My husband wants to sleep with other women...

[NewbieHere]

My husband wants us to have relations with other women but I'm not sure if I want to. I am Bi so it's not the issue of being with a woman but it's that I don't want to share him.
He has said he wants to sleep with other women (I was only his second) because he doesn't want to think "what if". He's never cheated on me (we talk about everything even though sometimes we hurt the other) but he says he can't promise that he won't. What he really wants his for him and me (as a couple) to do this.

Help I don't want to lose him but I'm not sure if I can live with this either. I have no issues with people living this lifestyle (my brother does it) but I'm not sure if I'm the right type of person.

Thank you all in advance for your help... I would love to meet with anyone in VA that has this type of marriage so I can ask some questions.

[Sico_tiko]

Well sharing ur husband actually it is a type of swingers lifestyle so this shouldnt be a proble as long as he wont cheat u, also having someone else sharing sex am sure it will stisfy you as u said ur a bi, so even try it once u wont lose anything.

[funcpl4life]

Originally Posted by NewbieHere

My husband wants us to have relations with other women but I'm not sure if I want to. I am Bi so it's not the issue of being with a woman but it's that I don't want to share him.

1) Search for "unicorn" on this site. Single, Bi females are hard to come by. (all puns intended)

2) How does he feel about you being with other men? How do you feel about it?

3) To thine own self be true. If your husband really loves you, he'll accept you as you are. Although if he's interested in other women, a wig, new lingerie and unexpected pubic grooming could be just the thing....

Mr. FC4L

[daisy girl]

Great response! A wig does make a difference...whether you swing or not .

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by NewbieHere

My husband wants us to have relations with other women but I'm not sure if I want to. I am Bi so it's not the issue of being with a woman but it's that I don't want to share him.
He has said he wants to sleep with other women (I was only his second) because he doesn't want to think "what if". He's never cheated on me (we talk about everything even though sometimes we hurt the other) but he says he can't promise that he won't. What he really wants his for him and me (as a couple) to do this.

I have to say, this is concerning to me. So what I gather from this is that if you DON'T swing with him he may cheat....so he is going to have sex with other women with or without your permission. Am I right in that understanding? So you are thinking either I can swing and at least I'm there to know whats going on, or he is going to screw women behind my back....okay OP, this is NOT a reason to enter into swinging. I'm not trying to discourage you girl, but wow I can just sense issues. If you do not want your husband having sex with other women and there he is enjoying himself.....I don't know that you are going to do well with that.

I know you are bi, but how does hubby feel about you having sex with other men? I expect he would be okay with this since you are giving him what he wants...
Shelly

[Tenatious]

I'm thinking that maybe hubbie thought by marrying a self described bisexual he was getting himself into an open and understanding sexual realationship. If what he wants is not comfortable to you because you've decicided getting married should mean the oppisite, then I think it's time for a serious sit down convo. You both need to state what you want while not worrying about hurting the other because the hurt could be three fold in the long run. GL

[dayhiker]

NewbieHere,
Just curious if you undertand more about the feeling you have that you don't want to share him. Very common feeling. Yet swing couples decide to move away from that feeling. Why is that important to you?

dayhiker

[prettylady]

This is going to be one of those easier said then done comments.
By the sounds of things he is forcing you into a corner.
Either play by MY rules, or we are through.
My answer to that is "see ya later pal"
I know that you have a marriage to concider and like I said easier said then done.
But by the sounds of things (going by what you said) He is being manipulative (sp?) He knows you are likely going to submit because you love him. But how much love is he showing you right now? Not much girl.
If this relationship means that much to you. Find your thoughts on this when you are not upset, figure out EXACLY what you want to say, and DO NOT BE PERSUADED!!

If you do this against your better judgement it is going to sit wrong with you for a very long time and may be the down fall of the very marriage you are trying to save by concidering this lifestyle.

Good luck my friend and keep us posted.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[JustAskJulie]

You said that you are Bi. are you actively bi? Meaning do you currently have relations with other women? if so, then he is sharing you already. If he is willing to do that for you, then shouldn't you be willing to do the same for him? He is wanting to do this WITH you, he's wanting you to share with him something that you are currently getting to enjoy on your own and leaving him out of.

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

You said that you are Bi. are you actively bi? Meaning do you currently have relations with other women? if so, then he is sharing you already. If he is willing to do that for you, then shouldn't you be willing to do the same for him? He is wanting to do this WITH you, he's wanting you to share with him something that you are currently getting to enjoy on your own and leaving him out of.

Ok I see what you are saying Julie.
I was under the impression that she was not currently active as a bisexual woman. I just assumed that she had stopped persuing that part of her life.
But I agree, if you are getting yours you should atleast give him the same chance. If you still don't like it. Give up your encounters as well.

But I still don't like the threat of "if you don't do this I can't promise I wont cheat". That seems manipulative(sp?).
But fair is fair. If you want your playtime he should be getting his as well.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by NewbieHere

He has said he wants to sleep with other women (I was only his second) because he doesn't want to think "what if". He's never cheated on me (we talk about everything even though sometimes we hurt the other) but he says he can't promise that he won't.

It seems to me this has nothing to do with swinging.

Your husband is regreting his lack of sexual experience, and he wants to have it with other women (as she would have done before meeting you). The FFM scenario is one that, while not cheating on you, would (theoretically) allow him to have those experiences. My guts tells me he is asking for it this way because he knows you and he already know this would be the only chance to success. SHould he knew you could be up to allow him to have an affair, he would be doing so without requesting the FFM scenario ("he can't promise he wont").

There are three big problems here:

1) From his stand point, the FFM scenario isn't the one able to provide him a genuine experience leading to some answer to his "what if", because of your presence there. You'd me "mediating" the experience and you could be able to bias it pursuing your own interests, so the "what if" doubt would remain valid for him.

2) From your stand point, his "what if" doubts are, or will become, your Sword of Damocles, pending over your head and able to kill you at any moment. "He cannot promise he won't". Here you have to ask yourself what you'd preffer, to keep having him in the lack of experience darkness at the risk of him finding out, several years ahead, after eventually cheating on you, that the answer for his "what if" is you're not the one and all of this was a mistake, or to get to know the answer to this question right now and for good.

3) Having to do with (2), that the FFM scenario could provide you a false perception of control of what's going on in your husband's head.
Now, what to do is a very personal question. Every action to take imposes a risk and have it odds:

Indulging his fantasized FFM scenario wouldn't solve the problem (because they'd chain both problems in a row: the experience won't be genuine enough for him, it's very likely he will keep asking for more experiences pursuing to answe the question in a way it cannot be answered, and the risk for you will increase over and over. Even more, after several threesome partners he could jump into conclude you're the common factor for the failure to get his answers, what would turn things even worst for you.

Not allowing him to have those experiences, either sharing them in a FFM scenario or alone, won't help him get rid of the "what if" doubts, nor helo reasure you on how strong your current relationship is. It's very likely that this could keep growing, and even worst, that he gives up asking you to help him get the experience, and even telling you about his urges and doubts, leading you two into the lack of communication darkness. Eventually, he would cheat on you.

Allowing him to have affairs until solving the doubts. As for me, for this to be a valid option, this permission should be limited in time (let say, 3 or 6 months), and it could involve a temporal separation as to ensure his experiences to be genuine enough (without being you there to comment and bias the outcomes). But you may be calling for a disaster, since you'de asking him to define his doubts after this period due date, and he may not choose you.

So, you're in a big trouble.

The good news are, he's still honest about what's going on, and he knows you're up to take all the required BS in order to fight for him and for the relationship. Up to me, a relationship goes way beyond sex, should he find out some, let say, more sexually talented partner, it'd be easiest for you to develop those talents than for that talented woman to work things out to have a raw honest relationship as you already prooved you can have. I would give you way more credit for this aspect, than for your behavior in bed, and you should do it as well. Should he were up to rate sex over what you're already giving to him at a personal level... then he wouldn't worth to have you in his life.

As for me, I would allow the third option after an strict negotiation of the permission scope. If not, I'd would be seeking for counseling.

In any case, swinging is the WORST tool to solve problems. People can safelly swing only when they ALREADY solved all the pending issues they have, and this isn't your case.

[LOL_OMG]

Originally Posted by NewbieHere

(we talk about everything even though sometimes we hurt the other)

This statement out of all of yours stands out to me. If you're hurting each other, through actions or words....you don't have a stable trusting relationship. I hate to generalize or pidgeon hole swingers, but for us...that's what we look for.

I myself can't get nakid with a couple who aren't "all together". And if we run into problems with our relationship, we would drop swinging.

Mrs.

[ShellyM]

[quote=LOL_OMG]This statement out of all of yours stands out to me. If you're hurting each other, through actions or words....you don't have a stable trusting relationship. I hate to generalize or pidgeon hole swingers, but for us...that's what we look for.I myself can't get nakid with a couple who aren't "all together". And if we run into problems with our relationship, we would drop swinging./QUOTE]

Exactly! Do Jay and I have our ups and downs? Yes, as all married couples do...however, we personally have seen so many couples that really should not be here. We watch how the other couple relates to each other. If they do not talk, do not show love to each other, don't hold hands, etc. that is really a red flag to us. We are looking for couples that really are in love with each other and not looking to replace missing elements.
Shelly

[2chase3]

Hmm.. you mention you dont want to share him..However you mention that you are BI..?? Are you actively Bi or had past bisexual encounters ?Eperiences doesnt mean you are BI it only means you have experimented with girls.

I always get a giggle when a woman tells me she is Bi but the last Bi sexual encounter she had was in college..lol. You obviously were not BI luv.you were confussed.

Ok moving on to my thought, If you are BI, dosent it seem a little one sided you are allowed to play and he is not? let turn the roles, Say he was BI sexual and had encounters where you were left out ,would you be ok with it,?

But with that said it seems you are very heavily against the idea .*At this point* like everything else the only way to correct your understanding in a relationship rollercoaster,is to dicuss it with the passenger your seated with..lol