References... Have you had this?

Perseus · 10-19-2002, 10:31 AM

I was searching the Yahoo profiles the other day looking for the ‘other’ elusive type in the community, the ‘couple seeking single male’, and after sending out a few letters to couples who might be interested, I received an email from a couple the said the might be interested. Now, I am no newbie to the scene, so I know that couples have to be careful of scam artists and the general ‘get my rocks of with your wife’ jerks that give all of us single men a bad name, but one of the conditions that they asked for was surprising to me. The email was from the male half of the couple and he stated that he wanted: First, I meet him first to see if I was genuine. (no problem I guess, but I would rather meet them both in a neutral place) and second, I give them references of other couples I have been with. Now I can see a swingers club asking for references to other clubs I had been too, but a couple wants me to kiss and tell on another? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t do that to my friends or anyone else. Anyway, has anyone else run into this? What did you do? Needless to say, I passed on the offer.

Cheers,
Perseus

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-19-2002, 12:44 PM

That is a little out there to expect you to kiss and tell. My initial thought was that maybe it was a test. Maybe the idea was to see if you would give out names and if you say no that they know they are most likely safe.

I would say that when you wrote them back (if I were you) I would have said something to the affect of.

"thank you for taking the time to write me back. I have read through your conditions and I don't feel that I can meet them and this is why.

I have no problem meeting with you alone initially, however I would prefer to meet with both of you in a neutral location. This will allow you to see that I am for real and give me the same privilege.

In regards to sharing the names of others I have been with. I can't do this as I don't feel it would be appropriate or fair to the other couples I have been with. I have developed a trust with those couples and do not intend to break it. I'm sure that you wouldn't want me going around telling others I had been with you and your wife after the fact....."

Another thought just occured to me (because of his wanting to meet you alone first). It could be that he is trying to set something up without his wife knowing about?

OhioCouple · 10-25-2002, 03:29 PM

Somehow I missed this topic the first time around and the weekly digest informed me of it.

This is real peeve of mine. We had a couple contact us that didn't out right ask for references but was wanting to know if we knew "so and so" and had we ever met or swung with them. To be honest we were appalled and ended all conversation with them immediately. Not so politely in this instance, as I am the wrong person to really peeve. Thankfully we never revealed our names to these people nor did we know the ones they mentioned.

We have viewed other profiles both couples and singles that state they can provide references. References for what?

That their hoochie can go all night without lube or you won't be playing "Where is Waldo" for hours on end???

You did the right thing by turning them away. This lifestyle is about anonimity (probably slaughtered that word) and anyone that requests information regarding other swingers has forgotten rule #2, ya just don't kiss and tell. The first being that "No means, No".

Lori

Flori_DAMAN · 10-25-2002, 05:04 PM

References? Perhaps William Clinton, or Micheal Jackson would be possibilities.

Maybe we should have a single male ID card. Each time you have a meeting you could have a universal stamp of approval. A rating system should apply...from 1-10 in several categories.
Charm, personality, from behind, oral, hygiene etc.

IN fact, a tatoo on the single males head that uses a formula to standardize all ratings after a minimum of 100 encounters would be a good idea.

Maybe you should give him his parents as a reference.

I'd be rude with this guy.

OH sorry im in that mood again, John that misses Tammy. I haven't had sex in almost 3 months, I think its getting to me. I did buy plane tickets finally, but not until the end of Nov. OHHHHH damn....shes coming here but just for one weekend...that will probably make things worse...sigh. For those of you that have no idea what the hell I'm talking about we are geographically separated for at least 4 more months.

All you married guys that actually can be with your wife should take a minute to give her something special because you have no idea how horrible life is without her. OK, im whining.

But take some time to do something special for her. I'd suggest doing her favorite thing. For us it was just going to a park and talking until the sun was down for an hour and the mosquitos started biting too bad..then covering ourselves with deet and doing it. And if you are considering separating geographically make sure its worth it. I think it will be for us but it sure is much HARDER than I thought..Father John, the celibate swinger.

Tellya Later · 10-31-2002, 03:25 AM

Just to up this this just happened to me. Whether this was a test to test my discretion or not I'm not sure. They asked for pics to prove I've met couples. Odd but since they contacted me I guess I took the bait. Found some pics of me and a couple in which no faces were shown and I'm leaving it up to the couple to decided if they are me or not.

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-31-2002, 01:52 PM

quote:
Just to up this this just happened to me. Whether this was a test to test my discretion or not I'm not sure. They asked for pics to prove I've met couples. Odd but since they contacted me I guess I took the bait. Found some pics of me and a couple in which no faces were shown and I'm leaving it up to the couple to decided if they are me or not.

Sounds like pic collectors to me.

John, We are soon to be in the same boat. I'll be moving down south at the end of the year but hubby probably won't be following for a month or two. However, I know he will be using his vacation time in the meantime to visit fairly often.

Sometimes it takes a little time apart to really put things into perspective

MrMuse · 11-01-2002, 10:57 PM

quote:
Originally posted by Perseus:
I know that couples have to be careful of scam artists and the general ‘get my rocks of with your wife’ jerks that give all of us single men a bad name,...

Being a "newly single" swinger, I can tell you that from a couple's perspective, they have to be careful about inviting "single guys." But, now that I'm a newly single male...MAN...what a difference! Being in the lifestyle for 4 years as a couple has given me a little insight on what to say when responding to inquiries like that. In fact this very thing happened to me today!

I had contacted a very nice-looking couple nearby from one of the Yahoo groups that I belong to. I received an instant message from the wife. She was VERY concerned about me being a "married posing as a single" man. I politely told her, "Without giving you my whole life story, I can assure you that I'm single, and have been for about 3 months now...married for 22 years...swinging as a couple for 4 years...she fell in love with someone else and wanted out, now I'm single...blah blah blah..." I also told her that my first and foremost priority was making friends and establishing friendships first to let them "know" me. As for "sex", it would be a bonus but I would not initiate it. It would be totally up to them. She seemed to like my answer and told me that her husband would be contacting me to talk. I didn't hurt either that I sent them a nice "g-rated" picture of me after a bodybuilding competition. She was releived to see that it wasn't one of those "penis" pictures!

I guess, I would say, just be patient and be yourself. Don't push it either! The thing that works best for the single male (at least I've found out so far) is not appearing "hard up and desperate." If you have a "coolness" in your personality trait, it may work for you. So far it has for me!!!

sexualhealingmn · 11-03-2002, 03:16 AM

I've never asked for "references" but when a guy seems too "quick" to get together, by emailing his phone number after an initial contact, then I know this is a "red flag"....usually not someone that is intersted in a long-term situation with us.
On the other hand, after communicating with someone who might not know much about swinging asks me "how many partners have you had"....that is an IMMEDIATE turn off for me -- so in turn, the "references" can but turned around here to the couple....I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask...so I don't answer and typically don't respond back again....what about others...have you been asked this question as to your "history" of partners?
The other half of SexualHealing -- Kathy :<EG>:

Flori_DAMAN · 11-03-2002, 08:04 AM

I'm glad to hear that you will be capable of haveing frequent visits Julie. Due to so many details, not the least of which have been impending pregnancies within her family, we haven't had that luxury.

She is flying down here in 10 days..for 7.

Then again around christmas....and in January I am renting a houseboat in the keys for all of my kids and her for another week.

Time will now begin to progress at a normal rate I believe.

One of the diferences between us is that we never swing without the other and of course don't cheat on each other. I know you don't cheat but you do play consensually seperately.

I kinda wish we could but we aren't cut out for it.

It would drive both of us nutz to know the other is playing while the other isn't. We still have some ole hang-ups.

All I know is that she may not be walking real well for a few days after she returns.

She wasn't real happy about my move. But I have a feeling that my decision will make for a happier long run relationship.

I do know that she said she will come in her jeans when she sees me at the airport. And I will make sure she gets some xtra mileage points for that remark.....hehe.....

Swingers Ads	Swinger Pics	Swinger Stories	Shopping	Featured Swingers	Swingers Clubs	Swinger Advice	Dictionary	FAQs	Swinger Links
Forums	Blogs	Search	Today's Posts	Mark Forums Read	Register

10-19-2002, 10:31 AM	#1 (permalink)
Perseus Long Timer Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 161 Location: Winter Park, Fl Status: S. Male seeking Couples and S. Females for good times and possible LTR SLS Name:Perseus	References... Have you had this? I was searching the Yahoo profiles the other day looking for the ‘other’ elusive type in the community, the ‘couple seeking single male’, and after sending out a few letters to couples who might be interested, I received an email from a couple the said the might be interested. Now, I am no newbie to the scene, so I know that couples have to be careful of scam artists and the general ‘get my rocks of with your wife’ jerks that give all of us single men a bad name, but one of the conditions that they asked for was surprising to me. The email was from the male half of the couple and he stated that he wanted: First, I meet him first to see if I was genuine. (no problem I guess, but I would rather meet them both in a neutral place) and second, I give them references of other couples I have been with. Now I can see a swingers club asking for references to other clubs I had been too, but a couple wants me to kiss and tell on another? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t do that to my friends or anyone else. Anyway, has anyone else run into this? What did you do? Needless to say, I passed on the offer. Cheers, Perseus

10-19-2002, 12:44 PM	#2 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 22,268 Location: Alabama Status: Female SLS Name:swingersboard Blog Entries: 59	That is a little out there to expect you to kiss and tell. My initial thought was that maybe it was a test. Maybe the idea was to see if you would give out names and if you say no that they know they are most likely safe. I would say that when you wrote them back (if I were you) I would have said something to the affect of. "thank you for taking the time to write me back. I have read through your conditions and I don't feel that I can meet them and this is why. I have no problem meeting with you alone initially, however I would prefer to meet with both of you in a neutral location. This will allow you to see that I am for real and give me the same privilege. In regards to sharing the names of others I have been with. I can't do this as I don't feel it would be appropriate or fair to the other couples I have been with. I have developed a trust with those couples and do not intend to break it. I'm sure that you wouldn't want me going around telling others I had been with you and your wife after the fact....." Another thought just occured to me (because of his wanting to meet you alone first). It could be that he is trying to set something up without his wife knowing about? __________________ Julie Owner/ Admin http://www.swingersboard.com

10-25-2002, 03:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,616 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	Somehow I missed this topic the first time around and the weekly digest informed me of it. This is real peeve of mine. We had a couple contact us that didn't out right ask for references but was wanting to know if we knew "so and so" and had we ever met or swung with them. To be honest we were appalled and ended all conversation with them immediately. Not so politely in this instance, as I am the wrong person to really peeve. Thankfully we never revealed our names to these people nor did we know the ones they mentioned. We have viewed other profiles both couples and singles that state they can provide references. References for what? That their hoochie can go all night without lube or you won't be playing "Where is Waldo" for hours on end??? You did the right thing by turning them away. This lifestyle is about anonimity (probably slaughtered that word) and anyone that requests information regarding other swingers has forgotten rule #2, ya just don't kiss and tell. The first being that "No means, No". Lori __________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

10-31-2002, 01:52 PM	#6 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 22,268 Location: Alabama Status: Female SLS Name:swingersboard Blog Entries: 59	quote: Just to up this this just happened to me. Whether this was a test to test my discretion or not I'm not sure. They asked for pics to prove I've met couples. Odd but since they contacted me I guess I took the bait. Found some pics of me and a couple in which no faces were shown and I'm leaving it up to the couple to decided if they are me or not. Sounds like pic collectors to me. John, We are soon to be in the same boat. I'll be moving down south at the end of the year but hubby probably won't be following for a month or two. However, I know he will be using his vacation time in the meantime to visit fairly often. Sometimes it takes a little time apart to really put things into perspective __________________ Julie Owner/ Admin http://www.swingersboard.com

10-25-2002, 05:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	References? Perhaps William Clinton, or Micheal Jackson would be possibilities. Maybe we should have a single male ID card. Each time you have a meeting you could have a universal stamp of approval. A rating system should apply...from 1-10 in several categories. Charm, personality, from behind, oral, hygiene etc. IN fact, a tatoo on the single males head that uses a formula to standardize all ratings after a minimum of 100 encounters would be a good idea. Maybe you should give him his parents as a reference. I'd be rude with this guy. OH sorry im in that mood again, John that misses Tammy. I haven't had sex in almost 3 months, I think its getting to me. I did buy plane tickets finally, but not until the end of Nov. OHHHHH damn....shes coming here but just for one weekend...that will probably make things worse...sigh. For those of you that have no idea what the hell I'm talking about we are geographically separated for at least 4 more months. All you married guys that actually can be with your wife should take a minute to give her something special because you have no idea how horrible life is without her. OK, im whining. But take some time to do something special for her. I'd suggest doing her favorite thing. For us it was just going to a park and talking until the sun was down for an hour and the mosquitos started biting too bad..then covering ourselves with deet and doing it. And if you are considering separating geographically make sure its worth it. I think it will be for us but it sure is much HARDER than I thought..Father John, the celibate swinger.

10-31-2002, 03:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
Tellya Later Here to Stay Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 73 Location: Chicago, IL Status: Single Male	Just to up this this just happened to me. Whether this was a test to test my discretion or not I'm not sure. They asked for pics to prove I've met couples. Odd but since they contacted me I guess I took the bait. Found some pics of me and a couple in which no faces were shown and I'm leaving it up to the couple to decided if they are me or not.

11-01-2002, 10:57 PM	#7 (permalink)
MrMuse Active Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 12 Location: Davison, Michigan Status: single male (separated)	quote: Originally posted by Perseus: I know that couples have to be careful of scam artists and the general ‘get my rocks of with your wife’ jerks that give all of us single men a bad name,... Being a "newly single" swinger, I can tell you that from a couple's perspective, they have to be careful about inviting "single guys." But, now that I'm a newly single male...MAN...what a difference! Being in the lifestyle for 4 years as a couple has given me a little insight on what to say when responding to inquiries like that. In fact this very thing happened to me today! I had contacted a very nice-looking couple nearby from one of the Yahoo groups that I belong to. I received an instant message from the wife. She was VERY concerned about me being a "married posing as a single" man. I politely told her, "Without giving you my whole life story, I can assure you that I'm single, and have been for about 3 months now...married for 22 years...swinging as a couple for 4 years...she fell in love with someone else and wanted out, now I'm single...blah blah blah..." I also told her that my first and foremost priority was making friends and establishing friendships first to let them "know" me. As for "sex", it would be a bonus but I would not initiate it. It would be totally up to them. She seemed to like my answer and told me that her husband would be contacting me to talk. I didn't hurt either that I sent them a nice "g-rated" picture of me after a bodybuilding competition. She was releived to see that it wasn't one of those "penis" pictures! I guess, I would say, just be patient and be yourself. Don't push it either! The thing that works best for the single male (at least I've found out so far) is not appearing "hard up and desperate." If you have a "coolness" in your personality trait, it may work for you. So far it has for me!!!

11-03-2002, 03:16 AM	#8 (permalink)
sexualhealingmn Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 42 Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA Status: Couple	I've never asked for "references" but when a guy seems too "quick" to get together, by emailing his phone number after an initial contact, then I know this is a "red flag"....usually not someone that is intersted in a long-term situation with us. On the other hand, after communicating with someone who might not know much about swinging asks me "how many partners have you had"....that is an IMMEDIATE turn off for me -- so in turn, the "references" can but turned around here to the couple....I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask...so I don't answer and typically don't respond back again....what about others...have you been asked this question as to your "history" of partners? The other half of SexualHealing -- Kathy :<EG>: __________________ ... when i get that feel-ing ... i want .. SEX.. UAL HEALING .... [Marvin Gaye]

11-03-2002, 08:04 AM	#9 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	I'm glad to hear that you will be capable of haveing frequent visits Julie. Due to so many details, not the least of which have been impending pregnancies within her family, we haven't had that luxury. She is flying down here in 10 days..for 7. Then again around christmas....and in January I am renting a houseboat in the keys for all of my kids and her for another week. Time will now begin to progress at a normal rate I believe. One of the diferences between us is that we never swing without the other and of course don't cheat on each other. I know you don't cheat but you do play consensually seperately. I kinda wish we could but we aren't cut out for it. It would drive both of us nutz to know the other is playing while the other isn't. We still have some ole hang-ups. All I know is that she may not be walking real well for a few days after she returns. She wasn't real happy about my move. But I have a feeling that my decision will make for a happier long run relationship. I do know that she said she will come in her jeans when she sees me at the airport. And I will make sure she gets some xtra mileage points for that remark.....hehe.....

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode