My wife has lost interest in sex and swinging

[nycpl52]

We have been married 26 yrs, been together over 30. Have had the usual ups and downs. Wife seldom if ever initiates sex. Several years ago we started camming, she luvs to have sex, and or mastubate on cam but I have to suggest it, and find a couple or female for us to cam with. About 2 yrs ago we started camming with a local couple that were also swingers. We did some soft swinging for about a 2 yrs. We also went to several off premise club dances. At some dances she would be up on the floor dancing, and appearing to be having a great time. Even danced topples with some of the other ladies. We became very good friends with another couple, going to dinner, etc. Then about six months ago wife started to lose interest in sex. Said she no longer wanted to go to club, if fact did not want anyone but me to even touch her. She said she never liked swinging. She seems to have lost all interst in sex, we now have sex maybe once a week, if at all. She is 55, and has been taking meds for panic attackes for several years. She tells me she has just lost interest in sex. We talk about this constantly, and both agree that our sex life together was great when we were going to the swingers club she wants nothing to with even just going to a club. One other thing, she wears her sexy underwear to work (because she likes how it feels). But only wears white cotton granny underwear on weekends for me?

[EvilMJ]

Lose of interest in sex can stem from lots of things.

How long has she been on her panic attack medication - are the side effects a factor

She is 55 which is the menopause age which also affects a woman's sex drive.

I think that you need to really sit down and talk to her about how she is feeling, not just about sex, but in general. Sometimes there are things going on that affect sex, stress, pressures, depression.

Some times the exictement getting into swinging can be fun but after the newness wears off her true feelings may be that she isnt' interested and she doesn't want to paritcipate anymore.

I hope you two can work this out

[nycpl52]

I have tried talking , not just about sex, but other issues she insist there is nothing wrong. Her medication, and menopause are definite factors but she doesn't like to talk about altenatives. Most of our talks end with her saying she just isn't interested in sex any more. One recent problem is that I have problems getting and keeping an erection. She says she enjoys playing with my cock to get it hard, but most times will stop if i'm not at full erection quickly saying well I tried. Like I mentioned in original post, even she says going to clubs and swinging really improved our sex lives, and I thought brought us closer together. This sudden and comletly 180 deg change in her has me confused and more than a little frustrated. Is this what happens during menopause?

[Tia Vampire]

I'm studing to be a M.A. and with the little knowledge that i have about menopause, it is a big factor in why your wife is feeling the way that she is. You even go through some denial and confussion. That is why she can't even tell you what she is feeling because she doe'nt even know. Its usually a ten year period. Just be patient with her and don't make her do anything she does not want to do.She'll even go though if she still loves you or not, but it is not what she wants, so don't worry, it's just the hormonal changes that shes going through. I wish you guys the best. You've been together this long and provaled, so it's not nothing you guys can't overcome.

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by Tia Vampire

Its usually a ten year period. Just be patient with her......

Ten more years with your spouse not interested in sex At the very least, I'd accompany her to her OB/GYN and discuss it with him/her. They deal with menapausal women all the time. Perhaps something easy like changing medications will work. Maybe some tests are needed, whatever. But I
certainly wouldn't be patient for 10 years Sounds like it's time to be pro-active.

Brett

[blondie77]

Her decision to stop swinging should be respected, but if she's lost all interest in sex, then there is a problem. I agree with WildMiCouple...go to an OB/GYN. Medication can and often does lead to loss of interest in sex. Not sure if this is the problem, but it's worth looking into. If it is the medication, see if they can't prescribe something different, or try some natural methods (doctor approved, of course).

I might also add that perhaps you could try taking a romantic vacation with your wife. If she is going through menopause, then understandably she's having all sorts of new and confusing emotional and physical changes. By taking a vacation and taking the time to "rekindle" the flame might help you both to reconnect and give you a chance to talk away from home.

I wish you both good luck! Keep us updated.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by nycpl52

We have been married 26 yrs, been together over 30. Have had the usual ups and downs. Wife seldom if ever initiates sex. Several years ago we started camming, she luvs to have sex, and or mastubate on cam but I have to suggest it, and find a couple or female for us to cam with. About 2 yrs ago we started camming with a local couple that were also swingers. We did some soft swinging for about a 2 yrs. We also went to several off premise club dances. At some dances she would be up on the floor dancing, and appearing to be having a great time. Even danced topples with some of the other ladies. We became very good friends with another couple, going to dinner, etc. Then about six months ago wife started to lose interest in sex. Said she no longer wanted to go to club, if fact did not want anyone but me to even touch her. She said she never liked swinging. She seems to have lost all interst in sex, we now have sex maybe once a week, if at all. She is 55, and has been taking meds for panic attackes for several years. She tells me she has just lost interest in sex. We talk about this constantly, and both agree that our sex life together was great when we were going to the swingers club she wants nothing to with even just going to a club. One other thing, she wears her sexy underwear to work (because she likes how it feels). But only wears white cotton granny underwear on weekends for me?

I'm going to tell you something. We can put a man on the moon, but can't figure out what makes a woman tick lol. I can only tell you from my personal experience as a woman. Yes, it could very well be menopause. Trust me, hormones are a pain in the ass. You really DO want to be in the mood. But you just aren't. You DO want to please your man, but you just feel like shit, and so un-sexual sometimes, its hard to explain. It could be that. I would do 2 things. FIRST thing, you need to talk to her. And, "Im just not interested in sex" doesn't cut it, it doesnt tell you why she isn't. If its menopause thats really a simple one, she needs to see her ob/gyn. there are meds now to help women through that stage (AND, I'm told that once women go through menopause they are really into sex again...so there is hope lol). If its not menopause than it is something else. It could be body image. I know that when I was heavy I did NOT feel sexual or erotic, or anything like that. I felt fat and ugly. NOT that I was, but thats how I felt. You don't want to have sex when you feel that way. But DON'T tell her to lose weight. goodness, that will send her over the edge. It could be stress...is her job stressful? Do you have young children? Another one of my problems was the fact that we were so focused on having babies and then taking care of babies I became this "MOM" person, and thats all I was. The sexual, erotic woman I am just was mom. I'm sorry that this is no help. But it could be alot of things. Perhaps, even, a past of sexual issues. The only way to find out is she has to open up and let you know what is bothering her to the point where she is pushing you away. I doubt if it has anything to do with you at all, its all about her and how she feels about herself. Be patient with her, and you will get through it with love and good communication.
Sorry that this is so long.

[twobears]

Hi there sorry to hear of this problem. I am women now 60yrs old and I take panic attacks meds as I am a veteran that has seen somethings for sure. I can say that for years it just seemed that our two times a week was a maybe and we were both in a rut. We were to go through periods of depression and really we didn't realize how much. I never learned to talk to my husband about my REAL feeling knowing that it might upset or cause him to worry about me. The swinging lifestyle helped me learn how to talk about my most personel real feeling and acceptment. The things talked about on here will help and so take her to a special relaxtion weekend, stress not sex but relaxation!!!this will put your wife at ease. I would make sure that she understands how much you miss not just sex but the loving tenderness the two of you had,emotions that is the key,she got something on her mind or feels she does. Are you sure that nothing happen in the swinging lifestyle, maybe she is stressed over some feeling that upset her. Show her all the attention and committment you can,and yes, please take her to a doctor (GYN)to have her checked out,sex drive can be fixed. Good Luck and may you fine that closeness,trust and love and affection that both of you need. Your wife is hunting too,just as you are.

[2jersey]

Yes, see a physician - but not just a GYN - see a Psychiatrist. She is probably taking an SSRI for the panic attacks. SSRI's often reduce libido.

Ask your Psychiatrist about Seroquel. Seroquel's FDA approved useage is to treat Schizophrenia, but it is very effective for severe anxiety (off label useage - well known in psychiatric community). If she is depressed, the SSRI may still be necessary.

Also, explore therapy.

[m41f45]

Several years ago I was on Xanax and depakote for depression and anxiety attacks. I am still on ativan for the attacks, but can't remember the last time I had to take it. I had NO sex drive. If we did it once a month hubby was lucky. We weren't swinging at the time. 3 years ago I had a hysterectomy due to a medical issue and now I can't get enough sex. I quit the depakote as I wasn't getting depressed or manic anymore. The medication could be a factor, but it all depends on how long she's been taking it. If the meds and the attitude are new, they can be connected. I think (from a female perspective) it could be menopause connected. She could see her OB or just get some herbal remedies from a natural food store. Just be patient and gentle and work it out with her.

[eyemneeding1]

i had the same experiance . married 25 yrs wife lost interest. we tried swinging and i enjoyed it she did it a few time just to please me. still feeling like i have been missing sex she agreed to allow me to persue my interest with other couples . I did find some and the experiance was good i just felt funny doing it with out her. i had a problem with my emotions and she and i talked about it and she urged me to continue.
i had a girl friend for about 3 yrs. they never met each other butmy wife knew when i left home where i was going and didnt treat me any differently when i came home . she would ask if i had a good time but thats all she wanted to know.
since then she has tried to pawn me off on her girl friend that is reciently divorced but her gf still is unsure.
talk to your wife if your still interested in swinging she may allow you to go it alone if your lucky
it worked for use and were still happily married