What do single MEN have to offer?

[yawanna]

What, if anything other than a 3rd participant, do single MEN offer or bring to swinging that enhances or furthers swinging in general?

And I mean overall..not those few that a couple find enhancing and a 'good guy'.

I have always had, and continue to, have doubts as to their intentions and stated reasons for participating, those reasons being a parroting back of what couples say swinging is for them and what they achieve from it.

What does a single MAN achieve?

And the first single MAN that posts anything akin to 'the comraderie, able to talk with openminded people, the friendships, I love sex and want to explore' while failing to acknowledge their non swinging dating and hopes of meeting a longterm partner through this venue....gets a smack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper for trying to hump my leg

We've had our share of single men who are really looking for their next marriage, who come between a couple because the single guy takes it 2 steps too far beyond the sexual activity, a few single men starting a 'swingles' moniker in an attempt to gain access to swinger couples while hiding their true personal lives but getting into others. I haven't seen much different from couples that won't respect boundaries and limits and pushing those later on, than the single men who say all the 'right' things and then trying to get more involved than they were invited to.

My personal opinion is that single men can have a place in swinging and far too often and too many push those limits, which tells me they aren't respectful, honest or open as people need to be to participate successfully.

I think they participate because they have such a void in their lives that they generally are not ready, willing or able to fill and they deflect and justify bad behaviour, just as troublesome couples do, for the same reasons. And troubles manifest when they latch onto others who have a void as well they aren't willing to address either. Plus, as long as you keep the drama going, no need to address the core issues of that need to get into lives and a lifestyle you have no right to intrude upon because of your own deficiencies and responsibility to others.

Just my opinion, and thought I'd throw it out.

[gsu22]

I really believe that I do not have a "void" in my life. Go ahead and hit me with a rolled up newspaper, but I started because I did want the friendships, fun, and great sex. Thats not to say I don't have friends, fun or great sex aside from being with this couple I'm with now. The openminded part(sexual wise) is anothe reason I wanted to become part of the swinging lifestyle. There's nothing boring about it....its always something different and thats why i'm enjoying it so far as a newbie!

I've tried to be careful of the limits set forth and have made sure that I have not or will not cross those. In the few times we have been together, the feeling on both sides has been great. Both sides have realized what the situation is all about and we're just adults having fun. Now, for all I know the they(being the couple) could have a void and they're looking to fill it with me....but in terms of myself...I believe I add a lot......I'm a great person....nice, understanding, and fun to be around...so I guess I just add another great person to the swinging arena. I like to think of myself as more than just the 3rd person.

Just my opinion

[yawanna]

Do you define yourself as a swinger? and if you do, in what way are you participating in a swinging lifestyle?

In what ways are you more than the 3rd person?

You are nice, understanding, and fun to be around, and you have sex with this couple.

Part of my posing this question is that I see a LOT of single men saying they 'service' wives...or saying they have 'friendships' with the couples. Is either of these your situation?

[Elusive BiFem]

yawanna, you can apply all these same questions to the single female, too, you know.

I think I understand what you are saying...and it strikes me that most single men (or those that pretend to be single) are, for the most part, looking for easy sex and for some reason, think they have fallen into a gold mind..."Just look at all these women here that are easy lays! I don't have to do nothing to get some! They're lined up waiting for - just me!!"

That sort of attitude. The key, tho', is most and it is generally rather easy, at least here, to sort them out. I don't know why it is true that single males flock to the lifestyle as they do, thinking they have so much to offer, but I suspect it has something to do with the sex drives of males vs. females...the fact that boys/men are conditioned to search for and expect sex around every corner, and the fact that boys/men think of sex every so many seconds....I read every 18 seconds once. (I think that changes with age.)

But if we continue to stereotype single men (as above), how are those attitudes and/or myths going to change? Why can't we accept that single men (and women) can enjoy the excitement and titillation of a "simply sexual" relationship? Being a part of a sexual encounter that pushes the limits just a little? The voyeurism aspects of being with a couple?

We readily accept couples comments that they get turned on watching each other with another partner? Is it such a stretch to believe a single person might derive stimulation from a similar situation? And the communication thing...yes, for singles involved with a couple, that is one of the prime benefits...having friends of both sexes that you can communicate with on an entirely different level.

Just thoughts...and I know better than to get into these discussions with you. - EBF

[EternallySingle]

When I was with Lisa (not her real name) I was wondering what would a single man have to offer that the husband or boyfriend of another couple couldn't. More importantly, I had learned how get most women I was interested in to consider having sex with me, or at least talking about it. Even after we broke up when I joined the army, I never considered swinging. Those guys I saw at the one swing club I attended then seemed so...desperate and I didn't want to be considered one of them. They had no wife or girlfriend and no matter what they said or did, they were always the last ones anyone approached, even to dance. Well, look where I am now and what I am doing.

What do I have to offer? No more than any couple does. My body and my time. The only difference between me and a couple is that there is only one of me, and that seems to be the gist of this particular question, especially as it pertains to men.

There is nothing wrong with feeling single men, or singles in general, should not be involved in swinging. Its your opinion. Oddly enough it was mine as well until a couple in Georgia invited me to a house party after I said one too many things at a bar. It was then that I realized it wasn't about sharing your partner but sharing yourself. Okay, you can hit me with the rolled up paper now.

My reason for trying to get back into swinging is simple...I liked it in the past and even being matrimonially handicapped as I am, I would like to be involved in it again. Easy sex? Bullshit. Picking up single women for a one night stand that doesn't want to know my name is ten times easier than getting a couple to trust me enough to meet me for coffee or dinner. Any single guy who says its not IS incapable of dealing with women and ARE looking for an easy lay and don't know how to even pretend to be in a relationship. They are as easy to spot as the picture sellers who only want you to come to their websites and spend $19.95 a month for pictures that are never updated.

As for the void in my life, the only void I have is that there are only three or four people in real life that I can talk to honestly about my sexual past, and they all live on the other side of the country. Even bringing it up with guys I know around here causes nervous laughter and claims that I'm lying just to try and impress them.

Friends, especially in this lifestyle, IS just as important as the sex to single men. Its believing its not that drives all the real male single swingers away and leave the cheating males, picture collectors, and abusers to roam the personal ads and clubs looking for an "easy lay".

But thats just my opinion.

[JustAskJulie]

What makes me continue to want to be part of this lifestyle has very little to do with SEX. I can get sex easy enough without any of the hassles involved in swinging (there are plenty of single guys out there for that).

When I first went from half a married swinging couple to a single female I spent a lot of time debating whether or not this would be something I would want to do on my own as a single.

The answer yes and no. Yes, but not to the extent that I did as part of a couple (and in reality I couldn't do it to that extent if I wanted to).

The yes comes down to simply I enjoy the people in this lifestyle. I enjoy the openness amongst them, the freedom to flirt without expectations, to talk openly about sex and about your sexual histories, past experiences, interests, fantasies, etc without anyone looking at you like you are weird. Add to that that I'm bi and enjoy being that third to a couple (helping him satisfy her fantasy of being with a woman and helping her satisfy his fantasies of seeing her with another woman... as we all enjoy a mutually pleasurable evening).

The no comes from several things....

1. I don't like being the SBF that seems to be the one thing everyone wants and therefore having to say no to many who I may not want.

2. It was easier as a couple, easier to say no, easier to just relax and know that at the end of the night I had my one person that really mattered regardless of what else happened.

3. A large part of what I enjoyed about swinging when I was half of a couple was the enjoyment on his face in watching me with someone else. I got a rise out of that, it turned me on and made everything that much more enjoyable.

Those were the main things that forced me to consider whether or not swinging was something I would continue with on my own. The answer is yes but not to the same extent that I did as a couple.

So am I a swinger? And if yes, what makes me any different than the single men out there who are in my shoes?

[yawanna]

Single women enhance and add to swinging because they are representative of how swinging is an opportunity for women to be sexual without being labelled something duragatory. They are also a minority in swinging and I don't think that's the only reason for their popularity. There are definite cultural influences coming into play here... as in expected behaviour of women and of men especially sexually. Single women can be an example of women's sexual emancipation, and isn't that a lot of what swinging is about?

Single men I see as enhancing one on one relationships for the duration of the play session and for the couple long after the man has left, but not swinging in general.

The motivations and participation of couples and of singles are very different and many times disparate. Generally speaking, couples participate in swinging is to enhance their own personal relationship (the good ones anyway).

Single men participate to ...... ? what? have sex? Speak freely about sex? anything else?

[N&G]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
I can get sex easy enough without any of the hassles involved in swinging (there are plenty of single guys out there for that).

I have a feeling that a lot of guys will say that only applies to women. This may be one the reasons that there are so many single men interested vs single women.

I enjoy the openness amongst them, the freedom to flirt without expectations, to talk openly about sex and about your sexual histories, past experiences, interests, fantasies, etc without anyone looking at you like you are weird.

Very true. It's something that you don't find elsewhere.

A large part of what I enjoyed about swinging when I was half of a couple was the enjoyment on his face in watching me with someone else. I got a rise out of that, it turned me on and made everything that much more enjoyable.

I agree. I am pleased when I know that my partner has had an enjoyable evening, even if I didn't get to watch.

So am I a swinger? And if yes, what makes me any different than the single men out there who are in my shoes?

The only real difference is that a single male needs a ticket and a single woman gets a free pass. Other than that there is little difference as long as the man is truly interested in the lifestyle and not just looking to get laid.

G (The male half)

[EternallySingle]

Originally posted by N&G
I have a feeling that a lot of guys will say that only applies to women. This may be one the reasons that there are so many single men interested vs single women.

Truthfully, its not that difficult for single men to have sex. Why? There are plenty of single women who just want to have sex. The trick is to keep your eyes open and have enough confidence in yourself not sabotage the effort. I think one of the things that overwhelms people about single men on swinger sites and in clubs that admit them is not the number that are trying to get in the lifestyle but the number of transients who show up for a few months, write almost everyone (Including me), then disappear when they don't find what they are looking for.

[EternallySingle]

Originally posted by yawanna
Single women enhance and add to swinging because they are representative of how swinging is an opportunity for women to be sexual without being labelled something duragatory. They are also a minority in swinging and I don't think that's the only reason for their popularity. There are definite cultural influences coming into play here... as in expected behaviour of women and of men especially sexually. Single women can be an example of women's sexual emancipation, and isn't that a lot of what swinging is about?

You have hit the nail on the head when you said the reasons men and women are seen differently has to do with cultural influences. Single men are rude and immature. Single women are looking for a good realationship. Yeah, right.

Expectations play a far greater role in how you respond to people than their actual behaviour. Even when they behave better than you expected, a person's natural tendancy is to be suspicious that they are being deceived before (or even if) they realize the person is being sincere.

Single men I see as enhancing one on one relationships for the duration of the play session and for the couple long after the man has left, but not swinging in general.

The motivations and participation of couples and of singles are very different and many times disparate. Generally speaking, couples participate in swinging is to enhance their own personal relationship (the good ones anyway).

Single men participate to ...... ? what? have sex? Speak freely about sex? anything else?

All of these above, and more. So, what about single women? What do they enhance? Why do they participate? Their own personal pleasure? Their self esteem? Their sense of adventure? I can say that what I originally planned to get out of swinging is a good memory and better understanding of other people. Just like anyone would in any other relationship, no matter how casual.

[EternallySingle]

This was one of the first questions I planned to ask club owners. Acutally, my question was going to be "Why do you think single men want to swing?" Learning both sides of a story is a much better way of determining the true feelings of all people involved instead of automatically assuming their best or worst intentions. Any you know what happens when you assume?

[yawanna]

Single women, and I'm speaking as one who has participated in swinging as a single woman, get to be in a sexually free environment, something not often available to us, for fear of being labelled badly.

Men, on the other hand, are high fived etc. for getting laid.

That's what swinging is about, imho...sexual freedom for women. The few men, aside from husbands, who are allowed in however occasionally, should kiss the ground these women walk on, and be more than respectful to the husbands who have managed to have a relationship with such an amazing woman.

Women do this because it's ONE out of NONE venues we can be sexual and respected.

[windsor4fun2]

Originally posted by yawanna

That's what swinging is about, imho...sexual freedom for women.

I always assumed it was about sexual freedom and enjoyment to ALL those involved. Be they single female, male or couple.
As so often seen here on the board there are as many definitions to swinging as there are posters. Single males are entitle to participate just as much as any other.

Jesse

[jcbicouple]

Ok. Once again, our take on the subject:
First we can't see where there is any difference in single males and single females other than the way that people stereotype what is acceptable and what is not. They are both there for the same reasons. Any female that says she isn't into swinging for sex, has got to be kidding! Friends without sex are pretty easy to come by.
As for the comment someone made about men trying to get in between a couple: We've never had an issue with a single male, but EVERY single female we've played with (and a few married females) have wanted more lovey dovey intimacy with the husband. In our experiences, The women are more likely to want an emotional attachment with their sex partners (unfortunately, for them, We are not polyamourous, and do not have an interest in shareing our love....just the sex.). Men, aren't as into the wanting or needing that attachment.....That is actually the only difference we've seen in the two. (and Yes, We are sluts. LOL!)
We just can't understand how one gender "swinging" alone is so much more socially acceptable than the other.
Are single men OR single women "swingers"? Maybe, maybe not. We're not sure that we'd even apply that label to ourselves as a couple. We're bisexuals, that enjoy sharing sexual experiences with bi men, bi women, and bi couples. We certainly couldn't be described as "swappers", since we always "share". We feel that single men add as much to the swinging experience as women. We look for the same qualities, regardless of gender.

[EternallySingle]

Originally posted by yawanna
Single women, and I'm speaking as one who has participated in swinging as a single woman, get to be in a sexually free environment, something not often available to us, for fear of being labelled badly.

Men, on the other hand, are high fived etc. for getting laid.

That's what swinging is about, imho...sexual freedom for women. The few men, aside from husbands, who are allowed in however occasionally, should kiss the ground these women walk on, and be more than respectful to the husbands who have managed to have a relationship with such an amazing woman.

Women do this because it's ONE out of NONE venues we can be sexual and respected.

I took two very interesting courses in college outside the required psychology classes. One one Dimensions of Human Behaviour and the other, where I was the only straight man (and only one of 3 out of 35 students) was and 3 week seminar called Female Sexual Empowerment. From those two classes I came to a disturbing realization. The object of a society is to control its members by giving them common goals and responsibilities.

One of the things I came away with is that society controls men by controlling women, and society controls women by controlling how women view sex. That wouldn't work with men because men have nothing to lose by having sex. Its just a little more emotionally intense than wrestling if its done just for the sex and no emotional commitment is involved.

How does controlling women's attitudes about sex control men? By making judgements about a woman's sexual behaviour, you restrict not only what she does, but how often she does it and with whom she does it with. Being labeled "slut" or "whore" will diminish a woman's standing in the community, and a woman needs the community, at least indirectly, to raise children.

In order to satisfy her sexual needs she has to choose a man who can both satisfy those needs and not lower her standing that she inherited from her parents. Once this man has been chosen, she must ensure that he doesn't lose his standing in the community, so she gently nudges him to make the correct decisions that will not only maintain their standing but hopefully improve them. As a reward, he gets sex. Knowing he gets sex for doing the right thing changes his approach to life, and hopefully increases his chances for sex.

At least that was how it was before the Victorian era and the concept of wifely "Duties" and "Sexual Favors" of servants and mistresses. During the Victorian era sex was made something to be hidden, even among married couples, because having sex except to have a new child, was seen as a weakness, and women were discouraged from having sex except on special occasions or if their husbands did something extraordinary at work. Things just went downhill from there, with women losing more and more rights both at home and in the community until they became little more than property.

What does this have to do with swinging and singles? To me, everything. The idea of "sexual favors" is disgusting to me. A favor is something you do for someone who needs help, and it requires some form of payment. Why should you feel obligated to repay someone for something they should also be enjoying with you? With the sexual revolution of the late 60s to mid 70s, women gained more freedoms and opportunities, but more importantly, more men were less willing to accept the roles forced on them during the Victorian era in order to (surprise surprise) enjoy the freedom they have as a result of greater opportunities of women. Even in sex, it is not up to men to chase after women all the time. We can, when the opportunity presents itself, let women say "Hey, come here now" without feeling we've lost any power or we have to pay them anything except attention.

Even though I know it was an exaggeration, saying men should kiss the feet of women who swing with them is like saying "you are beneath my notice but I am going to be nice and give you a pat on the head if you kiss my ring as I go to have my other subjects worship me."

Seriously, though. Its all supposed to be fun. If you look for something to be wrong, you're either going to find something insignificant or you're going to create something major. I learned that in jujutsu class.