Originally Posted by tinker760

Were we wrong to talk to their friends about us being in the lifestyle?

No, I don't think you were necessarily wrong...if it was a vanilla party with other vanilla people around it's possible that you could have picked a better time. Maybe inviting Mr. & Mrs. Vanilla out to dinner with ya'll one night and discussing it then, without other people around, would have been better.

Or did Joe over react?

Maybe...there's that whole thing about guilt by association. Since these were friends of their's that they didn't want to know they were swingers, he's probably thinking that they will put two and two together.

We don't know whether to feel bad and apologize or let it go.

If it would make you two feel better, call them and apologize, being sure to let them know that you in no way made any indications to their friends that they were swingers.


Teresa

[SCcpl40]

Not knowing but one side of the story and just going on the details of the post, if you're good friends with one couple, we'll assume you know their likes and dislikes. If your friends never expressed their discreet wish to you when the topic of the couple was up for discussion, we don't feel you did anything wrong, however loyalty to friends should always be paramount in any situation. Our friends have overdraft protection in our emotional back account, and we'll always seek to resolve and understand to keep our friendships. Give Joe a call, as Dr. Phil always reply's, " Someone has got to be the hero of the relationship."

[Miss_Piggy]

I can see Joe's worry that Mr and Mrs Vanilla will assume he and Jane are swingers. I don't think it's cause for much reaction though. It's not like the Vanillas have actually made such a suggestion. Joe is just worrying about it.

Do you think he's also just a little irritated on some other levels? Perhaps he and Jane had also been interested in Mr and Mrs Vanilla and he's feeling like you're moving in on his territory. Or, perhaps he's feeling weird about you and and Mr Tinker looking for others when you are planning to head over to their place later. I realise that I'm suggesting the possibility of some jealousy which would certainly be an unwelcome emotion; however, it's not unheard of.

[fun4Ds]

[quote=tinker760;300958]

Ok, I’ll make this as to the point as I can. There is this couple that we have played with and have become good friends. Lets name them Joe and Jane. We've been to Joe and Jane’s house many times for vanilla and non-vanilla get togethers. We met one of Joe and Jane’s vanilla friends who seem not so vanilla, and have talked about it with Joe and Jane as to if the friends were swingers or not. All 4 of us agreed that they may be.

sounds like you all know each other pretty well as friends to this point, and on the same page as open swingers in the lifestyle. sure sounds like a good party so far this would have been a good time for Joe and Jane to let you know that even if they are(the vanillas) in the lifestyle, they don't want the vanillas to know about them.

At a party with Joe and Jane and the vanilla couple Mr. Tinker decides to ask Mrs. Vanilla if they would like to partake in the lifestyle...since there was heavy flirting between Mr. Tinker and Mrs. Vanilla, Mrs. Tinker and Mrs. Vanilla, Mrs. tinker and Mr. vanilla. Mrs. Vanilla admitted to having been in the lifestyle several years before, and are interested in getting to know us and seeing were things may lead.

so now the cats out of the bag but, i cant imagine this not being a good thing for everyone

Here is the dilemma....Joe got upset that Mr. Tinker was talking to Mrs. Vanilla about the lifestyle.

I'm wondering, how upset is Joe now? i mean up and leaving you (with them?)

hell, we have been intercepted before by other playmates, but we just look at it like, dumbed our luck maybe next time. we wouldn't pack up and leave because someone was interested in our potential playmates. we have never felt anyone was ours first

Joe and Jane did not want the vanillas to know that they were in the lifestyle. Mr. tinker was careful not to indicate that they were involved in any way.

this is where I'm wondering, do Joe or Jane work with the vanillas? why or how would you not have known that Joe and Jane didn't want the vanillas to know about them? did you knot know at this point? or were they just so hot you let the cat out of the bag accidentaly?

Were we wrong to talk to their friends about us being in the lifestyle?

maybe so, could you have contacted them later?

Or did Joe over react?

to some point i think yes, but it would depend if (you) knew that Joe and Jane did not want the vanillas to know about them before this get together.

[JustAskJulie]

I agree with a few of the comments from above. It may not have been the best timing on your part, but I also think the issue for Joe & Jane may have been that
a) you were there "with" them and hitting on someone else
b) that maybe they were interested in this other couple and are jealous that you beat them to the punch

[LikeMinds321]

tinker760 ~

Thank you for answering my questions.

These were very intimate parties since there was only three couples at the first one and at the second on New Year's Eve there was only four couples.

It is because of Joe and Jane that you have met these other couples. And whether they ever told you they wanted their swinging kept private or not, it should always be presumed they do. You understand this and did not leak any informaton. That's good.

The problem I see with small "vanilla" parties where half the people are swingers is that even when you don't say a thing about swinging, the people around you can often sense that the people at the party may swing...and who with. I wouldn't be surprised if Joe and Jane may be swinging with everyone they introduced you to, but are being very careful about discretion.

You described the flirting with M/M Vanilla as "heavy" and maybe it wasn't appropriate based on the interactions among the rest of the people there.

You had made prior plans to leave the party and play with Joe and Jane and they may have felt your lack of attention to them (if this was the case) was rude considering you were all going to play that night.

I don't think you should have brought up swinging at the party. It would be my preference to exchange email addresses or phone numbers with people, get in touch later, set up a date for just the four of us and that is when we would bring up swinging.

Joe and Jane are obviously great friends and I think you should try to work this issue out. You know every detail of your relationship thus far so you can make the best decision on what to do from here.

I hope it turns out good for all or you.

Let us know.

LM

[sweet_tna]

Hmmm . . . tricky situation here. You'd already discussed with Joe and Jane the possibility that Mr. and Mrs. Vanilla might not be so vanilla. Joe and Jane didn't make it clear at this point that they didn't want the Vanillas to know about them (based of what you've said here). And you said you were careful not to bring them into your discussions with the Vanillas, so I'm of the opinion this was more a "party foul"--doing something on impulse without thinking things through.

I agree with LM that the timing of the flirting and the discussion with the Vanillas was probably ill-timed (especially since you were supposed to be playing with Joe & Jane later).

So give Joe & Jane a call and try to sort things out. Best of luck to you.

[ktownkrazy]

Hello, Mr. KtKrazy here. it's a classic case of "we seen them first". surely you see this. nothing is more upsetting than when you see something you want, you have plans and ideas about how to go about it and someone beats you to the punch. we have had the same thing happen to us. we went out with one of my wifes friends one night when we all met this beautiful bi girl. my wife was all over her but so was her friend. just when we were about to ask her back to our place my wifes friend and this girl take off together. yes, we were mad. clearly our friend did nothing wrong but we were still disapointed at the way things went down. it's human nature i guess. but i would let it blow over if i were you. if they're reasonable people then they will see that the problem was thiers not yours.