Husband is no longer interested, but won't say why.

[MoonLightKiss]

Hey all. Well it seems our swinging life has come to an end. Husband last night comes to me and says "We need to talk." Naturally I am thinking "Uh-oh, kids did something, money is tight or something."

Once the kids are in bed, and we settle down at the kitchen table (which is where we have all our discussions) he tells me he doesn't want to swing anymore. I was kinda surprised at this because he always seemed to have fun when we went out to have fun. But I have always said on this board that at any time a spouse wants to stop, then you stop. And I am a firm believer in practicing what you preach...so...

I looked at him and said that was okay, we were in this for fun, and if he was no longer having fun then its okay. He asked if I was mad about it, and I chuckled and said "of course not, why would I be? I love you, not the play partners. You matter more than anyone, and if you wanna stop then because I respect you we stop." Or something along those lines.

But I did ask him why. I made it very clear I was not asking why to try and find a reason to change his mind. The bottom line is stop means stop and the only reason I was asking was so that I understood why. It helps to know why, I would think. I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't something that was done by me or said. But all I get from him is "just 'cause".

We have really opened up lines of communication during this time in our lives and I do not want to see them close just because we have decided to call it quits. But I do not want to pester him and push him to answer a question either. Am I wrong for wanting to know the why's? If I am I guess I will just drop it. And if I am not wrong for wanting to know why, does anyone have any advice on how to approach him now. I am afraid that now if i approach him he might think I am pestering him, and I don't want that either. I just have no idea how to get this in the open. I feel like part of him has just closed up, with no explanations. Anyone else deal with this?

[flkeyscouple]

MLK, I have no experience in this arena, but has Mr. MLK normally read this site? If so you can tell him you started a thread and see if he has interest in checking it out - your explanation above says it all - it tells me you love HIM, you respect his decision without question, however you really want to know the 'why' involved. I think it's a natural request - to know why.

I know that my hubby and I, after joining this lifestyle, have opened up our communications even more than before. I, too, would miss that part of our relationship. I can't imagine that it would end, but maybe it's the lifestyle that promotes that extra communication. I hope not - I hope it's just part of us now. I know you hope that too.

Keep us informed. There are many on this board that 'used' to swing, and we'd miss you if you left the board completely.

Mrs. FLKeysCouple

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

Hey all. Well it seems our swinging life has come to an end. Husband last night comes to me and says "We need to talk." Naturally I am thinking "Uh-oh, kids did something, money is tight or something."

Once the kids are in bed, and we settle down at the kitchen table (which is where we have all our discussions) he tells me he doesn't want to swing anymore. I was kinda surprised at this because he always seemed to have fun when we went out to have fun. But I have always said on this board that at any time a spouse wants to stop, then you stop. And I am a firm believer in practicing what you preach...so...

I looked at him and said that was okay, we were in this for fun, and if he was no longer having fun then its okay. He asked if I was mad about it, and I chuckled and said "of course not, why would I be? I love you, not the play partners. You matter more than anyone, and if you wanna stop then because I respect you we stop." Or something along those lines.

But I did ask him why. I made it very clear I was not asking why to try and find a reason to change his mind. The bottom line is stop means stop and the only reason I was asking was so that I understood why. It helps to know why, I would think. I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't something that was done by me or said. But all I get from him is "just 'cause".

We have really opened up lines of communication during this time in our lives and I do not want to see them close just because we have decided to call it quits. But I do not want to pester him and push him to answer a question either. Am I wrong for wanting to know the why's? If I am I guess I will just drop it. And if I am not wrong for wanting to know why, does anyone have any advice on how to approach him now. I am afraid that now if i approach him he might think I am pestering him, and I don't want that either. I just have no idea how to get this in the open. I feel like part of him has just closed up, with no explanations. Anyone else deal with this?

I totally agree with your comments about "no means no" in any context.

I'd give him a week or so, then revisit the issue. And I'd want to know the "why's" as well -- not to try to change minds, but just for better understanding.

At the present time, though, I bet he truly appreciates your being understanding and supportive without knowing all the facts. Because of your love and trust, you can take his comments for face value. But after he has time to think and adjust (he may be thinking that he's disappointed you), then I would revisit the question.

Good luck!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

It helps to know why, I would think. I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't something that was done by me or said. But all I get from him is "just 'cause".

We have really opened up lines of communication during this time in our lives and I do not want to see them close just because we have decided to call it quits. But I do not want to pester him and push him to answer a question either. Am I wrong for wanting to know the why's?

No, you're not wrong at all for wanting to understand your husband and wanting to understand why you two are ending the lifestyle. It's totally natural for you to want to know, especially for the sake of the two of you communicating, being close, and understanding each other.

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

And if I am not wrong for wanting to know why, does anyone have any advice on how to approach him now. I am afraid that now if i approach him he might think I am pestering him, and I don't want that either. I just have no idea how to get this in the open. I feel like part of him has just closed up, with no explanations.

I agree with the advice you got about biding your time and being patient with him, but not dropping the issue, either. I'd give him lots of love and positive attention. Maybe plan some things for just the two of you, romantic things as a couple. Reinforce your relationship. Be sexy for him, the way you do if you're getting ready for a lifestyle connection, but now just for him. All of these things will put action behind the words you told him. Like somebody said, he might be feeling bad that he's "letting you down" by wanting out of the lifestyle.

To be honest, there are times that I think I want to get out of it, and as soon as I have that thought, my very next thought is of disappointing my husband. I know intellectually that he'd be as cool about it as you are with your husband, but I still feel that I don't want to take something away from him...you know?

Your husband might just be feeling kind of badly about that right now. The more reassurance he gets from you that it's okay, the better he'll feel. I'd bring up the "why" question again in the future when the moment feels just right. I'll bet you'll have that communication door wide open again real soon.

[MoonLightKiss]

Thanks so much for the advice You all are probably right. He might just be dealing with feeling like he let me down. I am going to give him some time, patience, and plenty of HOT lovin' Then in a week or two approach him calmly and retell him how important he is and how much I love him, and that I appreciate how honest he was for telling me he wanted to stop rather than going ahead and keep doing it. Then I am gonna tell him that I fully support his decision and I am still curious as to why he made it if he would like to share it with me. If he still doesn't do it, I will probably just tell him that I love him, and the why's are not important, its the stop that was and that if he changes his mind I will listen and if not, that I hope he doesn't feel that our communication skills should go back to the way they were before we ventured into swinging.

You guys are absolutely wonderful with the advice.

[Tybee Swing]

MoonLight, I think your plan sounds excellent - the whole thing! I hope you tell us how it goes, I'd really love to know the outcome.

Big hugs to you!

[lovinher]

It sounds like your doing all the right things. Just curious and not pointing fingers but have any issues come up recently that may have been simmering? It does seem odd that someone would just change their mind out of the blue like that and then not discuss why.

[gatorvol64]

I agree with Tybee Swing....I think your plan is great! It gives him a chance to see that you aren't upset with him, that you love him. And it gives him a chance to break down his reasons into a way to explain them to you. I bet he is thinking about this... especially since you've asked why. Good luck!

Vol

[bear_and_babe]

It could be that he does not have just one reason to get out of the lifestyle. It could be a lot of little things that have added up to his decision and he is having a problem figuring out how to voice that.

I am also thinking of getting out of the lifestyle and I can not come up with just one reason. For me it is a lot of small things that have added up to how I feel about things.

I think you are right in how you are going to handle this. I know that Bear will support me in my decision, no matter what it is. Our communication has also improved with the lifestyle and I know that is the one positive thing that we will keep. Good luck!

[MoonLightKiss]

Originally Posted by lovinher

It sounds like your doing all the right things. Just curious and not pointing fingers but have any issues come up recently that may have been simmering? It does seem odd that someone would just change their mind out of the blue like that and then not discuss why.

To answer your question, not that I am aware of. But that doesn't mean something was not said that may have given him a reason. I have racked my brain trying to figure out if maybe something I said or did could in any way be construed as disrespectful or anything, but I am at a loss. Of course, you know the old saying Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, so I suppose it is possible I said one thing and he heard another or vice versa. But in all honesty, I really don't know.

And you are right, it did seem odd for it to come out of the blue and then not get a reason why. Which is why it probably bugged me so bad. But he did read my post here, and he did mention before leaving to go help his friend fix his truck that he understood why I wanted to know why and that as soon as he gets it all worked out in his head he will let me know. Said something about he didn't want to say it wrong and hurt my feelings. So that's progress. Now I know there is a reason and I know I will get it soon. Patience is the key, which btw is not my forte' lol. Thanks for all the great advice and I will let you know the whys as soon as I know

[MoonLightKiss]

Well we had our talk. It seems that there were several reasons, and I am probably most bothered by the fact that I didn't pick up on them sooner. He says that he was uncomfortable with actually seeing another man be with me on some levels. On others he was glad to see that we could have fun, and that at first it was like he was a kid in the candy store, but as the new wore off, he started to get that little niggle inside that wouldn't go away. He said he isn't sure why its there, but that it does make him uncomfortable and if he ever figures out the specific reason he will tell me. I told him not to dwell on it, but if it was something I said or did, to please tell me so that I can atleast apologize. He assured me that none of this was due to anything I said or did, not even indirectly.

His other reason was that he got scared we were ignoring ourselves. I didn't quite understand this as we do spend plenty of time alone together, and we do pay attention to each other. But his feelings were, he works, spring is coming which means his business is going to start back up (mowing business) and he will be working 70+ hours a week, I have school, kids have scouts, sports, and their school, my mother and father moved so we have to drive 1 1/2 hours to see them now to visit, which we try to do every week, my grandmother who is frail still lives in town and I have taken over checking in on her every couple of days, and he just felt like adding something else to the plate (ie.swinging) was just asking to take time away from us. He felt that we would have to sacrifice our alone time to swing, and I agreed with him on that. That is not something we should do. We enjoy our alone time and need it.

He said he thought about just saying we needed to take a break, but he didn't want to say break, and it end up being so long a while before we got back into the swing of things (pun intended) that I felt that he had used a break as an excuse to quit. Which would have bothered me if the break would have turned into permanancy, I would have said, "Why did you say break, if you meant stop?" So he said stop, with a "maybe at some point in the future. I will let you know when I am ready, if I ever am."

So, I told him again, that I love him and its not a problem for us to stop. We agreed that we learned alot by swinging especially in communication skills, that we don't want to "unlearn" just because swinging is no longer a part of our lives. We've also made some great friends that we still chat with and can get together in a vanilla way that we don't want to give up.

So, thought I would answer the "why" question now that I have the answers. And its alright. I can't say I am not disappointed at all, cause it was fun But our swinging days are over, or at least on a VERY long extended leave of absence.

[gatorvol64]

I knew that, once he had things figured out, he'd tell you. And he gave you some very valid reasons. My husband works shift work and that alone calls for some odd times to spend together. When he works overtime, that makes it even harder and we have wanted to just spend the time we find together alone.

I have to say that I admire him for saying he wants to stop instead of wanting a break. It doesn't look like break is what he wants and he could have taken the easier way out by saying it was. That is the communication you want to keep.

There will come a time when we won't be swinging anymore...it could be tomorrow or 2 years or who knows. But I do know that at the end of it all I'll be happy for the things I got to share with him and thankful for the friends we've made.

Vol

[prettylady]

I am glad to see things are working out right. I love your understanding of his feelings. I get what he is saying too. Dog and I don't live together, we accually live an hour apart. With my kids and his dogs we don't get alot of time to be together so when we first started this journey I was worried that it would interfere with our time. It is beginning to become to much for me as well. Not that we swing alot, still only did it once, but it seems spring fever has struck before spring has and we keep getting emails and from people who are exacly what we are looking for. So NOW I am beginning to worry about time alone. If this gets to be a regular weekend thing I too will have to ask Dog to back off. Not ready to stop, just slow down on the dates.
I hope you are still going to hang out with us. If not I get that to, it may seem to your hubby that you are trying to keep the dream alive.
Remember we are always here for you
Love ya girlie
Your friend,
Prettylady

[MoonLightKiss]

prettylady, you couldn't drag me from this board with a log chain and a 2 ton pickup. He knows this board is more than just "let's screw" Its a place of openminded individuals that support each other not just in swinging but in other life areas too. Rarely do you meet people that are not only open minded, but honest and willing to kick your ass when you need it. Which I have probably needed a time or three. So I plan on hanging around for a while yet.

All my best
MLK

[graygo98]

You probably don't believe this, but you are very young. There is so much time ahead of you to re-enter the lifestyle if the urge returns. Life really does begin at 40. Honest!

Right now you both are running 110% with young kids, family, jobs and school. In five or ten years time your world will look very different and you will have more time for just yourselves. And believe me, five years goes by like a flash.

Sure, you will miss the excitement of getting ready to go out, of meeting people for the first time, the "secret thrill" of belonging to a special communitey and everything else that goes with it. But you have a lot of big challenges ahead of you. (Has anyone told you about preteens?) Enjoy them, they are behind you in the blink of an eye.