Outed before we started

[AdamInEve]

As we stated before, we are just in the talking about the lifestyle stage but it seems we were outed before we even had the opportunity to get directly involved. It seems that our wonderful 19 year old son has been snooping through our room while we were away. He must have found info about the lifestyle because he told the neighbor who is in a bitter divorce with his wife who happens to be good friends with Eve.
The neighbor told his ex (Eve's friend) and is threatening her for being friends with swingers. Its a big mess.
We live in a small community and we are sure this will get out. The sad part is we haven't done anything other then read some info. The 19 year old is most likely on his way out but save that, what else can we do to handle this situation.
Adam / Eve

[sexcupid]

Well, first I would confront your son (19 or not) about his lack of respect for your privacy. First for 'snooping' and second for opening his mouth to anyone. Why on earth would he talk to one of your neighbors about something like that? Have you talked to the neighbor? If they are divorcing over an infidelity (possibly her's), he may think she was 'influenced' to look else where.

Not enough details here to make a sound judgement other than talking to your child about privacy, respect, and spreading gossip/rumors and the pain in can inflict (even if it is unintentional).

Good luck,

Maria

[AdamInEve]

Thanks Maria, I just can't understand why he would tell anyone either. I guess it is because he is not real thrilled with us right now (for reasons I don't have time to go into now) and sides are being drawn with the neighbor issues. Our son works with the neighbor on occasion and considers him a friend, but really he just tries to pump him for info. Our son doesn't understand that he is not his buddy.

Anyway, I just had a talk with our son and let him know that if he can't respect our privacy it may be time for him to leave. I did tell him that the books were mine and I was just reading them because a few friends I know are in the lifestyle and I just found it interesting (which is the truth). I also told him his mother had no knowledge about it (hope he bought that) and now he has dragged her into something she wasn't even a part of.

As for the neighbor thinking his wife was cheating. Yes, he always has thought that, but it was never the case. And you are right Maria, he now thinks she is playing with us. He is wacky and there is nothing I can do about his crazy thoughts and won't even confront him about them.

I guess I was wondering has anyone else ever been discovered and how did they handle it? Being from a small community this is bound to get out.

Thanks, Adam

[sweet_tna]

Sounds like you've handled it well so far. Not much else you can do but sit back and try to ignore whatever others might say to you. If he's known by others to have "crazy thoughts", then perhaps no one else will listen to his ravings.

Good luck,

~Mrs. Sweet =)

[sexcupid]

Well I am originally from a small community (Ironton, Ohio)...so I know how everyone seems to know everyone else's business. And that rumors spread like wildfire.

I think you may need to talk with the neighbor and try to set him straight (give him the same story you gave your son would probably be the best route)...but some people let their imagination run wild and nothing you can say will change their way of thinking. However, there are plenty of partners out there that accuse their spouses of the very things that they are doing because of misplaced guilt and projection...people like your neighbor would drive me nuts. lol

Is the son or the neighbor blabbing to others? Just deny, deny, deny....they have no proof but the words of a 19 year old.

Good luck

Maria

[SAMnTINA]

Best defense is a good offence, and the best way to answer people that say something is: “So we what. Remember if you do not make a big deal most others won’t ether. We went public on National TV, which resulted in a few people asking a few questions, no judgment. But when asked we said yes we do and it’s between us, if you have questions we will be happy to answer, but don’t judge us and we won’t judge you.

This big news is at least in South Florida no one really cared.

You should also add to your answer we were just curious and doing some research. If my husband (wife) and I are ok with it then it should not matter to you, unless you are curious as well.

Good luck but remember you have nothing to be ashamed of and looking at information on something does not make you guilty. So don’t let any one put you on the defensive.

Small minds will always think small things but that is their problem not yours.

[AdamInEve]

Thanks Sweet, I hope we have handled it OK.

Maria, So far it is just our son who has blabbed to the neighbor. Although who else he may of told, we have no idea. But with the animosity between the neighbor and Eve (because she is very close to his soon to be ex) I know he will do some talking too.
I guess you are right. Deny, deny, deny.
I'll let Eve lie and I'll swear to it. LOL

Adam

[AdamInEve]

Remember if you do not make a big deal most others won’t ether.

Thanks Sam and Tina, I think this thought is a good one to remember.

Good luck but remember you have nothing to be ashamed of and looking at information on something does not make you guilty. So don’t let any one put you on the defensive.

This is very true also, but remember we are dealing with the nervousness and other issues that come with being newbies. The last thing we needed or expected was a situation like this so naturally our, or at least my reaction (Eve isn't here now to give her input) was to jump on the defensive. I guess we will see what comes down the line, if anything and deal with it from there.

Thanks for the advice.
Adam
PS. I did see a clip of you on the Oprah show. Wow talk about nervous, that had to be nerve wracking.

[havefuninsun]

Hi Adam,

What a bummer. I think you handled the situation with your son the best you could. We have "grown" (e.g., legal adults, even if he doesn't always behave like it) living at home too. We actually have a key lock on our bedroom door -- it's irritating, but we don't like the kids in our room, for any reason.

I have mixed reactions about even confronting the neighbor, especially if he's as mentally unstable as he seems (mentally unstable people are better left to their own devices). And, if anyone were brave enough to ASK you about it, look them square in the eye and say, "why would you ask me something like that?"

I remember reading advice from Ann Landers once. Someone wrote in and complained of being asked personal questions. Ann's advice was to retort with "why do you want to know that?" If I were being nosey asking personal questions and someone retorted back with that, I'd shut up.

Good luck!

[avid]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

...if anyone were brave enough to ASK you about it, look them square in the eye and say, "why would you ask me something like that?"

And don't forget the excellent "eyebrow raise" when you're asking the question!

Adam and Eve, I sure feel for you.

My teenager left home a few years ago, and we certainly had privacy/respect issues for quite a while.

Now, my partner's 20yo daughter lives with us. Along the same vein, I just removed the digital camera from her hands as she was looking through our pictures. There are definitely things she doesn't want to see there, but I truly never thought she would start to look at it without asking!

I believe that, other than in your neighbour's mind, this will be a non-issue. Most people truly don't care.

[SAMnTINA]

Originally Posted by AdamInEve

PS. I did see a clip of you on the Oprah show. Wow talk about nervous, that had to be nerve wracking.

No the nervous breakdown did not happen untill after it was in the can and we were flying home to FL. That when we looked at each other and said "did we really do that."

Good luck to both of you.

[AdamInEve]

And, if anyone were brave enough to ASK you about it, look them square in the eye and say, "why would you ask me something like that

This would be a good way to respond HaveFunInTheSun.

And don't forget the excellent "eyebrow raise" when you're asking the question!

And this is definitely a nice touch Avid. LOL

As far as the locks on the door go, we have talked about them in the past but today I think we have pretty much decided they are going on.
And I don't plan on confronting the neighbor. I have stayed out of their situation as best as I could thus far. Even with him trying to drag me in it over the last few months. I haven't spoken to him for a few weeks since his wife moved out, nor do I plan too.
Adam

[couplewanting50]

Deny, deny, deny....

[johntoniswing]

well if anyone asked my i would say are you a swinger i have never meet one before and then i would say say dont worry i wont tell anyone

[sigh35]

I agree with deny, deny, deny..! Just look at your accuser like they caught you off guard and say "what?!!" that's crazy! who told you that? my 19 year old? "so, you go around believing stories told by 19 year olds? Wow! Maybe you wish it were true and this is your way of propositioning me hu? Heehee!