a double standard?

[brandi511]

So I'm bi and my husband is straight. It was my idea to get into swinging, but he was excited about the idea. I don't think we'll have any problems with jealousy or anything. I'm open to just about anything - encounters on our own, swaps, threesomes, foursomes - whatever. I told him he could go with other women as long as he told me in advance and was honest about it. He wants to be with other women, he says because I've been with more people than him befoe we got married. But - here's the annoying part. He doesn't want me to be with other people without him, until he's been with a few more girls and "catches up" to me. I think its a little odd, it doesn't bother me a whole lot or I would tell him. Its just kind of annoying. Here I know he's looking for girls to hook up with, but I can't??!! What would you do if you were me? This really isn't a problem, its not a big deal - I just want to see what other people think.

[safireblues]

You're saying 2 different things--either it is a problem or it isn't. There are no rules in open relationships, only those established by the particular couple. My husband has had significantly fewer partners than me (by half, probably) and if he had to "catch up first", that would take a mighty long time.

It could be something else...as in, he's using this to delay the process of you looking, knowing full well it could take him a while to "catch up" to you, considering not all that many single females are just out looking to randomly bone a married guy. Unless he's very rich or something.

Either way, a married guy playing on his own is usually turned down by any couple of quality (since it's hard to verify that he's being honest), so he's better off "using" you to meet couples for more experience. On his own, he's most likely toast. If he was a big cassanova in the first place, he wouldn't be worried about who got more ass while single.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by brandi511

He doesn't want me to be with other people without him, until he's been with a few more girls and "catches up" to me. I think its a little odd, it doesn't bother me a whole lot or I would tell him. Its just kind of annoying. Here I know he's looking for girls to hook up with, but I can't??!!

Hi Brandi,

I think he is keeping score with you, and that includes your past. If my husband was tallying and comparing our sex lives going all the way back to the dawn of time, I'd have to say, "Hey buddy, that is old water under the bridge. Ancient history doesn't count. This is about us, now, as a couple."

In my personal experience with men (in my past), as well as tons of women I know, men keep score when it comes to sex. Personally, I feel that when a couple embarks on swinging together, it's a new chapter of their lives. It's very important to be in sync with all decisions. You want to be informed and kept updated on any of the new contacts he's making (rightfully so). You are a team. If one of you gets to get way ahead of the other with swinging solo, while the other has to sit twiddling her thumbs watching the "score board" mount, that's just not cool. IMHO, you two need to be embarking on this simultaneously, or it's asking for trouble.

Why not ask him to read this thread, and engage him in the conversation? You're in the negotiation phase of newbie swinging - figuring out what your limits are (if any), and how all of this is going to work for you as a couple. Every couple has to work out their very own, personal set of "rules" that work for them both. If either of you are annoyed at any part of it, you both deserve to be heard. You both really should come to agreement on everything before moving forward. Not only agreement, but feeling comfortable (not at all annoyed) with how you're going to be swinging.

Originally Posted by brandi511

What would you do if you were me?

I'd tell him that our bed post notches before now are all ancient history and have nothing to do with our swinging as a couple. I'd tell him that this whole endeavor has nothing to do with keeping score or keeping up.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by brandi511

So I'm bi and my husband is straight. It was my idea to get into swinging, but he was excited about the idea. I don't think we'll have any problems with jealousy or anything. I'm open to just about anything - encounters on our own, swaps, threesomes, foursomes - whatever. I told him he could go with other women as long as he told me in advance and was honest about it. He wants to be with other women, he says because I've been with more people than him befoe we got married. But - here's the annoying part. He doesn't want me to be with other people without him, until he's been with a few more girls and "catches up" to me. I think its a little odd, it doesn't bother me a whole lot or I would tell him. Its just kind of annoying. Here I know he's looking for girls to hook up with, but I can't??!! What would you do if you were me? This really isn't a problem, its not a big deal - I just want to see what other people think.

I think essentially you 2 are doing good. You aren't jealous; you are saying hey, I'm in it for the bi experience mainly but I understand you have needs to so go for it......however, this is NOT a competition. Its not "you got yours 3 times now its my turn". Now yes, when you continually feel like you aren't getting yours and the other person is you can start to say "hey, I'd like to have fun too"...but we have seen couples literally in competition with each other. I think he needs to chill lol. I was a virgin when I met Jay so he has like HUNDREDS more boinks than me LOL.....its not about that. Its about having fun. So continue doing what you are doing, and I think he will relax once you start getting out there and having fun. Best of luck,

[MRnMSbhaven]

Originally Posted by brandi511

What would you do if you were me?

Me? Being the angry one in the relationship? I'd call party foul and game would be over. We simply don't play my turn your turn. We play together on equal footing or not at all.
That being said, I've had many more partners than he has (we're talking several hands worth of fingers) I'd be old and senile before he caught up!

Ms B

[good times]

I guess I will have to diverge from what others above have said, but I have to say I have no interest in an open relationship whatsoever, as I have yet to meet anyone in an open relationship that it worked out in the long run. Eventually, all the couples we have had experience with that were in an open relationship had problems. The root of those problems was usually when one (usually the woman) was getting a lot more action than the other was.

That is why we prefer swinging, and why our rule is, "we both play, or neither one of us plays".

We often say around here to go at the pace of the slowest partner. In this case that is him, and in my opinion, you need to accept his limits and play within his comfort zone. Whether you are ready to broaden your limits more than he is doesn't make any difference, he isn't comfortable going there, so you don't go there until he is. Keep in mind he may never be comfortable playing alone as much as you want, I know when we tried it we didn't like it, we immediately reinstated our rule when one of us became uncomfortable with it.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by brandi511

So I'm bi and my husband is straight. It was my idea to get into swinging, but he was excited about the idea. I don't think we'll have any problems with jealousy or anything. I'm open to just about anything - encounters on our own, swaps, threesomes, foursomes - whatever. I told him he could go with other women as long as he told me in advance and was honest about it. He wants to be with other women, he says because I've been with more people than him befoe we got married. But - here's the annoying part. He doesn't want me to be with other people without him, until he's been with a few more girls and "catches up" to me. I think its a little odd, it doesn't bother me a whole lot or I would tell him. Its just kind of annoying. Here I know he's looking for girls to hook up with, but I can't??!! What would you do if you were me? This really isn't a problem, its not a big deal - I just want to see what other people think.

Ok, so he's open to couples and threesomes with other women...but you can't play on your own until he gets a few more notches on his belt? How many? Is he wanting to evenly match you in number? I mean, maybe this is a passive-agressive way of 'getting back' at you for having more partners prior to the marriage. Who knows for sure without asking him why he feels this way.

Eh, I can't say that I would put up with that kind of restriction to be honest with you. We're either in or out...I mean, you may want to play together or not at all for a while...but he may still be tallying the score. You can't change the past (sheesh, if I tried to catch up to my sweetie...well, I'd have a revolving door installed and he wouldn't be getting any from me for a while lol), why try to make up for experiences he missed or didn't take earlier?

I agree with Tybee...this is a new chapter for you as a couple, not a competition.

Good luck,

Maria

[ShellyM]

Maria, I'm with you girl lol. If I tried to catch up to Jay in humping I'd be humping from here until I'm on Medicare non stop LOL. LOL, just kidding. Yes, Jay has alot of more experience than I do sexually. I simply don't think about it. So what if he has more sexual experience. I agree, its just not competition. We went out with one couple and he liked a lady there at the club; she looked at him and said "I bet you I get her before you do; and she did. She got her and the 2 guys the lady was with. And we sat there and watched. Its just not nice watching such competition.

[Tia Vampire]

You guys should be doing this as a couple, not keeping score on each others past.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

Maria, I'm with you girl lol. If I tried to catch up to Jay in humping I'd be humping from here until I'm on Medicare non stop LOL. LOL, just kidding. Yes, Jay has alot of more experience than I do sexually. I simply don't think about it. So what if he has more sexual experience. I agree, its just not competition. We went out with one couple and he liked a lady there at the club; she looked at him and said "I bet you I get her before you do; and she did. She got her and the 2 guys the lady was with. And we sat there and watched. Its just not nice watching such competition.

Shelly...hehehehe....poor Jeff would be on Medicare and then some by the time I caught up (if even then...and that's assuming he gets tired of the breeze from that revolving door and not getting any while I'm trying to catch up lmao).

You know...if that was a little game they played when they were out with each other...ok. But I can't see doing it if we were out with another couple or a group of folks. That's just me tho.

OP, honestly...I can't see giving my partner carte blanche and not getting the same in return. That does not appeal to my inner sense of fairness, nor do I think that many people could play this way without some resentment building up (whether it is expressed or not).

Maria

[fun4Ds]

But - here's the annoying part. He doesn't want me to be with other people without him, until he's been with a few more girls and "catches up" to me. I think its a little odd, it doesn't bother me a whole lot or I would tell him.

even if its something that doesent bother you much.... you need to tell him. again,swinging is about good communication between couples. i agree with others that what sex happened before your relationship, shouldnt be used between (us here and now together).that just sounds like bad ju ju to me. but,if your are indeed cool with this and it is just a few meaning 2-3 does fmf count? if so, then go with that. iv seen couples start out that way. but like good times said, there can be problems later. ya know, i have a feeling that if he does go with one time alone, ill bet that changes quickly. we dont play solo for different reasons,but none the less many find that solo is not the way to go after trying it.like us its together or not at all.

Its just kind of annoying. Here I know he's looking for girls to hook up with, but I can't??!! What would you do if you were me?

put in thoes words id say bullshit! what do ya do in the mean time? just sit there? if you can do that, your a better person than I.

This really isn't a problem, its not a big deal - I just want to see what other people think

.[/quote]

big or small it is a problem. this needs to be talked about. allot

[Alura]

Originally Posted by brandi511

So I'm bi and my husband is straight. It was my idea to get into swinging, but he was excited about the idea. I don't think we'll have any problems with jealousy or anything. I'm open to just about anything - encounters on our own, swaps, threesomes, foursomes - whatever. I told him he could go with other women as long as he told me in advance and was honest about it. He wants to be with other women, he says because I've been with more people than him befoe we got married. But - here's the annoying part. He doesn't want me to be with other people without him, until he's been with a few more girls and "catches up" to me. I think its a little odd, it doesn't bother me a whole lot or I would tell him. Its just kind of annoying. Here I know he's looking for girls to hook up with, but I can't??!! What would you do if you were me? This really isn't a problem, its not a big deal - I just want to see what other people think.

(I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if I duplicate others.)

I'm just a hick Okie, Brandi, but I'd say that couples should have the same rules. If you're to restrict yourself (as many couples, ourselves included, do) to encounters together, so should he.

I think the arrangement is not exactly what you'd like because you tell us twice that it's "annoying" and that "it doesn't matter," "it's not a big deal," and "isn't a problem." I think it is more annoying than you'd like to admit and that it is a bigger deal than you care to admit.

It would be a big deal with me and with Mrs. Alura. In fact, if we met a couple with such a one-sided swinging agreement, we'd likely decide to not become involved with them.

I hope it works out for y'all.

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321]

I doubt there are many - if any - couples who have had the same number of sexual partners before getting married. Because of this, the notion of "catching up" before venturing out to swing is absurd.

Possibly your husband has made this statement because he feels he may be inadequate with his swing partners next to you since you've had more experience? Maybe it's simply a matter of his male sexual ego speaking.

Talk with him about why he thinks he needs to get his black book of sexual partners filled to match your number before you're allowed to play.

I don't think his approach will work for either of you.

LM

[iapr]

Like the others, I see red flags here and I think it goes deeper than just a body count issue.

You say that you don't think jealousy would be an issue but I have to tell you that there are many forms of jealousy and he is already showing major signs of "male in the lifestyle" jealousy. The truth of the matter is no man in the lifestyle can match the sexual opportunities of a female in the lifesyle. If Brad Pitt and Rosie Odonnell were a couple, Rosie would completely blow Brad out of the water and Brad would be just another dreaded single male without her.

If he says he only wants to swing together as a couple that is fair and is a request that should be honored but if he is serious about this "catching up" thing, that is a bunch of crap. this should be something that you are in together as partners and you each benifit from it together as a couple.

He needs to realize that even if he is the most gorgeous, hunkish male and you are downright gross and discusting that at any party, club or event you will still get tons more attention and opportunity than he will.

If this is an issue for him now, he will be in for a major melt down once you actually become active in the lifestyle. If this is annoying you now, it will drive you crazy in very short order once the shit really starts to hit the fan. These are serious red flags that need to be worked out now before you go any further.

[ShellyM]

Yeah, you cannot do a body count. Its just bad mojo and leads to resentment. Again, thats just the way things are lol. When Jay and I met he had already done a tour in Korea...enough said for all who have been stationed in Korea LOL!! And I was innocent. Aaaah, to be young again.
Seriously though, its just not an issue.