Cheating and Swinging

[Latincouple42]

I need some relationship advice. We have been swingers for about 5 years. I have always encouraged to play with any one she wants even alone as long as she tells me all the dirty details after. She has never done it by herself atleast that I know about but it has been a long standing fantasy.Well I was on a recent business trip and found out she cheated on me in my own house. I know becuase I was monitoring her email. She doesnt know I know but I dont know what to do about it. I love her to death but now I know I cant trust her so what is the point of continuing this 6 yr marriage.
What do I do?

[ShellyM]

Okay. Number one, before you contact the divorce lawyer perhaps you need to get her side of the story. There are always 2 sides to every story. I think you are bringing up divorce rather quickly, even before she has a chance to explain. I am NOT taking her side or saying that she is in the right. However. You say from JUMP that you have ENCOURAGED her to play even alone. I can see how she would think that you would not have an issue with that. I don't know you and I'm not a counselor so I'm only going by how I interpret your post. If Jay always told me that he has no issues with me playing with him not there I would not see any problem with playing with a man when he is out of town. The first thing you need to do is calm down; confronting her while angry will only cause her immediately to jump to the defensive and a huge fight will ensue. Again, I'm not saying she is right; however, I can see how perhaps she mis-understood your permission from what you have said. When you are calm sit down with her. Explain to her that you know what is going on. Personally I would be pissed that you monitored my emails; this tells me that you had trust issues to begin with. If Jay were monitoring my emails like I was a 7 year old little girl I would get ticked off to begin with. He knows all of my IDs and passwords and of course has leave to go in them as he chooses; however, I would not be pleased if I thought he were "monitoring" me. Anyways, thats another issue. If after you and your wife talk and you feel that trust is no longer there I would suggest you seek marital counseling. Actually, I think marital counseling is in order for you whether or not you continue in the relationship. Best of luck to you.

[djjwp]

If you push, she will shove back, No 1, get out of her e-mail! I had to learn that the hard way and lost my first wife. No 2, She has done what you gave her permission to do and if you stay calm and open up to her, she may let you in, she is probably scared to tell you she got up the nerve to do it and now she has to figure out how she feels. Take you time and be her friend and she will feel safe to tell you. If you push the issue at all, she will balk like anyone would, if she ever finds out you watched her e-mail, you are toast! Don't get in a hurry and mess up what could be the beginning of a really great relationship.

[Reef99]

Originally Posted by djjwp

If you push, she will shove back, No 1, get out of her e-mail! I had to learn that the hard way and lost my first wife. No 2, She has done what you gave her permission to do and if you stay calm and open up to her, she may let you in, she is probably scared to tell you she got up the nerve to do it and now she has to figure out how she feels. Take you time and be her friend and she will feel safe to tell you. If you push the issue at all, she will balk like anyone would, if she ever finds out you watched her e-mail, you are toast! Don't get in a hurry and mess up what could be the beginning of a really great relationship.

I agree completely!

[fun4Ds]

was the person at your house a previous playmate? or a stranger?

you say you have been swinging 5 years.

[Nudesailing]

You are not upset that she had sex without you, you are upset that she didnt tell you and you feel like that is cheating. As said in the above posts, talk to her and get the whole story before doing anything drastic and then seek some help by counseling. Dont throw away a long relationship without knowing and trying everything to hold it together.

[VegasLee]

You know you can't trust her. Hopefully she will also see that she can not trust you. You are not treating her like your wife, your treating her like a child. Not sure that is even correct, I don't monitor my child's email either. I have trust them and don't run around checking up on them.

You two need to sit face to face and discuss this. You both need to come clean about what you have done to each other.

This lifestyle is about sex but it is also about being able to have complete trust in each other and you both seem to be proving that is not there in your relationship.

You also be jumping to get out of the relationship very fast here yet you state you love her to death. Think you need to get a better handle on your feelings and thoughts since they are very mixed.

Good luck to you but only the two of you are going to be able to make this right. Nothing any of us say is going to fix this.

[undercovercpl]

Im confused. you say you just now don't trust her but yet you've been monitoring her email?? First you need to get out of her email. Second you need to sit down and have a grown adult conversation. In this lifestyle communication is key! Hear her side of things and see what the deal is before you start jumping to conclusions...

[sweet_tna]

I need some relationship advice. We have been swingers for about 5 years. I have always encouraged to play with any one she wants even alone as long as she tells me all the dirty details after. She has never done it by herself atleast that I know about but it has been a long standing fantasy.Well I was on a recent business trip and found out she cheated on me in my own house.

How is this cheating? You two agreed that her playing without you was okay. If it's because she didn't tell you about it, then I can see why that might be a problem. So TALK to her. Find out why she didn't tell you. It could be a simple misunderstanding, which doesn't seem worth tossing a six-year marriage over.

I know becuase I was monitoring her email. She doesnt know I know but I dont know what to do about it. I love her to death but now I know I cant trust her so what is the point of continuing this 6 yr marriage.
What do I do?

No offense, but it sounds like you have some serious trust issues. WHY would you monitor her email otherwise? Granted, if she intentionally did this without your knowledge and consent she's in the wrong too. But two wrongs don't make a right.

Ya'll need to sit down and TALK this out. Don't be surprised if she's hurt/angry that you've been "monitoring" her.

I'm also concerned that you're so quick to suggest jumping out of the marriage. Take a deep breath, think about how you REALLY feel about her, and about the situation. Then TALK to her.

Best of luck to ya'll.

[Latincouple42]

I am very much appreciating the feedback here as I really need it. I also agree I shouldnt be checking her email but this is a pretty small relationship violation compared to screwing a stranger in your own home. For the record I wouldnt have had a problem it with it if she told me about it but swinger or no swinger you have to agree this was cheating. I do love her but and I want to talk to her about it but I know she is going to be more concerned that I checked her email and take away from the fact that she just fucked some loser in my house. Some of the details that I left out is that apparently this scum bag who I have never met (she met him on Myspace) ran up a tab at the club where they met and actually made her pay.
I travel all the time but I have never cheated on her because as a swinger I can never figure out why anyone would cheat when you have it made like that.

[sexcupid]

First off, we do not have to agree with anything...you are welcome to your opinion of the situation as you see fit.

Secondly, you really do need to approach your wife about this, the longer you wait the more pissed off you can make yourself. Do try not to attack...just more of a 'There are clues that you had someone over while I was gone...want to tell me about it?' should be sufficient to start things.

What were the stipulations for playing alone? Are you to be told before it happens or is it something that is to be brought up after the fact (like my ex-hubby...he loved to hear stories while we had sex...so he didn't know about it before I planned something, but was privy to all the details afterwards)?

You can't in the same stroke be ok with playing separately but then get pissed about her having a playmate over while you are gone. Is it because you were out of town? What precisely are the prerequisites for playing on your own; do you have to meet and approve of the playmate, restrictions on where/when, we need more details.

Or are you saying that you only go to events together and that is the only time separate play is 'allowed'...please elaborate before I can give a better answer.

Maria

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Latincouple42

I am very much appreciating the feedback here as I really need it. I also agree I shouldnt be checking her email but this is a pretty small relationship violation compared to screwing a stranger in your own home. For the record I wouldnt have had a problem it with it if she told me about it but swinger or no swinger you have to agree this was cheating. I do love her but and I want to talk to her about it but I know she is going to be more concerned that I checked her email and take away from the fact that she just fucked some loser in my house. Some of the details that I left out is that apparently this scum bag who I have never met (she met him on Myspace) ran up a tab at the club where they met and actually made her pay.
I travel all the time but I have never cheated on her because as a swinger I can never figure out why anyone would cheat when you have it made like that.

I see your point. But I'm sorry, I see this as a mis-understanding (albeit a huge mis-understanding) and not cheating. Now, I'm not saying this because she is a woman; I'm the first one in there to defend the men as quickly as I do the women. I'm sorry, but you said in your initial post that you ENCOURAGE her to play alone. Not just give permission, but you encourage it. That means you let her know that it is okay. I cannot tell you that I myself would not have assumed that it was okay. Now, would I have entertained a man without at least notifying Jay? No I would not. But I honestly feel that this was a screw up and not an affair. If she were sneaking behind your back she'd be at the no tell motel. I would never bring a man around my home where my neighbors can see if I'm sneaking. I don't know. I'm NOT saying you don't have the right to be upset. But we have all made mistakes. This is another reason why CLEAR communication is essential. Again, I'm sorry but I simply disagree that this is an affair or cheating. Now, if you had told her that you want to know about all men she is with prior or you only play together than yes, she went behind your back. But this is not what you said. You said that she was encouraged......and I think she understood that it would be no problem. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I also stand by the monitoring of the emails. This tells me that you have issues either with control or you didn't trust her prior to this incident. Just my opinion. I think you need to seek marital counseling and stop all swinging activity. And go from there. However, hold off on calling the divorce lawyer until you get her side and work through things.

[Latincouple42]

Shelly I defenitley appreciate that you care enough to try and help but I have to ask you. If the shoe was on the other foot and my wife told you this story about me and another woman would you still say it wasnt cheating?
Yes I agree with everyone checking email is pretty low and pathetic but she made me suspicious with the constant chatting and texting. What was I supposed to to? Anyway I am still not sure how to confront her with this but I know I have to for my own sanity.
Thank You so much for trying to help.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Latincouple42

Shelly I defenitley appreciate that you care enough to try and help but I have to ask you. If the shoe was on the other foot and my wife told you this story about me and another woman would you still say it wasnt cheating?

Yes I agree with everyone checking email is pretty low and pathetic but she made me suspicious with the constant chatting and texting. What was I supposed to to? Anyway I am still not sure how to confront her with this but I know I have to for my own sanity.
Thank You so much for trying to help.

You have asked me a fair question and I will tell you the truth. Yes, I would say the same thing. Read my post history, I fight as much for the men as I do for the women when I feel they are in the right. And again, I am NOT saying you do not have the right to feel hurt. What I am saying is I do not feel that it was an intentional affair. I think that it was a severe mis-understanding. Should you bring it up? Yes, immediately. Again, I don't know you. I am only going by what you said in your post. I just think that you cannot know what actually happened or what your wife was thinking unless you talk to her. You may talk to her and she says what we have said, that you had encouraged this and she just assumed that it was okay. A mistake, but in my opinion not cheating. But yes, if a wife said that she had encouraged her husband to play alone and he did and now she is pissed I would say the same thing. I only wish you the best, as does everyone here. I think all here would suggest that you talk with her, stop swinging until all of this is resolved, seek marital counseling and go from there. Take care and best to you.

[undercovercpl]

Originally Posted by Latincouple42

Shelly I defenitley appreciate that you care enough to try and help but I have to ask you. If the shoe was on the other foot and my wife told you this story about me and another woman would you still say it wasnt cheating?
Yes I agree with everyone checking email is pretty low and pathetic but she made me suspicious with the constant chatting and texting. What was I supposed to to? Anyway I am still not sure how to confront her with this but I know I have to for my own sanity.
Thank You so much for trying to help.

What are you supposed to do??? Communicate with her! if you cant just sit down and talk to her then you two need to work on communication first and foremost. sit her down and talk to her. Ask her if there is anything going on that she might want to talk to you about. Let her know you had been reading her emails and that even though you realize this wasnt the thing to do that you made the mistake and did and that now you want to know what is going on.