Red Flags to look for when meeting a single male

[OhioCouple]

Playwithme brought up a very good topic as to what you say to a single that answered their ad. I hope this topic will draw more single males and couples that have experienced this to respond to both of these.

We will be meeting our first single next week. This has been a long time desire of my husband and mine for some unknown reason he decided that we should look into it. He searched and chose this particular single and we have corresponded via email for around a month. The man seems to be very honest as he provided us with his phone number at both home and work, tho we have never called him. When we asked for information about his life interests out of the lifestyle he provided some pretty detailed information. With him knowing nothing about us, it turns out that he shares many of the same interests that each of us do. So basic compatibility is there.

This male says that he is divorced and that he had spent the last year in a relationship with another couple, who have now moved (which was his first swing experience).

We are meeting in a public restaurant for drinks and dinner; it has been made clear that there is to be no expectation of any sexual relations. He is perfectly fine with this and agreed also.

What I am nervous about is that if this turns sour upon meeting that my husband will not want to take the risk again. Are there some common signs that we should look for that scream out to you "This guy is not for real?" Or that you should avoid this person at all costs? I would truly appreciate advice regarding this in addition to the topic that Playwithme started.

Lori

[ August 31, 2002, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: OhioCouple ]

[Alura]

A lady friend once told me that a good way to expose a married man posing as a single is to feel the skin of his ring finger where the finger meets the palm of his hand. If there is a calloused ridge there, but no ring, he probably usually wears a wedding ring. Of course, he may be married and not wear a ring, and the clue would not exist anyway. This advice is free, Lori, which may indicate what it is worth.

Mr. Alura

[Flori_DAMAN]

Hi OhioCouple,

I'm always glad to assist a buckeye..lol.

It sounds like you have done a great job screening so far. You are concerned that if this experience turns sour hubby won't want to try it again.

Of course there are no guarantees here. I have noticed however that it is so common that a person can come across with the wisdom of nostradomous (sp?), and the charm of Don Juan online but when you meet him he's the geek from hell.

I would just suggest you meet him with the understanding between both of you that you don't have sex on the first meet. Sometimes one of you will pick up some "bad vibes". If it is just a small vibe you may not even notice it on the first night. It is funny how after you meet someone and hash over the evening something pops up that wasn't normal. It sounds like that is your plan anyhow but make sure you stick to it. After a few drinks it is easy to get compulsive.

Also make sure he gives equal attention to both of you. If he focuses strictly on the female he probably won't be considerate of hubby and that is a sure brew for bending hubbies nose.

When you do get together for your MMF make sure you are very attentive of hubby's reaction to all of this and there should be a very strong aggreement between all of you that if anyone suddenly decides to stop all agree with absolutely no reservations. If you sense that hubby is not enjoying it then stop right away.

Of course you have done a great job of planning it and it will probably exceed even your wildest expectations....that is what has usually happened with us anyhow Good Luck!

[JustAskJulie]

I wish it were so simple. The unfortunate part is that some are so good at lying that you may never know.

As for the ring issue, my hubby rarely if ever wears his, mainly because his job won't allow it and it's pointless for him to come home and wear it here. At best he wears it out, if he remembers to put it on. So, as little as he does wear it, it's not enough to leave a mark of any sort.

Not to scare you but here is story to show just how hard it can be sometimes to find out the truth.....

Most of you know that I have an amateur site. Through that amateur site we have met many people, many of those being single men. This is the story of one of those single men. One that I feel very lucky at this point that nothing happened with.

We met him first about 3 years ago at the first party that I hosted for my website. [Note: I'm not talking about sex parties but simply meet and greets along the lines of an off-premise social, only probably even more tame than that.] He was always a very quiet person and seemed to be a closet voyeur. The type of guy who was a member of 10 or 15 different amateur sites and enjoyed watching the girls camshows and chatting with them online via chat or email. I was one of those girls. Through those many chats we learned that he was widowed and trying to find couples to swing with. He told me of a few meetings he had had with couples that never went anywhere and I sympathized.

Through the parties that I had he had met another friend of mine who also has an amateur site. He became rather enthralled with her, having won a "date" with her at one point, where she allowed him to hang "behind the scenes" with us during a party weekend. While he saw a lot he never participated nor did he ever make an effort to. Over time he sent her many gifts including passes to sports events. At one point he had paid for a trip for her and her hubby to go to an event. He had paid for a room for them and they were to meet him for dinner prior to the game. They showed up for dinner and he didn't. She got worried and tried to call the number she had for him. The call went through and a woman answered. She assumed it was his daughter who he had said was in town visiting that week and asked about him. The woman asked who it was and she told her her name. I don't remember if she spoke to the guy or not. But about a half hour or so later he finally showed up at the restaurant. Coming in behind him was a woman looking very upset. He came in basically said "sorry I've been lying to you. I'm married" and left.

We had all been talking with this guy for 2 years and had no idea. At that point even a ring on his hand could have been easily dismissed. Have to give the guy kudos for his lying skills tho. Just lucky that none of us ever swung with him.

Then again maybe his lies were the real reason behind the nervousness we perceived as shyness. And perhaps we all knew that something was amiss and that's why nothing happened. Who knows. But we do know that it pays to be very cautious.

[OhioCouple]

quote:

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Originally posted by michigancouple:

I'm always glad to assist a buckeye..lol.

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We all know sports wise that the two states will never see eye to eye. I actually e-mailed my son about the MI-WAS game last weekend. Wrong thing to do....boy did I get it.
If it makes you feel any better I am an original Mississippian.

quote:

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After a few drinks it is easy to get compulsive.

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Seriously though, I truly appreciate the advice you gave. This will definitely be nothing more than a get to know you meeting. As we have also heard that a lot of times singles do not show up, we figure we will have a nice dinner and chalk it up to experience. There is no plan on either of our parts to be compulsive or put ourselves in the postion to do so. I suppose I am the one most concerned as I am the more cautious of the two of us.

Thanks for your advice.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

quote:

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Originally posted by JustAskJulie:
I wish it were so simple. The unfortunate part is that some are so good at lying that you may never know.

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Over the years I have been had several times and perhaps that is what makes me so cautious. So far we have not had any major problems of which I think we are very fortunate. Meeting with a single is a new experience for us and just like all new experiences the fear of the unknown can sometimes cause me to be more skeptical than interested. (Note to singles, this has happened to me on first meetings with couples also so you are not being singled out here. No pun intended.)

quote:

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Then again maybe his lies were the real reason behind the nervousness we perceived as shyness. And perhaps we all knew that something was amiss and that's why nothing happened. Who knows. But we do know that it pays to be very cautious.

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We intend to be very cautious, thanks for the advice and no it didn't scare me off. These pointers just help to let me know what to look for.

Thanks...Lori

[OhioCouple]

I am pleased to say that we had a very enjoyable evening. The gentleman that we met with was everything that he had presented himself to be. At times I felt a little left out as he and my husband had quite a bit in common, and I don't care what anyone says about two women chattering away, men can ice the cake. He was also considerate enough to try and pay equal attention in conversation to both of us.

We hit it off very well and are making plans to meet again in the future. The guys are going golfing first tho....

Thanks for all of the input here on this post and the others involving the side of the single male. It certainly helped to relieve the anxiety and gave us a better understanding of what a single's point of view is also. It is really no different than a couple's when it comes to sincerity. At least that was our experience.

Lori

[Flori_DAMAN]

Glad to hear things are going on track. The wonderful side of swinging with single males when things go right is that you both may have made a friend for life that you probably could have never had the opportunity to even meet.
John.

[floridanudist]

Lori, Hi again.
I have a good question regarding photos that's been bugging me (I hope chose the appropriate forum).

If a couple who's very interested in meeting me asks me for more photos showing my face, but I don't have anymore to send, and it may take me a few days to get some taken, then how long of a delay in getting them taken is usually acceptable in the swinging community?

I plan on having a friend with a digital camera to take some, but that might be a few days. I guess it would be appropriate to tell the person that I am working on getting some taken very soon, and maybe send a few other nice photos in the meanwhile. It would be my guess most people are fairly patient. Some earlier facial digital photos looked awful because my hair was messed up, I was smiling too hard, or squinting from the sun in my eyes. I really want to look my best, so I only want to use the very few of my best photos. What's interesting is I look my best when laying out or reclining because I am relaxed, but too stiff and "posed" when standing.

[OhioCouple]

quote:

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Originally posted by floridanudist:

If a couple who's very interested in meeting me asks me for more photos showing my face, but I don't have anymore to send, and it may take me a few days to get some taken, then how long of a delay in getting them taken is usually acceptable in the swinging community?

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The single that we met with had absolutely no photos or anyway to upload them. He was on webtv? I am not really sure what that is, but he did not own a computer though somehow it gives internet access. When we requested photos, he told us what the problem was. Truly we were skeptical as it was the first single we were going to meet. Turned out everything he had said was true.

The key is don't let them wait too long. Even with couples we find that they get antsy when they haven't heard from you. And to be honest if we haven't heard from someone we have written to in a few days or so, especially when there is a date set to meet, we feel the same way.

Write them a short note and let them know that you hope to have some in a few days and will send them as soon as you do. As long as you are making an attempt to communicate with them your current credibility will be intact.

One question I have though. If you already sent them some facial pics....why are they requesting more? You may want to consider that before sending anymore to them. It seems to me that what you sent them should have been sufficient enough coupled with your prior conversations via email to determine whether or not you would be of interest to them as a couple.

Lori

[Tellya Later]

quote:

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Originally posted by OhioCouple:
I am pleased to say that we had a very enjoyable evening. The gentleman that we met with was everything that he had presented himself to be. At times I felt a little left out as he and my husband had quite a bit in common, and I don't care what anyone says about two women chattering away, men can ice the cake. He was also considerate enough to try and pay equal attention in conversation to both of us.

We hit it off very well and are making plans to meet again in the future. The guys are going golfing first tho....

Thanks for all of the input here on this post and the others involving the side of the single male. It certainly helped to relieve the anxiety and gave us a better understanding of what a single's point of view is also. It is really no different than a couple's when it comes to sincerity. At least that was our experience.

Lori

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I totally agree with you. But, everyone is free to do as they choose and if singles are not for them so be it. I just hope that anyone that does choose to involve them meets good apples like that guy.

[OhioCouple]

quote:

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Originally posted by OhioCouple:
The key is don't let them wait too long. Even with couples we find that they get antsy when they haven't heard from you. And to be honest if we haven't heard from someone we have written to in a few days or so, especially when there is a date set to meet, we feel the same way.

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I just wanted to clear this paragraph up as my meaning did not come across as I meant for it to.

We get antsy when we are supposed to make contact a few days prior to meeting and you do not hear from them or cannot reach them. In our case one or the other of us are making long drives to meet, and in some instances we must stay overnight. Hotels usually have very strict cancellation policies anywhere from 24-72 hours. We did cancel a hotel reservation once as we had not been able to get a hold of the other party. They called us on the evening beforehand to confirm. Fortunately we were able to re-book the room at the same rate.

Lori

[floridanudist]

Lori,
I do have a very few half-way decent casual outdoor photos (clothed) showing my face and one professional one with me in a business suit, but so far, no good nude ones. Last time I tried a digital photo-op with a friend, I looked like &#$@! My hair wasn't right, or something. My mother takes way better pictures of me (G-rated of course).

I case I have to, somebody told me that I can get a digital camera for as cheap as $50.00 at WalMart which takes perfectly good photos for the Web. I do own a Creative Labs Webcam, but it takes absolutely horrible quality snapshots.
Fred

[ September 18, 2002, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: floridanudist ]

[Perseus]

OhioCouple,

So how did it go? Did you get together with this gentleman again? Did you all have a good time? Did the relationship continue? And most important, who won the golf game?

Perseus

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Perseus
OhioCouple,

So how did it go? Did you get together with this gentleman again? Did you all have a good time? Did the relationship continue? And most important, who won the golf game?

Perseus

Actually it never transpired at all. Although we kept some email contact, we never met again. My husband got cold feet and I truly feel sorry for the other guy as he seemed like a very nice person. We just aren't past the stage of the *single* male syndrome, hopefully someday though. My husband seems to have more security in couple scenarios, so we are just moving at his pace.

Lori