Observations On The Swinging Lifestyle From A Single Male

[DRxDON]

I had a LTR which just broke up about a year ago. My girlfriend was into the lifestyle, but not as interested as I was. (This was not the reason for the break up, however.) I am now single and have met a few couples with whom I shared some fun times. I relate this only to make it known that I have some experience here.

I consider myself to be a very insightful person and I like to get down to the basics of things. I do not wish to offend anyone, but I would really like to say that the picture of the swinger lifestyle presented to the "vanilla" world, as well as what many swingers proclaim about it themselves, is greatly whitewashed. People *like* sex and swingers REALLY *LOVE* sex. There is certainly nothing wrong with this, but the image that this is a "beautiful lifestyle" of "loving couples sharing" is a big embelishment, IMO. This may be the case for the more "Utopian" swingers, but most of the people I have met are just "sex fiends" pure and simple; the "dirtier", the "nastier", the more wild and open with each others' bodies the better. Again, this is not a judgement. There is nothing at all wrong with being a "sex fiend". I'm a sex fiend and happy to be one. I just wish there would be more honesty in the portrayal of this lifestyle, that's all.

The reason this lifestyle is engaged in mainly by couples has less to do with "loving people sharing each other" than it does with the way society views and treats women, and the particular psychological effect that this has had on most women. Guys are expected or sanctioned to be "sex fiends", whereas a woman who is free and open with her natural desires and passions is a "slut" or a "dirty whore". The social conditioning is so strong that many women have even internalized this belief structure and accept it themselves. They would never even consider acting out their fantasies, not only because of what society would think of them but because of what they themselves would think of such behavior. This is why there are many more single male "sluts" and so few single wild women. Within the context of a couple, a loving relationship, however, a woman has a man she loves and trusts, an "anchor", so to speak, and can feel more free and safe in acting out her wild fantasies and desires. Of course, it may take a loving spouse to persuade her to realize that it is alright for her to act out these fantasies, since, because of societal conditioning, she may not feel that it is "normal" or "healthy" to do so.

Things are changing a bit, and there are more single women, mostly younger women, who feel more empowered as individuals to act on their healthy desires and do what they want. However, the social stigma is still strong and many such women will become emotionally "hardened" if they don't "find a man quickly". Of course, a loving relationship is the ideal but it is a shame that it has to be "forced" and "mandated" by a puritanical culture.

Just my two cents... :-)

[twobookwyrms]

No offense... everyone is entitled to thier own oppinion, but that attitude is why we have never swung with a single male. Most of the single males we have met have no idea what a real and loving relationship is really like. Most of the couples I have met have really amazing relationships and it is about going forward with/beside thier partner. Seeing your partner enjoy themselves without having to "do all the work" and sharing things you couldn't nec. do by yourself. If they are nasty or skanky... we don't waste our time with them.... most of the "nasty" people we have met really I wouldn't not consider swingers but people looking for a reason to screw around. Maybe you are just looking in the wrong place for clean, respectful and loving couples... That is honestly how we look at swinging and we don't waste our time with anyone else that doesn't see it the same. LOL- sounds like you are pretty happy with what you've found though so to each thier own.

Originally posted by DRxDON:
I consider myself to be a very insightful person and I like to get down to the basics of things. I do not wish to offend anyone, but I would really like to say that the picture of the swinger lifestyle presented to the "vanilla" world, as well as what many swingers proclaim about it themselves, is greatly whitewashed. People *like* sex and swingers REALLY *LOVE* sex. There is certainly nothing wrong with this, but the image that this is a "beautiful lifestyle" of "loving couples sharing" is a big embelishment, IMO. This may be the case for the more "Utopian" swingers, but most of the people I have met are just "sex fiends" pure and simple; the "dirtier", the "nastier", the more wild and open with each others' bodies the better. Again, this is not a judgement. There is nothing at all wrong with being a "sex fiend". I'm a sex fiend and happy to be one. I just wish there would be more honesty in the portrayal of this lifestyle, that's all.

[JustAskJulie]

There are plenty of swinging couples who are just out there for the sex.. I've met plenty of them and talked to even more.. but there are also plenty of couples who are looking for more than that. Evidently you just haven't met us (or them).

No one here is saying that while we are looking for friendship or looking to share.. that we are NOT into sex. Hell why would we be doign this if we didn't like sex.. but we are here for more than just that.. even if you aren't.

There are about as many versions of this lifestyle as there are people in it.. what each of is looking for is different.. just as is what turns us each on. The key is to find others that are interested in what you are interested in .. whether it's friendship or just straight up sex for one night only. As long as you find what you are looking for then you are successful in this lifestyle.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[DRxDON]

I think you misundertood my basic intent here. I was also in a loving relationship where we both swung..swang?...whatever. I really enjoyed watching my honey from a third person perspective. I really got off on seeing her as a pure sexual creature, enjoying and exploring all of her wild sexual passions. I also enjoyed the friendship and shared intimacy we had with other couples AND singles. I am just saying that the basic thrill, the "turn on" of swinging, aside from some of the frindships one makes, is the opportunity to enjoy pure unadulterated LUST, which is "dirty", "nasty", and decadent" .......YEAH, BAYBEE, YEAHHH!! ;-) And that this aspect is "glossed over" in most portrayals of the lifestyle. I also was making the point that such uninhibited enjoyment of lust can usually only be experienced and engaged in by couples because of the "security" that is found within the relationship; that societal conditioning usually puts a damper on single people being able to freely experience and express themselves because of the repressive sexual role that women are placed into. I guess what I am saying here, is that I miss the freedom of sexual expression I had within my relationship, and just wish there were more openly "wild women" out there so that I could meet someone new whom I already knew was open minded to sexual exploration.


[quote]Originally posted by twobookwyrms:
[b]No offense... everyone is entitled to thier own oppinion, but that attitude is why we have never swung with a single male. Most of the single males we have met have no idea what a real and loving relationship is really like. Most of the couples I have met have really amazing relationships and it is about going forward with/beside thier partner. Seeing your partner enjoy themselves without having to "do all the work" and sharing things you couldn't nec. do by yourself.

[JustAskJulie]

Much better explanation of what you meant this time around Don, and I can aggree with you on those points.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[twobookwyrms]

Ok, that to me sounds totally different from the first post. sorry I misunderstood I pretty much agree with you then.

[DRxDON]

I think both posts say basically the same thing. I guess the difference is that that first post had a more "confrontational" attitude than this message. Anyway, I'm glad we have an understanding.

Originally posted by twobookwyrms:
Ok, that to me sounds totally different from the first post. sorry I misunderstood I pretty much agree with you then.

[SingleBlkFemale]

I am a single straight woman who likes to swing, but when visiting the swing clubs, I find that the single men seem to be discriminated against in that they are not allowed on certain nights and they must pay larger membership fees to join. Maybe I am missing something, but I personally would like to have a few single men to enjoy while at a club. I think that the purpose of me attending a swingers club is to swing with as many men as I can and want to swing with in one night. I am for letting single men enjoy the lifestyle also. Maybe someone can tell me why swinging seems to focus mainly on couples.

[Stratecpl]

well I'm not single so I really can't answer from that point of view..however I too have wondered why it centered mainly on couples..usually with bi women in that couple.. haha. Single people love sex too and if they are just wanting some casual fun like couples do, then why not allow them as well. My husband and I have never been to a club and never plan too..mainly because here where we live we would be the ONLY 100% straight couple (and we live in large area too!!) there so it would be pointless for us to attend anyway. They don't allow singles at all at the one here. If they did we may be tempted to go to meet some nice single straight people. Ron says that if you take a single straight guy here and a single straight woman there..voila' you have a straight couple!!! LOL It would work like that I believe at a club IF they had singles there that is...

[JustAskJulie]

The reason that most clubs either don't allow single men at all, only do so on certain nights or limit the number that they allow is because their main clientele is couples. While there are plenty of couples out there that want to play with single guys, most are looking for either other couples or single females (like yourself). Since there are so few single females active in the lifestyle, single females are always welcome at the clubs. However, there are soooooooooooooo many single guys clamoring to get into the lifestyle that the clubs really can't allow them all in. If they did the clubs would be overrun by single males which would chase all the couples away (their main clientele) turning the club into nothing more than a singles club and defeating the purpose.

Many clubs do realize that there is a place for single guys in the lifestyle and that is why that have nights where they allow single guys (still usually in limited quantities). This way those that are looking for single guys can play with them, and those that are not know ahead of time that that is what to expect on that given night.

Basically, a couple or you can get a single guy anywhere... couples and single males may be a little harder to come by and since the couples are the main customers at a swing club.. it only makes sense that the clubs would do their best to appeal to them. Those that have forgotten that have often found themselves out of business (and that's not something any of us want).

There are a few clubs out there that strictly appeal to couples & females who want single guys.. I can think of two but they are both in CA.. Thad's in San Diego & The Fox Hole, also in San Diego.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[twobookwyrms]

I think single men are "discriminated" against becuase generally swinging is done by couples... it isn't swinging if your just a single going out and having sex a lot... not from my point of view anyways. There isn't a problem for most singles to find partners and have sex. A lot of the single guys I have met do not always respect the boundaries and bond that single couples have...thus the higher club rates, they are to make sure that only serious guys join in. ... there are plenty of singles clubs out there... swing clubs cater to couples that are interested- why would the couples want it to be over run with single people?

I guess the reason it caters somewhat to married bi-fems is that there isn't any other definite place for them to go to pick people up, singles or gay bars aren't right becuase a lot of lesbians or straights don't want someone that swings either way or somebody sitting in the corner watching or joining in. Also the reason there are more bi-fems is most likely that most straight women are perfectly happy with what they are getting at home while we bifems enjoy both and are only married to one. Many feel it is dirty to sleep around due to the large amounts of sexual repression beat into them through religion and society.

Steph

[JustKev]

I think Julie hit the single most important point when she mentioned the sheer number of single males trying to get in on the lifestyle. I belong to several swinger clubs on Yahoo and see posts from single guys looking to hook up with a couple. While there are some couples who find that an acceptable situation, the number of them is far less than the number of guys who want to go there. Good luck in your endeavors, guys. You'll need it in many instances.

[Lysander]

I can't believe how tough it is down here. My ex and I had plenty of friends in Virginia, but none of them know anyone down here. I'm kinda enjoying my break, but I miss the interaction and friendships.

Many guys who have never done this before think it's some wild time, and it's not. Sometimes, feelings get hurt. Just be careful. And don't expect results right away. It took two years until my ex and I finally talked about it, and we weren't expecting to do so. It just happened. Who knows... you might find the right kind of woman who does everything for you.

Yes, Single males are discriminated against, and with good reason.
Now, I understand that not every single male fits the following description, but in our experience 95% or more do.

Single males have no understanding of a marriage. They show a complete lack of respect for the couples marriage.
They act like women are all whores and just because they are in a club, they should be fucking every hard dick in the place. Most husbands I know are likely to crack your skull open for that.
They lie about their status. They say they are married when they are not. Liars are NOT welcome.
They do not understand that a couple is sharing something between themselves and he just happens to be the instrument they are using. If your not married, or have not been married, you are not going to understand.
Many single males feel compeled to analyze swingers from a psychological point of view. Realize now, that this is another approach that gets you put on the 'No way' list for many couples. We already know how we feel and you trying to tell us why does nothing but piss us off.
Single males feel that they are above the rules. When told no, they ignore it and keep on pressing.
They send pictures of their dick and expect that is what we want to see. If you send us a picture of a dick, then we assume you are a dick and want nothing further to do with you.

I'm allowing another man to share MY WIFE with me and if he does not show the proper respect, then my dog will have a new chew toy. Loan me your brand new sports car and let me rag the shit out of it and then wrap it around a tree. Not a great comparison, but along those lines.

There is of course more, but this should begin to get the point across.

Like I said above, not every single male fits this. Maybe Julie should post the negative things we do not want along with the positive things we do.

CyberHusband

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 07-25-2001).]

[LaylaSusanne]

Originally posted by CyberMWCouple:
Single males feel that they are above the rules. When told no, they ignore it and keep on pressing.
They send pictures of their dick and expect that is what we want to see. If you send us a picture of a dick, then we assume you are a dick and want nothing further to do with you.
CyberHusband

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

That cracked me up! I'm going to quote you next time some guy sends me an UNSOLICITED picture of his dick!

You made some very good points, and I'm glad you did!

We should work together on the "Swinging Women's Rules For Single Guys"

One day, when I have time, I think I may sit down, log onto yahoo's swinger club and answer EVERY ad by a single guy with mine and your posts!

(wonder how long that would take?)

(wonder how many would send back pictures of their dicks?)

Layla