I broke communications with a couple...they want a "specific" reason

[bill&sabrina]

I broke communications with a couple last night. I told them I didn't feel our personalities mesh, and I can't ignore some things that continue happening. I was just as general then as now, because I don't feel I owe them specifics. I feel it is my right to make the choice I did without having to explain. The wife said she was disappointed, but she respected that. However the husband wants to know in more specific terms. He came on messenger and asked why I felt that way. I told him I already gave my reason. I left the computer, and put it out of my mind. Well today I find an email asking again what specifically couldn't I ignore. My response was, "My gut telling me to cease communications." Is anything wrong with how I handled this?

Bill

[havefuninsun]

Maybe the reason the husband is asking is that he thinks they have done/said something inappropriate, can't imagine what it is, and would like to know for future reference.

My guess is he's not trying to be obnoxious; he probably respects your decision. He just doesn't want to make the same mistake twice. So, if there is something you feel like you can share, for self-growth purposes, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

(to answer your specific question though, no, you didn't handle it wrong.)

[DBL D]

Hey Bill,

You have that right. It's happened to us. It just comes as a surprise to people, especially if the date(s) went well. Personally I would feel that I owe them more of an explanation. Don't you care if you are known as someone who is honest enough to do that? I do.

Some people will use your response to place blame. If they felt they were doing everything you wanted and then you nix things, it kinda stings. Sure, we're all grown-ups (right!) but this is a way you can show you have the maturity to tell them what happened. My wife said she lost interest in a couple because he made her feel uneasy. I thought everyone got along great, so was I surprised? Pretty generic and I thought the real reason was something else. Just make sure you give the real reasons if you ever decide to let someone know why you decided what you did. Sometimes it's impossible to get everyone on the same page.

Male D

[iapr]

You have already told them a lot more than what we would have. Soemtimes if someone has much different preferences (ie girl-girl or male-male etc) than
we do we will mention that they are looking for different things than us but for the most part we will just site we are not interested or that we do not believe we are compatable and leave it at that. We also believe that no response is a valid response and just do not write back anymore. If we write to someone and they do not write back we take that as no interest and just move on as well.

Even though we are all brought up to believe communication can conquer all and that all differences can be worked out, this is one area where it can't. If you believe you are incompatable then you are. If you were to give them specific reasons why you do not wish to see or talk to them any more they will just try and tell you why you are wrong to believe that. Noone likes to be rejected and if you give them a specific reason why you are rejecting them they will try and tell you how misunderstood something or that there is something they can fix. The problem is you can't fix lack of interest. It is either there or it isn't and if it isn't you just move on.

You have already said your peice so just leave it at that and do not write back any more. They may write a couple more times but if those messages go completely unanswered they will either get the hint or will lose interest themselves.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by bill&sabrina

I broke communications with a couple last night. I told them I didn't feel our personalities mesh, and I can't ignore some things that continue happening. I was just as general then as now, because I don't feel I owe them specifics. I feel it is my right to make the choice I did without having to explain. The wife said she was disappointed, but she respected that. However the husband wants to know in more specific terms. He came on messenger and asked why I felt that way. I told him I already gave my reason. I left the computer, and put it out of my mind. Well today I find an email asking again what specifically couldn't I ignore. My response was, "My gut telling me to cease communications." Is anything wrong with how I handled this?

Bill

I don't see any problem with the way you handled it. I have done the same thing on a couple occasions, and have had the same reaction (i.e., the husband IM'ing me wanting the reasons for our decision).

I will give a reason if it's as easy as we don't have the same interests. Gut feelings are harder to explain, and I don't think I need to go into detail for those decisions. The two times I have been more specific upon request both ended up with the other party arguing that we were a good match and to give 'em another chance. It isn't worth it.

You seemed to have been polite about your decision, and that's that. Luckily, "Permanent Stealth" is available on the chat programs for those who don't quite understand "thanks, but no thanks".

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by DBL D

You have that right. It's happened to us...Personally I would feel that I owe them more of an explanation. Don't you care if you are known as someone who is honest enough to do that? I do.

Dito
As it's been said, you have the right to give them as little or as much information as you would like.

From my standpoint, I would hate to be left wondering…did we say something that was taken out of context? Was there a misunderstanding? Is it something we (N and/or I) can examine about ourselves and make some positive changes?

If we don't want to meet a couple again, we are usually somewhat vague with the reason. If they ask for clarification, we give it. Nobody has gotten sideways yet.

[TheSwingerSet]

Originally Posted by iapr

We also believe that no response is a valid response and just do not write back anymore. If we write to someone and they do not write back we take that as no interest and just move on as well.

I had to respond to this statement, We do not belive that "No response" is valid in any situation. A polite no thank you or not intrested works much better, and shows that you A. got the message they sent, and B. have taken the time to consider it.

To answer ther OP, I think you have handeled it perfectly, there is no reason that you have to give your reasons. I would answer back again the same thing "that we are not intrested any longer".


K

[bill&sabrina]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Hey Bill,

You have that right. It's happened to us. It just comes as a surprise to people, especially if the date(s) went well. Personally I would feel that I owe them more of an explanation. Don't you care if you are known as someone who is honest enough to do that? I do.

I had nothing else to tell them. We had never met, and were still in the talking stage. I felt we were having personality conflicts, and to ignore that would have made for a lousy time if we had meet with them.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by bill&sabrina

I can't ignore some things that continue happening.

If there are specific things he's doing that are bothersome, it might save the next couple some grief if someone pointed this out to him in a straightforward way -- plus, it might help him from making that same mistake twice, or three times, etc.

Originally Posted by DBL D

Hey Bill,
You have that right. It's happened to us. It just comes as a surprise to people, especially if the date(s) went well. Personally I would feel that I owe them more of an explanation. Don't you care if you are known as someone who is honest enough to do that? I do.
Male D

I have to agree with this. I don't think the way you handled it was wrong, but *I* would have given them more of a detailed explanation as to why I would want to break off all communication. Gut feelings are hard to explain, but then saying, "the chemisty just isn't there" isn't too overboard, either.

"We don't like the way you treat your wife" or "I don't like the language you use" is one example. "I don't like the way you make flippant remarks about this or that" is another. Then -- if he e-mails you and requests further information, I'd probably be deleting e-mails and figure that he really can't take "no" for an answer.

[Spoomonkey]

I think you handled it correctly, IMHO. You could have told them more, but that might have been awkward. Besides, what were they looking for? Constructive criticism? A chance to change your mind? A little bit of "point/counter point"?

Everyone has reasons why they do something and chances are, they aren't really all that flattering. They are probably better off not knowing (i.e. obsessing about it) anyway.

Spoomonkey

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by bill&sabrina

I had nothing else to tell them. We had never met, and were still in the talking stage. I felt we were having personality conflicts, and to ignore that would have made for a lousy time if we had meet with them.

I was glad you came gack to include this information because it was just what I wanted to know.

At this stage in your relationship, which is hardly a relationship at this point, you did exactly the right thing.

You can only be diplomatic and courteous when you write the rejection letter, keeping it short and sweet. If they ask why, write once more explaining that you never give the reason and wish them well. If they write again, ignore them. If they write again, block them.

LM

[VanHlebar]

Hi Bill,

I have to agree that since you had not already met with the couple and you were getting odd feelings about them, then no, I don't think you were a jerk. I think we would have done something very similar if we had not already met them.

Telling people that you are not interested is one of the worst parts of this LS in my opinion. We just recently had to break things off with a couple because of issues and it was very difficult to send that particular email. We choose the high road and basically explained in vague terms what the issues where but we tried to stay away from specifics because we just felt that it would be similar to kicking a person while they were down. It's bad enough after meeting them many times that we wanted to break it off, no need to add salt to the wounds.

I would most likely just block the individuals if they keep IMing you or if they are sending you emails through a profile site, then block them there also. If they are sending you private emails, then setup a filter and just block the email within that filter. Then you won't have to deal with them again.

-Van

[EvilMJ]

I have to agree with the others. Sometimes too much information is not always a good thing and it could lead to ugliness, if they got defensive or upset. You were polite and straight forward. The continued request for infomration, to me, would a huge turn off and confirmation that I had made the right decision by not going any futher.

[bigjoehd]

Originally Posted by TheSwingerSet

I had to respond to this statement, We do not belive that "No response" is valid in any situation. A polite no thank you or not intrested works much better, and shows that you A. got the message they sent, and B. have taken the time to consider it.
K

I couldnt agree more,i believe that as long as people are being respecfull they deserve a response,the whole no response deal is part of what makes new people get so frustrated when their just getting into the life & it helps to burn out people who have been active.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by bill&sabrina

I had nothing else to tell them. We had never met, and were still in the talking stage. I felt we were having personality conflicts, and to ignore that would have made for a lousy time if we had meet with them.

Oooooh... I didn't see this until I'd made my post, also.

OK... in light of this, you handled it appropriately. You'd never met and therefore, didn't feel the need to move on. I apologize for my other long-winded post. I'd thought you'd met already and were in the talking stages for meeting.