Single men and issues surrounding them

[Girlfit]

Hi I'm new here. I have a recent problem that I need some advice on.

I just very recently put up a profile on a swingers site in an effort to meet some people. We weren't even going to exclude single men as there are lots of single men who are worthy too!

But here is my MAJOR complaint. It has happened TWICE now that I have been contacted by men posting themselves as single on their profile, they are EXACTLY what I am looking for and I get my hopes up and then I come to find out they are either A) Married B) engaged or C) already have a girlfriend. And by that I mean that they are one of those three and their partner does NOT know about their venture into the swinging world and the men are basically low life philanderers looking to cheat behind their partners backs.

Is this the reason why a lot of swinging couples will not deal with "single" men at all? I'm getting really pissed off about this! One guy I really liked a LOT and then I find out he isn't exactly single his response was basically "well you guys are married and sleeping with other people, why should you care if I do the same" kind of attitude. That really PISSED ME OFF. Because we are not being deceitful or behind the others back. We are being HONEST with one another and for him to compare the two is a downright insult. Does anyone else feel the same way? It just doesn't sit right with us to be fucking someone and be accomplices to deceitful, dishonest cheating behavior.

Why is it that all the hot single guys are MARRIED? God damnit!

[leftcoastcouple]

Based on our experience and given that you say your problem is "recent," I'd say hang in there. Maybe you're just running into bad luck or maybe things are worse in the Midwest than where we are, but given the number of single guys on the sites (not knowing which one you're on), you're panning for gold you're likely to find soon.

At least you're asking the right questions to find what you want. Frankly, my wife and I don't care as much about the guy's relationship situation as you do--we consider someone in a relationship less risky on some levels (an admittedly unpopular view with many around here)--but the fact is, there's plenty of "hot single" guys running ads and responding to them if you give it time.

Good luck!

[wildchld97]

I understand completely. NOTHING turns me off more than a blatant liar or a cheater. Swinging is NOT cheating because it is consensual between the partners. Men who *say* that they are single but are in fact in a relationship are sneaks, liars and cheaters! ( Same goes for women....I'm an equal opportunity witch. )

The very last thing that a person needs is for a spouse or S/O showing up unexpectedly and beating the tar out of you...or worse..causing a big mess in a small town.

We've met one guy off of the internet and he's a keeper as a playmate. We took a LOT of time to get to know him though as a *friend* before we even broached the subject of playing. He had no clue that we were swingers which gave him no reason to lie to us about his marital status. Turns out, he was divorced. GREEN LIGHT! LOL There were a couple of times that he started a new relationship with a woman and we respectfully backed off. Once it ended, it was playtime again.

It seems like for every 1 person who is truely single, there are 20 others that you have to wade through who are cheaters on the matchmaker sites. If you're going to take that route, I would suggest getting to know the person intensively via email first...see how serious he is. Then, I would suggest meeting him somewhere like a bar or restaurant to get to know him better a few times. The last thing I would do before deciding to play is to ask to meet at HIS house for a drink and conversation only. If he hem haws around about you coming to HIS place...there might be an indication that he's not being honest about his marital/relationship status. I get immediately suspicious about a "single" person who insists on only meeting at a hotel or a bar.

It's a pain in the ass process, but it works for us because we found a few gems...and we're keeping them.
Good luck!

[SnSnLex]

We know exactly what you mean. Playing with singles is like playing with fire, do it long enough and you will get burned.

We have come up with a few keywords, so to speak, to look for in a single profile.

Discreet (under constant surveilance?)

Like to meet at a hotel with a bar (wife is home)

Nosey neighbors (do they have xray vision?)

My place is too small (do you live in a cardboard box?)

I have too many pets (don't we all?)

Recently divorced (wife caught me cheating, and we are getting a divorce)

We have no problem playing with truly single guys and gals, but we make them prove it!! If they falter the slightest bit, we move on. No point of beating a dead horse....

Just remember, when it comes to singles, you have to take the reins to get to the truth.

BTW... When we tell them they have to prove that they are truly single in an email, we don't here back from 80-90% of them, lol.

Be strong

SnSnLex

[curiousagain]

I had to laugh at some of your "key words". I ask for discretion due to my job. But, some of them you mention are good. One way might be to get a phone number and call unexpectedly but at a decent hour that a wife would be there if she exist. Might separate them pretty fast, but evidently the email request is working. I am just trying to figure out how I could use an email to prove I am single.
Curiousagain

We say in our profile that males are welcome but have to be Serious & single. No married or involved men looking to play alone.

Putting that in our profile has cut down some but we still get the occasional married or involved male looking to play alone. Actualy we get about 1 or two a week. We just tell them thanks but we do not do it even if his SO is cool with it. Its just one of our rules.

Besides there are plenty of TRULY SINGLE males out there who are willing to fuck my wife.

I think as long as you have in your profile that single males are welcome you will still get some marrieds out there who will respond. No matter how BLUNT you put you are not interested.

We have just gotten use to it. Comes with the territory I geuss.

[SnSnLex]

Originally posted by curiousagain
I had to laugh at some of your "key words". I ask for discretion due to my job. But, some of them you mention are good. One way might be to get a phone number and call unexpectedly but at a decent hour that a wife would be there if she exist. Might separate them pretty fast, but evidently the email request is working. I am just trying to figure out how I could use an email to prove I am single.
Curiousagain

Discretion, due to a job is completely fine. We usually look for several words or phrases on the list just to see if we should bother or not, not just one. Discreet is at the top because everyone wants to be at least a little bit discreet for one reason or another.

We have tried the phone number gig before, doesn't work as well as people think with everyone owning a cellphone nowadays, lol. We now ask for a home phone number, if they can't/won't provide it, we move on. It's just like you were talking about, to call during a decent hour, but at a time a woman would likely be there, 1 hour before bed time.

LOL, don't take this the wrong way, but you will never be able to prove you are single through an email 100%. If you tried to, I think most people would think you were trying to hide something, just my opinion though, they might not think like we do.

Happy hunting

SnSnLex

[curiousagain]

DOH!!! I misread your post. I thought you meant they had to prove they were single with an email. What you said was you emailed them saying they had to prove they were single.

" I took a speed reading course once. I read War and Peace in one hour. It's about Russia." Woody Allen

Thanks
Curiousagain

[SnSnLex]

Yep, sorry if it didn't come across like that, but thats what we meant Sometimes I think I took the same course

[latitudedrifter]

I realize I’m about to open myself up to a public scourging… but here goes. I understand that there are a lot of liars and cheats out there – so being careful is essential. I can appreciate that. But here’s another side to the same coin. I came to this site to get a better understanding of the lifestyle. I’ve talked it over with my wife and she feels no desire to consider it, but it still intrigues me. I’m not here for sex (I love my wife and after 17 years have never strayed – I don’t plan to now) But I can’t help it that the open lifestyle that goes on here electrifies my imagination. So, does my floating through this site make me someone to be looked down upon? As Girlfit said – it pisses her off. Sorry. It’s titillating to think that I may pass Girlfit, Wildchld97, or Mr&Mrs Naughty on the street or in the grocery. I know that sounds childish and naïve but it’s true. I’m no lurking perv. Like I said, I’m not here to lie or be a player, just want to ask honest questions, strike up a conversation every once in awhile. I’m just playing by the guidelines I saw on one of the earlier pages.
Be Honest
Give a good description of who you are and what you are looking for.
Try new things
Communicate
Have Fun
Make New Friends
Research
Don't Lie about who you are
Don't Say you are a single guy when you are in fact married
Don't Cheat!!
Don't Lie
Don't cross other people's limits

I just don’t know if a curious, married guy who has no intention of hurting his wife breaks that last guideline, by visiting this site. And yes, I have told her I’ve been on the site.

Let the scourging begin.

[Elusive BiFem]

I don't believe you will run into any scourging. Lots of married people - men and women - come here to read, interact with others, ask questions, learn a few things, teach a few things. Never has anyone had a problem with that. In fact, we have several married men on this board with wives that are not interested in swinging and they are accepted without question. What they have done is exactly what you have done. Stated the facts purely and simply. They have an interest, their wife isn't interested, and they are here on a friendly basis only...not looking to cheat.

So...if you haven't already done so...go to the introductions forum and post an intro. You might even want to copy and paste what you wrote in this forum. I have no doubt you will be welcomed.
Maybe, in time, your wife might be interested in joining with you and getting to know all of us.

- EBF

[wildchld97]

Originally posted by latitudedrifter
So, does my floating through this site make me someone to be looked down upon? As Girlfit said – it pisses her off. Sorry. It’s titillating to think that I may pass Girlfit, Wildchld97, or Mr&Mrs Naughty on the street or in the grocery. I know that sounds childish and naïve but it’s true. I’m no lurking perv. Like I said, I’m not here to lie or be a player, just want to ask honest questions, strike up a conversation every once in awhile. I’m just playing by the guidelines I saw on one of the earlier pages.
...I just don’t know if a curious, married guy who has no intention of hurting his wife breaks that last guideline, by visiting this site. And yes, I have told her I’ve been on the site.

Let the scourging begin.

Nah hon...I don't think that you're being unfaithful or deceitful by being on this site or by carrying on conversations with people who *do* swing.

The fact that your wife knows of your interest in swinging, this message board and your desire to respect her wishes by staying faithful to each other indicates to me that you're not doing anything wrong.

When a person starts to hide their interests...or pursues a fantasy in ways that *could* be considered borderline cheating (secretly chatting with others online, private emails that only YOU can read, or even visiting this site with the full knowledge that your spouse considers it evil) is where you would cross the line IMHO.

Scourging sounds interesting though regardless of whether you need it or not.

[yawanna]

participating on a website such as this is only cheating if you can't tell her about that activity. IMHO

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by yawanna
participating on a website such as this is only cheating if you can't tell her about that activity. IMHO

Even if you can't tell her about participating on a website such as this...is that cheating? Really? I don't think so. Now if he was looking to meet someone, yes. If he knows his wife isn't interested and swinging is something he will never participate in, wouldn't that be more fantasy than cheating? And what would be the difference in looking at porn movies or Penthouse and fantasizing or talking with people here on various subjects?

Just wondering...and now I'm going to go get me an ice cream cone. Cravings...but this will give you lots of time to come up with some good ones, Yawanna. And I know you will. - EBF

[latitudedrifter]

Thanks. I feel better. Here's to stying in touch. Enjoy your ice cream.