What if one partner is more into swinging than the other?

My husband and I have been married for a year. He had been in the lifestyle several years before he met me, and I was a newbie. We have played with a few couples and single women and have attended several lifestyle socials. At first, it was exciting to me and I enjoyed it somewhat. But over the past months I have lost interest in swinging while my husband is still very much into it. He gets bored very easily and its hard for me to keep his interest. I am 39 years old and my sex drive has slowed tremendously, plus I am not as attractive as I once was due to weight gain. While I have enjoyed both men and women in the past, I now have no desire to have sex with anyone but my husband, yet he admits he has become somewhat bored with me. I feel that its my responsibility as his wife to make sure he is happy. I'm willing to be in the lifestyle to make him happy, but he wants me to be as much into it as he is. My question is what do I do to make myself want this as much as my husband does? I don't want to see my marriage break up because of my hangups about swinging. I feel if this issue isn't resolved that my husband will leave me for a woman who is more open than I am. Any input or suggestions you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[daisy girl]

Honesty is the best policy. You should never swing out of obligation. That is not fun. Your husband should respect your feeling regarding this. Remember, the swing relationship should only go as fast as the slowest person.

[VegasLee]

You state you are swinging because your husband is bored with you and you are doing it for him.

Swinging will never fix a relationship but it can break one up faster then most anything.

In your position I would suggest no swinging at all until you and your husband can have a great relationship with just the two of you. No one else involved.

Married a year and he is bored. There is more to this then is being stated here.

Time to sit and talk and forget about Swinging.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

You state you are swinging because your husband is bored with you and you are doing it for him.

Swinging will never fix a relationship but it can break one up faster then most anything.

In your position I would suggest no swinging at all until you and your husband can have a great relationship with just the two of you. No one else involved.

Married a year and he is bored. There is more to this then is being stated here.

Time to sit and talk and forget about Swinging.

No sense hammering a nail that has already been hit so squarely on the head...

Spoomonkey

[ShellyM]

OP, this is just my opinion. I am not a counselor. My advice to you is to stop swinging immediately and seek a marriage counselor. Number one girl, you have got to deal with what you are feeling about yourself as a woman. I can relate to being heavy, and so I think its important that you get over the feelings about yourself. I hate hearing women say that they are not as attractive because they gained weight. If you feel that you can stand to lose a few pounds start eating healthy and exercising. But please do this for your health and not because you feel less about yourself. As far as your sex drive...in my opinion its probably a combination of you feeling less beautiful about yourself and believing that your husband is "bored" with your sex life. How could this NOT make you feel less sexual? Number one, if your hubby is trying to replace a missing element withing your marriage he is going to be sadly mistaken. I think that swinging is the last thing you need right now. You need to work on you so you can start feeling as beautiful as you are. From there I think perhaps counseling would help. I would not advise swinging though girl, because trying to fix a missing element is only covering an arterial wound with a band-aid. Best of luck to you, Shelly

[intuition897]

Hi guest, please register so that you can post replies. We'd love to hear back from you!

A couple of suggestions:

First have a look at the FAQ section. Lots of questions are answered there. Next try searching for threads that deal with why couples swing. I don't have any examples right off hand, but there are thousands of threads here! I've seen them, and I know they're out there. (Anyone have any examples?)

Last of all, if you can bring it up to him without him jumping like a puppy on the end of his leash thinking this is the green light, ask hubby to come read the board with you. You just landed on a goldmine of info. It would be helpful if we could hear from him and get his side of the story.

Looking forward to getting to know you, and again, welcome!

[gr8big]

If this forum were not about swinging, but instead about vanilla sex, I would recommend that you deal with your self-image issues first. There is a possibility that your physical weight gain is affecting your libido as well. If swinging was a healthy part of your sex life then you need to treat not wanting to swing as a sign that you are having sexual dysfunction.

I am not active in swinging, so I am no expert, but I am pretty damn good at vanilla sex and I am more concerned at the CHANGE in your attitude, more than the type of sex you have changed from.

Get some counseling. This issue is not about swinging.

[havefuninsun]

Ditto Ditto Ditto!

At your age, your hormones should be raging! 35 and up seems to be the target age for women to become one with their sexuality -- vanilla or not. We're older, wiser, kids aren't as young (sometimes); we've become comfortable in our own skin. We exude sexiness ... so your changes are a concern. Do you feel depressed? As others have stated, stop and spend time on YOU -- help yourself feel better and sexier. Your husband should be MORE THAN HAPPY and willing to help in this regard ... after all, what is more sexier than a confident wife?

Good luck to you!

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Unregistered, welcome. You got a lot of great answers from everyone else.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I am 39 years old and my sex drive has slowed tremendously, plus I am not as attractive as I once was due to weight gain.

As havefuninsun said, this is often an age of sexual revitalization for a woman. My sex drive exploded at age 39, and has yet to slow down. I hear this from many other women, too.

I had a thought, though....at times in my life when I felt beaten down in some way, and when I felt lonely and was not getting what I needed in my past marriage, my sex drive kind of withered up, and I gained weight. Could it be that your sex drive "slowing tremendously" and the weight gain could be related to feeling pushed by your husband to keep swinging, and feeling distressed that he is "bored" with you? Please think about that. Maybe by fixing the real problem with your spouse (confronting his attitude), and by working on getting your groove back (feeling good about you), your mojo and confidence will come back.

I wish you all the best. Hugs!

[ukwildcats]

Be Honest,let Him Know How You Feel. Take A Walk On The Tybee Sands, Listen To The Ocean ,hold His Hand And Ask Him What You Can Do.

[curiousswingers]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

Ditto Ditto Ditto!

At your age, your hormones should be raging! 35 and up seems to be the target age for women to become one with their sexuality -- vanilla or not. We're older, wiser, kids aren't as young (sometimes); we've become comfortable in our own skin. We exude sexiness ... so your changes are a concern. Do you feel depressed? As others have stated, stop and spend time on YOU -- help yourself feel better and sexier. Your husband should be MORE THAN HAPPY and willing to help in this regard ... after all, what is more sexier than a confident wife?

Good luck to you!

Dito Just wanted to ditto this especially the part about your husband being more than willing to help with what you are going through.......if he is not .....then counseling might be a good solution, but by all means stop swinging until you get your primary relationship in order. (you and your spouse) That is the most important

[SouthBond]

Can people that enter into the swinging lifestyle ever completely stop? I would guess that your husband is firmly invested in promiscuity. Most likely, he will continue to seek multiple partners, with or without you. If you are strong and not interested in playing, you will tell him to hit the road. If you are weak, you will continue to complain and live in a very unsatisfying life.

[hotcpl4unfla]

Just recently, the wife and I decided to take a hiatus from our playtime partners. Do I (as the male half) miss it? Sure. The female partner we were playing with was attractive and very sexy. But my wife is also very attractive. I love sex, and I loved having playtime with a female other than my wife. But she wasn't into it as much any more. We talked about it and agreed to give it a break. Our personal sex life has also picked up a lot as a result.
The problem you have is that the sexual aspect of your relationship has grown dependent on outside influence, and as a result your own relationship is now seen as "bland". You speak of gaining weight and being unattractive. I may be flamed for this and sound shallow, but why not start watching what you eat and going to the gym? Perhaps encourage your husband to do the same? You sound as if your self esteem is in the gutter, and changing your appearance can do wonders for you and hubby. Granted, your relationship needs some emotional charging as well, but that's for a counselor to help you with. But for your husband to feel better about you, you have to feel better about yourself. If he doesn't, then there is a lot more to the soured relationship than your weight gain.
But on the bright side, once you look hot from going to the gym and exercising, there will be no shortage of men probably banging down your door!

[mfmyeahbaby]

I know somebody that needs to read this. years ago my then girlfriend (wife now) brought up the subject, allbeit she may not have meant for us to actually do it, but we talked and talked and the fantasies grew. eventually we had our first encounter which was a mfm. that was fine and actually developed to be outstanding and led to some of the best sex ever. along the way we attempted a few fmf's and she really was anti about it. so we do mfm, mainly because we both enjoy the sexually energy and freaky nature. cutting to the chase. its been over a year since we last played and now she just seems to be so so about the whole idea. I have brought it up several times and still no budging her. she doesn't actually say no but she acts like she doesn't want to hear about the subject. I love her alot and don't really consider playing outside the marriage, but after all the great play (11 years total) she seems to be dropping this idea cold, which has left me with avoid and a desire to play. I am not wanting to play without her but I'm thinking that if want any part of the lifestyle thats what I have to do.

[ShellyM]

southbond,
I do think that people who start swinging can stop if they make that decision. In truth...now, this is just our experiences. We have yet to really find a couple that gives us anywhere near the sexual satisfaction that sex with each other has given us. Now, never say never. We may find that couple that knocks the socks off of our feet, but haven't so far. Jay and I truly do have a good sex life. So if at some point we were to say you know what, its been fun but thats enough, its all good. I think any couple that truly is not trying to fix missing elements in their relationship can leave it as quickly as they came into it and never miss a beat.
Shelly