Feeling insecure about boyfriend's past playmates

[luvhotchoc]

My boyfriend and I met each other through swinging, we were both singles before. Now we're a couple. We've decided to keep swinging together, but I've not really done it as a couple before, and I'm still pretty new to swinging in general...about six months. He still gets requests from some couples who he played with before we met. Most of the time I'm not interested though, because I only like black men. But I wouldn't mind him playing with the wife again, if we had another man there that I was attracted to.

Anyway, recently another couple emailed us and asked him if he'd want to play and would be willing to share me...she is bi and wanted to play with us both. That I don't mind, mostly, even though I'm straight, I'd still participate in a threesome...however, I feel really intimidated by this woman...(not directly, she seems nice) but she is drop dead gorgeous with a body to die for. I'm short and thicker and even though most of the time I have a lot of confidence and know that I'm sexy, being put next to someone who looks like her makes me feel so nervous.

My boyfriend really would like to play with her again, and I'd like to let him, but how do I get over this insecurity about his past playmates? Do you think we should just talk about it and maybe the best decision would be to not play with people we played with as singles before? I don't know if that's the best decision either, because I think it would be selfish of me...my boyfriend is the kindest, most gentlemanly man and a very good lover as well, so he's made a lot of friends and networking in the lifestyle, and I think it'd be silly of me to deny him of those friends. He's been doing it longer than me, a couple of years, so he knows a lot of people from various events he's been to.

I don't know how to get over this. I'm working hard to get myself in better shape, but he tells me all the time he loves me just how I am, don't lose weight, etc, so I feel pretty sure that he loves me how I am, but still. I can't help but worry that maybe he might like that (thinner women) better. Do other female swingers run into this? Feeling insecure next to someone you feel is significantly more attractive than you?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by luvhotchoc

...Anyway, recently another couple emailed us and asked him if he'd want to play and would be willing to share me...she is bi and wanted to play with us both. That I don't mind, mostly, even though I'm straight, I'd still participate in a threesome...

Is this a couple he has played with in the past?

Your profile says you're only interested in black men. Is this a black man? I ask because you say you'd be willing to participate in a threesome and from what I'm gathering from your post you're talking about a FMF threesome. Is this correct?

You say you are straight and your profile mentions nothing about any interest in f/f play, so I'm wondering why you're even considering playing with her at all if you have no interest in f/f play. You didn't mention anything about playing with the man.

I am also wondering if this couple is more interested in your boyfriend than you (at this point) and if they know you're not interested in the man of this couple, then I'm concerned that the woman is mentioning FMF only to get more play in with your boyfriend.

What's in this arrangement for you? I get the feeling you're trying to talk yourself into doing something you're not comfortable with because you're feeling guilty and selfish about not wanting to say "yes" to your boyfriend and head out to swing with this woman (couple).

Playing with couples he's played with before would seem fine to me as long as you like the couples as much as he does. The dynamics have all changed now since you are no longer single swingers; you're now a couple.

I'd suggest you look at swinging as if you are starting out fresh - which, in a way, is what you are doing now that you're playing as a couple. If YOU are attracted to the couple, especially the male since you are straight, then meet the couples for dinner or drinks to get to know them. Don't set play dates, set up a time to get to know them, with no expectation of play.

I think as you get to know the couples he knows you'll feel better about yourself because you'll realize there is nothing to fear, since the "unkown" will fade as you get to know them. If there is a four-way click, you can take it from there.

Don't ever play with a person or couple because you think you should for your boyfriend. If he is as wonderful as you say, he will understand this basic principal of swinging.

LM

[luvhotchoc]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Is this a couple he has played with in the past?

Yes, it is

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Your profile says you're only interested in black men. Is this a black man? I ask because you say you'd be willing to participate in a threesome and from what I'm gathering from your post you're talking about a FMF threesome. Is this correct?

You say you are straight and your profile mentions nothing about any interest in f/f play, so I'm wondering why you're even considering playing with her at all if you have no interest in f/f play. You didn't mention anything about playing with the man.

No, the husband is not black. It was the wife who emailed, and she just asked if he willing to share and play. I was referring to a FMF, but moreso where the attention was directed on him...not really me and the girl playing. I can tolerate a little FF action, just not down to the nitty-gritty, lol. I don't mind some touching, fondling, or maybe a kiss. Ultimately tho for me it's about the magic stick!

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I am also wondering if this couple is more interested in your boyfriend than you (at this point) and if they know you're not interested in the man of this couple, then I'm concerned that the woman is mentioning FMF only to get more play in with your boyfriend.

I don't know about that with this couple, it seemed like she wants to play with both of us. But there has been another instance where a wife emailed and asked if she could play with him, while I watched. I told him no way! With this one tho, I think she is interested in me too. There hadn't yet been mention of the hubby. My bf said he is more of a watcher, and the times he played with her, he never joined in.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

What's in this arrangement for you? I get the feeling you're trying to talk yourself into doing something you're not comfortable with because you're feeling guilty and selfish about not wanting to say "yes" to your boyfriend and head out to swing with this woman (couple).

I guess the thing is I do find the woman attractive, even tho I'm straight, and I would like to see them together. I just don't want to feel like the odd one out...if it was a new person he hadn't been with before, I would be more secure. I feel insecure because of her physical looks, and because he's been with her before we met, apparently several times.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Playing with couples he's played with before would seem fine to me as long as you like the couples as much as he does. The dynamics have all changed now since you are no longer single swingers; you're now a couple.

I'd suggest you look at swinging as if you are starting out fresh - which, in a way, is what you are doing now that you're playing as a couple. If YOU are attracted to the couple, especially the male since you are straight, then meet the couples for dinner or drinks to get to know them. Don't set play dates, set up a time to get to know them, with no expectation of play.

I think as you get to know the couples he knows you'll feel better about yourself because you'll realize there is nothing to fear, since the "unkown" will fade as you get to know them. If there is a four-way click, you can take it from there.

Don't ever play with a person or couple because you think you should for your boyfriend. If he is as wonderful as you say, he will understand this basic principal of swinging.

LM

I really appreciate your taking the time to write out such a helpful response. I agree, meeting the couple for drinks/dinner with no expectation of play would probably go a long way toward making me feel comfortable with whatever situation we work out. I think for me, group or small party situations are easier than 2 on 2. Mainly because of the fact I'm straight, and only attracted to a particular race (just how I am, I've only been w/2 white guys in my life). It's been hard for us so far finding other interracial couples that we are both attracted to. I think that I will have to talk to him more about it and about how I feel. Right now he's out of the country, so while we did talk about it on the phone, it was brief. He'll be back next weekend so we'll just have to have a heart-to-heart. I know that'll he'll respect what I am feeling, I think that we just have to take things slow and right now swinging should come second...after all we're still new together and need to cement things so we have a good solid relationship.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by luvhotchoc

He'll be back next weekend so we'll just have to have a heart-to-heart. I know that'll he'll respect what I am feeling, I think that we just have to take things slow and right now swinging should come second...after all we're still new together and need to cement things so we have a good solid relationship.

You're wise to realize that the newness of your relationship does play a role in how you're feeling about swinging as a couple .

I feel confident that you'll have a great heart-to-heart talk when he returns
and you will feel better for doing so.

Best wishes to you both. Please keep us posted on your progress.

LM

[swingcouple69]

WOW~ LikeMinds always seems to know the right questions to ask to get people think. AWESOME advice for anyone!