Should I tell her about my past cheating?

[AlbertaSwing]

The Mrs. and I have gotten into the Lifestyle about six months ago. We are really enjoying it and we have talked like we have never talked before. Our relationship and sex life have improved greatly since we started down this path. There is just this one thing on my mind. In our pre swing days I cheated on the Mrs. and I have not told her about it. Since our relationship has reached a new level I would like to be honest and tell her about my past transgressions, but I am not sure I should. I do not want to ruin what we have now. What do people here think, should I potentially rock the boat and tell her or should I forget about it and never discuss it?

[imsnowman]

Originally Posted by AlbertaSwing

The Mrs. and I have gotten into the Lifestyle about six months ago. We are really enjoying it and we have talked like we have never talked before. Our relationship and sex life have improved greatly since we started down this path. There is just this one thing on my mind. In our pre swing days I cheated on the Mrs. and I have not told her about it. Since our relationship has reached a new level I would like to be honest and tell her about my past transgressions, but I am not sure I should. I do not want to ruin what we have now. What do people here think, should I potentially rock the boat and tell her or should I forget about it and never discuss it?

You need to figure out why you want to tell her. Most counselors say that merely assuaging your guilt is not really good enough. You're merely unloading your problem on her.

[lovinher]

Only you can answer this because we don't know your wife or your situation. If I was the one cheated on in the past and my marriage was better now than it has ever been, I would not want to know.

[MRnMSbhaven]

Originally Posted by imsnowman

You need to figure out why you want to tell her. Most counselors say that merely assuaging your guilt is not really good enough. You're merely unloading your problem on her.

As the person on the receiving end of that conversation one night many years ago... I would have to agree with that. Although I do have to say I felt like quite the fool when it came to light that everyone but me knew of this.

Essentially what you are doing is telling your spouse that you lied to them in a pretty signifigant manner. I would never advocate keeping secrets but would seriously urge you to look at your motivation before you make a decision.
I can say that it will hurt badly if you tell. It will change the way things are. There is no way around it. If you want the honesty then that's the price you will have to pay.
I can also say that it is something that you can get through together and still have a fabulous relationship if you make the time and effort it will take to rebuild the trust. It took us time but we're still here & happy 12 years later.

MSbhaven

[intuition897]

This depends greatly on your relationship. I can't really tell you what to do, but I'm leaning toward honesty.

You're building a new foundation, one of honesty, and when you build a foundation you want only the strongest materials possible. To me, in our relationship, this would be like accepting a poorly made mud brick in the place of a stone. Perhaps the rest of the foundation is strong enough to hold up, but this mud brick doesn't add to the stability of the structure. It detracts from it. It's a flaw. Maybe I'm a perfectionist and an idealist, but if I can avoid a flaw, I will.

I have no idea how your wife will react to your admission, should you choose to make one. I can assure you, though, that no matter how kindly and gently you break it to her, no matter how much you've changed or how sincere you are, her heart will be broken. Her only consolation is that you are no longer the schmuck you were, that she has a better partner for it, and that you now know how to appreciate what you have. Small comfort I'm afraid.

As I said, I can't dictate to you what your personal values should be. One of the things that Mr. intuition and I have in common is a shared value for honesty. We value honesty above personal happiness and comfort. Truth is what it is, and we'd rather live in the real world. If you and your wife do not share the same view, that's fine and I can respect that. I guess that's where you have to look, though, to decide whether complete honesty is worth the price or not. For us it is, but for others it may not be. The rule of thumb is this: does it add to or detract from the quality of your life together?

[Chicup]

Do you like hurting your wife?

I'd say thats the most likely result and sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

[SouthBond]

No. But if you continue to cheat, she will find out. We all have things in our past that are better left in the past.

[ShellyM]

OP, thats a hard call. I do not want to render any opinion because I'm not a therapist and do not want to sway you into doing something that will affect your life at such a level. I think you need to sit with yourself and think about what you need to do. You know the answer.
Best of luck,
Shelly

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by AlbertaSwing

The Mrs. and I have gotten into the Lifestyle about six months ago. We are really enjoying it and we have talked like we have never talked before. Our relationship and sex life have improved greatly since we started down this path.

I relate to the feelings that come when this level of closeness is reached. As a wife, she probably felt the distance between you while you were cheating. Even if she didn't "know" you were cheating, I'm sure she felt like you were a million miles away. Now, you're back. You're talking about everything, sharing intimate things on a deep level. She is probably thrilled with the way things are going in your marriage - this intimacy is every woman's dream.

If you drop the bomb on her now, it will likely destroy everything you've built. It will break her heart. At least, I know that the cheating bomb would break my heart, if I were in her shoes. It would be even worse after she's been built up with new hope and happiness, having grown close to you again, maybe closer than you ever were before.

Are you sorry for the past? Realize that everything you thought you wanted was really right at home? Learned that by being open and sharing your deepest passions with the love of your life, you can have it all? If so, accept the lesson learned, vow to yourself never to go back to cheating and sneaking around, and move forward with your wife. Forgive yourself and spend the rest of your life loving her.

This is my personal feeling of course -- not expert advice by any means. I'm just putting myself in her shoes and knowing how I'd feel.

[Hotwife Sharona]

Granted we do not know ALL the facts here, but based on just what you wrote I would say just keep it to yourself.

If you are truly sorry, and have all this guilt-just use it to show her how much SHE means to you & vow to YOURSELF not to do it again.

Mistakes are something we learn from-my daddy used to say a mistake is something you do once but if it happens again, you damn knew better.

[Drusilla]

No, no, no, no...there is no good to be gained from telling her.

Btw, I am by no means an expert but I did graduate with a BS in Child & human development and family relationships. Granted that was a few years ago and I'm not currently practicing social work, but I have seen some couples in this predicament.

From what I've seen, the only good that comes out of telling is that the guilty party is able to ease their guilt a bit by "getting it off their chest". Well, yippee for you but now you've laid all those awful feelings on your non-cheating spouse. You feel so much better, she feels like crap. How kind of you.

You will not be doing your wife any favors by telling her. The guilt is yours....you earned it.

Originally Posted by Hotwife Sharona

Granted we do not know ALL the facts here, but based on just what you wrote I would say just keep it to yourself.

If you are truly sorry, and have all this guilt-just use it to show her how much SHE means to you & vow to YOURSELF not to do it again.

Well said and precisely what I would have said had you not already said it!

Originally Posted by Hotwife Sharona

Mistakes are something we learn from-my daddy used to say a mistake is something you do once but if it happens again, you damn knew better.

Your Daddy sounds like a smart man!

[tangyspecial]

If it was a one night stand that happened, I would want to know. I would be hurt, but happy that he was able to feel comfortable enough to tell me. I would get over it easily because our marriage means more to me than that.

If it was an affair that involved feelings and many sexual encounters, I would not want to know. That would be too painful for me to handle right now. He can tell me in 10 years or so.

This is coming from someone who has been with her husband for 8 years and 3 children. If soul mates exist, that's what we would be. If you question the strength of your marriage, ignore my advice.

N-Mrs.

[JTcamp05]

You would just be hurting her to make yourself feel less guilty......


Keep your mouth shut!

[Mr. Truelove]

One of the things that Mr. intuition and I have in common is a shared value for honesty. We value honesty above personal happiness and comfort. Truth is what it is, and we'd rather live in the real world. If you and your wife do not share the same view, that's fine and I can respect that.

I completely agree with statement by Intuition. I like living in the real world, not a a fake world where the wool has been pulled over my eyes. I would rather be hurt and know the truth. If you survive it, you'll come out stronger than ever. Honesty and being able to communicate your feelings will only strengthen your relationship. Continuing to lie is cheating in itself.

Mr. Truelove

[apraskov]

It is up to you to decide. Here's what I think about it, taken from personal experience. Your results may vary.

Your life together will never be the same after you tell her. It will be up to BOTH OF YOU to go trough this and if your relationship is strong enough it will survive. It may even move to another level, where (like Intuition said) honesty becomes more valuable, people become more open and not as easily hurt. Or, also a possibility to consider, she does not take that information well and your relationship goes down the drain.

We are still recovering from a news like that. It's been 4 years (been married for 11 years now). While now that I think that I made the best out of it and our relationship is even stronger than before, that was not the case for a very long time.

I hope this helps and good luck.