Mixed Signals

[acdg]

Hello All, We have been swinging for about 2 years now and have the agreement to just soft swing and on premises activities or Here Clubs.

My wife says that even though we agreed on the soft swing if she meets the Right man of the pair she is worried she will lose control and do more than soft. Other times she wants to bull back to just watching and playing just between us. I do not want to push her but her confusion is really difficult to deal with.

How should I deal with this confusion or help her to cope or come to a decision.

Chris

[Tybee Swing]

If her preferences of how far to go are related to how she feels about the partners you two are with, I don't see this as confusion, but rather as selective preference. She says that with the "right" guy, she may want to go further. With the majority, it sounds like she doesn't want to have intercourse with them.

[acdg]

Yes I can understand that however it is the part that we only agree on soft swinging. If she finds the right one how do we set our Game Rules before we go to a club? Or do we renegotiate the game rules for each situation?

[NandT]

I think this is rather common with many of us. Being that it can be a new situation, regardless of how long we've been swinging, sometimes we vaccilate between wanting more and wanting less. This can be foreign territory for a lot of us, and there are no hard and fast "rules" that are to be followed.

There are times when my wife is very receptive to the swinging situation (we've only done soft-swinging) and other times when she doesn't want to at all. Indeed I have felt the same way on occasion. There have been times when I am totally consumed by the experience and cannot wait for more, and other times when I've felt like I just didn't care if anything happened or not. Also we have been swinging with just one couple now for six months so it isn't a question of preference.

Try not to be confused and take the pressure off. I think if you talk to her and let her decide what she wants to do and just go with the flow, that things will be a lot more enjoyable. No set agenda, no expectations. Although her concern about her losing control is valid, I think if you discuss it ahead of time and if that's what she really wants to avoid then you should be able to step in and help control what does and doesn't happen. You also need to discuss this with your potential swingers so they know what's going on and don't get mixed signals from you guys!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by acdg

Yes I can understand that however it is the part that we only agree on soft swinging. If she finds the right one how do we set our Game Rules before we go to a club? Or do we renegotiate the game rules for each situation?

Are you the one who is more against moving toward full swap? I'm getting the feeling that that is your concern; she may want to, but you don't. Maybe you can elaborate on your feelings here.

I think it is a very good thing that your wife has told you that she may want to go further than soft swinging should she feel comfortable doing so. This says to me that she is being truthful with you, sharing what's on her mind, and is looking ahead to what could occur. I believe having foresight is very important in swinging. Couples should consider that their "game rules" or guidelines can change with the next couple they meet. I also think that being flexible - to a degree - keeps swinging more natural, open, realistic and enjoyable.

You can't predict what a visit to a club will bring. You may find yourselves meeting a couple who you both click with in such a way that the doors open to new adventures.

I think at this point it would be good for you to talk with your wife about your feelings on full swap and intercourse with your partners. If you are completely against this at this time, let her know. But also try to figure out why you are, if you are.

If you and your wife decide that you would consider full swap with the right couple, figure out a way to keep in touch with your thoughts on this during your time at the club. Find time to be together alone when you can touch base and talk.

You've been swinging two years now and it wouldn't be unnatural to consider moving to full swap. When your wife says she fears "loosing control" I wonder if she is most worried about how you will react to her interest in having intercourse with other men. Which to me says she is giving great consideration to your feelings and comfort level.

LM

[iapr]

I agree with tybee swing, I don't think there is any confusion or mixed signals taking place here but rather she is evolving in her comfort level with swinging and is recognizing that at different times there is a different level of interest. I think that is a natural and normal progression in swinging. Rules change and evolve as you become more comfortable and more in touch with your feelings as they pertaine to swinging.

Just to give an example, when we were at the point you two are now we completely reexamined all of our rules and came up with the following. - We won't do anything with others that we have no interest in under any circumstances such as fisting, BD/SM, water sports etc etc

- We only play together

-Condoms for intercourse with others 100% of the time.

Everything else is up to the mood at that moment and our level of attraction, chemistry and comfort with the people involved. Sometimes the chemistry is right to full swap, sometimes it's just soft swing and sometimes we just play with each other and watch. It is all up to the mood of the moment.

When we are on our way to to party or to meet someone we always ask each other how we "feel" sometimes we are in the mood to get naked and get down to business. Other times one or the other of us is in the mood to dance and socialize and such but really has no interest in playing at all. And most of the time we are in the mood to just go and have fun and see what happens.

That is what works for us, you will need to come up with your own game plan.
I would recommend having an open and honest discussion and discuss your comfort levels and which rules still apply and which ones don't.

The time you DON"T want to be having this discussion is when she is on her back with her legs spread and has some dashing stud's hard cock in her hand and he is getting ready to climb on her. That is not the time for her to be asking if she can go from soft swing to full swap.

It is ok to agree that full swap is a possibility at some point if all the conditions are right and it is ok to agree that sometimes you just want to soft swing or just to watch. The important thing is that the agreement is made before the alcohol and hormones start flowing.

[lovinher]

So what happens if you find the right woman and lose control?

[JustAskJulie]

As others said, I think the issue comes down to how you both came about the agreement to Soft swing only. Was it both of you? Or is it more you pushing for the soft-swinging only? If you are both ok with the idea of advancing things further with the right person/people then I would suggest that you leave the rules as they are for now (soft swing only) then when you find a person/couple that one of you feels would be good to advance with then you talk about it. If she is worried that she can't control herself that is another issue that needs to be dealt with. Is she worried that you would not be ok with going further than soft-swinging and this is her way of telling you that she wants to? Is she thinking that perhaps asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission?

[acdg]

Thanks for all of the good input to my question. You have all given me a lot of food for thought.

As for me loosing control I sort of doubt it but hey I am only human.

We are in the majority of the nights that we go out really in the mood to have some fun so I guess the tip From IAPR fits the bill.

To reply to Julie we set the soft swing Rule after about a year of gong to clubs together, almost a year ago, possibly the time has come to reevaluate our rules.

[HiMileageJim]

We never started out with soft swing only. With us, we both had to agree that we were going to have sex. Mostly we played as a couple doing full swaps and an occasional house party where we agreed we each could do whatever we wanted. When meeting other couples, sometimes the husband would appeal to my wife but this wife didn't interest me as a playmate. After we had been in the lifestyle a while and got comfortable with each other playing with other people we would agree at the time whether just one of us would have sex. All couples are different and my wife is very attractive and very seductive so a lot of men wanted to be with her. If she really wanted to have sex with the husband and I didn't care about his wife we would agree and she and the husband got it on. Sometimes it worked the other way and my wife wasn't interested in the husband but his wife appealed to me. Communication and honesty with each other is the key to no drama and a lot of erotic fun.

[twohots4u2]

The first time we went to a swing club we agreed to soft swing only, no penetration. It was very exciting and stimulating with all the other couples having sex around us. Soon, we were involved with another couple, but they did not speak English. After rubbing and playing with each other, with the other guy going down on my gal for a while, my gal's legs were spread wide. The guy started to move up, bareback hard dick in hand, to fuck her. My gal looked at me with alarm in her eyes and I stopped him with hand signals. The next couple we played with that night understood English and everything was OK.

After talking for three weeks about the very stimulating time we had, we returned to the club for another evening. We set the same ground rules as before, soft swap only, no penetration. This time, however, we found ourselves playing with a couple that we really enjoyed. After about a half hour of oral sex that made my gal cum hard, the guy started to move up on her pussy, hard, condom covered dick in hand. My gal looked at me and raised her eyebrows as if to ask, "OK?" A thousand thoughts went through my mind in an instant, but I love and trust her so I nodded, "OK." She reached down and pulled him up to her; he shoved his dick in her; and we have not looked back or regretted it since.

Crossing that bridge was probably one of the most exciting times we have had in swinging.

Perhaps it will be for you too!

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by acdg

Hello All, We have been swinging for about 2 years now and have the agreement to just soft swing and on premises activities or Here Clubs.

My wife says that even though we agreed on the soft swing if she meets the Right man of the pair she is worried she will lose control and do more than soft. Other times she wants to bull back to just watching and playing just between us. I do not want to push her but her confusion is really difficult to deal with.

How should I deal with this confusion or help her to cope or come to a decision.

Chris

Hello Chris,

First off, we all can only assume that you and your wife have since discussed this further.. If you havent, DO!

Have a game plan with a set of rules.. You have to set whats in and whats out of bounds.. For you BOTH.. We can't answer the tough questions only you both can. If you are the one opposed to kicking it up to the next level, thats fine.. If its her, thats fine too... But be clear in how You feel about it, and know how she feels about it too..

One of the worst things that can be done in any situation is leaving something un said..

Suppose you are at your regular club, and a couple that is like, Brad and Angelina walk up to you both.. looking for an evening of so much more.. Are you prepared, Mentally, Emotionally.. Or would you need to excuse yourselves to discuss the ground rules first?

See where I am going... No one wants to be in the moment and have the mystical refree step out of the shadows to blow the whistle and call delay of game.. or worse throw the penalty flag for personal foul - BUZZ KILL