My husband's obsession with wanting to swing has become a problem

[curiousilwife]

I dont know what to do. This is a huge fantasy for him, but I am very reluctant. We have just come back from almost divorcing, and things have been improving for maybe 6 months. The turning point was just in early July. He brought his fantasy to my attention last November, and we have talked about it since. It does turn me on, swapping, or the MFM. But i dont think we are ready, I might never be ready.

What is bothering me is he is on the site looking at profiles every night after I go to bed. I get on the compter this morning and he was talking to a contact on IM and acting as if he were me, saying we were going to be in that town next weekend (we are) ......

I just feel as if he is obssessd with it lately, I feel that it is the only thing that turns him on. He has been sleeping on the couch, he says nothing is wrong, but that he just falls asleep watching tv, and then sleeps there. I just dont think we have the intimacy or closeness that you need before really seriously doing this.

I want him to stop. I want it all to stop. I want to know that if we never do this, he is going to still be as attracted to me and not be wishing for this lifestyle and what he never had. I need to know that he isnt going to go behind my back, looking at this stuff and not telling me, he cant do it. He is obssessed with it right now. It sounds like fun, but i can certainly live without it.

I just dont know what to do.

[tangyspecial]

My gut reaction is to run and run fast. You just got done deciding not to divorce, and now he wants to swing so much so that he is lying to you and other people?!?! Faking being you to set up meets?!?! Maybe there is something I am missing here that makes it ok, but I don't see it right now. Maybe some of the other members on here can give you better, more thoughtful advice.

Good luck!
N-Mrs.

[NandT]

This is not good! You cannot be pressured into doing anything that you don't really want to do. Also, everything that you read on this web site talks about having a strong, stable relationship before swinging, and that is just what you don't have right now.

I would concentrate on your marriage first; that is most important. You need to get your marrtiage back on track before you consider anything like this.

Please read my posted question in this form "She's changing her mind." My wife and I ARE in a stable, secure 17 year marriage; I want to consider swinging with another couple, she is hesitant and reluctant. Until she fully agrees on her own, it's not going to happen.

So think carefully about this and don't do anything you don't want to do. Oh - and don't fall for the "This will save our marriage" trick!

[Alura]

Y'all need to work on your communication before pursuing swinging any farther. When Laura and I met twenty-seven years ago she suggested we make a pact with each other. We agreed to never become angry when a question was asked, no matter what the subject, and that we would always answer it as completely as possible. "I just don't want to talk about it!" would NEVER be acceptable.

Please impress on your husband that honesty in swinging is as important as honesty in marriage, if you want your playtimes to be successful and not come back to bite you. Therefore, he needs to quit bullshitting other swingers. He will rapidly gain a very unwanted reputation.

Swinging can but may not enhance your communication (in all phases of marriage) but the communication needs to be before the swinging.

Edit: Oh, yeah! If your husband wants to research and learn a lot about swinging he needs to be posting on the Swingers Board, not in a chat room or IMing with someone who may be as phoney as he is.

Alura

[msa223]

Curiousilwife,

I think this is a hard case. IMHO the conventional answer from most of the members of this Board will be that there is no way you should swing. I definitely don't condone swinging if there are marital problems that can lead to insecurity about your relationship and jealousy. It goes without saying that he shouldn't be IMing people pretending to be someone who he is not.

On the other hand, it sounds to me like this is something that is very, very important to him. So important to him that it may end up leading to him leaving you. I realize your wish is that he wouldn't want this so much and he could be happy without it, but this probably isn't reality. If you are so set against it that you are willing to quit the marriage over this, then more power to you. If you really want to stay married to this guy, would you ever want to give it a try? Perhaps you can take a few steps in his direction? Maybe not do the full swap but go to a club and see how the "vibe" feels. You might not mind it and it may make him very happy. I am not saying that swinging will save your marriage. I am suggesting a little compromise on something that is obviously critical to him.

[lovinher]

msa223, So you are saying that she should consider swinging to keep her husband? Did you really say that? She made it very clear she wants nothing to do with it right now. If the guy would leave her because she will not swing she is better off without him in the long run. She isn't the problem, he is.

[Alura]

CuriousWife wrote:

It does turn me on, swapping, or the MFM...

I tempered my answer based on this sentence, CuriousWife. Otherwise, I'd have answered very differently.

I have the impression that you're not dead set against swinging, just being pressured more than you like. I think that situation can only be addressed by better communication.

His fixation would likely abate a lot after some experience, Frankly, IMO, swinging is a lot of fun but not nearly as erotic as we originally think it will be.

Your husband's willingness to be dishonest on the internet is a whole 'nother
matter and of even more importance. Again, IMO.

Alura

[tangyspecial]

Thanks for saying something lovinher. I was ready to jump on that response, until I saw yours.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by msa223

On the other hand, it sounds to me like this is something that is very, very important to him. So important to him that it may end up leading to him leaving you. I realize your wish is that he wouldn't want this so much and he could be happy without it, but this probably isn't reality. If you are so set against it that you are willing to quit the marriage over this, then more power to you. If you really want to stay married to this guy, would you ever want to give it a try? Perhaps you can take a few steps in his direction? Maybe not do the full swap but go to a club and see how the "vibe" feels. You might not mind it and it may make him very happy. I am not saying that swinging will save your marriage. I am suggesting a little compromise on something that is obviously critical to him.

I absolutely and vehemently disagree. She should NEVER swing to keep a man. NOPE. Sorry, I disagree completely. And not only should she not do it because its just WRONG and she would feel like she is being violated and almost raped, but because it doesn't WORK. I'm not naming names. But when the wife is doing this against her will you KNOW. YOU KNOW. And its horrible for the other couple. Its horrible for the man who feels like he has almost sexually assaulted this woman. It does NOT work. OP. You cannot force yourself to do this girl. I don't know your situation, but I feel for you greatly.
Shelly

[curiousilwife]

Thanks guys.

1. I would never do it to *keep* him. I can do fine on my own, if that made him leave, I would pack for him ....and no, I dont think he would leave because of it, what i said was [I]I want to know that if we never do this, he is going to still be as attracted to me and not be wishing for this lifestyle and what he never had.[I] He wouldnt divorce me because of it, I just think he will hide the magazines, and the online porn. I dont even think he would go out and do it without me, but I dont like him hiding the stuff on the internet. He used to, before he told me. He had been looking at it on the sly, (deleting history) for years, maybe about 5 years? Now that we have discussed it, we are open about that, as far as I know. He may get online without me, but doesnt delete things like before.

I just dont want him to feel that he is *missing* something, pining after the lifestyle he really really wants, and he cant have it. Nothing sinister ab out it, I feel a little badly, but i would never do it because of pressure.

I just dont know how to talk to him. I want to tell him that it all stops. The online porn, the talking to some contacts we have made on IM, using for pillowtalk in bed to turn us on. I just want to stop talking about it for a while. And see what we have when it is just us. Can i turn him on? At this point, I am afraid if i tell him, then he *will* just do it behind my back, which just makes things worse. My point was that he seems to be obssessed, and cant stop if i tell him i want him to stop, the talking about it, the looking at profiles on the net, etc etc.

you know?

[msa223]

Originally Posted by lovinher

msa223, So you are saying that she should consider swinging to keep her husband? Did you really say that? She made it very clear she wants nothing to do with it right now. If the guy would leave her because she will not swing she is better off without him in the long run. She isn't the problem, he is.

Curiousilwife,

Obviously, not everyone agreed with my advice. Nor did I expect them to. Having said that, I don't think I made myself as clear as I could have, so I will try once more to express a point of view which I am very aware is not the conventional wisdom on this Board.

First, I don't think you should do anything that you don't want to do. There are absolutely some things that each person will never be comfortable doing, no matter what. For example, if my spouse were interested in say dogfighting, I would not go there. No way, no how. If you feel that you could never be comfortable swinging, I totally agree you should never do it. It isn't fair to you and as someone else pointed out, it isn't fair to the other people you may be with.

What I am saying is that it sounds like your husband is fairly obsessed with this. I'm guessing that if you are totally not interested, he may be disappointed. Worse, he may be frustrated and unhappy. Only you can tell us what the outcome will be. However, I would guess that a relationship where one of the parties is unhappy, tends to have some problems.

It is always easy to say no. In the hard reality of a marriage, there are some items (not all) where it may make sense to compromise. After all, in a good relationship, don't both parties want to try to make the other happy? You did say that "It does turn you on." My suggestion is that perhaps in the interest of working through an issue that is very important to him that there are some compromises that may make him more happy and also not violate your comfort zone. I am not pushing for you to do a full swap, Labor Day weekend house party, but rather to take some very small baby steps. For example, what if you went to a club? There is no obligation to do anything with anyone. You don't even need to talk to anyone if you don't want to. Your husband may realize that the reality and the fantasy don't match up. He may realize that he does have some jealousy issues. You, on the other hand, may realize it is somewhat of an exciting atmosphere even if you don't do anything. Who knows? At the very least, I think he would appreciate that you made an effort on something that was very high on his priority list.

Another idea is what if you took a vacation to one of the Hedo resorts? Same thing; no obligation to do anything but it will give the both of you an easy introduction to the lifestyle. You don't have to participate in anything you don't want to.

I guess this advice isn't so much swinging advice as just my opinion and practical experience on relationships. Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if there is a way to help your loved one satisfy a need and you can do it in a way that works for you, why not?

[lovinher]

I see what you are saying msa223 and agree with most of your opinion, but IMO, the worst thing she could do is feed his obsession. It is obvious they have more problems than just the swinging issue. Those need to be taken care of first.

I want him to stop. I want it all to stop. I want to know that if we never do this, he is going to still be as attracted to me and not be wishing for this lifestyle and what he never had. I need to know that he isn't going to go behind my back, looking at this stuff and not telling me, he cant do it. He is obsessed with it right now. It sounds like fun, but I can certainly live without it.

[msa223]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I see what you are saying msa223 and agree with most of your opinion, but IMO, the worst thing she could do is feed his obsession. It is obvious they have more problems than just the swinging issue. Those need to be taken care of first.

Lovinher. Thanks for having an open mind. Perhaps you are right about feeding his obsession. On the other hand, I think something has to be done about his obsession. If they do nothing, the problems will just fester. I know she wishes it would all go away, but my guess is that isn't realistic. Maybe some counseling. It just isn't healthy in a relationship for one party to have such a strong interest in something that the other party doesn't support.

[DKent]

CuriousIL Wife:
Perhaps I can help. I'm a man, in a happy marriage, non-swingers, and recently so overly obsessed with the concept and thrill of swinging that I finally revealed my fantasy to my unsuspecting, conservative wife and almost killed her with terror, confusion, horrible feelings of self-worthlessness, etc. I was so wrapped up in it, it was all I could think about all day long! Yes, I was obsessed and so is your husband!

My wife and I went to marriage counseling (our first time in a 28-year marriage!) and worked through a lot there, and talked endlessly, as I slowly made my true feelings known to her - that the fantasy involves HER with me, in whatever capacity we explore this lifestyle, or do not explore it. And without her - the one woman I love - the fantasy collapses and no longer can exist in my mind. Therefore, it must entail her full intent, her own free will, her own desire to try this, before it would be even the least bit enjoyable to me. As yet, we've done nothing. And might never.

I have posted right now on this board something about the HAI (Human Awareness Institute) in Northern California, as my wife is willing to try that. It is not swinging per se, but there is interaction in groups of four and more. She said she intends to remain clothed and touch nobody but me, and no one else will touch her. I said that is perfectly fine with me.

Perhaps if you show that to your husband, and he knows that you will try that - and remember - all nudity and/or touching others is optional - he will be happy and slow down a bit. The HAI is all about increasing your own communication, intimacy, and sexual experience as a couple. I know it also opens you to the possibility - not necessity - of including others. But it is a safer, slower development in your broadening of sexual horizons than jumping into the orgy pit with 12 strangers.

I know what you're going through, and know how your husband's mind is thinking right now. The thinking processes are almost entirely being governed by the Little Head at this particular point in time, not by the big one on his shoulders. He's NOT thinking or acting rationally and he is quite capable of doing something stupid. Maybe I should talk to him directly. I'd be happy to.

Look into HAI as an alternative - that's what we're doing now. Maybe we'll see you there!
Good luck,
DKent.

[lovinher]

DKent

Have you looked into HAI VERY carefully? I get the impression that this is a substitute for your desire to swing. A compromise that your wife is willing to make. Some consider it a cult actually in the same way some view Scientology. I don't know enough about it to make that conclusion but from what I do know they are way "out there".
If you do try it, I'm interested in what you experience. I suppose it may be a good way of opening up her mind and if that is your goal then it may be a good idea.
I'm not bashing you in any way for considering it, but from you have told us you may be looking at this alternative for the wrong reasons.