I'm getting emotionally attached...and I'm scared

[luvjazz]

This past week my husband and I had our first swinging experience. It was very spur of the moment, but was intense and simply amazing. We invited a very good friend of ours (male) and he accepted. It was the first experience for all of us, and we all enjoyed it.

What scares me now is how I feel for my friend. I will admit, I have fantasized about this guy for weeks, and my husband could tell right away that there was major chemistry between us from day one, which is why we asked him to join us. But now I'm afraid I am falling in love with my friend. My husband has actually asked me about this, and I have been truthful. I love him, but I also have feelings for the friend. My husband is just wonderful about this, and says he doesn't have a problem since I still love him. He says you can't help who you fall in love with. My friend has told me that he has thought about our night together quite a bit since it happened. I wanted to ask if he was feeling what I am feeling, but I haven't.

We all went into this knowing we wanted to preserve all the existing relationships (my marriage, all friendships, etc.), but as it was happening I could tell that my friend has feelings for me too. Though he has now met another girl and the jealousy monster is raging in me hard-core. I don't know what to do. I know my husband and I are okay, we have talked all about all of this. I want so much to talk about this with my friend, but if we both admit to having feelings for one another, I am scared it will destroy our friendship.

I am so upset and confused. I really thought I was ready for swinging, and hubby and I talk about trying a couple next - partially because I want to get over my feelings for my friend - but I can't let go of this first experience. I'm getting emotionally attached. I want them both, so much. Please tell me I'm not alone in this, and tell me how to get past these feelings that are driving me crazy!

[Edison Carter]

Ed here-- My wife will kill me for suggesting this,but I think the three of you need to get together and fuck this out of your system.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Ed here-- My wife will kill me for suggesting this,but I think the three of you need to get together and fuck this out of your system.

Pretty much completely disagree.

The brain ties sex and love together for some pretty obvious evolutionary reasons. In my opinion one of the best side effects of swinging is that I've been able to separate love form sex.

Rather than the three of them fucking it out of their system, it would be far better for them to fuck it out of their system together or with a new couple where the op can get her mind to separate the sex from love.

luvjazz - Lets face it, having sex with a long time friend is really asking for trouble because you have all the elements of 'love' right there. Long time person who you genuinely like, and then finally that big emotional release of finally having sex with him, something you had no doubt been thinking of for a long time.

Let it go, let him go, and find your own way in this together as a couple.

I'm also almost certain that someone will post about the 'poly' life style and suggest you explore it. For reasons I won't get into because it will create a pointless argument I'm not in the mood for, I think thats a very bad idea in the long run.

[BiloxiCouple]

Chicup got this one right

Don't play with friends or fellow employees from work. Can have bad results. Get out there and play more. It will separate the sex from love/lust.

Easier said than done?

[SouthBond]

We highly recommend that you find other couples for playmates. You have awakened the feelings of first love, new love, sweetheart love, love of my life love. You have got to get over this novelty. If the other guy has a girl friend, he probably isn't in love with you. Swinging with other couples may balance out your feelings. Otherwise, you will destroy your marriage. Swinging is about sex.

[luvjazz]

I think what's really bothering me, after reflecting for a couple more days, is that my friend just met someone new. He just moved to a new area, and had met someone on an online dating site. His first day in town, he spent the night with this woman. I don't know if they had sex or not, and I'm not asking. This was four days after our encounter. I care about my friend, I want him to be happy, but I can't help feeling hurt. Obviously, that night meant more to me than it did to him. Expected, I suppose. Still hurts though, and I'm a bit afraid to talk with him about that.

[Miss_Piggy]

We've played with friends a few times... actually now that I start counting it out it's quite a few. We don't currently play with any of them as we moved to a new city and haven't actually made very many friends yet. Anyway, of the 7 people that I can think of off the top of my head, 1 friendship was really killed. 2 just died out the way they would have anyway. 2 are still good friends and will remain so for a long time even though the dynamics of the friendship are strictly non-sexual now. The other 2 we would happily still play with if we weren't so far away. So there's some stats for you on our own personal experience with friends.

I've certainly had my fair share of feelings. One thing that I've always been comforted by is the knowledge that such lustful feelings that come on so strongly do eventually pass. I know it feels like they won't and you may wonder if you're going down the wrong road. If that's a serious concern then you'd be well advised to distance yourself from the friend for a little while. If you look at it closely you may find that the feelings that you are identifying as love are quite different from the love feelings that you feel for your husband. It's my guess that the feelings you have for your friend are rolled up in the excitement and newness of it all.
You are absolutely not alone and my best advice is that you wait it out. The feelings will pass. It may take time. But they will pass. Continuing a sexual relationship with your friend probably won't do much to help the feelings pass, however.

[ShellyM]

OP,
First of all I have to tell you that I think you and your husband have a good foundation, and a good head on your shoulders. I was impressed to read how you are able to really identify and admit what you are feeling. Most people feel jealousy but see it as a weakness and so will not admit to feeling what they really are experiencing. Good for you, thats great. I also admire how your husband did not freak out when you were honest with him.....this allows you to really trust him and be honest. Good job. I think that you two have a GREAT marriage and should not do anything to put this in jeapordy. I cannot tell you what you should do, I can only tell you what I would probably do.

In truth I think that the sexual relationship between you and your friend should cease. Just my opinion. But I'm telling you girl, we women think with our hearts. I just don't see how continuing this sexual relationship will help your marriage unless you are both interested in a poly type relationship. Now this does work! There are lots of couples that live as a 3 person marriage and love it. Not many can do it, but kudos to those that can! But if your husband is not into that sort of relationship I would suggest finding another hotsy totsy, screwing his brains out, going home with your husband and fucking each other's brains out. The great thing about this is the rush of the lust factor. Not love. BUT thats just me.

I would suggest though that you not put your relationship with your husband in jeapordy because y'all seem to have a fantastic thing going....and you really want to talk with him. He may be feeling jealousy or hurt and just not letting you know. So dig a little deeper to make sure that you are really getting what he is feeling.

Best of luck to you!!! Shelly

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by luvjazz

I think what's really bothering me, after reflecting for a couple more days, is that my friend just met someone new. He just moved to a new area, and had met someone on an online dating site. His first day in town, he spent the night with this woman. I don't know if they had sex or not, and I'm not asking. This was four days after our encounter. I care about my friend, I want him to be happy, but I can't help feeling hurt. Obviously, that night meant more to me than it did to him. Expected, I suppose. Still hurts though, and I'm a bit afraid to talk with him about that.

Yes welcome to jealousy 101. The problem isn't your friend, the problem is you. For him it meant exactly what it should have been. Casual fun sex with a long time friend. For you its become a new love. You are the one with the issue not him, and you are the one that needs to get over it, not him.

I'll be the first to say that I've had some jealousy issues with swing partners when I've seen them playing with someone else. Jealousy is a natural reaction to sex much like love, in fact the two are pretty well intertwined. This is something you will NEED to learn to separate and get over. Don't be a slave to your chemistry here. I know its easy to say 'get over it' when I don't have the feelings, but thats just what you are going to have to do.

[iapr]

I would like to point out a couple things that I think are pertinent here and hope you can get turned around and at least not suffer any more distress over this than what you need to.

- first off you say this was a spur of the moment encounter. Did you and your husband discuss swinging or anything before this happened or did things just happen one night? This is a very significant question. Many swinging couple discuss swinging and what it means to them for months or even many years before they actually do anything. This gives them time to think about and discuss feelings and beliefs and issues that may arise. It also gives them a chance to understand that in order to swing without driving yourself crazy that you need to keep your feelings of love and devotion and commitment between your spouse and keep the sexuality with playmates as a source of recreational pleasure and excitement.

- I don't want to preach but swinging with a traditional friend (especially one that you already have a bit of the warmiese for) is almost always a bad idea and your story here underscores this perfectly. If you continue to consider swinging I would recommend only playing with people you meet in the lifesyle.

- You have already discovered this but the swinging experience can be very powerfull. If you have been monogamous and comfortable for a long time a new playmate can awaken feelings you haven't felt in a long time and can make you feel alive and vibrant and energized in ways you haven't experienced in a long time or maybe even ever. It can be easy to confuse these feelings for love. The trick is to channel those feelings into your relationship with your spouse and to use it for your sexual energy as a couple and not to focus it onto the other person. Swinging is a powerfull experience and it does produce a strong reaction that is why we are all here, you problem is you have focused that energy onto your play buddy and not your spouse.

My advice is take that energy and feelings of being alive and desirable and sexual and focus it onto your husband and the two of you rock the house just the two of you. THAT is what swinging is really about.

- Do whatever it takes to get over your feelings of jealousy over your playmate getting a new chick. He was acting in good faith and seeing your encounter for what it was and is moving on, you need to do the same. You got some extra pleasure and excitement out of the deal and that is what it was for. Jealousy and hanging on to any other hopes is just wasted time and energy.

- My bottom line advice for you is to scrap everything related to swinging and go back to the drawing board. You two need to sit down and have some long talks about your relationship and whether swinging is right for you or not. The fact that you develops such strong feelings of attachment right out of the shoot on your first experience shows a thousand red flags. Swinging may not be right for you, it isn't right for the vast vast vast vast majority of people. That is why maritial monogamy has been the official sexual practice of almost every culture thoughout almost all of human history on the planet.

Like I said earlier many couples take many months or even years of discussion and self exploration and discovery before they start to dip their toe into the lifestyle. I recommend you do the same.

Take care and good luck.

[luvjazz]

Originally Posted by iapr

- first off you say this was a spur of the moment encounter. Did you and your husband discuss swinging or anything before this happened or did things just happen one night? This is a very significant question.

My husband and I have talked about having a threesome for years, long before we had ever met our friend. He has always wanted to watch me with another guy. We had never gone beyond discussing, and were having difficulty figuring out the best way to know who to choose. We discussed inviting our friend (just between us) for weeks before we brought up the subject directly to him. We first invited him to join us about three weeks ago, and initially he declined though he said he was interested in the idea. The night it actually happened was the night before he left town; he has moved away to a new job. He said he had never thought of a threesome with us before we brought it up, and then he couldn't stop thinking about it. I think we all saw the opportunity--possibly even the last chance--and took it. So it wasn't exactly spur of the moment, since it had come up in conversations both with two of us and three of us. But the encounter itself came up almost without warning. I hope that explains it a bit better.

I personally had never thought of swinging until hubby mentioned it. I feel like I should reciprocate, as in inviting another woman to join us, to be "fair." Hubby has mentioned the possibility of another couple instead, which might help kill off these feelings for my friend plus take the pressure off of me a bit since I do not consider myself bi. But after the mess I have been this week, I am starting to reconsider any of these scenarios. Maybe this just wasn't for me after all.

It definitely helps to have some objective opinions, though. I'm very glad I found this forum!

[Mr. HW Sharona]

My advice, though short and simple, holds very true, at least in our experiences.....

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

[ShellyM]

Luvjazz,
I don't know that swinging isn't for you.....there is a saying that you will hear ALOT in the lifestyle. You can make friends out of swingers but you can't make swingers out of friends. I'm telling you. I don't know you, and can't tell you what you should or should not do. Number one, like I said before: I would advise no more sex with the friend. You have got to come to terms with the fact that swinging is about lust and recreational sex. Nothing scares other couples off more than the fear that someone will get attached. Jay and I are here to have sex with you, party, have a blast...but we're going home with each other. If you cannot separate sex from love you are not going to be able to be a happy swinger. Some people can't! I have a good friend who cannot imagine how Jay and I do what we do (she is vanilla of course). To her sex is so intertwined with romantic love that she could never separate the two. So you should really introspect and look within yourself.
Shelly

[iapr]

[quote=luvjazz]My husband and I have talked about having a threesome for years, long before we had ever met our friend. He has always wanted to watch me with another guy. We had never gone beyond discussing, and were having difficulty figuring out the best way to know who to choose. We discussed inviting our friend (just between us) for weeks before we brought up the subject directly to him. We first invited him to join us about three weeks ago, and initially he declined though he said he was interested in the idea. The night it actually happened was the night before he left town; he has moved away to a new job. He said he had never thought of a threesome with us before we brought it up, and then he couldn't stop thinking about it. I think we all saw the opportunity--possibly even the last chance--and took it. So it wasn't exactly spur of the moment, since it had come up in conversations both with two of us and three of us. But the encounter itself came up almost without warning. I hope that explains it a bit better.

QUOTE]


Yes that helps and the fact that this has been a topic of discussion for some time does help your cause significantly.

I will stick to my original suggestion in that I think it would be wise to regroup and you and your hubby get your act back together again and see if this is something for you or not.

I will add that not only is the swinging experience powerfull but that there are feelings involved and some of them can be strong. I have had feelings and affection and appreciation for every single one of my play partners and I have had fond memories of them and images of them in mind for days and weeks and months afterward.

The difference is in that I have no doubt whatsoever in who it is in who I love and where my loyalties and commitments go. I may appreciate and enjoy a play partner and I may have fond memories and fantasies of her after the encounter but there is never any doubt in my mind of who I am going home with and who I have a life and a home and family with.

And as i said in my prior post the energy and stimulation and excitement of our play encounters gets channeled into my wife and I's love and sex life and the focus is on us as a couple and not on the people that we play with. We really like to have a fun play encounter with another couple but we LOVE to get home and shake the rafters when it is the end of the night and just the two of us together again.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Yes, I'm going to 'kill' Ed.

Chicup is quite correct.